Ep 610 - The Bewick's Wren (feat. James Mccann)

I was told the birds hatched while I was gone, and I don't see any sign of it.

Yeah, you'd see the eggshells, at least, you would think, but...

The papa comes in every so often, feeds them, then flies out.The dad's feeding them?Yeah.Or the mom.

Yeah.They have stayed together, which I'm very happy.That's awesome.It's not just the mom.There's mom and dad.

Really?

Yeah, it's very exciting.

Two -parent household?

Yes.

I guess the one, the dad bird's bigger, I guess?Stronger, like uses a reason or something?How do you tell?How do you tell?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.Yeah, he and I smoke.He meets me back outside and he goes, yeah, pour me a beer, brother, my fucking...

Just a thimble.

My wren's being a real bitch.But yeah, that's very exciting stuff.And I got the birdhouse with a camera on it that will never be installed.You'll see that sitting on that island.No.The remainder of my time in this house.

Where do you got to mount that?Is that going to be on the fence?I don't know.

There's that tree over there.That'd be nice.I'll get it up there.

You don't got to tell me twice to clam that tree.I'll clamber up that thing.I would love that.I love clambering a tree.I know.Fucking tree broke.

What the hell was that about?Smashed my car.We thought that was an AI picture, LaMer said.That fucking sucked.Yeah, that's bullshit.

How the hell did it fall?Especially the way LaMer, you know what it is?It's all that construction on the road and it's a dead tree and finally it just fucking, yeah.

Whoa, okay.

Yeah.I mean, they were shaking this fucking house.I thought it was going to crack.

There's a crack running through the floor in that bathroom.Do you know about this?No, dude.The floor is split in half.Sidewalks cracked out there.

Those vibrations fuck shit up really badly.This house is insane with that.

No, that's like a whole part of civil engineering where you have to like, the amount of vibration coming can like break windows and shit.It's pretty nuts.

Well, it split a gigantic tree that then destroyed my car.

And it's well, it's a weird thing to like hold people accountable for it.But you know, your vibration because it's hard to prove.Yeah.But yeah, so they were doing stuff tree fell.Did it just like

crack in half or did it yeah like split and the mayor you were very it was nice It was a good video you sent cuz it was kind of a reveal you started with the tree and I was like Oh a tree broke.That's fucking crazy thing is sorry about your car I Was actually concerned about the birds Were you worried about Lemaire's friends kind of like using the fallen tree to like climb in up on the roof and into the house?I mean, he had a friend here the whole time.What?Dorian was here.

Oh, deez, I forgot.

The entire week I was gone, Dorian.He was a nice fella.He was a very nice fella.

Did you have to spend some time together?

But I'll tell you what, when you get off the road and you just want to fucking be alone in your house, you got Lemaire and Dorian walking around.

Hey, thanks for letting me come and stay as well.I appreciate it.

You're all right.You're not as big of a, as Dorian and Lemaire together.

He kept offering to make ribs for everybody, and it never happened.He never gave me any ribs.

I think he did make ribs, because LaMer came home looking for them.And then was kind of accusatory, acting like I ate the ribs.Who ate the ribs?You didn't eat them.You didn't eat them.

Dorian ate them.Dorian made ribs.He did.

He was true to his word.

He made ribs.

He just ate them himself.That's what I say.I was like, damn, that's crazy if Dorian just took your food.And he was like, well, he made them.He was like, oh.Important part.

But he ate them.You love inviting guys over and grilling together.That's good stuff.Just you and a guy.That's good stuff, dude.That's good clean fun.

I know it is if you do it like with, I don't know.You keep bringing different guys into my house and grilling with them and then leaving.

You gotta be a monogamous griller.

You can't have this profligate grill technique.Also, it's always just one guy at a time.It's never a few fellas.It's always just you sneak into the garage.A little grill and chill.I got us some ribs.

And then we can watch cartoons.Let's get fucking barbecue sauce all over the couch.Scare my birds.You scare those fucking wrens.I'm gonna fuck you up, man.Don't talk to them.

Yeah, what is the smoking radius?Oh god damn.I just went back down.I'm caught out of the corner of my eye.I'm like, I have like cat visions.

Think about playing Xbox and go.Oh shit.The runs are back.

They're back.They're actually, that thing's bustling right now.Yeah.So the birds flew, but I don't know how birds work.Is that like, do they still chill and headquarter up in there for all?Obviously.

Yeah.

They're pretty active all day.

Yeah, they're fucking rocking it.

I bought them some bird food off of Amazon.I Googled what Ranzied.

I just put a little cup next to the nest.Are they taking it?

I don't know if they're taking it.I think either the man knocked it over or a bunch of them made it.

Yeah, they're probably marching that.

I want them to be hardy.I want them...Yeah, they gotta have their skills.

I'm worried that the cardboard's not stable enough long term.You gotta put...You gotta mattress that.

That thing's stable.

I can't believe you also had Bud Light.

And there's Bud Lights in there.Yeah, you got the Bud Lights.It's structured.

Columns.

There's columns in there.That adds to the village's age.That'd be funny if you eventually betray them by removing their supports.Eventually I'll go, hold on.

I'm out of beers.You're like the evil developer looking at the town.

I could put those to good use.

Yeah, they do have natural resources that I might have to give them a democracy.Tommy almost destroyed the structure.I know.It was great.I know.Reached in, two of them flew out.

He goes, you got bats.

You got fucking bats in you.I'm surprised he didn't get hurt.He's been injured.He's been on toddler time lately.Every time I see him, he's got a new booboo.

Every time I see him, he's got to hide them from his lady.He said, what's up the Navy rolled his ankle out front.Do you remember that?Yeah.This is the night after he was over here and ripped his shins on the fucking pool.They were like really fucked up.

And his fiance gets mad at him for it, obviously, because it's just brewski doubles.So then he comes in limping.I'm like, why the fuck are you limping?And he was like, cause my shins.I was like, no, it's not.It's not cause you're.

He was like, I just rolled my ankle out front.It was a bad one too.He touched the earth.Like he went down.He did a mamma mia.

He lifted right over to the car right away.He heard the horses marry a mushroom.

Now he's small.He's got to watch out because he's, he's getting to the age where that's a fall that puts you, sits you down for a long time.

No, he's not that old.

Jesus, dude.

You said Tommy.I watched a video of Tommy from two years ago.He's aged 15, 20 years.Yeah, you'll see.All right.It happens to all of us.

Yeah.

It's happened to me.I've got gray.Yeah, take a look.No, that's why my hair is a lot.If I cut my hair now, everyone can see them.Yeah.

Once you hit 40, that's, it's just, you are declining.It's going to get way worse for me.Oh, dude.It's pretty crap.I played basketball again the other day.I still hurt.

I had to do standup last night.I was on stage like, My whole back was in pain.I was like, yeah, anyway.

I think you're probably working the back out.I remember seeing the back last summer before I left.Dude, I'm still riding high off that.Your back was in a spooky place.You admired, man.

We were at the pool.I do.I saw him swimming.He admires Matt's physique.

Matt's physique.Dude, he told me to have a huge back.If your physique is as natural as you say it is, it's the most impressive transformation I've ever heard.I appreciate it.I was in the mirror.

I was in the mirror literally two days ago and Brittany was like,what are you doing?I was like James said I had a big back last summer.I'm making sure it's still big.I'm still riding high off that compliment.That's a nice compliment.

Dude, it's huge.I'd never seen my back.I had no idea.

You do have a nice back.Fuck, man.Thank you guys.

I'm gonna be riding high.

I'm gonna be riding crazy off this dude.

Guys with strong backs, secret.Chris O 'Connor's shoulders, it's like a secret.You can't tell when he's walking around.

And then all of a sudden you go, good God, what's going on there?Yeah, I'm excited for, you know, I'm still working hard.I'm trying to cut a little bit.So I'm excited for a reveal pretty soon.

Oh yeah, once the pool warms up.And also when the Rens leave.Then we can have a pool party.But no one's allowed over here until the Rens leave.

I want to be like a four -year -old with cool shoes.I'm going to take my shirt off and just be like...

Is anybody going to say anything?

Yeah, b -ball was nice, dude.

I'm gonna be the opposite, dude.Pop the top and sprint to the water.Float with just my head above the water for the entire time.Get that gator float.

Slide right in.Yeah, I mean, it's come to my attention, I'm a little aggressive for the basketball course.I talk shit the entire time.

Yeah, you are a cocksucker out there.

You talk shit.Anytime someone's shooting, I'm like, oh shit, oh God, watch out, hold on.Anytime I touch the ball, I'm like, give me that ball.

