Ep 587 - PHIL (feat. Steve Gerben & Chris O'Connor)

Wow wow Wes darling you send me I know you You're nervous. You're singing.

You're nervous. Catch your breath.

You alright?

Yeah I'm fine.

Alright.

Yeah we're rocking and rolling.

I mean this this is it recording? Yeah, I'm fine. All right. Yeah, we're rocking and rolling. I mean, this, this...

Is it recording?

Yeah.

I'm already mad.

Why?

This coffee is three hours old.

It's from Westchester.

It is.

He doesn't, this is what he does. Yeah, yeah. We'll go to a bar, he'll order wings,. We'll eat three wings and then have a plate of wings in front of him

For three more hours till the game's over and then they come by and they go. Do you want us to take this? He's like

Yeah

Fucking insane a lot of times I'll finish it. This was a situation. I was my lady Yeah, even this it's like a coffee takes two sips and then brings it to Harrisburg Well, someone brings it to the mechanics. Someone got me the coffee. Just drink the fucking coffee Wasn't ready for it Phil. How are you? We're here alive with Phil Phil you got talking to the mic. I'm doing great I didn't even see the light some guys aren't built for this. Yeah, casting stuff it is tough I've seen it it's hard work on how you do it yeah well you're sitting next to the the mayor of Westchester I know the king I'm honored

you're not did you wind up bringing the hats did you have hats well I forgot them you're gonna dress up like pilgrims and Indians for Thanksgiving what do you do for Easter where I got bombing from people ask me how I got my comedy. Phil taught me how to bomb regularly, but you can walk through a bomb. Uh huh. That's like one of your, you tell a bad joke and just go hilarious. He is. What was the line that he had when we were in the

golf tournament with Billy, where he was saying Billy was like, uh, it's cause you were talking in my backswing. Yeah. Billy's backswing is really quick. He's like, Billy, Billy goes, you're talking to my backswing. Phil goes, I'd have to be a fucking auctioneer. Oh my God. He swings so

hard and the results are never any good. Yeah. He's new. He's new to golf. I know. I know. When he connects, he kills it, but we're not sure where it's gone, right?

Yeah. Well, he's jacked.

Of course, the first couple holes, Girby's didn't know we were playing the scramble, so all of a sudden, he'd go up and play his ball,

and then we'd all drive up, and he's looking at us like, what are you hitting from here for? This is my shot. Of course, we didn't have to hit after he hit because it was ours right on the green. He's a very good golfer. He took the game very seriously. A couple cart bumps at the end sent him packing. I hate cart bumps. Connor was in there with you just going, don't, don't let him win. He got out of the car. I just turned straight for him. We were also, we were starting to find it at the end. It was crunch time and that's when I found it.

Just a nightmare. Now when the ride in the Valkyries started playing, I think it was around 16, 15. Valkyries playing on the Bluetooth, chasing

Gurbus. You had Dan O'Leary in the car with you?

Yeah. Good. I might've been by myself at that point. Or O'Leary could have been in there. Regardless. Yeah. We were six hours into a round of golf, just Regardless yeah Six hours Just trying to finish strong you came in well Sorry about that Steve I didn't Know bad when you were very upset. It's perfectly fine all right my mom noticed Your mom noticed. Yeah, she was like hey, aren't you gonna come say hello to all the people here? Nope I have to go

Yes, no, yes!

No, that's not really for me.

Well, it's the Gila style. You guys, nobody can leave. Every time you try and go, just, well, just what are you, just... Why don't you have one more? Yeah, exactly. It's like, you just gotta leave. And the next day go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I left. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your mom was on me on Instagram message, because she was like, promise you'll come up with-

My mom DM'd you? What the fuck?

Yeah, we DM sometimes.

Oh my god.

Phil.

Your wife's in his DMs.

How do you do that?

How do I do what?

How do you DM? Yeah, like a direct message. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I'm those Instagram reels. It's very nice. Okay What kind of stuff is he sending? I was like drinking Which was really funny, but then I'll clearly be drunk and send me like an inspirational one nice, which is nice Keep you on track That's out. Yeah, we don't really talk much. I just get a drunk Michael Jordan That's out. Yeah, we don't really talk much. I just get a drunk Yeah, well, you know you gotta find a inspiration during dark times

Fuck it. Yeah But Phil what's going on man? Yeah, just starting our basketball season right now. I think you're gonna get fired. No, I can't get fired I'm a volunteer. I Can't get fired other people have to go before all these come on man. Huh? You're gonna fire that There's too many rings. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff up there that we do many championships hard way. Yeah Yep, what's that five of stuff up there that we've got. There's too many championships. Hardware. Yeah. Yep.

What's that, five gold medals up there?

Well, um.

Two with Trinity, three with?

No, I got three with Cumberland Valley, and one with Trinity as far as state titles. And that's, again, just coaching, helping coach kids. Believe me, it's all the kids and the head coach. I mean, just coach speak.

You're just a humble guy.

I am humble.

I want everyone to know behind closed doors, this guy's a menace. When the mic's off, he's gone. Those motherfuckers would be nothing without me. Yeah, right, right. No, it takes good kids to win for sure.

They make you look smart.

Yeah.

Well. and make you look smart. Yeah. Well, what's the hope for this year? Do you think you got a championship?

Well, we've now we're going to have to work for everything. Got a great group of girls, but there was a couple of kids that were going to come out that played for us. And now we're going to stick with another sport. So they're not going to play basketball.

And that hurts us a little bit. But the kids that we have, we're going to go with them. And they're great. This is good stuff.

Why?

Well, I'm sure we got a lot of 6A girls b-ball fans. Now we're the number one women's 6A basketball podcast. District 3.

This is good.

District 3. This isops. Phil, now what do you say to those people that found out your dad killed a bunch of cats?

What kind of question is that? Phil, what do the Costa Ricans think about this? Don't say that. Don't say that. Don't say that. Don't say that. We had- You can't handle a press conference? Yeah. So to answer his question about cats, when I was growing up, we lived out in a rural area and-

Talk to Steve and us.

We had, you know, we had a few cats and they all got pregnant at the same time. So we had- What'd you do? Like 25 kittens running around and it was just too many. And my dad put them in a box, a cardboard box,

and put them in the creek and they went down over the dam. And about three hours later, about five or six of them came walking back and he said, okay, you can stay.

That was it.

The other ones never made it back. Or they said, we're not going back. Even though they survived the creek and the dam.

But yeah.

Just got the five dumbest kittens.

Yeah, no, those were freaks.

Let's go back to that guy.

Yeah, let's go back.

Maybe he'll do it again.

But didn't you say they were like getting, the horse was stepping on them and... Well, the horse stepped on one kitten and...

Jeez!

One time I started the lawnmower and the kitten crawled under the lawnmower while I went to get gas because it was hot in the summer and he thought that was the nice shade place. I didn't know he was under there and I started the lawnmower. Your dad getting rid of them was, it was time time they were everywhere they were just 30 cats we had a lot of cats we had dogs we Shetland pony yeah what is the Shetland pony a

little adorable yeah what happened there what happened there we sold him for stepping on the cat. We sold the Shetland, things got tough.

Things are tough, you gotta sell the Shetland Pony.

Right.

We had a steer named Sambo and we had him butchered.

Sambo's a tough name.

Sambo, he was butchered.

What the hell?

Butchered it?

Yeah.

How old were you?

Did you like all these animals? Not Sambo, because he would chase... He had horns, he would chase you, and you'd have to run, and... Yeah, the horse or the Shetland pony was fine. Dusty was fine.

Dusty?

That was his name.

What do you get for a Shetland pony?

I have no idea. Back then, ten bucks. I don't know. It wasn't much. Yeah. Well, we had a cart and like a trotter. Oh, okay. And it would, yeah, he would take rides with it on Sundays and stuff. There was no traffic on the road back then.

You would ride a Shetland pony? In a cart, like a trotter.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's fucking insane.

Like Ben Hurst.

That's fun.

It was fun.

All right, it's fun.

Yeah. Blinkers on them or the blinders whatever they're called and you just get down the road and and go about a mile and then come back Yeah, all right. Well, that's fun. I thought you were like literally using it as transportation. No Yeah, that's fun, yeah, all right, I take it back that rules I wish I had a Shetland pony that'd be nice yeah Yeah, you'd have to get like this spike like the Roman spike coming off the cart too. That'd be a nice DUI on the back of a show. Yeah. Yeah. Can you get a DUI in the cart? Yeah. I feel like the Amish could do eyes all the time. You can get them on a bike. You can get a walking. You can get a walking you can get a DUI. Yeah, well

Trust me if he's dodging

If they haven't got him yet

That's just drunk in public right you can you can walk drunk I think you can present

Danger to other people while you're out there besides. Yeah, if you're stumbling public. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's you guys.

You get a little bit bigger than me.

No, I've seen you.

I'm not a danger. You're definitely a threat.

You run.

That's true.

He starts running and shit.

But I'm safer running than walking.

Where are you running?

