$1.8 Billion Slush Fund Has J6ers Playing Victim & Trump Creeps on Coast Guard Grad | The Daily Show

First off, it's graduation season, and I'd just like to take a moment to shout out all the graduates watching.Welcome to the real world.It sucks!But yesterday, Trump gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy, and he had a different message for graduates.And that message was...Daddy like it.

We also have the only cadet who earned a perfect score on every single fitness test.Wow, this guy must be something.I think we'll have to invite him up.I want to check it out.Thomas, get up here, please.I want to see.

I want to check him out.Whoa!Look at this guy.Look at the muscles in this guy.Just hit him on the shoulder.It hurt my hand.

It's like hitting a rock.

Well, we wanted Trump to stop harassing women, and, uh, I guess he found a loophole.I mean, seriously, is Trump a college sophomore?Because if you've been paying any attention recently, it looks like he's been discovering something about himself.

You are a handsome devil.He's a good -looking guy.Now, if you rip off the jacket, you'll see the muscles are serious.Boy, oh, boy, these are good -looking guys.Look at the arms on him.

I'll give you a hug.

You look so good.You're too good -looking to be a buddy.See, I consider all those guys back there with the big muscles And it's not my thing, but I consider them really beautiful to me.He's so strong, his, those muscles are...

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.The president needs to f**k a dude, all right?Just go for it, Mr. President.I'm not even saying you're gay.It just seems like something you need to get out of your system, you know, like, like as a novelty thing.And don't worry about what your supporters will think.

You'll be fine.Your base will love it.And your shaft.But Trump isn't just doing commencements.He's got a very busy weekend.of him.

Maybe too busy.

Uh, he'd like me to go.I'm gonna try and make it.I'm -I'm in the midst.I said, you know, this is not good timing for me. I have a thing called Iran and other things.

And now I get why he started the War of Iran, to get out of John Jr.'s wedding.You should have just told us that.We'd understand.Even the Ayatollah's like, I get it.But to be fair, I also wouldn't want to go to Don Jr.'s wedding if I was too old to want to do cocaine, right?And besides, this is Don Jr.'s third fiancée.

Trump's probably like, if I miss this wedding, I'll just catch the next one.So, fake news media, stop trying to get him with these gotcha questions like, are you going to attend your son's wedding?The man's got important news about what's going on in Iran, and I want to pay attention.

We have total control of the Strait of Hormuz, as you know, with our blockade.The blockade's been 100 % effective.Nobody's been able to get things like the steel wall.Okay, okay, I'm sorry.I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.I cannot pay attention.I don't want to tell the White House how to do their job, but is it possible that when the president is speaking in the Oval Office, we don't have a giant, protruding belly button five inches from his face?I can't believe I'm saying this, but this is beneath the dignity of the office, and it's a low bar.Can you at least blur it or something?I know it's technically not indecent, but it's making me very uncomfortable.

I mean, a tie would solve this.Or... or maybe a sweater.Or, like, 19 sweaters.Wait.Wait.Hang on a second.

Let me...let me try something here.Oh, shit!

It's coming right at me!

All right.Okay, uh, but let's move on to something even more gross and harder to ignore, the Trump administration's corruption.This week, we learned about the new $1 .8 billion slush fund for Trump allies who have supposedly been targeted by the government.And now we're finding out who's lining up at that MAGA slot machine.

Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio said he plans on applying for a payout.MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell says he also is planning to file a claim.

Former Congressman George Santos and ex -Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.

Maybe Peter Navarro, maybe Steve Bannon.

Adam Johnson, known better as the lectern guy, says he will submit his claim as soon as this week.

Wow, that list is a real who's who of, oh yeah, that f***ing weirdo.favorite characters are back.It's like the final episode of Seinfeld, except this time the soup Nazi is just an actual Nazi.But the money is not going to just big name losers.Some of it is going to losers you've never even heard of.

Brandon Fellows was sentenced on felony and misdemeanor charges for entering the Capitol on January 6.Seen here in a red beard costume.