Is it just honks out there with you?

Nah, we had a lot of honks.

Yeah.

Pretty good, pretty good.You know my neighborhood, the racial distribution is almost like engineered.

Yeah, it is a little.The first time I went over to your house for a party, I was a little like, something weird's going on.It was just interracial couples.

Yeah, it does look, it's a bit of a college brochure.

Yeah, it is. dude, we had, I felt bad and Indian guy on my team for the last game.And then he was guarding an Indian guy was guarding him.I got the ball and just pass it to the wrong guy.And I was like, dude, all my team looked at me and just started laughing.Like, nah, I get it, bro.fair that's fair it was dude curly haired same fucking haircut I was like nah dude I'm sorry I mean I've never seen an Indian guy on a basketball court ever they were hooping they were nice were they hooping yeah the one yeah that one guy had a shot but yeah that yeah it's true that when you see him it's usually not they uh It's like prison, they play with the Chinese guys, you put them over there.

They're the others on the basketball court.

It's like you guys go do your thing over there, play hot frog, whatever you guys want to do.

Is there an Indian athlete outside of cricket?Is there anyone who's passed over to, like, sometimes there'll be an Asian footy player in Australia.

Yeah.The great Khali.Asians first, I feel like.There's like an Asian football team.Football player, right?Kickers or something?

Definitely baseball.Yeah.Yeah, I think so.But I've never seen an Indian guy.

Japanese and baseball are doing great.

Tell you what, the, what is it?Hawaiian guys or whatever?

They were doing well in the draft last night.

Yeah.And that's, I feel like a Hawaiian guy is like, you get a lot of racial, it's like very safe racial excitement.You know what I mean?So you're like, ooh, what is that?You guys, you're like campfires or something?You have cool tattoos?

It's like, you know.

I watched some of the draft last night and I don't know if it's the economy has gotten worse, but the outfits they're wearing, have become less ostentatious when they're getting picked.Last year, I meant there was a lot of silk, double -breasted people wearing Edwardian ruffs and all sorts of crazy things.And this year, normal, normal suits.The Samoans had big suits and everyone just had a normal...Is that a fair observation?I didn't see it.

Yeah, maybe it was a...

Subdued draft last year everyone looks like they're in the capital at the Hunger Games.

Yeah No, they'll bring that back.Don't worry.They'll be dressed like fucking idiots.It's because there's a war and people going it's not appropriate I don't think so.

We're lime satin.

They'll break it out reaches that is true So everyone's like kind of modestly or like classically dressed.

It was insane last year.Yeah, that's truepretty wild, man.It was probably the first time you really saw it.But now I've just become used to it.Yeah, we're all totally used to it.

Like a pregame NBA walk is the craziest thing I've ever seen.Every outfit's the worst outfit I've ever seen.

The cool thing would be to go back to the late 90s, huge jacket, huge jacket, ill -fitting pants of the late 90s.

That's the look that Yeah, JNCOs have somehow infiltrated the black community.I've seen a lot of like dudes wearing like super wide leg pants.That's nice.Yeah.So that is, that's, I don't know.I feel like that doesn't, I don't, I don't like it for them to be honest.

JNCOs?

Yeah.It's not for them.I just think it doesn't look right.I don't know.Unless you're like kickflipping or something on the way up there.It's just kind of weird.

I see how you, they're stealing your culture.

Yeah, true.

I mean, yeah.So now, now you understand that that could be a little frustrating.

Bringing the frosted tips.What else are they going to take away from us?

They kind of have yeah.

Oh, here we go.

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Mmm Worst pair of pants I've ever had I I know what they are So I had these another brand of high -end activewear, but they almost they were so sleek They felt almost like pantyhose and I would get a and this is I'm just talking pants right now Noble I would have like a doorbell bulge.It looked like you could literally press the button and enter my house.It was, they were so tough.First of all, they were like so tight on me and I felt like a girl.

You're saying your dick and nuts were sticking out.Yeah, like I was dressed, I felt like - I thought it was soft enough that it would probably give you a slight chub all day.

That's the thing, but then it goes away.I was just so conflicted because I was like, am I borderline, am I like that one politician's husband, if you know what I'm talking about?

Oh yeah.

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Gene's had a good run.Dude, me and Nate were fired up on the Sixers the other day.That was a fun game, dude.Dude, it was awesome.They all went up, they were on stage, and I saw, it was like the fourth quarter, that's all I saw was the fourth quarter, and I saw like the, I saw the Sixers only up by like three, the Celtics made a little run.

Yeah, and then they went on that run, and then the Sixers went on.Maxie came out.Maxie with the layup, that layup.Bro, I was screaming to the crowd, and won.Dude, it might have been my favorite thing I've seen all year.

It was so sick.Dude, before that, just draining those two threes, and like, just like crazy shots.

Edge come in at three and hit that wing.Oh my, dude, live I rewinded it.I rewinded it.I did the same thing.I hit fucking 10 seconds back, and I go, dude, Check this out.Look at this fucking wink, dude.

How fucking cool was that?

Nate was on stage while it was like, oh shit, it was getting close.He went up and I'm watching his maxi ball out.And I was just looking up there like, where is he, dude?He needs to see this, man.This is, we were both, we were fired up.

That was awesome.

That was great.Didn't expect that.

I was just getting into Philly while that was happening.And it was funny cause when you get in, it was the whole city was orange for the flyers.And the Fives were playing the next night.That night, the Sixers were currently playing.I was like, it's funny that the city has already like just given up.And we watched that.

Then that game, that was great.Now I hear Embiid's...

I don't know.Part of it, I think they're trying to fuck with Boston and be like, he might come.So they prepare for that.Cause he is a pendex.He just had...No one's come back two weeks after having an appendix removed, I think, ever.

How many fucking guys have gotten that during a season?

It happens more, it happened a few times during the season, but the playoffs is where people are like, maybe because it's the playoffs, go rush them back.

They also do have some crazy stuff now, medically.Like, I feel like ACLs now, they just, they pop you, like, right back in.Wait, appendicitis?Yeah, appendicitis.I mean, compared to how it used to be.Compared to what, yeah, it used to be like an ending.

Appendicitis is like, yeah, you gotta be down for at least three weeks, dude, I would imagine.

But is that a sports, is that like a sports recovery or is it just like a regular person?I think that's just like you can walk around.Yeah.

Rough and tumble play.Especially, he's gonna play rough and tumble.

Yeah, true.

He's falling on the ground every fucking 10 seconds.

If we can win one more, make it a definite like game six in it, like six game scenario, I think he'll pop back up.

What do you think about tonight?I think Celtics by 50.

What?

Usually, usually you win a game like that.

Yeah, I was wondering.

It's usually a comeback.

I liked at the very end whenthey just put in all their white guys and they were just breaking threes the whole time.When your whites are missing threes, it's like, yeah, you're done.That's bad.That's bad stuff.Yeah.

They put, they threw in the fucking scrub squad at the very, you tell they're like, all right, fuck this game.We'll get it next one.I think we can get one more at home.I don't know about this very next one, but we can get one more home.

Yeah.It's going to be exciting.

Yeah.I think I do think Boston's gonna come back strong.When you're missing like that, you're just like, all right, I got the worst over, now I'm just gonna start firing.

Yeah, they never shoot like that.That's the problem.That was probably their worst game all season, shooting.But that might be defense.Might be the matchup.

The mayor's evil ass.Because he's a hater.He is a hater.

He's a hater.He pretends he's not a hater.

He's an actual hater.

Yeah.That's why I don't want to watch the game.

Which is crazy for a guy who doesn't really give a fuck about sports.He just wants to see his friends sad.He's an anime wrestling video game guy, and then he'll be like, fuck the Sixers.It's just an evil, you're an evil fucker.

We were all happy for you to see Cody Rhodes.

What do you mean?It's owned by a management group, right?It's not owned by one guy.It's owned by a group of people who are - So that's why you don't like them?Yeah, because their only goal is to make money, not to be good or win.What the fuck do you think they're going to do?

What do you think wrestling is?Huh?What do you think wrestling is?

No, I'm saying that's not in the spirit of sports still.Like when it's like, when it's like Larry Balmer owning the Clippers, the Clippers are going to try.But when it's like a group of dudes who own like five teams.

I've never heard this before.This is exciting to me.You want, you think if there's any, if there's more than one owner.

No, it's a managing group.It's like venture capitalists like own the team.

Yeah.

Yes.

But it's still the team.