I just home as fast as possible. What about? Oh, like what is he running from? That's the real question. 3 a.m. when you're like, I need to get out of here and sprint. When you when you know you got a kind of a long trip and you're and you're full stumble bum. I do understand moving quicker when you're that drunk helps. I do know what you mean. Yeah, yeah. You want like the shortest

amount of time out in public. Nothing worse than stumbling.

Yeah.

When you can't stop a stumble.

Yeah, that's tough.

Speed it up.

Anyway, Phil, what else you got for us?

This is your big debut.

People have been clamoring for this. Yeah, I know they are. I don't know. Just getting ready for the holidays here. Yeah. I just closed the pool, realized I screwed that up. I had like a submersible pump. I stuck it on top of, you know, the, the enclosure that they put over the pool. And the guy came out yesterday to close the spa down. And he said, did, did you put

that submersible pump on top of the netting there? Like, and I said, well, yeah. He said, well, the water goes right through. You've got to put the submersible pump underneath that on the step. I didn't know that. I thought, man, this thing's really working. I never saw any water on top there.

Here, it's just going right into the pool.

You got to get a podcast, man.

This is top fucking shit. Wait, how come you're shutting the spa down? You gotta keep the spa open for-

You gotta keep the spa open. ...for winter.

I kept it open for an extra month, and Joan got in at one time. Remember when you got drunk and fell onto the tarp? And I was that.

Oh, you were sober?

I was, no, but I wasn't drunk, right? No, what happened is the pavers weren't down far enough and I leaned in to put the submersible pump and the pavers lifted up and I went right into the tarp. And I thought, oh my God, this is a weird way to die. I'm just going to get engulfed with this whole thing and Joan won't even know I'm missing for a couple of days. But fortunately I crawled out.

Crawled out.

I had to crawl out. But fortunately I crawled out. Crawled out. Oh my god. I had to crawl out.

But fortunately I crawled out. He had to go back in.

It was soaking wet. It was in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Oh my god. Yeah.

But I made it.

Yeah.

I got the phone call immediately.

My mom called me.

It was like Phil fell in the pool like a fucking idiot.

And he was like, I did not. The damn pavers off. They got him in the back. He was mad.

You got to get some cameras out there in the yard. Yeah. Just in case. Yeah, that's that's great footage. Yeah.

Yeah. That would have been incredible. So you got that going on. Yep. Yeah. Gurbies, how about you? You're you're.

What are you up to? Well, you know, we're writing season three.

Yeah.

And then personally, you know, single life now and trying to find special someone. It's kind of a nightmare.

But it feels a lot like being on the pool table.

Hey, I'm Uncle Frank's here.

All right.

My dad's brother. All right, I'm Uncle Frank's here. All right. My dad's brother.

All right, Frank.

Uncle Frank, get in here. We're doing a podcast. He's like, what the hell? Yeah. Yeah.

It's good to see you.

Oh, is she?

Yeah, my squaw.

Squaw's upstairs.

Yeah, absolutely, all right take a quick break

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Terms and conditions apply. I don't think you got out of that. Yeah. Hey, we're back on the air

Hey, we're back

All right, all right, let's get let's Phil let's get a little let's get a little energy

All right. Remember the. Let's get, Phil, let's get a little energy. Sure, I got it.

All right, remember the mic, you gotta talk to the mic.

Yeah.

What's going on, gang? Well, I'm back in the dating scene,

we were talking about that, any good dating advice?

You're looking at me?

Yeah. Christ, I've been married for 46 years. How'd you and Joe meet? In grade school, sixth grade. She moved in from New Jersey. And I was, you know, just started talking with her.

We became good friends. And actually dated her twin sister for a while.

No way.

Yeah. How'd you make the switch? It sounds like an easy switch. Yeah, the old Indy. It's fun to check things out a little bit.

You have to have something to compare it to, you know? But that didn't happen until later, like eighth or ninth grade.

Did you ever see the Seinfeld episode about the switch?

No.

It's the roommate switch. So how you're dating one roommate, you want to get to the other one. Oh. And so there's a whole menage a trois. I mean, obviously, this wouldn't work in this scenario. Jesus Christ, man.

I know, I'm just saying, you know.

Don't bring that up. So you broke up with her and then later got with-

With Joan.

Yeah.

Yeah. with me. But anyhow, what the hell? Hey, their mom was a good cook. They had steak every like Sunday. So I'd get down there and eat and sort of became part of the family. But they had this dog, this little schnauzer, and I hated that dog. His name was Otto. And whenever I walked in that room, it would just come up and start biting my feet. And they would put me in a staging area, like a waiting area for them to come down the steps

or whatever, and I would hear that dog's toenails running towards me. And then at the end he became blind. So as he's getting real close, I would shut the pocket door and just hear his face hitting the door.

And it was just, I would just sit in there and laugh. I thought it was great because that dog tormented me for years. And finally at the end I got back to him.

Yeah, there you go.

You got revenge on the schnauzer.

It was good.

Oh, yeah. Yep. That's good stuff. Yeah. So you guys started dating in sixth grade? No, no. That's when I met your mother in sixth grade.

That's good stuff.

Were you in the friend zone for a while? Oh, yeah. How do you get out of the friend zone?

You get married. That's how you get married now I'm just kidding about that some degree yeah so You don't want to hurt a blind dog? That's Phil's advice? What are your advice for dating?

I used to fuck with this dog. Alright. So. No, but you're out there. You're on the apps. I'm on an app. And

yeah, it's It's going well for you. It's going well insofar as I get dates now. Which is the really sad and upsetting thing about this is like I was on the apps, I don't know, six years ago.

Yeah.

And nothing.

Nothing was dry.

Absolutely nobody would go on the app.

Well now they know you're funny. That's the tough part about it. When you look like us, you get on a dating app. Yeah, just immediate. Oh my God. Right. I tried a dating app for like 24 hours once.

It was the most depressing.

Crushes yourself.

Because I downloaded it because I was going through a breakup, and I was like, I'll fucking show her.

Zero for 24 hours.

I don't know. Fuck.

Yeah. I don't think a lot of women understand that that's men's experience on dating sites, which is zero.

Yeah.

Like I had a friend, she was like, all the guys on here are weird. I'm like, all the, all?

Try zero girls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's way worse.

I feel like I got somebody DMing me like, yeah, I'll show you my dick, you bitch.

Fuck you.

That's at least something. You feel something. You're getting a reaction. Yeah, you get on there, you look like us, you get on a dating app, it's nothing.

No.

And then you get picky, which is very funny. You're getting zero and you're sitting there going, oh, fuck, yeah, right, yeah, right.

But you go, oh, a 10. She's gonna like me. Right.

So I'm out there and,

and. And you're getting in the line

dancing.

I'm getting in the line dancing. I'm really into that. There's a place by us. Should I name it?

No, I shouldn't. Well, it doesn't matter. Why is that? Go ahead. I'm not going to do it. They're going to be there now. Who the weird guys,

they're there anyway.

The weird guys are going to be there waiting for you to like it. They're already there. They've always been there. That's on you. Well, they will keep the name out of it. Even though it's going to be tough to find. It's going to be real hard to find. It's gonna be real hard to find a line. This is a great place. Everybody there is so nice. Yeah. The bartenders are great. Uh, the bouncers and, and you know, they're big fans of tires. So they're all coming like showing me how to do moves. Yeah. Yeah. Which also for the record, I have nothing but support

for the weird guys. Of course. I don're weird. Yeah, so I got cowboy boots.

I just went all in. Yeah.

And, uh, yeah.

I just want you to know how much this sucks.

I know you hate it.

I actually don't hate it as much as you'd think. Well... I don't like that you're practicing line dancing in the office at Tyers.

So that did happen. That... That I was telling Jonah because I'm typically my mom loves it She's a good soul and like, you know, so Typically, I run really cold and the other day we were getting lunch and Chris is all bundled up and I was in a t-shirt I was like, why are you bundled up? Of course caught that. The door was closed. Dancing your ass off. Why is your blood flowing? What were you doing? I was working on this move in the boot scoot boogie where like you can kind of, when you make a turn,

you hop up and click your heels.

Oh.

Yeah, which is what I really like about line dancing, which is the improvisational aspect of it. Once you get down.

You can be creative. Yes.

Yeah. Modifizational aspect of it once you get down you can be creative. Yes. Yeah, I like that you like to boot scootin boogie I love that one. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, Cotton Eye Joe. That's a good one But it's frowned upon by the line dancing community cotton eye Joe because it's so simple or yeah I think it's probably just it's like hack right? I would imagine it's hack. Yeah. Well, they probably have deep cuts in there

They're like, oh, this guy knows what he's doing.

Yeah, I suppose, but-

You gotta come to Austin.

You gotta start with Cotton Eye Joe.

That's all they're doing down there.

I've heard.

And- You can get down there and cut a rug on a nice Southern belle. Yeah, I would love a Southern belle. Texas babe. Yeah. She'll kiss you. Okay. Phil, you don't know anything about this guy.

He's a sexual.

Well, of course I'm a sexual pervert. But that's the thing that I also had to get over.