So the number I've put in is $30 million.

$30 million for wearing a mop on your face to Gen 6?

How did you arrive at that very reasonable number?

Okay, Grok told you that.I see.It's the A .I.that's banned from coming within 500 feet of a school, and it's giving you legal advice.All right.

open and shut case for me.Anybody else have a claim from January 6?

Rachel Powell, a mom of eight and a grandmother, two eights, spent three years under house arrest.

OK, three years of house arrest with eight kids and eight grandkids.I don't care what you did.That is cruel and unusual punishment.I mean, look at her.Look at this sweet lady.Look at, she's, like, rolling some dough.

What was her crime?Did she bring unauthorized muffins into the Capitol?I want to hear her side.

A lot of people don't agree with what happened on January 6.But when you step back and you look at somebody like me, for example, my major felony had to be struck down by the Supreme Court.It's my crime that day of breaking a window.Technically, that's a misdemeanor charge.

Yes.When I see this woman trying to break into the Capitol with a battering ram like an orc in The Law of the Rings, I think that's someone who deserves a payout.She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, with the wrong battering ram, breaking the wrong window.It could happen to any of us.And I like how she's trying to pretend the window she broke was just some random window.Like, you're removing some pretty important context, ma 'am.

It's like John Wilkes Booth saying, oh, so, what, I'm getting a firing squad just because I interrupted a play?America's cooked, man.Is there any voice of reason who will call out how wrong this is?Like, any normal, not -crazy person.

One person, though, who says he won't file a claim is Jacob Chansley, the so -called QAnon shaman.He called the fund, quote, blood money.

Okay, I guess even a broken brain is right twice a day.I mean, seriously, imagine if...Jan 6, I asked you to guess who will be the voice of reason on this.Would you have said, uh, the guy dressed like a stripper who's also a buffalo?But I guess this is a lesson to the rest of us, that we shouldn't judge a book by its cover.Maybe the QAnon shaman isn't as delusional as we thought.

Jacob Chancellor, aka the QAnon shaman, told CNN that he isn't going to participate in the fund because he's still suing the government for $40 trillion.

That's the last time I trust a shirtless man in a raccoon hat.But if you're that angry that your taxpayer money is going to go to people who did Gen 6, let me reassure you, a ton more people are going to get your money, too.

In a memo released today, the DOJ said $1 .8 billion was an appropriate amount for the fund, quote, given that literally tens of millions of Americans could be eligible for payments.

Okay, hang on a second.So tens of millions of people means at least 20 million people, right?Because it's tens of millions.It's not 10 million.So at minimum, it's 20 million people.So divide $1 .8 billion by 20 million, and that's, like, 90 bucks a person.

That's not gonna help these people.That's barely two bags of crystal meth, okay?I'm telling you, when these people find out how little they're getting, they're gonna be so pissed at the government.And you know what happens when they get pissed at the government.The cycle continues.It's a...

I guess it's an infinite money glitch.But as it stands now, the people who did Giant Six could make a life -changing amount of money.And already, there are companies out there looking to help them manage their assets.

Wealth management can be as complicated as breaking the lock on Nancy Pelosi's office door.But here at J6 Financial, we understand the challenges that newly rich capital rioters face, from taxes and alimony to Mar -a -Lago membership dues and Kid Rock tickets.We'll make sure your money lasts well into the fifth Trump term.And we're here to answer any of your questions.

Can my slush fund pay for the child molestation charges I'm facing?We get that question a lot.Like a lot, a lot.

And the answer is yes.What about my retirement?We can help Jan Sixers build toward all their retirement goals.Whether that's dying in a shootout with the cops, being blackmailed by an OnlyFans model, or overdosing on a supplement you heard about on a podcast.So call us today, and no matter how much you've saved or what frightening number of guns you have hoarded in your home, we'll manage your money.Wait, money management?

How do I know you're not just a bunch of Jews?

J6 Financial, the only capital we'll keep safe is yours.