It's still the coach.It's still the players.They're just trying to make money.They're not trying to like win.They're just trying to make sure they milk money out of people.

I don't know what the Dallas Cowboys have been doing, but I think they're just trying to make money.

Yeah, but then the goal is to win.Cause that makes the most money.It's not true.

Yeah it is.It's probably better to win than to not win.It's definitely true.

Gets people in the seats if you're good.

Yeah, and you can still be a single owner, but they probably have investors too.You know what I mean?So.What do you mean you don't think that's true?

I don't think you have to win.You sell more merch if you win the Super Bowl.What about the Cleveland Browns?

What about the Cleveland?

They sell out every year, but they never win.

What about the Green Bay Packers?They've got a team on the ship.You know, like the city owns the team.But they don't have a single owner.That's everybody buys in, everybody.It's a community.

The Flyers.

Yeah.

They've sucked for a decade.

Yeah.

Now they're back this, now it's like packed when they play.

Yeah.

And they're actually like, even the players are like, holy fuck, I didn't even know it could be like this.And it's like, they're selling out every, like, you understand?

Yeah.But are they owned by a management group or are they owned by like a guy?

I'm not sure there's, I'm trying to point out that winning helps financially.

Yeah, I agree.

Winning helps financially.

Yeah.

Yeah, for the most part there's usually yeah, yeah, yeah, I think so.

Well, that's a good theory I like the idea of it of being like, you know, I want I want a guy this, you know, this isn't a Just put up like reason for you to just not like to talk shit on Nate's team Jim's, huh?

Have I ever told you about the f -45 Jim man?No, he's an Australian man who invented that kind of Jim And then he came out and he started buying teams.He came to America and he started buying teams, but he like didn't have huge money.So he bought like a rugby league team.I think like a very low level baseball team, but he named them after a cocktail that he was inventing.I think I'm getting this right.

I'm going to like, his name was Adam Gilchrist.And he called them like the Gil -gro -ny.because he was going to come out with his own personal cocktail called like the Gil -Gronie, like a Negroni, but for his name.But then he went bankrupt, and the cocktail never came out, but the team had two years of playing in Austin.And they changed the name, and like people were very upset who were fans of the team.And everything about it, I'm not saying that he was necessarily a huge cocaine addict, but everything about it screams, he bought two teams, he named them both after cocktails that never came out.

He was found to be illegally paying the players or something.And then they like, they just weren't allowed to play in the playoffs.And now they folded and now there's no team in Austin.

And that's a single owner.I'm there.See, that's what happened.I was retiring.Am I getting this right?You need the checks and balances of an organization.

You know who else has a single owner?Germany.

True.You want a strong man. I think you're just missing Vince McMahon.I think that's what it is.Vince.I think he's projecting his Vince loss onto the Sixers.

How'd you feel about mania?

Oh yeah.Brother.I'm kind of glad it didn't go.

Really?What about Cody Rhodes?

Cody one.That was nice.

Yeah.

It was cool.But celeb mania dude.There was a lot of slips.

Also, Cody Rhodes kind of like weekend data.He's like, come on, buddy.We'll go to WrestleMania.He did.He did.Cody Rhodes never reached back.

Big promises.LaMare, LaMare had his bags packed.Be like, daddy's coming to get me soon.Never came.

That's how the tree went down.I didn't even want to go to Wrestlemania, it wasn't even a good one.He didn't say anything and then like the day before he was like, Shane can you ask Cody Rhodes if I can go to Wrestlemania?I was like, no dude.

He has to fly me to Wrestlemania.

How to get to Vegas for like 150 bucks on like planes.

Yeah, it's cheap as hell, dude.

That's.Well, yeah.

No, Vegas is like notoriously cheaper, right?Because they like are incentivized.

Direct flex for like $800.Oh, for mania workarounds.Yeah, I was talking about a connecting flight.He's talking about a connecting flight.I was going to take a flight to Burbank and get off in Vegas because there's stops in Vegas.

Dude, that used to be on your personal road to WrestleMania where you just got metaglasses and just like film the whole journey of like, I'm going to get in here one way or the other.What do you mean get off?I thought a bus wasn't going to be playing.

What do you mean get off at a different stop?No, I got it.That's smart.You mean a connecting flight?No, but you get the connecting flight to another location and you get off in the middle.

Yeah.Whoa.Don't get back on at the next flight.

Okay.It's very sneaky.So you just get off and you're out.

Yeah.I'm like, I'm in Vegas.This is where I want to go.

Smart.

Yeah.

I didn't even know that was possible.They tried to hold me and Nate had to do that.We're, we flew when we got rerouted and ended up in Cleveland and there we had to go to Cincinnati or one or the other.And then we like landed in the place where we could just drive and be there.And the lady was like, you guys can't get off the plane.And I was like, I'm getting off the plane.

I have a car rent and she's like, it's not safe.And I was like, I don't feel safe right now on this plane.I got to go.I was telling Nate, I was like, bro, I'm about to fake a heart attack.You're going to have to do it.You're going to have to do it too.

So I was going to be like, Oh, Nate would be like, Oh, me too.We got to go.Yeah.The pilot was chill.He was like, yeah, they can get off, man.Just let them off.

I didn't tell you about this.Some guy tried to like flight big dick.And he's like, dude, I fly like 300 times a year.This is not a big deal.I was like, I'd say it's a big deal.I gotta, I just have to leave this plane.

Get the fuck out of my face, dude.Trust me, brother.This is nothing.All right, man.Fuck out of here.Cut.

I was like, I just have to go because if I went back to Chicago and then gotstuck there, I would have like missed the show.Yeah.It's like, this is not a big deal.Okay.It's cool, man.

Yeah.Who are you?Shut up.Stay out of it.

Get out of here.

But yeah, it was nice.But yeah, I was, uh, I was worried.Cause I also thought too, I was like, yeah, who cares if I just like disobey the stewardess, I'll get, I'll get, I won't be able to fly United.I don't even like you so much.

I don't like myself.I could see myself doing that.What?That awful behavior of sitting next to somebody and being like, I take a lot of flights, this is nothing.I could catch myself in a moment of being a giant douche.Why do you think you would do that?

Someone next to me, I don't think I would.

Yeah.Well.I'm saying I'm capable of that.That would be something I would regret.

Yeah.Yeah.

But I could be like, I fly all the time.

I say I'll catch myself saying it at like the airport where I'll just be the same thing.Like, yeah, I actually, I fly a good amount, but I would never interjecting in a person trying to gain freedom from the air airline to be like, dude, you just got to stay here.It's like, well, dude, I'm not going to a fucking corporate banquet where I can just not show up.

I would think to myself, this guy must be freaking out.If at the connecting flight, he's just like, you know what?I'll get out here and I'll drive.Yeah.You're fine.

That's how all the airports are built is to turn us against one another.So we don't unify and rise up.I've thought about this a lot as to why that, why are airports the uniquely, there's not like a nice traditionally designed airport.They're all cold angles and glass and judgment.split you up, make you feel atomized, so that when there's a delay or whatever, you don't, you know, you don't unify, you don't band together, they want you turning.

Sorry, while you're talking, the fucking wren flew right back into the box.I'm very impassioned about airport design.

I heard, I heard a theory that they're actually - This is my house, looks like New LaGuardia.I heard a theory they're thin zones, where it's like people are dislocated from like time, you don't know, like you're different, like - Like a casino.Well, they were talking more like it's almost like a dream space where you're kind of like no one knows like you're in a different place.You don't know what's going on.

to go or not the time zones are all scattered so kind of fuck people that's why people freak out what's that music that I can't figure out what that music is that plays when they play a liminal space on a real it's been stuck in my head for days you know what I'm talking about it's like Donkey Kong music yeah like underwater Donkey Kong music it makes me every time it pops up on the real I I don't even know I don't even look at the the meme I just feel sad I've been watching people get kicked off.

The Midwest safety is taking over my algorithm.How good is my algorithm?

Just long body cam videos.It's great, dude.Great narration.The guy breaks down the story.

Yep.The officer recap.I like the officer.He's a Philly.He was a Philly officer, by the way.Was he Philly?

Yeah.He recaps like this is what happens there.It's very common.I'm, I'm, I'm so ready to now for civilian disturbances.I was in a, I was in Phoenix recently and I saw this homeless lady, you know, she like went and met up with her like homeless boyfriend and they were sitting outside a pizza place eating.And at one point the guy was like, that's fucking bullshit.

And I was like, I might have to intervene right now.And I looked over and the lady just went, why are you looking at?And I was like, whoa, what the hell?

You should have said, I've been watching a lot of Midwest safety.Just so you know.