It's like, you really are, you're meant to kiss on the first date. What do you mean? That's like a thing that you're sort of supposed to do. On a hinged, on a... On a date, on a first date. You kiss. Yeah. Yeah. Because if you're the guy, you don't go for that.

It's kind of seen as lack of interest and lack of confidence. So that was something I had to get over.

So even if you had one you really didn't want to kiss, you'd still go through with it?

No, I probably wouldn't. Oh. you know, like all these FaceTime dates beforehand. This is the thing that bothers me. I don't know why it bothers you. I just, I don't like- Didn't mean to yell at you that much right now.

No, no, it's totally fine. I get real sad about how the informality, or like how the formality of online dating. Yeah. It makes me sad that there's no like- Kismet. It's just like, okay, and then we FaceTime, and we talk to each other, and then we say, I'd like to meet at this time,

and we'll see if we like each other. I don't know.

You gotta do the FaceTime thing, though, because otherwise you're going out, you're shelling out date money all over the place.

You need to call them in.

That boy's fucking loaded.

That boy's rich as hell. Big shot, but a big belt buckle with diamonds on it. I don't have a big private parking space for you

The FaceTime date works because then you very quickly can determine is this person lying via their Pictures and then also do are they weird? and you just so it just saves a whole bunch of like, I would hate to have to be on a date and instantly know you don't wanna be there

and then have to like, have the full drink

and be like, I gotta go.

Yeah.

That sounds kind of fun though.

Yeah, I'd love to be on just a horrendous date that I know.

And then you exit.

I wouldn't, I'd, you know, man. Stick around. We're gonna be here till three.

I know the bartenders, they're gonna stay open.

We're gonna be here till four.

Then you try to get an Uber out of fucking the Harrisburg comedy zone. Fuck, 45 minutes. We gotta stay. Yeah, that's, I don't envy the online dating. It's not great. I do hope to I mean it I should I shouldn't say it's not great. Like I've already met sure

Yeah, but I would like to meet in person and I need to get a little more comfortable. Where do you even do that? That's a line dance line dancing. Maybe right? Yeah your country club. Yep. Well, it's just all guys. It's just all Jewish

It's a Jewish it was originally Jewish

water interactions It's just all Jewish men. Is it all Jewish men? It's a Jewish. It was originally Jewish. Do you have any mother daughter interactions or anything like that?

I've had none of those. Okay. Yeah.

No, it's just.

Keep your eyes open.

Get out there.

It's just Jewish men.

Is there a pool?

There's a pool.

That's where you.

You have to pool.

Okay. Take a lap around the pool after one of your After around a golf around of Jewish call It just at the time cuz there was a big star David on the wall We're now in the window. Oh, it's like a wreath Well for the pro shop. Oh, which is great. Yeah, I think they will they do all the I only saw a star David, but they got a Christmas tree. Well, I think that will they do all the I only saw a star David. Oh, they got a Christmas tree Well, they should understand that Christ is King

But it is interesting because it started off as a Jewish only so all the older guys only yeah Yeah, god damn cuz the cuz they couldn't get into the other ones in the area Yeah, so they had to start their own they started their own. Sure. That's very common. Yeah, and then it's an Nothing had to start their own. They started their own. Sure. That's very common. Yeah. And then what do you got? Nothing. I got nothing. All right. Got something. But the, uh, so yeah, it's just the. This club in my hands. It hurts.

I'll take a six.

Yeah. There you go, Phil. Phil, you're fired from your job, but...

Fuck it. It was time to retire anyway. Getting there. Yeah. It's good to go out getting fired at your age. Yeah. Getting fired is funny. For an old man to get fired from his job for doing a Jewish impression on a podcast.

It's fucking hilarious.

I'll take a six.

Phil, can we talk?

I need you to come into the office.

You're fired.

Yeah. But it's also extremely accurate.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, how about your Thanksgiving? You were talking a little bit about your some of your participants? Now you deeds I mean you can I'd prefer not yeah, that's I'm happy to throw myself under the bus for any no no no no that's that's one. Yeah, that should be off-limits Hopefully we get some of that though. I love some political fighting at Thanksgiving. Well. We got the participants. I'm down to do it I

Love I love it. Yep. We'll get you going and then you get both sides. We do have a nice mix Yep, I like though, but everyone drinks everyone So everyone really gets out of pocket at night. Okay. I had a nice battle with my, my uncle and my aunt one year. It was wonderful.

But it feels like everybody would be very communicative.

Like it wouldn't be passive aggressive. It would just be aggressive.

It's just, yeah, it's pretty aggressive. What happened is this is Jones. Okay. Again again, they're gonna hear this. Well, they can hear it. But, so she and Shane are going after each other on the political stuff, you know, and all of a sudden, you know, this is after like three or four hours of drinking

and this is three or four hours after the Thanksgiving meal and Shane is arguing with her, talking, and all of a sudden he starts talking like Trump. And she's like a dog, like she turns her head, like she's trying to understand, like is this really Trump talking?

Like she's all screwed up, it was hilarious. Yeah, it was fun to argue with her as Trump while she was hammered on one.

Yeah.

Like she was like, oh!

Oh!

Shut up, I'm gonna get a little quiet piggy at Thanksgiving. At the table, quiet piggy.

That'll be chaos. You should gamify it. You should just have like little cards around the house.

Yeah.

Hot button issues.

Yeah, I'll find it myself. Yeah. Ukraine. You love bottom of every glass is just. Every night me and Chris got in. We had a nice political debate again. Same one. Same one. So we do. We go out we hang out for hours and a fifth hour in we go. you suck. And I just have a political debate about illegal immigration for four hours. And we were with the other writers on the show on tires. And like he was, I mean, I hate to, I don't even want to say what you said to me.

It was so hurtful. He went low and I went high. I went back with, I'll beat the fuck out of you. Obviously I would never hit came and I went high. I went back with I'll beat the fuck. I was I would never hit him and he knows that, but the people were with were all like oh my God. What are these guys doing smoke? I say you say

some shit like that to me. I'll fucking punch you in the fucking mouth. The whole staff left. They were all just a bunch of drunk guys are like Shane that's been that's been tough trying to have like fucking heart to hearts with people. Yeah. Someone just comes out. I was like, dude, what's up? I'm like,

what's up, man? I'm good. Yeah.

We also didn't even notice that they left. I feel like we were arguing for like 20 minutes.

Fucking left fucking losers. They don't want to have fun. Like us. I was saying I truly think I understand what like hot women go through now given my Daily experience like when we go out. I don't know how Shane takes it Not that again. It's not that they're all staring at my jokes It's not that I'm not like unbelievably grateful for people to be fans of the show and all that and want to meet and take pictures.

But then once they get to a level of intoxication, they're just like, don't leave you.

Oh, you should have seen the squad we assembled at Ryan's.

I'm sure. And they're right here.

We had a rough squad. It was a girl.

Okay.

So they're the ones that are like, this is a problem. Okay. So they're the ones that are like, this is a problem. Okay. Like a guy, you can be like, dude, get the fuck out of here. Right. If they're hammered and being rude. This was a girl that was just like, kept taking her phone out and sticking it in my face

and just like, come on, make a fucking TikTok with me.

And I was like, you got to stop. And then Chris kept taking her phone

and dropping it in the other booth and she's like, ah, Chris, stop, stop. That is, yeah. The women are sometimes the most aggressive. Like the one that was, they love pretending. They don't know what they're doing. Okay. You know? But anyway, it's just something that I, you get that experience of like when I, when I was working out at the gym, which I had to stop doing, cause it's just like guys would come up guys yeah we're in a conversation I can't get out of yeah you know there you're equating that to being a hot

chick and you go to a bar and having everybody everybody in your face and whatever but no hot chicks are yeah they got it worse it's a hundred percent the whole time right every all the time outside of the bar right walking down

the street and your friend's dad is going.

that's weird. It's just a totally different reality.

The worst. I don't get it that much, but if I'm like, if I'm hung over as hell, Oh yeah. Unshowered, stinky. Just trying to get, grab a coffee.

Just trying to slip it and slip out. And the business is like, Hey, can we get a picture of you for our Instagram page? And you're like, yeah, fuck it. Yeah. Just the worst. They have it on the wall next time you're there. You're just a dark red face. Like, oh shit. You're so gracious about it. I don't know how people are not. You have to be right. It's not that you have to be. It's just what other, what are you a fucking psycho? Yeah. Somebody comes up and they're like a big fan of tires. Yeah. Can we get a picture? It's like, absolutely. Of course. Yeah. That's And no would like ruin my night.

I'd feel so bad. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, Phil, how do you handle it? Because now you're a big man. No. Oh, yeah, you are. You're tossing out tickets left and right to all my shows. Well, I can't you really. That's crazy to do that and then be like, ah, they're not selling. Today you gave out six tickets to this.

I'm going to tonight. I can't give tickets to my friends. Your friends are already, they already know you're, they know what you're like and seen you and hang out with you. These are some other people that are nice people and they went to buy tickets. Talking to the mic, talking to the mic. Yeah. So they didn't have a chance to buy tickets. I mean, I guess it sold out real quick and it's a

small venue and you don't get near Mechanicsburg, Harrisburg too often anymore. So I said, I'll give Gracie a call and see what she can do. Expanding the fan base. Yeah. And he's not, he's giving out tickets

to guys from the local bar.

That's all he does.

There's fucking five of these guys at every show. They're in my green room. I get done with the show and I go, those are the guys from Mechanicsburg. But he's gotta be able to do that. That's community stuff.

That's right. it right tonight's like a 150 200 seats yeah it's a lot I said I said put them in the back or have him stand that's that's that's what I said to Grace yeah they just wanted to get in yeah yeah well that's all right I appreciate what they get fired up getting into the show huh do they get fired up no no friends no don't give a fuck they don't they come to this when they get into the show? No, his friends, they don't give a fuck. They don't? They come to this show, they go, yeah, it was good.

And they take all my beer.

They like it. And they take all my beer. And they go, that's how I knew you were back on the booze, by the way. Did I tell you that?

Uh-uh.

I think it might have been Pittsburgh or something. And I was they were like how's your dad doing and I was like he's good. He's he'd lost a lot of weight That's you know whatever that's in the past now, but You went down you fought middleweight for a week

But uh no I was like it's good he's he's healthy and he's not drinking, which is great. And they were like, we were at the bar with him last night. I was like, that motherfucker. No, I didn't. I didn't. I didn't have a drink for over a hundred and hundred and some days. Whoa. Yeah. After my surgery. Yeah. I didn't even want to drink it. Nothing. But things change football season. Pretty soon it'll be NBAs coming on. Yeah. And then, you know, there's no sports on.

What the fuck are we going to watch? That's my problem.

Like, if I could take time off of it, I go, I don't even need this.

And then I have it one night and I go, why do every single night now? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, but it's kind of a spectrum on this. We had a three game stretch.

Chris had a nice road trip.

Three days straight. Yeah, that was tough. I'm regretting. I'm regretting this Tuesday night. We're gonna have a couple drinks tonight, but Friday, Friday was wonderful. Saturday was wonderful.

Saturday was wonderful, but Sunday was Sunday was was wonderful. Saturday was wonderful.

But Sunday was.

Sunday was the one you should have skipped.

Yeah. Sunday was definitely one we should have skipped. And we knew from the start. Yeah. That it was exactly where it was gonna go. And we kept talking to ourselves like,

all right, we're not gonna drink. We're gonna just get lunch. Yeah. Then we leave lunch and it's like all right let's go to the fucking pub we'll have to watch the first half of the game right then I got to leave I got a train to catch three beers there we go oh it's starting to feel like myself yeah it was a good night for your yeah

for the dice cast for the dice it's out of our hands yeah there's nothing we could do going down the road yeah yeah well that's kind of pathetic and sad but fuck it what's not nice at the time it was great bringing people out to a show I remember there was a back back when I was doing stand-up that I was opening for Paul Mooney I was like the guy that opened for Paul Mooney at helium cuz that's crazy yeah and so funny.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's awesome.

He is.

He's, yeah.

He's not somebody I would go back and listen to that much. Yeah. Yeah, I like his appearances though on radio and he's just bothering people. Right. And it worked on me. The first couple times I heard him I was like this fucking racist. Like it worked on me. I was like this guy fucking hates white people.

And then you get older and you realize he's literally just fucking with people. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure he didn't like white people but it's funny. Yeah. I mean anyway you were like me enough to bring me back. But so there was a hairdresser that I liked. So I had invited her out. To the Paul Mooney show. Yeah and I didn't know too much about him and then she brought a guy which was pretty horrible and then he, I forget exactly what he screamed but he like literally screamed during the show like you're a fucking racist.

Yeah I can get you. So it was kind of a double whammy on me that night. Yeah. Did you ever speak to her again? I don't recall. It's been so long.

That does suck though. You invited a girl to your show and she brought a fucking guy.

Yeah. Yeah, that's wrong.

Yeah.

That is wrong. But I also did it all wrong. You know, I've tried to basically you're trying to illustrate I've tried to be like hang out with her for a while, you know Like go get my haircut for a year and then be like, oh

As opposed to just like you gotta go right for it. Yeah, it's funny when you start doing stand-up that is Like I was like not excited to tell people but I would drop that

Yeah, I mean that you're doing I can imagine getting a haircut from a cute girl and just being like, yeah, I got a show tonight.

Of course.

Like, what do you do?

It's like, I'm a stand-up comedian, not a big deal. When she comes to the show, I just bomb. Yeah.

You gotta use it.

Yeah. It's hot if it goes well. It's hot. I hate the way you talk. Also, it's also the only thing that has... He calls things sexy, he thinks... I can't help it, that's my vernacular. I got... You know, I have satisfied customers about that.

Stop with the satisfied customers. God, he has a book about how to... go down on women. What? Yeah, he reads it.

Jesus.

What? Why do you need instructions?

Well, hold on. I've got two guesses, y'all. instructions instructions

instructions

instructions

instructions

instructions instructions instructions instructions instructions Your daddy's pussy. Your daddy's pussy. Ass up. Ass up, dude. I don't think so. I don't think so.

I don't think so.

Phil doesn't- Shut the fuck up. What the hell are you talking about? You're gonna be like, Who needs a book? I'm in nothing but a bunch. Any single guy. Any single guy that's going, Ew, you read a book?

The book- Now the worst is the red lighting Lighting Phil he changes his bedroom lighting to red Okay, hold on his phone. He goes Alexa make it Breathe heavy hold on a second the The red lights is a real thing, however they're not like auxiliary lights that I'm setting up. Don't get mad about it.

People do it, you can literally Google it, it's a thing. And plays techno. No I don't play techno. You told me you played techno.

I said I wanted to.

I've liked it, I tried it once, it doesn't work. Hold on Yes I agree with that Cuz the what I found scares the fuck out of them

She fucking a hinge date and you go I don't do that. Hey Siri, can you play Nine Inch Nails? That's fucking crazy.

All right, hang on.

I don't do it.

Let's just- Especially because you're like a sweater golf guy. Well, that's- There's a little freak in there. Yes. And you like that.

You think that's sexy. I do think it's-

You like Fifty Shades of Grey.

Hold on. Do you ever play any Motown? I haven't played Motown. Stop. Chris, thank you. I'll give you that. It's very funny.

Yeah.

But my dad and you are fans of Motown.

I definitely am.

We'll come back to it. I'll give it to you. I'd be doing the same. I'd be doing the exact same. The techno music, I tried one time, I told you that. It doesn't work because the buildup.

Motown doesn't work because of the, or the techno?

The techno.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it's, you know, lovemaking is like a story unfolding.

This is like playing.

Tell you what, I'm putting out some short stories.

Yeah.

Yeah. Tell you what, I'm putting out some short story. A lot of haiku's.

Yeah, a lot of haiku's.

A lot of haiku's. You go, and I'm done. That's five.

Right.

We're going to take a quick break from the show now because we've got something for the sports lovers out there. This is a special segment called More or Less and it's brought to you by PrizePix. You and I make decisions every day, like right now. We're all thinking about what to buy for whom and whether we really want to hang out with that weird cousin again this holiday season.

But on PrizePix? Being right can get you paid. Yup, the holidays come with so much sports action and on prize picks, whether you are a football fan, a basketball fan, or a fan of both like me, it always feels good to be right. Now let's get into this.

Who's looking good and who is on the sports naughty list right now? All right, please begin with your picks. And they said said make sure these players are playing this week. Obviously there's a ton of football. This is what I'm excited about right now guys. A ton of football on Thanksgiving. I'm focusing on

the Green Bay Packers right now. I'm thinking Romeo Dube's.

More.

But then you have Matthew Golden and I'm going hmm less same name as me. That's not a good sign. Um Who else do we have here? Ooh Luke Musgrave more I'm thinking more for old Luke Musgrave for sure And then we have Jordan love and I mean, let's be honest guys less So, yeah, those are my picks. Personally, you can disagree. That's fine. That's what I love about sports is just guys can come together and you know, talk

about stuff like this, but that's where I'm coming from. So I'd love to hear your guys's crop chop some comments below about your comments about who's going to be more or who's going to be less because you know this is the sports naughty list right now. Okay so that's our take now it's time to lock in yours and what better time because new feature alert prize fix now has early payouts and if your lineup gets off to a hot start you may now have the option to cash out those winnings before the game even finishes

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Where did you get that that love making is like a story because that has to be in one of your books. Yeah, yeah There's a book called I think this one's called come as you are She comes first, yeah, I know

I'm not naming them Shane. I'm looking at reddit and asking asking Reddit, what are good books about lovemaking or whatever this,

and then they listen.

That's where you wanna go for sex tips. Why not? The guys from Reddit.

Those pussy hounds on Reddit. So what's the, Come As You Are is like written for women that struggle with, you know, or.

Sure, bud. Are there testimonials in the I didn't think the conversation was heading in that direction or I really wouldn't be participating I understand yeah that's just I do keep going though are you doing no then well

I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable but now the whole point I

yeah I'm not gonna be staying that much longer, but... Shut up. Anyhow, when we were in Pittsburgh last week for the football games, we stayed at the William Penn Omni. Nice. And they put us up in this suite because friends of ours had a connection. It was fantastic.