I will call the cops right now.

Pull the trigger.So if you move quickly at all, 15 shots into your fucking car.

There was one, it was sad, but there was a guy who was pretending to work on a house and he was just, I think he was probably just like stealing the pipes or whatever.So the cops, like, he's like, nah, he's like, I'm working here, guy.And he kept, it was, he was like lying, but he was pretty, he was like, it seemed like he was smooth with it in his head, but he was also like, he would say the same thing over and over again.Place is a shithole you guys got to see.He kept trying to do like contractor talk and they're like, so what are you, what are you doing in here?And he's like, plumbing job, don't pump job drywall company.

And they'd be like, okay.And you know, and eventually he's like, the lady said you didn't get hired.And he was just like, I got a gun.He ran inside.

He just ran inside and he did suicide by cop.

It was sad.He had shot him in the head.

It's really, Oh, it's pretty

it's like cops, but like on HBO cops, basically kill them.And then the cops come, they're like, Oh, he shot him.There's that.You get to see him talk shop and they're sitting there and they're like, cause he did like brandish what looked like a weapon at them.And, um, the one cop rolled up, he goes, yo, I knew that guy guy.He was a boxer, man.

You, you would have fucked you up, dude.If you guys had a phone, I got knocked people to fuck sucked at Jiu Jitsu.Terrible fight was Over his body.He's like badass boxer though, man.This guy was great.And then we got to get him out of here.

He's dead.

There's so many good ones.

There's one.

I mean, it's obviously really sad because it's a guy with like PTSD, clearly like a meth roid rage type thing.But he's on the bottom floor of this like apartment complex.So his windows go out into like the courtyard part.But they're like, while they're approaching, they're like, we, we got a disturbance.And then he just, they look into the room and you see him in the corner, like naked, just like stand up and he's gigantic.He's like, ah, and he comes through the window to fight all the cops.

And he's so big.They're like, please stop, stop, stop, dude.

He's like, which one of you want to fucking die tonight?He like chases them all.Did they kill this man?Uh, fuck.

Is that all those videos?It's not all.Not all.They try and get suicided.

No, not all.Some were hilarious.

Oh, good.

Yeah.

Yeah.There's some of them are really fun.

There's this drunk.There's like a tall white dude.He got, he like his, he had like a fighting with his girlfriend.So he was at like a work, like a convention kind of thing where he's supposed to like stand at a table and hand out information.He ditched it, got hammered in like a strip mall, uh, restaurant.It comes outside.

They like kick him out.He's just outside with the cops and they're like talking to him and out of nowhere, he would just go.I got that good cushion alcohol.Was this me?

Sounds like my weekend.It was so funny.I don't know what else.

like, they're like calling Uber.He's like, I will.And he was like, play Spotify and be like, play young.

It was serious.He was the funniest dude, bro.What happened there?

He just would hit on the lady cop the whole time.The guys would talk to me, yo, tell them to stop talking to me. I only want to talk to you.And he'd be like, yo, you're so, I love you so much, dude.He was so, and then they taste him and he was like, ah, he fell down.He fell down.He got up and he goes, Yo, thanks for doing that.

I kind of liked that.Do it again.They're like, dude, stop.Get out of here.His boss comes and picks him up and he's like, you fucking asshole.Get in the car.

That was a, they did every once in a while.They have a fun one like that.Yeah, it was shad.

Yeah.

That was Midwest safety.Yeah.It was a Midwest safety classic name.Shad.There's also, there was one guy who barricaded himself in his house.Those are always good.

No one ended bad.He got, I think he got shot.Yeah.He put up a fucking fight and the cops are always so excited to break out.They're like, Why do we have this military tank, this fucking giant bearcat SWAT vehicle, just to put a fucking battering ram on the front of it, break down some guy's shitty front door.He's in there throwing fucking kitchen knives out.

They gassed him out for like four hours.They're like, the sun's going down.We have to go in.I don't know how he's still in there.He's just creating barricades in the house.Eventually he pulled out a gun and they killed him.

They'll get him.But he was throwing a lot of stuff for a while, which was throwing knives as well.They try to throw a fucking gas canister and they'd see him throw it right back out there.How do you guys feel in these things?

I like when the dude slipped the handcuffs can of corn.Women slip the handcuffs a lot.

Yeah.

There was a lady who slipped the handcuffs and stole a cop car and jumped in the front and just fucking beeline it and just drove 80 miles an hour.And then she like pulled off into the woods and luckily slowed down and just whacked an old stone wall.You see the inside cam.She's like.

Yeah, I mean it is really horrific.

It's Midwest.It's my whole algorithm now.It's justdash and then there's the other ones that like to get pretty wicked man.

Yeah, you're like now I'm staying Midway Check that bottom where it says Midwest safety.

Yeah, I always do there's some of them where I'm just like, yeah, cuz at least they blur out the Carnage, yeah, it's true Midwest safety.I saw one where a guy it wasn't Midwest watching the mass shootings No, I steer clear.I try to keep those ones really fucking bad.Those ones are sad.I steer clear.I saw one that was pretty fucked up on it.

It was like a different thing, but it was a guy who had worked in a, I guess like a, some sort of care unit for like the developmentally disabled.And there was a lady who, I forget what she had, but she was like basically a vegetable.She couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything.And he impregnated her.So they're just like doing a routine thing.And they're like, Dude, she's pregnant.

And they're like, what the fuck?So they had to do like an investigative thing to figure out like who was with her.It's a miracle.Dude, the guy was just as young kid.He was a boxer.So then they like interviewed him.

He's like, no, I never got to spend alone time, blah, blah, blah.And then everyone else they interviewed was like, check with this guy.He's fucking weird.

Definitely fucked him.

Dude, he did.And well, so they did a paternity test, but they were like, they showed footage of him and he would be around, or I think they talked about it.He would walk around all the influence.

He would stand over them and just be like, You're just shadowboxing them the whole time.

And then, yeah, when they revealed the paternity test, they told him, like, well, you're actually, you are the father.And they just had the camera on him still, and he goes, fuck!

Oh, dude, fuck.

Jesus, please help me.Please.I'll do anything.He's like, I'll be poor my rest of my life.I don't care.

Dude, you're going to jail for like three years.You're going to be poor.You're going to be poor the rest of your life.You fucked a vegetable lady.

Yeah.Yeah.

Yeah, it's really sad.So what is this channel?Dude, it's Midwest safety.That's not Midwest safety.

No, that was, that's like you'll, if you start with Midwest safety, that doesn't sound like a Midwest safety.That is not a Midwest safety episode.Sounds like a Maury Povich.

Sounds like a dream.

Well, dude, here's the thing.part of Midwest safety.Cause they arrest women.There's a lot of female arrests and there's an undeniably erotic component to the whole thing where it's like a lady in yoga pants.And it'll be sad.It'll be like, She's drunk behind the wheel.

Her one year old is like trapped underneath the car seat and they like pull the kid out and she's just like, give me my fucking baby right now.They have to like wrestle her to the ground.It's just like, it's hot.You're saying there's an erotic.I think there's an undeniable.That one wasn't very erotic, but there'll be ones where they like wrestle a lady down into like a hotel bed while her boyfriend's getting like beat up.

And I'm like, this is kind of kink.This is, yeah.Just kind of kink we yeah, it's not mine, but i'm like it's you can see where it comes from Yeah, there's a big strong guy coming and beating your ass beating your girlfriend's ass They leave but your boyfriend the whole time is like he's raping me Dude, there's one guy.He wouldn't stop he's raping me It's quality.It was great.It's so funny.

It's quality stuff.Sorry.This is my last one with the, the one where I understand your joy from it.I'm so happy.

You found me.

Oh, it's all I watch on the plane now.

It's the best dude.

He goes, download them for the flight.Let's see what happened then.This is just the best scenario ever.Cause there's two people on a work trip.It's the wife's work trip.The husband's just there gets hammered at the bar.

And it was like, I guess he was like a quarter native American.which comes into play later.And he, uh, so the woman just gets woken up to officers just being like, wake up.And she's like, she's also a drunk snake.And the husband's like, some guy started with me, babe.I stood up for myself.

Don't worry about it.You're just fighting people.This is over like saying like, this is my land.You stole it from me.And they're like, shut up.And he's like, Oh yeah.

So then, Oh damn.He tried to reclaim his land.He tried to reclaim like a holiday.So then a bunch of hockey dads, dude, they're like, yeah, exactly.You guys on a travel team getting wasted, shut up.And then he, so he's like, I'll stand up for myself.