It was.

That's a good subject change.

It really was.

You stayed in a nice hotel. Fantastic

The William Penn Omni is beautiful historic hotel downtown Pittsburgh

And what had happened is they have what's called the governor's suite and they convert it to the Santa's suite in

November and the first night we were there November 14th. We walk in

Everything is Santa they got his boots laying there. Oh, that's nice.

They got gingerbread men out. They've got shower curtains changed, everything, the bed sheets, and there's two extra common rooms. So there was like 2,000 square feet of hotel that we had for three nights.

That's really great.

And it was fantastic. Yeah. I just wanted to get away from what he was talking about.

That's fine. First of all, what he was talking about, he was the one. No, I get it. He says he is open about this stuff.

You read a lot.

Well, about certain things.

He's at fault here.

It is fun though.

What are you looking at me for? He's the instigator. Is he? Yes! He lit the fuse. Yeah.

He made you an offer you couldn't refuse. I regretted the fuse.

I also regretted the fuse.

You just didn't regret it?

Yeah.

That's not what I want.

I would like to stay in a Santa hotel room though.

That'd be nice.

It's unbelievable. How big were the boots like they were ours. So he brings the boots down to put them in the car. I said, buddy, no, that's part of the room. They're not mine, they're Santa's.

Yeah.

You saw the Pitt no name game.

What'd you think of that, Phil? I thought...

Was Hunter able to say what's up to you?

Who?

Hunter Biven?

I didn't see him there. OK. say what's up to you? Who? Hunter Biven. I didn't see him there. Okay. I didn't see him there. I was told me to get the word out that you were there. Yeah. I was looking for him. I didn't see him. I saw Phil acts like he's not like a glory hound. He's a complete glory hound. No, we had you guys have a lot in common. My, my, my friends set us up with great seats We were three rows from the from the the wall Phil text me goes let them know I'm here Nice guys 100 100 would have said what's up?

Yeah, I saw Ron Paulus and some of the other guys, but I didn't have a chance to say hello They probably wouldn't know me. They didn't know you they'd remember you from the commercial Anyhow, so we saw that pit not her name on Saturday and then Sunday We saw the Steelers and the Bengals play and that was you know just... Wait was that that wasn't flack overs Rogers? That was incredible. You were there for that? Yeah. Oh that's awesome. Yeah yeah but Rogers got hurt and then the the other guy came in and he did a great job but

that was fun. I was I was amazed truth, at how much support those Steeler fans give that team. I mean, that stadium, they are 100% for the Steelers, and they cheer every play. And even though people may not like this or that, they support that team. I would love to play for the Steelers after.

I mean, seriously, as far as an NFL team, I would love to go to Pittsburgh and play for the Steelers. They really do a great job with them. I've always wanted to see a game in that stadium. I've never seen a game in that stadium.

I don't think I've ever seen the Steelers play.

How about that?

Yeah, I don't think I have either. We gotta get out there. Those are the best fan bases though. Yeah, they are. They're small towns.

Cincinnati's got a good fan base.

Green Bay.

Buffalo's, yeah.

Buffalo, Green Bay, Buffalo's great. Yeah.

The Eagles are great.

The Eagles are great.

The Eagles are such a fun fan base.

They're like an evil version of the Bills Mafia.

Evil version?

They really are. It's fun though. Yeah, they sort of had a thuggish reputation, the Eagles fans.

Yeah, it's fun.

Yeah, but I think they're getting away from that because they raise ticket prices so much that some of the- The riffraff?

Some of the-

They're outside.

They're outside of the stadium. Oh, they're outside. They're not going in.

Yeah, yeah. No. I went there once I went there saw the Eagles Niners a few years ago I went into the game. I had nine dollars to my name. I bought a Bud Light. It was nine bucks Dollars I went with it was big J and Soter and they were like do you want to come to this game with us? And I was like, yeah, fuck you. And uh, they were like, here, we got you tickets. You can't say we don't have any more with us. You're up in the, I was up in the nose

bleeds with big J sister and brother-in-law, just me and them freezing. It was cold and rainy. I got one beer. I was like, well, yeah, told this story a thousand times when you were overdrafting Chipotle. I love how you say it. What? Chipotle. Oh, Chipotle. Yeah. Overdrafting Chipotle for sure. Yep. But the reason I brought that up is because the riff raffer is still outside. So my buddies are like Philly trash and they were out there, they're snorting shit off their dashboard It was like let's snort oxys Yeah, they're getting after it a couple pain pills in the parking lot

I mean I cry if I had to be around if I had it. I'll tell you what I wasn't too comfortable Yeah, watching guys snort You're gonna get tired. You're gonna not feel your body. Go into Xfinity live and try to fight someone. Ride the bull, just get fucked off the bull.

Yeah, that's, no, they're still there. They're not going anywhere. Yeah.

Yeah, it's tough getting back to your car.

There's a new class of plumbers snorting pills out there, uh-huh

Waiting for somebody in another Jersey

It was a great weekend That's good, what do you got next Phil what's going on? What do you got on the docket? I know your knees bothering you might I might send you down to Austin and get some stem cells in there I took a shot of cortisone yesterday. Oh, it's helping. Yeah. Oh, you got Steve's got arthritis. Yeah

Yeah, I haven't gotten cortisone yet though because it's apparently only so many you can get of those

But yeah, I definitely noticed a difference and she said it could take two or three days before you really notice a difference. And she said sometimes it'll last for a couple weeks, sometimes a couple months, and sometimes several years. It depends on the individual. They don't really know how to determine that.

The science is out.

Yeah.

How about, would you get stem cells? I don't know what the fuck they do, but. know how to yeah to determine that so the science is out yeah how about uh

would you get stem cells I don't know what the fuck they do but yeah well I'd have to do some research on it yeah yeah if your knees work right I think they work these guys are good at the people in Austin are the people who did Rogers Achilles oh yeah yeah well we'll get you in there. Whoa.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know what it does. I mean, right now, the guy that, I had a torn meniscus, he operated on it, and then said there's a lot of arthritis in there. It's so funny, if I sent Phil down there, they'd just kill him.

Give him stem cells, we don't know what the fuck that shit does. No, I want him as a bud. Kills him right away. It never really improved my knee. It did briefly, but in the last two months, it's just been killing me. And plus I'm coaching basketball, so I'm walking on it all the time.

Even driving the car. I mean, I can't, if it's positioned incorrectly, it just, pain shooting through my knee. Wakes me up at night constantly. I can't, I have to it's really terrible. It sucks it really does so that's why I took the cortisone shot I do have a an

appointment December with the surgeon remember the mic into the mic yes so my

voice carries some guys aren't for showbiz so I think I'm getting like a hip thing I think I get like a pointer. I think you and me are drinking Yeah, I'll wake up with just a dead arm Passed out on it. Yeah, fuck that happened a couple times in my 20s woken up Oh, you're falling asleep on your own. Yeah, and woke up with like the deadest arms I've ever felt in my life. It was just like this has has to be permanent. This has to be a permanent injury.

There's got to be nerve damage.

Phil, the last time I was here, you were fucking hammered.

When?

No, wait, seriously.

That's crazy. First off, that's very funny.

When? We got home. Were you there?

I don't think so.

We got home late. I don't think you expected us until the morning. You thought you were all safe up on that deck by yourself. We would open the door, Phil goes, hey guys, how are you?

Like damn, you were getting wasted out here. That was after the golf tournament. No, it was the day before. You were out there getting ripped. Well, if you can't do it at your own home, where can you? And then he went and got a Kit Kat bar before bedtime.

Ooh, that's good. I saw him reach to the candy drawer on the way up to bed. He ate a fucking Kit Kat bar. What's wrong with that? Candy bar before bed, and then he was in the hallway. I was like, Phil, you got to be quiet.

He was like, shh. He's like laughing.

Don't make things up.

Yeah, but I don't really go for candy when I'm boozing

More of a chicken parm chicken bombs crazy Taco Bell kind of guy speak my language. I Don't know how you're getting chicken farm. Well, what time are you drunk?

It will at least in Philly there were a couple late

You get a chicken parm at any hour. Yeah, at least in Philly, there were a couple late night spots that stay open.

You can get a chicken parm at any hour of the night. You get greedy at night with the grub. Yeah. This guy would order a thousand Big Macs, eat four of them in one sitting, you'd watch him do it. Didn't even take a breath.

Two Big Macs was the move. Two Big Macs was crazy. Yeah. But I was reaping all the benefits. He would pass out.

There's a third Big Mac in here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think there was a lot of times I only ate one Big Mac and I'd come out and I'd be like, I ate two Big Macs last night?

And you were like, yeah, man, it was nuts. I think that was three. You definitely ate two.

You always ate two.

Yeah. Yeah That's good stuff. What else what else what else do we got here Phil? You know tell us a fun fight story you ever beat anybody up. Nope. Yeah Clean cheat a funny Stories. Yeah

How about the story when I had to walk that girl home? I don't know about yeah well, I Don't even know if you were born then but this sticks out of my mind is one of the funnier stories we lived About 10 miles from here or five miles from here and back then in the mid 80s. We had a landline, you know phone Okay, so I would answer this phone and say, hello, Gillis's, and I would hear this,

huh, huh, huh, like this pervert on the other end. And I would just go nuts. I'd say, you son of a bitch. If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to kill you. Because Katie and Sarah were both like six and seven at the time, and Joan, you know, she was, you know, still hot.

And so I'm thinking there's some perverts just watching what's going on here. And I don't know if they're after the girls or after Joan. But then like a week later, I'd pick up the phone and say, hello, Gillis has an idea. And there's, oh, oh, like, yes.

And I say, and I would swear I'd hear this, ah, ah, like yes, and I'd say, and I would swear I'd go nuts. I would just, so this went on for like six weeks, like once a week. And then one Sunday afternoon, Sarah's girlfriend comes up in a baby stroller

and she's some little overweight Greek kid, all right? So, Joan says to me about three hours later, will you walk her home? Because she was putting Katie and Sarah, getting them in the baths or whatever. So I said, sure.

So I start walking with this kid and she's got her baby carriage and we walk and I take about 10 steps and I hear this, ah, ah, and I go, it's you, isn't it? The kid had asthma, I didn't know it. Every time I answered the phone,

I scared her so much she would never say anything,

and then I'm swearing at her.

You motherfucker.

And that's what I was saying.

Yeah, that's a true story, that poor kid. That's great, I remember when Mike Connelly hit puberty. That was a tough one. Yeah. My buddy Mike hit puberty like real early. He would call me like a shiner. And they're like, who is this? You fucking pervert. We had to stop. He wasn't allowed to play football with us anymore. We did hide our backyard football games from him. Cause he was just that big. He was a fucking monster. He would kill us. Yeah. My friends a no jump rule against me when we play basketball

You were not allowed to shoot. No, they weren't allowed to jump Oh block because I was so tiny. That's nice. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah He got humped by a Down syndrome guy playing basketball. That's right

Yeah, you want me to tell You know, he's just a little over excited, you know sort of toss me here let me tell you Would you make a tough shot or something? He he knew the other he knew the pretty girls were gonna be at recess watching and he said And he said watch this. I'm a good guy. I'm gonna help this special needs boy First of all, I won an award which I sent you a photo of which is What's that the nicest guy award?

But do you remember I was like, I think it's something with Congress and then it was like a state

Congress like a judge from Westchester But no, he was trying to show off for the ladies and be like look

My cousin, you know you were It's a byproduct You know, it wasn't like I sat there and said look how can I get a date in middle school? It was my cousin started doing it his school. So I was like, that would be a cool thing to do here

Yeah, yeah, but once he's all ladies watching, you were kind of dude, everyone was all about are the ladies watching? Yeah, of course. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's just a funny thing to have backfire. Yeah. You're trying to be a good guy and the

fucking guy starts humping you. They can pull them off. Yeah. Chicky. Yeah. He had to pull them off. Yeah. I remember the stress of just like running the mile in gym class Now that's when you hit the fucking I'm too cool for this yeah, yeah, fuck that I'm walking dude There's no way I'm gonna fucking do that right Ron and lose to a fucking like all the girls yeah now that's I'm too cool for this that's what I'll hit the I'm too cool for this button basketball tryouts instantly shirts once I oh you got to do that there's no okay you got to take the skins you can't you can't even fight it

okay this you can't even when they go shirts and skins your own skins in your head you go fuck

You got play that cool you guys

Know I'm talking about like Once I knew I sucked at basketball. That's when I was like

Lay up line try out. I'm just fucking oh

launching it against the backboard

Fuck it. I don't even care. And I'd get home and go, I wish I could play with my friends.

I sucked so bad at basketball.

Because yeah, I would just, I wouldn't go through the cool thing, I'd just go right to the crying thing. Skins was tough, but what was nice was there was a couple guys that had, we were all going through puberty, so they all had, some of the guys just had giant tits.

You remember those like puffy nipples kids got?

No.

Yeah. You didn't play enough sports. Trust me. Okay. When you go skins, like 20% of the kids have giant fat nipples. So that, they distracted everybody.

Everybody goes, yo, why do you have tits? Yeah, I had everybody everybody goes

What I told you that was tits

From that and it was just puffy nipples. It's just puffy nipples. He was in perfectly good shape. Yeah, skinny He just had a rack dude. Yeah. Yeah, I told you I drained him. Oh, yeah, that's the worst man. I Pierced him. Oh, oh, yeah, I didn't know what I thought I was growing tits. I was freaking out I was gonna talk to anyone about it. Yeah, you can't tell anyone about I was just fucking houses I put a needle in that what happened? I don't know. I guess stuff maybe a couple inches shorter than I should have been but

I know I think it was like important

All the power was in your nipples you were about to be six eight You know it wasn't worth the risk you'd be a problem six eight with tears tall you would have a real problem Yeah, you're billed. Yeah. Yeah, yep, man. What that'd be so fun

All right, so you're gonna wrap it up gotta wrap it up gotta get ready for our Basketball, okay. You got anything to say the guys have been waiting for you to be on the pot for I don't really know who the guys are Everybody Your chef good to be with you today

Yes, nice pop in before Thanksgiving good to see everybody. Yeah All right, I'm out of here. All right. We'll keep going. Yeah, sure. What are we at time? It's a tough couch to fucking get out of This episode is brought to you by dose Supporting your liver daily with dose is one of those small things that can make a huge difference in how you feel overall. You're going to reduce sluggishness, get rid of midday crashes, support your metabolism, and aid digestion.

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Not to derail you guys when you were

Chris knew exactly what he was doing. Of course. And Phil hit me with a ... That would've hurt. When he was like, you need a book? I was like ... I don't know how I didn't think this through. I'm talking about eating pussy with my dad?

That's a fucking crazy thing.

Yeah, I didn't know if you wanted him to dive in or not.

No, absolutely not. Obviously, it would be funny, but I don't need that.

I don't think he understands...

And, uh... team this year. You know, you can't win without good kids and coaching. Yeah. To go deep into the pussy eating conversation. Then just pour 60 beers on top of that. Wake up tomorrow. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. That'd be sad. It'd be nice to take it easy tonight.

Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm taking it easy, dude. You're taking it easy? Yeah, yeah.

I got burnt.

I walked too close.

You did get burnt. I got too close to the sun. Yeah, I gotta stop doing that to you.

I was, yeah.

You can't go into deep waters. I mean, I've been in the deep.

You have been in the deep.

Yeah, you are. I've been in the deep. Yeah, but it's not he's not built for it. No, no No Now the wheels come off you start going. Yeah, but also your depth is so much. I'm just drinking brewskis But they're bringing out the green teas green teas are alright. Yeah, but if you have to now I can't I can't you know

Once a single I can go alcoholic what I don't even think they're alcoholic. What? I don't even know what's in there. Enough.

Enough to change.

You start hitting that brown liquor.

The brown is, that's-

That's when he's going for a run. Sure.

That's when he's fighting,

me and him are fighting.

Right.

Yeah, that's true.

But I don't think I asked for the brown all weekend that every once in a while someone's... Oh, it found its way. Somebody offered me a shot, I go, Chris will fucking do it.

Ugh.

Yeah.

I was saying no. We said no to a... a, uh, twisted tea chug.

Oh, yeah.

That was big.

That's an insane offer.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey, you want a chug of twisted tea? Oh, no thank you. And then they were like, I'm gonna look like a dick if you don't do it. We'll film it, chug this. You go, yeah, that's good. Let's get that out there. My fat neck chugging a fucking, just looking into a camera like,

Westchester! Kids would come up to me and be like, yo, can you shout out fucking Sigma Chi, whatever the fucking frat is. I usually say no, but every once in a while I'm drunk and I'll be like, yo, Sigma Chi. I'm a loser, dude. I get into town, I become a fucking embarrassment.

It's really embarrassing. You're so nice about it.

I'm nice to people, but then you hang out too late College kids coming in be like Right your face spit on you yeah, but I get it. I remember sure I was a college kid I'll be so happy sure yeah, I

was dream

College colleges yeah, It was a dream. Oh, so fun. We might've lost the economy. He went to hell this weekend. I did. He's on a different plane. I descended. I descended. I need to ascend. I need to do a big dry out. You and me are going to be in We do. I need to, I need a big dry out. You and me are going to be in complete control.

Don't worry.

It's only the holiday season. I need a big dry out. It's only the holiday season. We're probably not going to be drinking that much and not depressed at all. Yeah, well my family goes light on the booze, so I can get in. We'll go light at Thanksgiving.

Yeah. I can I can I can go we'll go light at Thanksgiving. Yeah, it's well

They won't but I will I don't like getting drunk in front of them. No, I guess my family. Yeah. Yeah

No For real. Yeah. Yeah, it's bad. Look. Mm. Yeah, especially the way I actually drink. Oh, yeah That would be funny they treat it like the medical emergency that it is.

That it is. It's like, yeah.