Never stop standingup for myself.And he kept trying to step to the cops.They tased him.He must've got hit with the native American algorithm.

I do.I think so.I've seen a lot of those.

Those are my favorites.Just modern day native Americans.Like you're on stolen land.Never forget that.And then they do a fucking ceremonial dance.Every comment's like, fuck you, pussy scoreboard.

You lost it.You're at home court advantage and lost bitch.Fuck you.Scoreboard.

I don't know if what I'm about to say is true, but it's what I just found out about Oklahoma.

Why?

Cities, there are rules about sex offenders that they can't live like a certain distance from a school or other type things.So what they do in the cities is they organize, they space the schools and the other places that sex offenders can't go near.So the sex offenders can't stay anywhere.They do a full city plan to like block it.Do you know what I'm saying?Like it's created force field around it.

But then, The pedophiles have to live in a little satellite town.It's like a town full of sex offenders.And that's where they go and stay, because they can't all stay in one building.Two at maximum.So there are like these little satellite pedophile communities.

Wait, pedophiles can't - Just on the outside.Pedophiles can't, there can't be more than two pedophiles in a - I know, apparently there has to be.We're there, we got one more guest and we're fucked.

Apparently they max out at two pedophiles in the building.That's why you can only have one guy at a time.

That's why he's like, I'm having a big barbecue party, but just one of my pedophile buddies.You and Dorian.They're having a courtship.

They both have their parole officers next to them.Succulent hawk.Well, it's also every city.I feel like the cities in Oklahoma are all surrounded by reservations, like the Indian reservations too.So it's like you got the res, you got the city, and then it's pedophile.

Pedophile satellite town.

Trailer park.

What's that?Just middle earth for the pedophiles.Oh dude, pedophile park is pervert park.

Pervert park.

In Florida.That is a sad document.Remember when you get really sad, watch pervert park.Pedophile trailer park.Pedophile trailer park.

park Florida drives by throws bottles at it And then they then you talk they interview the pedophiles who have all obviously had the worst.Yeah, except for one guy Yeah, there was one original vampire one original vampire.

Yeah, the rest of them tell you their life story You're like fuck these better you see bottles flying over at him like good and then you like to hear their story You're like, oh, that's fucking really bad.Then there was one guy who was like I just got fucking horny, man. I drove to Mexico and tried to take a kid, and yeah, they beat my ass and I drove away, but I got arrested on the border.

They beat my ass and I drove away.

What the fuck?Who used to fry that guy?He's like, I was just jammed up, man. I just figured I could take a kid from Mexico.

It was a stressful day, so I went to Mexico to get a job.

It was just fucking horned up.Yeah, look, we've all had...Yeah, it's real, but the documentary is just a lady who's a pedophile, and it's just like, yeah, I was like...I was fucking my dad.She would like fuck her dad on and off as an adult.It was, yeah, it's a perfect park.

I tapped out.They couldn't get a solid thing going?They just, she was on again, off again.

Yeah, well, I think she'd been obviously vampire bitten early in life, and then she was just like, yeah.This is a new expression.She'd like break up with her boyfriend and just move back in with her dad.It's like vampires and you get gone.Yeah, for sure.Yeah.

Pretty much, dude.Pretty much.All of them, for the most part, have been gone.Yeah, molested his kids.You gotta break the cycle.Yeah, just don't molest kids.

Yeah.

Well, chemical castration.

Yeah.Castrate the...I think that's fair.Chemical cast.

Where were you guys getting all these fucking Oklahoma facts?What the fuck's going on here?

We've actually been studying Oklahoma very closely.While Shane's gone, we're going to master Oklahoma pedophile law.

Damn, so it's leagues wide.The panhandle's so small in Oklahoma.It's for a little penis.What is chemical?

Is it just to sever your desire?Does it like fuck your gens up?Like what is it?

It makes me unhappy to think about.I only thought about it because I watched the begonia movie and at the start they chemically castrate each other and from that point on I was against it.the movie.Really?Do you know the movie I'm talking about?I watched it on the flight.

He was very good as maybe a pedophile cop.It sort of hinted at that he might be a pedophile, but then they...

Oh, you know, I think they make it pretty clear he like molested the main guy.He says, I'm sorry I did that to you.I never did it to another kid.Yeah.

Okay.Anyway, he's very good.You know, it upset me.

The whole film upset me.Yeah.Pedophile stuff.At least they're not glorifying it.Chemical castration is, I think that's a fair route for the pedophile, you know, but then it's like, what the hell do you do with him?What do you, what do you like?

That'd be a good coming of age tale.Pedophile, chemically castrated, has to find himself.Get on the straight and narrow.Call up his friends, barbecue one -on -one.Yeah.Cause what do you do after that?

You're a pedophile.You've been shamed.Yeah.Now you're like altered physiologically where you can't do that.You'll never do that thing ever, I would imagine.Then it's like, what do you do?

You gotta just boss up in a fast food chain somewhere.The glow up would be crazy.The comeback.

Nobel Prize.You go to college, study hard.Yeah.Learn how science works.

I mean...You invent AI.You're completely undistracted.You can finally fuck.Just raking your mom's leaves very efficiently forever.

Become a curling champion.Yeah.

I mean, that's gotta be crazy, because that's where they go.They go, usually they live with their mom.You get a pedophile, you bust it, back to mom.

Yeah.

Then your mom dies.Now you're a lone pedophile.It's gotta be a minute, just you or the computer, you're like, let me just look.Yeah.Let me just get a glimpse.

For old time's sake.

Cops come immediately.Yeah, that'd be bad.

Good stuff.Yeah, chemical cast, fair.I've chemically cast a couple of times.

Yo, with the BLs?

Too many BLs, you go, God damn it.Nothing's working.

You're running Oklahoma drills on yourself.That's tricky though.Cause if you don't chemically castrate yourself enough, now you're a super predator.Dang man.But yeah, that's a, that's good stuff.

I didn't know they have, they set it up to where I don't know what the other buildings are that they could do this.My friend who made my shirts, who came down from Oklahoma.He went out for breakfast this morning.

Not a piece of information that he knows?

Well, his wife works in, there was a word they used that wasn't halfway house, that was a halfway house.

Like a recovery house?

Yeah, but that's where I heard about it.And she'd heard about it.I don't know, again, I don't know how true it is.

Pedophile recovery house.

It feels crazy.Well, they do lump though.

They lump.Pedophile recovery house is nuts, dude.You're all in the circle, just being like, pretty normal day, pretty chill.Pretty normal, yeah.Saw the boss the other day.

That's a new reality show they're doing.They get 10 of them in there, and if they do fuck a child, they have to be removed from the house.And the last one wins.They win a trip to Thailand.The last one wins.Free holiday to Thailand.

No questions asked.All right?This is my idea for a show.

It's not a bad show.You hold off on the big reveal on the prize, because that could turn viewers off.Because you're invested.You're like, I'm really rooting for this guy.And you're like, all right, here.

I got other ideas for shows.

I think Russell Brand just got in trouble.

Yeah.I think he kind of did that to himself on that one.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, obviously.Normally, he's like fucking, you know.government's coming up with bullshit.Try to fuck me on this.And he goes, I fucked a 16 year old.What the fuck a while back snitches.

There was allegations against him a while back that he had fully been like, this is a deep state obviously.And then I think, I think the probably just grew too hard.He's like, well, yeah, there was that one time he was,within his legal right.That's the whole thing.

The British were different about it, you know, until quite recently.

And yeah, back then, you could just have sex with 16 -year -olds in England.You still can, I think.Still can, yeah.Shouldn't.Shouldn't, not at all.Frowned upon.

Very frowned upon.Not mine.It's not mine?Is it yours?

It looks like it's yours.You need to produce yourself, dude.Russell branded.We've got it.We've got to pause anyway.Yeah.

I'll be right back.This episode is brought to you by prize picks a preferred partner of the NBA.The regular season is wrapped and the NBA playoffs are finally here and there's no better way to cash in on the high flying hoops action than prize picks America's number one sports pick app.Every bucket, every dime, and every win means more when you're playing on prize picks.So don't pass up your next shot with prize picks and get $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5.Matt, I would love for you to riff on, I don't know, what is the official team?

Sixers, it's gotta be Sixers.Sixers, obviously.

Yeah, it's the Sixers.I'm going more maxi, more points.

Yeah, I like that.

Yeah, what the heck.Guy's an animal.That's great.Guys, PrizePicks is simple to play.Just pick more or less on two to six player stat projections.If you get your picks right, you could cash in.