Like, wait, so you're doing this when you're not around?

This is what you're doing? No, this is just for Thanksgiving.

I miss you guys. I miss you so damn much, I don't even remember it. I don't even it remember seeing you that's good stuff yeah it's fine we're in complete control now are you excited for tires I couldn't be more excited yeah I'm excited it's gonna be so much fun I'm excited it's the best it's incredible just filming together goofing

off you'll get mad oh it's gonna be cold you're gonna be such a bitch the whole time. I think I'm gonna be a bitch too. It's cold. It is cold as fuck in there. We only got a little lick of the winter last year. We're going to be in the depths. My understanding is that there's like heating elements outside now and that they're going to be a little bit better about having places for me to go personally warm up that would not affect your... Yeah, because you ruin a room. I... I... accidentally I did that once. You set it to 95 degrees. He does have a nice trick to keep me out of his office.

Oh, oh.

At the writing room. Yeah.

I go in there, I take two steps into the room and I go, oh my god, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I did. I'm like cold-blooded. I run my temperature runs low. I do great in the summer. Yeah, I like walking around the office and seeing what you guys are up to. Yeah. Walk past yours. You're laying on a inflatable mattress. Walk. Chris is asleep on a fucking beanbag. It's fucking crazy. Everyone's asleep. Dude. The whole staffs asleep. It's exhausted If you come in it like to yeah, dude, I hear you four hours a hard-thinking

Gotta lay it down a lot of guys. Yeah, you got a lot of naps in there

We need the scripts by Thursday Please John the scripts by Thursday everyone's oh fuck John John hurry up please John yeah this is it's it's just so exciting and that that is the one thing I was saying is like to be to be famous for like small famous than I am for like this reason well you know what I mean sure oh not you I'm just I don't like this reason. Well, you know what I mean? Sure. No, not you, I'm just saying,

I don't like even talking about it, but yeah.

Oh, well, I mean, it is a factor. Yeah.

But for this reason, like, it's just so nice. Because it's about a show, you and John, and it's like people that really care about each other.

I couldn't imagine being like. Who the fuck would wanna be famous? Well.

That shit's wild.

That's my point.

It's like if you were a reality show famous.

Yeah.

What a nightmare.

Just desperate, just trying to be famous. You don't wanna have talent at all,

you just wanna be famous.

Right.

Nightmare. Nightmare.

Yeah, but it is it is funny. I do like seeing you be the big man on campus. I like watching you walk around and go Oh, yeah, that's me. That's not what I do. Oh, yeah, I don't do that Oh, yeah, but I'll tell you what it is rewiring my brain, you know, like cuz bars I used to never so I'm trying to get better Shane's trying to get me out of my comfort zone, which I'm eternally grateful for and like went to the Eagles Halloween thing, yeah Right out of the gate yeah, well the picture I thought we were I thought he wanted us in the picture

Yeah, I was like save let's Andre. He is a really awesome guy.

Yeah.

How fuckin' nice is he?

Yeah.

He's great.

Everyone was so nice. Obviously, everyone's great, but I went to, me and him, after the Halloween party, went to Bonner's. Yeah. I just sat with him at the bar at Bonner's. He's singing.

Yeah. See- He started singing. It was very funny.

That's fantastic.

See what? See what? The difference between you and Jordan Milano singing. Yeah, if I was just gigantic and I said, I want to dance, you would be, oh, you're a dancer. You'd be like, it's so cool. If you were first off. I wasn't saying oh, it's so cool It's funny to hear a guy that it's that big. Yeah, you're like thinking about getting into singing

Really good voice he does that's the difference also if you had a great voice and good moves I

Can support it?

The moves are actually pretty good. No, no. I will say that. You got good moves. And you got long legs. You fucking look good out there.

You look like some type of bug on the dance floor. I don't look good.

You look like a fucking bug out there.

I know.

I wish I was more proportioned. Now I think long legs is good for square dancing. Look at all three of us are pretty far to the proportions. What are you talking about? You're a shot the fire.

I'm the ideal man. Hey, let me tell you.

Talk to my ex.

Hey, talk to my ex. That's what I think I'm going to do what I think I'm gonna do. I think I'm gonna dry it out. I'm gonna get big into yoga.

You gotta dry it out before we film.

I'm gonna get flexible.

For sure. Yeah. And while we're filming, we gotta

get the fitness going.

Thankfully, it's gonna be early enough days because of the lighting. So you're not gonna, we're not gonna be able to.

No, yeah.

We go ahead.

No, that's it.

Yeah.

It's kind of like a little bit of identity crisis to think about how different I would be if I was Jordan Milata's size.

Yeah.

God, I'd love it if you were the exact same. If there was just a giant version of you. I would probably say. Hey! exact same. There's just a giant version of you. I would probably say, I don't like parties. I'm going home. Six, eight jacked. I'm going as Jafar to the Eagles Halloween party. I have to leave. I'm blind. Well, it's because my pupils don't dilate. So it's like, uh,

I can't see anything. And I think I asked you at one point was like who's that over there and you're like

Dang it. I can't see him. Yeah

And then just a bunch of giants like Cena was there. Oh, he was yeah Wow. No, yeah, Steve couldn't see him Folks I got plenty more

More fucking gold like that I

Would I would Jenny if I couldn't see I would freak out in those environments, too Yeah, cuz like when Shane came in then Jordan my lot. I was like dancing Yeah, like I'm dancing and then there was some movement back towards me And then there was literally nowhere to go. I was against the bar

Yeah, so then you

Yes

We were the only ones there yeah other than the team it was very weird. Yeah, it was awesome It was really nice with the Dickerson's. Oh, that's so they put it together. he couldn't be how great is he yeah man yeah that's it's funny when you get to know the the guys that play football like it changes the way I watch the game like like last night Christian McCaffrey running the ball 30 times every time he runs ball I'm like don't be safe right yeah don't get hurt I just you become a girlfriend. Oh, no, he's down Get up get up. He's up. He's up. He's good. He's a hell of a game. Yeah, they gave me like I'm so proud

Yeah, like I watch Bill's games now I'm back to that cuz Gabe sure Dave Davis is bad I watch it again

I'm like a fucking girlfriend watching this shit

Anytime he doesn't get thrown though, you're like he was he was open

Yeah, cuz it really you know, it makes them it makes them. It's such a scary. And just your entire career can be done in a second. Yeah. I don't, I genuinely don't know how there aren't eight broken legs every running play. Me neither. Me neither. Obviously, I just ran. If no one tackled me, I'd be like, ah. Just pull up, tear your Achilles.

I'm surprised the line guys don't wear the double leg braces.

Yeah.

Also, I feel like the arm, the arm brace thing, it feels like, when the D guys wear it, it feels like cheating.

Why?

You just got a metal weapon you can hit. Dude, when we would play like indoor lacrosse, there'd be these fucking Canadian guys and they would build like their own like armor. They would just like, they would, they would like heat up plastic and build just like a shield.

And then they'd just fucking crush you.

Canadians are fucking you up.

They're nuts.

Yeah.

Are they better than you?

I, well.

Who's better?

Skill level? skill level. Who's better the Americans or the Canadians? I think the Canadians yeah. Really? I mean. Damn it is like a clash of the pussies who can play the real sport. It's our non-football guys versus their non-hockey guys. That's a battle. Who are the pussy guys?

This is our best group of pussy guys. No, the Canadians, because everyone when I was growing up was like, you got to have like, be like good with both hands and all this stuff. And Canadian guys went, fuck that.

Yeah.

They just got so good with one hand.

And then they, now New York has the Native Americans. Yeah, yeah, Onondaga.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We were laughing about-

Padre Shonny or whatever. Yeah. We were laughing about Jim Brown playing. He was like nasty at lacrosse.

Yeah.

Jim Brown?

He played lacrosse at Syracuse.

Okay.

Yeah. There must have been 10 people on earth playing lacrosse. He must have just trucked the fuck out of those kids. Yeah. So I was asking him, I was like, can you just lower your shoulder with the ball? He was like, yeah. That must have been fucking terrifying. Yeah, he just blew me. I'd be racist. Sure. If I was one of those white guys out there, I'd go, get him off the field.

This is fucking crazy. Yeah, that feels like a sport ripe to have somebody come in and just dominate like that.

Yeah.

Yeah, Jim Brown. I'd love to see it.

Holy fuck.

I would love to see like a LeBron kind of guy out there. Yeah. He's so scary. Jordan Milata with a lacrosse stick. No Jordan. He would shoot the ball 200 miles an hour. It's great.

Jordan Milata needs to be nowhere near any other sport. Yeah. Dude. I remember he's scary out there. He's he shakes your hand after the game. You straight the girlfriend, girlfriend mode again. Oh my God. Your hands are so God. So fucking gay the whole time. Now you can sing and he's handsome. He's dressed like a vampire. Yes, he was. He was just like a vampire.

He was kind of crazy. I was our fucking squad of mutants in the corner, just like a fucking Ninja Turtle. Blind going home. We got a whole team of pugs in the corner. These are my buddies.

We're all fucking pieces of shit. I had the hat, the Jafar hat was like two foot and it still wasn't. Blizz, Blizz showing up with the fucking, whatever that face paint was. Yeah, the mime. It was fucking

horrifying. That's a high level move though.

The bees, dressed as a bee, that was nice.

Yeah, it was a good night.

Those were some good costumes.

I thought I had a good turtle costume.

You did have a good, I had no costume.

Classic.

No, no, it wasn't too cool. I just didn't have time. Should have gotten you one. We went to the store right before. Should have gotten you the big one. I got the Jason mask. Yeah. It's a classic. But it'd be nice to get you a Power Ranger. Yeah, I'm not built I physically am for a bodysuit. Well, it's baggy. It better be. It better be baggy. There's a lot of problems with the latex suit with me.

And the tenus might be number two. The love handles is where we're running into some real fucking chaos. Just a belt, a Power Ranger belt sagging underneath my gut. I'd be with you.

I go, I'm going home too.

This fucking blows. I think that'd be such a sick look.

If I pulled it, yeah. If I wore it with confidence, yeah, but there's no way I would it there's no way I could Be doing the adjust my fucking shirt Pulling the penis out this time the whole time don't get that spandex off my dick. This is crazy Jordan, my love is gonna see my tiny penis

Dude I remember when we were in uh, we think, late middle school, early high school, Casey Powell, who's like the best player in the world at the time, came and we were hanging out and he was like shooting. He was shooting like 95 miles an hour and Sullivan just picked up a stick. He was in eighth grade.

He just picked up a stick and shot like one ten. Gizzy Powell was 25. Sullivan was a horse though. He's a monster. I can't imagine an NFL lineman like actually playing lacrosse and shooting the ball.

Fucking funny. If you're allowed to just truck people. It would kill goalies. Yeah, they'd have to start actually wearing pads.

Like way more pads.

Like a thick hockey chest protector. Those guys must be crazy. They're nuts. Lacrosse goalies.

They're nuts.

Yeah. I like those positions in sports that are real weird. Like MLB pitchers are just insane people. I would imagine hockey goalies are fucking weird dudes.

Hockey goalies, yeah. Yeah.

They're supposed to be. Every single golfer, weird dork. Yeah, they got- I don't know any.

I've only met a couple and they were all very normal and nice.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Just trying to belittle your sport, your favorite. I just wanted to take your favorite thing and say it sucked. Okay. Even though it doesn't. No, but it has to, a little bit, because it's such a head game position.

I would imagine those are weird people.

Yeah.

Like you have to do all these like weird mental stuff to like keep from absolutely melting

down.

Yeah. So I have goalies like talking to pipes and stuff.

Thanking pipes. My favorite was just during COVID going to baseball games where the stadium was empty and you could just listen to the pitchers.

They're fucking insane, dude.

What are they saying?

Every time they put their glove over their face,

they're like, you motherfucker, fuck, fuck.

Really?

Really.

I'm just back to the game, you're like, holy shit.

Whoa.

Yeah, no, they're mental patients. Wow, that's really interesting. I mean, I get it. Yeah. Yeah. Giving up a home run? Yeah. You can just hear it. As soon as it leaves the bat, you hear the pitcher go, fuck! Son of a fucking bitch! Give me the ball!

It's just winging the next pitch. I can't imagine having the confidence to just throw the pitch over the plate.

Tommy put me onto that. It's very funny. someone gives up a home run usually the next pitch is 95 fastball yeah in the middle That's got to be the worst feeling in the world giving up a homer yeah, it's a tough one

Give up a homer? Yeah. That's a tough one. Giving up a sack sucked.

Oh my god.

That was really shitty.

It's gotta feel horrible.

Yeah. Especially your friends with the quarterback, he's your buddy. You're just getting crushed. I'm getting killed. I don't know who the fuck this guy is. I'm gone.

This game.

Run away. What can you do if you're just getting smoked? What do you?

Nothing, just lunge at him. Hopefully the coach can make an adjustment and help with the clock. Get the running back chip. Yeah.

But we didn't have that. So it was just, you're just, you're gonna get fucked up today. Yeah. All day. How many times did that happen? Just to you? Happened once.

Yeah. Happened to me once. It was my last game of my senior year. Oh no.

And the guy across from you, you just play one, you were like, he's a-

Yeah, I like never gave up a sack. And then this one game, this guy was just killing me. The final game.

Yeah. Never played another game. Yeah, dude. another game. Yeah. Oh no. Sorry. Fuck it. I got a memory. I got, I don't care. I got a memory like that in college. I thought you're going to your hockey story. That's a tough one. That's a tough one. He was like deeply troubled by it. Dude. Conference championship. My senior year of college. They like, they, they dialed it up. They called the play to

me. Oh, like take this guy to the rack. Had a shorty. Dude stripped me.

And I like never turned the ball over.

Yeah.

Never. Stripped me. Down the other way.

Didn't see the field again. Oh, man. It was, yeah, it was like a fourth quarter.

Game's like, it's like 7-7.

Yeah.

Run the play. O'Connor, you ready? Yeah. Yes. And I went into it, and I'm like, I am going to smoke this kid. And he just twigged me. You go, yeah, all right, motherfucker. Here we go.

Ah, shoot him off the field.

Dude, it was like, I still, it's one of those things you scream about in the shower. Because it was a thing where it's like, like I hadn't been playing well in the like the last quarter of the season, but the coach is still like, I know, he literally pulled me aside and was like, I know you still got goals.

Oh no! Yeah.

And I was like, hell yeah, dude. That's nice though. Yeah, you know, he's great. Yeah. And then, turned out I didn't have goals left in the game. But it was, that's what was like so painful.

He literally like game on the line, gave me a shot to make a difference. That's tough. You never told me that story.

Oh, it was brutal.

It's literally like the last play in my, yeah.

Heartbreak.

Oh.

That's really hurting you guys?

Yeah, that's a tough one. It's all right. Yeah, that's a tough one. Sorry. That's how sports ends. No, you don't end on top. No.

Yeah. You got humiliated. Fuck it. I'm not doing this. When was your last sport?

That would be probably little league baseball. And it was, yeah, just couldn't. But you were just short yeah when did you grow when did those fucking legs take off freshman year of college holy shit yeah it's been crazy it was pretty nuts how much did you grow six inches seven inches in a year over the time yeah god I wasn't hurt it was it was crazy it was crazy to have to like buy new pants in a year. Yeah. Yeah, that's a dream though

That was I always held out hope. Yeah, I would yeah

I would learn about people growing in college and be like it's still I still

Happen. Yeah, I saw an endocrinologist and they they you know said five six six, five, seven pops. Really? Yeah.

I don't think they know shit.

I don't know. They get that wrong all the time.

Right.

They're just looking at an x-ray.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a scam. Endocrinologists, I'm coming for you.

You fucking liars.

Remember it was so humiliating because they had like a bead of testicles. Did I tell you about that? It was like a size chart. A size chart. Yeah.

But it was like on a rope, like a butt plug rope.

Yep.

And then my mom, so they checked me, and then my mom came back in the room

and she was showing where my testicles were.

On the big balls?

Yeah, yeah.

What?

Yeah. Is that how they'd see how tall you're going to be? No, I think it was the x-rays, but they were just checking that to see- They were just staring like, here, this is just to show you where you stack up.

What the fuck?

What doctor is this, dude?

Get rid of that fucker.

That's my recollection.

Just so you know, also, you have small, tiny balls. Yeah. able to have kids all that this is just for you. It has no bearing on anything else. Just

want you to know you got a little tiny dick.

Right.

All right.

Thanks for that.

You're like matching up to the age group that typically...

That's a doctor with small tiny balls.

Yeah.

And he's got his little, he's got a notch on there. Right. And he's going, gotcha. Not so small. The 99th percentile. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, how about yeah, what's the biggest?

What was the biggest ball on the chart would you say don't recall?

That would have stuck out to me. I would have been like, holy shit Poor fucking guy. That's crazy. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think they were like abnormalities. I think it was like once you got up to Average male is based on where it ended Yeah, well never really think about this

But yeah, what do you never think about the size yeah, that's we got way bigger fish to fry right next door We got a real problem above and below those things there's stuff going on that we need to take care of Balls are on the back burner for for concern

Kevin

You're a sweet boy. I wish you could come to the show tonight, but thanks for having me on this yeah, it's good to see you Sorry So what I didn't want to make your dad super uncomfortable?

No, because it was funny. Okay. He thinks it's funny. He just doesn't want to talk about eating pussy around me. If I wasn't here, he'd be like, that's what I do.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. No, my family's not, never talk about sex. Got it. Yeah.

I think it's weird when families do it. I couldn't agree more Yeah, I

Agree with that final thoughts here Anything you want to go off your chest no no I think I think I'm glad glad I Made it through. I was really up against it yesterday. I thought you were dead. Yeah, yeah You don't respond when you're like that. That's annoying. I know. But I get it. Sometimes you got to face reality. Shut it down. Shut it down. Yeah.

Communication gone for sure. Communication gone for sure.

All right. Well that's a good podcast. Yeah. Thank you.