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All right, here we go, guys.Does anyone want to go first, by the way?I don't want to take out.Go ahead, Lamar.Get in there.

Hey, everybody.I'm going to be in Florida May 5th, May 6th, May 7th, May 8th, May 9th, and I'll be back home.But also on May 5th, there's an optimal knock at the creek and the cave, so please check that out.We'll merrily have fun in everywhere else.All right.Thank you.

Always.

May 16th is all I got right now.Toronto will be nice, but I believe it's full.

May 16th.Wait, are you in Toronto on May 15th?May 15th, yeah.What's up?It's a good time to be in the six.

Is it really?What, in May?

May 15th.Why, I'm in there May 15th.It's the new Drake release.

What?Are you going to be there May 15th?The city's going to be going nuts.Yo, man, that's going to be awesome.Well, hell yeah, dude.We all look forward to that.

And guys, The next day, there are some tickets left for the Riviera Theater in Chicago, Illinois.And yeah, that's May.We got time, but I'll be honest, that one, I wouldn't lie to you, that one's gonna sell out.So come celebrate the end of this part of the tour in Chicago, May 16th.That's it.

May 4th, I'm at the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles.May 7th, there's still tickets available for the May 7th Thursday show at TD Garden in Boston.And then that's it.Obviously, July 17th, come watch me have a heart attack in front of the entire city of Philadelphia.Fuck it.

Albuquerque, Phoenix, San Diego, Los Angeles, Seattle, Portland, Chicago, New York, Boston, Pittsburgh, Orlando, Naples and Tampa and San Francisco.I'm coming to you this month.It's going to be a big month.Yeah.JDFMcCann .com.

Organ Hour out now.James Donald Ford's McCann catamaran plan.

Oh, yeah.

BigBig times.

Yeah.Get in there, Sean.Hello everybody.I'll be in front of the fucking camera and don't do this cute bullshit.Just fucking do it.Hello everybody.

I was at now dude.

I'll be in Springfield, Missouri, uh, Tulsa, Oklahoma and Oklahoma city in Cincinnati, Ohio in the month of May.Please.

Oh my God.Sean Gardini .

com.Why are you so mad at me?

I'm not.

I'm joking.Oh, Oh, I got a, I got a funny one.Nice.Sean's demise.They fought a guy attacked you.We were doing, we did the celebrity, we did the celebrity theater in Phoenix and Sean's wrapping up, you know, we're in the round.

It was, it was truly just all of our skills.It's fucking sick.It's harder than I thought.I was all cocky.I was like done the round for fucking 20 ,000 with Shane.Just unleash me, dude.

I went up there.I was like, cause Sean was just up there.They stood pretty still the entire time.And I'm like, man, he's not moving.What the fuck?That's kind of weird.

And as he started like moving around towards the middle and uh, He's doing his closer and as he's like almost done, some guy just goes, fag.

It was from behind me too.From behind too.That was like JFK, he just blew my brains out.

And he was up high as a grassy knoll.It was up high.Yeah, it sucks even more.Dude, it was really loud from up, yeah.He got him.Sean got revenge for sure.

But it was, then I walked out there, I'm like, He was like so tight.I'd walk up as soon as I stood up there.

I was like, oh Jesus Christ This is kind of difficult and it was it was fun, but it was a lot harder Yeah, the first time I ever did that I was opening with Burt and I literally just Rotated in a circle to my left and I looked down the cord was around my feet, dude That's the thing that gave you a corded mic.

So a whole time I was like trying to it was fun But I was like god damn that was I kept slipping into like I felt like I was like at one point II kept late to myself I'd be like just felt like Christopher Titus kind of I had to be very like in another thing like you like doubt yourself at all and you feel like you I would just fall apart so I had to just be like Yeah, I had to be the ultimate performer.I kept laughing myself.I was like did you the ultimate showman?

Because you couldn't you can't like yes, I don't know man who's struggling with that just in general like you got to actually start taking yourself seriously enough to be a performer.Like these dudes helping me with the roast, writing the roast, like Mullen is like, you gotta like, you're capable of this.Like do this the right way.You don't have to do the whole like disconnected, awkward.Like you can do this.And I'm like, all right, yeah, I got it.

No chance.I'm going to go up there and be like, dude, I didn't write these jokes.It's fucking weird.This one's funny though.

This is a blah, blah, blah.No, you did.I thought you did good at the ESPYs.I thought that was a very, it was a very clean.Yeah, but I was still like.

You shouldn't have to give up the, I mean, it's like going to Dean Martin and going, what if you didn't have so many drinks before you went out that night?Exactly.

I don't think you need to switch it up.Dean, you don't need to be driving.I know what you mean though, because when you're on, there is a thing though, you're on camera and they're like, yeah, it was, I felt a similar pressure where it's just kind of just for some reason, and be in the round and really, I couldn't be like, fuck man, I don't know.I'd had to turn around and be like, here's another thing I'm thinking about that I, I totally believe in as a grit.

And the whole time I had, I'm like, this sucks.

You're retarded.And I'm like, no, be quiet.We're in the round tightest mode right now.It's time.

I don't know.I just sits on a chair and goes 60 % of you won't be looking at me. I would have a fucking panic attack, dude.I still believe in the Lazy Susan.I think that would be good.I think the show, I think you should stand still and the stage should slowly revolve.

That stage does revolve, but it didn't, it wasn't on for mine.It does for bands, yeah.That'd be so sick, dude.That's the one thing too, when I was in there, I was like, I just want to play music so bad.I wish I could just play music in this place.It'd be awesome.

Yeah, music would be awesome.much better.

I got to go on stage at Zach Ryan's and sing a song.That's awesome.Saying lawyers, guns, and money.How awesome would that feel?It was fucking sick.Yeah.

That shit rules.

It was awesome.Best for the whole time.When you're like doing that, you're, you're just the whole time.Like, this is awesome.Just hitting people with like dumb ideas about like vaginas are weird.You guys cool over there?

All right, everyone on board, let's go.

I'm a professional.Especially in the round, when you turn around, you realize everyone's kind of checked out a little.Yep.Like when you turn back around, that's when people get, it's funny cause they're being polite, I guess.Cause they don't get up to go to the bathroom when you're facing them.Yeah.

So like I'll turn around and people will be like.

Teacher There was one kid back down There was one kid who every time I would turn his direction He would be like he was completely spread out and I was just like every time I look at him like fucking punk God damn it.Then he laughed really hard at one thing.I was like, oh god.I got him.He's cool He's cool.

Yeah, I think that's great round is nice though when people are yelling Yeah, there was somebody yells, I go, all right, fuck that corner.I'm going back punished.Yep.Now you're on time.

That was the other thing too.They were, it was the rowdiest crowd I'd had in a long to the whole time.They just be like, ah, ah, ah.And it was just like, you get, this is not the place for this guys.Behave yourselves, please.But it was, it was very fun.

I had a good time, but I really, I was like, dude, that was, it was difficult.It was so hard.It was like genuinely difficult.I was, you know, So I, my XP points, I got four XP points.I got done.I was like, all right, I got, I leveled up for sure.

Nice.And then I went to Tucson.It always happens to me. I'm like, I'm going to Tucson right after this or I'm about to crush.It literally had a panic attack on stage.I had to just completely just kind of sub quell within myself.Like, yeah, dude, I don't know, man. I told you guys I'm married.

I'm like, fuck dude.It's, it happens like every 10th time.I'll have a point where I'm like seven minutes in and I go like, would it be weird if I took a break for five minutes and came back?And I'm like, yes, extremely.Knock this off right now.And then it just goes away and it's always a huge relief.

I'm like, all right, cool.Just completely absorbed in whatever that is.

A break would be nuts, but while you're up there, it feels so good.Let's go fellas.I'll be right back.

Everybody 10 minutes.Grab a drink.I'm gonna go take deep breaths.I'm gonna box breathing outside.I'll be right back, and I definitely am not coming back.

You're never gonna get me back on stage.I'm getting in a car, right?

I might work it as a bit and just be like, I was fucking around with my old panic attack bit.I'm back.I stayed around last night.You guys just saw me. I was like Titus out there.It's crazy.

Yeah, it could be a fun way to end the show.Take a quick intermission.I'll be right back and just sprint.sprint out of the, sprint right out.

You're building in.You're building in.You say goodnight early when you want to go.And then because not enough show has happened, that's where you get your standing ovation.That's where you get your little break.And then you get your encore.

You get your encore, finally.

Yeah, but I'm like nine minutes in.

No, that means that you're really going to get that encore.You're going to build eight or nine encores into the show.

You just keep getting to go off, have a think about it, and come back.That's nice.But guys, that's it for me.Thank you.All right, I'll come back.

You know, it would not work in comedy.No, well, you got to train the audience.People got to learn.They would never give him the round of applause.There would never be an encore.

So everyone would just start.They would write.If I did 10 minutes.

You got to get the word out.You got to get the word out that it's going to be encore time.All right.People have to know it's like the opera.You know, there's going to be a symphony.You got, you got to teach the audience to encore.

True.True.It's not fair that we don't get the encore.No, when I'm done, I'm so happy.

after 15 minutes going back out with another, it's my plan.That'd be nice.You could do it a little, you could do a little encore, but man, it's been, I don't know what that does to my body when I just, when I'm like having, and it's just the physical symptoms, I'll be like, Oh, what the fuck is that?And I go, Oh, great.I know what that is.And I go, anyway, guys, and I'm going, I'm going to fucking pass out.

This isn't good.This isn't good.And I just go, no.And then my body just slowly comes back.And I'm like, that is some kind of cancer.

You were wearing the ring that was telling how you would like the, what's it called?The physical ring, the aura ring.But then I said, how, what's it like when you're on stage?And you said, I take it off.I don't want to know.Well, you know what I wore?

You know what's weird?

I wore it one time.I did it for a whole hour.I was curious.I was like, I wonder what my body's up to.You know what's funny?It started out like the highest stress possible, and by the end, I'm at like completely restored and peaceful.

It's really because I'm like so probably relieved.You're in the pocket.Once I get the first 15 minutes, I'm good.

Yeah.

But if I start, like if something happens in that first 15 minutes, or I'll go like, dude, I think you skipped a giant chunk of material.And I go, What is it?

I don't know.

I don't remember it, but I know I did.You're going to finish with like, you're going to be done with like 27 minutes left and you're gonna be fucked.And I'm like, no, I'm not.Stop.Come on.Can I take a break?

I wish I had that heart monitor for that shot or the, uh, Chicago Friday night with the audio.Yeah.You'd have seen spikes, cortisol spikes through the roof, dude.Anytime there was reverb, I was just like, what the, how could this be happening?

Yeah, that was, you did this.That's, fucking brutal because then you're like, well, maybe it doesn't sound so bad in the crowd.That was the other thing up on stage.All you could hear is there's speakers all around you.So it's just your voice echoing in your head.And you're just like, please make that stop, please.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard anyone say.

And it's me and it's coming around from 360 degrees.Stop.

Yeah, that happens.But yeah, that's, I was, I was happy to champ that.And every time I walk in cocky, I go like, it was so funny walking up and being like, These guys have no idea, I'm a veteran of the round." And I just walked up and was like, oh shit, this is crazy, fuck, what the fuck, dude?Fuck, man.And I would start a joke here and end it over here, and I'm like,

fuck, you guys probably weren't paying attention to the first part.Shit.

That, uh, that happens.

It just takes you back to the first.It's the equivalent of, man, these lights are bright up here.This microphone's pretty loud.That's like the first time I had sex.It's very unnatural.

And it gets me every time.

But these, these bros were at the show in Nashville and they're like, how do you like, do you get nervous?Do you, how do you go out there?And I was like, I literally, I can't think about it.If I take one, before the show, if I'm in the green room at all, and I'm like, fuck, there's 20 ,000 people and I'm just going to have to stand there.And the entire night depends on if I do good or I just wasted all these people's time and money.It's the most people ever that anybody's done this.

And I'm just going to stand there by myself.

I mean, you've literally affected traffic patterns in the city.Like the city has been altered.The whole economy of the city, like the local bars.He's gonna be yeah, that's gonna be wild when I open for you I don't it's cuz I whenever if I'm doing something for someone else typically.It's just like there's not even room Yeah, cuz I'm like this great.I can't fuck this up, but it's for myself.

I'm like no no dude this sucks Yeah, it's a that's gonna be fun.

Thankfully the roast is there to break up the yeah, I could text true So I'll be focused on freaking out about that.We panicking about months.Yeah, that's that's a nice reprieve Look, the link's gonna be sick.That will be tight.The link is gonna be sick, but every single person in Philly...If I go to...

Like, I was in Philly last year.Every single person's like, I'll see you in July, dude.It's gonna be...I'm like, fuck.Is this the football stadium gig that you're doing?

Yeah.What is the capacity?

It'll be like...A hundred thousand?No, it'll be close to 80.It'll be the all -time record at the stadium.Because it's the round as well.Yeah, obviously.

Yeah.

For any event.Hopefully.

Hopefully it goes well.You'll have a great time.

Yeah, it sounds like it's going to suck.

Sounds like a good way to ruin every day in the lead up to that gig.Yeah.

Yeah.Every day until July 17th, I'll be staring at those Wrens.True.Now that's nice.

Those guys dear God make me a bird and take me far far away You know what I was thinking about today I saw I saw I guess it's a crow one of those birds at the airport that just fucking scream at you Oh, those are like Austin Crackles dude.I love heads.

They are funny.

I fucking love dude.I was we was dry I had to go to like PTA meetings this morning, so we're like driving on the highway It's all a crackle just chilling on like we're like this homeless guy usually chills And I saw he like he became a cracker.I think he did.He floated down this thing like floated down so lightly and landed on this little like metal thing on the highway or like where you get off on the off ramp and it was just like picking crumbs out of cigarette butts.And I was like, How crazy to be a bird, just be flying like this celestial being and then you have to just land a fucking wicked earth and you're just like picking crumbs out of shit, then you fly again beautifully.

I saw, as soon as I landed in Austin, I saw two of them bathing in a puddle on the road.It was disgusting.Just dirt water.

Dude, moments ago they were soaring majestically.

There's nothing majestic about those birds.Those things blow, dude.They are some of the shittiest birds.

I love them so much.

They're funny.They are really funny.But they just scream.They have no fear of people.They're just like mean pigeons.

Yeah.We got a new bird in Australia called the noisy Indian miner.And they're an invasive species from India.And there are these loud Indian birds that everyone goes, you got to kill them.But we don't have guns and we don't have BB guns.So you've got to find creative ways.

You guys can't have BB guns?

No, you can't have a BB gun.But this is the, all the bird people used to work for a bird company.bird charity and everything's like, we love birds, we've got to protect birds.And then they'd be like, the Indian bird, fucking kill that bird.If you find that bird, you kill that bird.

You guys don't even know, you guys aren't even allowed to have BB guns?

No, there's no freedom.

What, does the government say you're going to shoot your eye out?

The government says it's going to get larger.I want a red rod, a BB gun.No.That's one of the many problems for a canner.

So what's the Indian bird?No way.You guys are not allowed to have BB guns.What about the outback?

You live in the fucking outback.

I've never seen a BB gun in Australia.Okay, wait, you've never said I don't believe we're allowed to have them.You must not be because if you were allowed every I feel like yeah Yeah, that's actually probably a good rule Australians should not all that white trash DNA babies.That's crazy, dude Dude, there's nothing better than your older cousin being like dude Check this shit out I'm so scared.I Don't even want to hold that.I'm too scared.

I remember someone I remember that action.

I Are they allowed to have them?

They have to be allowed to have toy guns.

They're not this, it says they're just highly regulated and classified as firearms.I got my BB permit.You gotta have a license for a BB gun.That's what it seems like, yeah.You need a proper license and registration.What?

Or else it's a criminal offense.

How are the bin chickens doing?I like those guys.We like those.So big, yeah.Taurus taking pictures of them.We look like fucking morons.

There was a Vietnamese guy who was killing them.

Yeah, I knew we were gonna, yeah.Do you know this story?No.

Oh, this was a story on the news a while ago in Sydney where a guy was like killing them and eating them and he got in trouble and he was like a Vietnamese guy and he was going, you're allowed to do it back home.And then later on the news story they're like, I did it back home in the state north of the in Queensland.You're allowed to do it.Everyone thought he meant Vietnam.Vietnamese man just killing street birds, but he meant Queensland.Anyway, I was in Queensland.

Apparently you can eat them.Yeah, that's nice.They're big.What are these Indian birds do?They just squawk and they they're invasive.They push the other birds out and they work in groups.

There's about 15 of them bullying.our sweet native local birds.Damn.It's really funny.You know, just a big gang of the Indian mothers will swoop down on a beautiful, lonely Australian bird, you know, on a bus or something.Dang, that's crazy.

It's not right.

I was just listening to it make bird sounds for like two minutes.It just sounds like a regular bird.Like the Indian bird?

Yeah.

It just sounds like a regular bird.I think this is a...

How versed are you on...

You're pro, you're pro.I love bird noises, dude.

They get rid of that big...We got big, beautiful, strange birds that they're driving out.You have some wild shit down there.We got cockatoos, we got kookaburra.Kookaburras are nice.

If they talk to kookaburras, I'm gonna be... what birds of paradise rifle birds so we got the cassowary they're very scary they kill British people every now and again those are scary yeah so what does the kookaburra do again I know it does it's in the old gumtree they're the king of the bush just laughs at you kookaburra laugh kookaburra gay your life must be that's our song you'll be you'll be birded out we I mean we got to clamber up man we got at least inspect the site I would love nothing more than for us to install it and I'll share the app with you.

You can also have the bird watching app and we can stare at them together because we'll both do the notifications.And I'll go out there at night sometimes.

That's what the Patreon is now.Patreon is a live bird feed now.I would love that.The bird feed.It's a feed.I like that.

It's good.

Maybe we can tweet the bird feed too.Matt, Matt.

You guys see how much better this is than our pedophile 30 minute show?Talking birds, that's fun.I forgot all about it.And we managed to make the bird thing racist, which I like.And of course, LeMay defended the fucking invasive species.You're an invasive species.

Just seems like a nice regular bird or so say get him out Kill having to be like having to kill like a bird for your government would be kind of chill.

Oh Damn it.

I'm the dumbest guy ever what?Uh, my car that got destroyed.They were like, do you have anything in here?I was like, no, it's got my social security birth certificate.Every single thing I own.Don't worry about it.

Cause I had to get my driver's license.

I'm going to steal your identity.You're going to walk, go up to the fucking link.Some guys and be like, Hey guys, he's just crushing.You're like, get them off.This guy's good.Just murdering.

It turned out all you do need is a Trump impression.

You are in a weird position of getting to pick a car now.It's a huge identity moment.

I know and I don't know what car to pick.

I think you get one of those Houston low ones with the big spikes coming out either side of the wheels.I can't do that.

Why not?It's crazy.

It's time.

It's too much attention.You gotta go sleek.Very sleek.You know what I mean?I liked my car.That was a nice car for you.

Yeah, I'm in the my my CRV still rocking.So I got to like I'm gonna ride it out.But I got every car I pick everyone's like it's the gayest thing ever.Jeep gladiator thought jeep gladiator could be a girl dad car.I thought I could get a cool car.It's like it's for real.

So good.

Well, then you tell me what to get a Ford get a Raptor.It's like I'm not driving a fucking Raptor.

Yeah, I don't you're not a pickup truck guy SUVI've seen you drive a Suburban.SUVs are nice.You're nice in the SUV.I've been driving trucks everywhere.When I drive for any show, I rent trucks to go from city to city.

That's exciting.It's been kind of fun.It's been driving every new pickup truck to see which one I like.

I'm back in a people, I'm back in a minivan.Back in a minivan.2000 Japanese Toyota, beautiful fabric seats.It's got a V6 engine in it.I've looked at the retro.It's nice.

Well, everyone's saying don't buy a new car.Everyone, everyone who's like a hardcore car guy is like, don't buy anything new right now.Get like in something old that hasn't been made like 10 years ago.And just, I don't know why.I don't know.I don't, I wish I knew about cars.

My brother almost convinced me to do a cyber truck.It's so easy to, I was like, yeah, I'll just do that.Is there a 0 % interest right now?I'd like that.That's nice.Yeah.

The Land Cruiser.Yeah.That's nice.

1997.

That's cool.I mean you probably, you're connected enough.That's nice.You could get the Waymo things on.You could buy whatever car you want.You guys should just get a Waymo.

Buy your own Waymo.Then you can drink and drive anytime.

James, you're on to something about that.

You're one of the only people in the world who might be able to get on the phone to the Waymo Corporation and say, I should have the world's first private Waymo.

That would be, dude, I honestly love - Just everywhere I go, everyone's fucking with the car.Also, no highway travel at all.

Also, I'm drinking and driving the whole time, just like, you wanna follow me?Just fucking losing my mind every trip.

Yeah, I was going to do a Waymo to meet my kids somewhere.And it was like, it was like a 20 minute drive.And I'm like, I'll get into Waymo.It was like an hour and 20 minutes.I was like, all right, let me just, I may be.

You custom fit your own Waymo.You get a bed put in there.You just get to lie down and go to sleep.

I would like to lay down more.

Yeah.This is my idea.This is what I think Waymo should be doing.

I might be able to like have not stood up for a day.

Dude, instead of flying, you fly for an hour and a half, you get to the new city.This is my idea.Beautiful bed in a Waymo.You just go to sleep.drives you to the city.You wake up eight hours later.

In between the plane and Waymo, you could have a Segway where you just kind of get tied to it and you're just leaning against it.

Sleep on that.Fucking just takes you to the city.I think I'm just inventing paraplegia.That's what I'm going for.

Like a guy sleeping on a horse just tied to the saddle.

That'd be a fun thing.We should start getting the heroin people on Segways.hit them that they hit that fucking lean forward.That thing's going 90 miles an hour.Crazy.

Their noses are like right over the ground.That'd be nice though to be like, I put them on segways and just point them north and be like, yeah.

Yeah.That's the thing.Yeah.Austin is just those fucking shitty birds and homeless people.Those two.I see.

I've always seen them together.That's a very, very symbiotic relationship.

They do.They do.They do, that bird was just eating like homeless crumbs basically.I was watching it just pick at, just like weird shit.Like they're elephants.The what?

Like they're elephants, like the birds are on them.Yeah, cleaning their teeth.

Yeah, that's good stuff.That's why they're screaming at the airport, they're just picking little particles out of their teeth like.

It's so weird, it's weird to see it again.We don't have crack in Australia, we just have methamphetamine.It's a slightly different Yeah, homeless person.

Yeah, it's way more.

Crack people are a little more, they're in a fantasy land slightly more.The mood is improved and I don't know, there's a spirit of joy about it, but the meth people, it's just sheer.I couldn't disagree more.No, meth people are spookier, I find.

Yeah, they're more like politically tapped in as well.

More ready to have violence, more ready to question your ideas.

Yeah, I'm not saying, I'm saying the people in Austin are fucking evil.I've never walked by a fucking homeless guy and been like, he's having a good time.They're literally having audible arguments.

I see a sense that there's a theater about, like that woman who wears caution tape instead of clothing.You know, she's having an experience, she's doing.

I don't know if I've seen her.

They're funnier.Crack people are funnier.Remember the street joke guy in Philly who would come up and be like, I got a joke for you guys.

Yes.I don't see them here.

I don't see the crack homeless people here.

I see the angry run.

That's more of a Philly thing, you're right.

A lot of angry homeless people.

Meth is pretty big here too now though.Meth kind of like piggybacked heroin cities pretty hard where it would kind of like come in and a lot of the heroin guys got into meth as well.

That's a bad one.Meth is the worst.Phoenix is meth city, dude.

Phoenix is bad.Me and Nate saw a fucking, or me and Sean saw needles on the ground walking around.

I was like, I don't want to make everything about Oklahoma, but last time I was in Oklahoma, they'd cut the, when you go to fill up your tire, like someone had a flat tire and you go to do it and they cut the tip off at the gas station that you used, but it's called the needle.And they said they cut the needles off for drugs.And I thought they were using, they were like fucking jamming that into their arms, but they use it like a pipe.It's a perfect pipe so that they just don't have them, that you can't fill your tire up in Oklahoma.

Should have pissed me off.It's not right.Yeah.That would piss me off.But yeah, meth, I would agree.Meth is, I think one of the, if I had moved with Sydney, I got to pick the drug everyone's on.

Heroin.Meth is, heroin's pretty chill.

I'd pick heroin for sure.

Heroin, yeah.Sleepy.Just lay down.Heroin's pretty chill.Meth would be the worst, you think?Yeah, I think so.

Meth's so good.

Because they get like real, you know, it's a very like, I got to do this thing now.Yes.Kind of drug.It's the head moves differently.We got a lot, we still, Australia only got really, Everyone's gone away and meth is, but it's that the head moves like this and people get skinny and sweating.

And I'm back on public transport and I'm seeing it.

It's, um, our buses are not as spooky as yours, but they're still, that's why it's, it's weird when you get one.No, I'm done.No comment.You're doing the, you're doing the smile.

Can you, can you do a takeout now?Is Australia still anti take or like taking away food from the restaurant kind of thing?

Uh, yeah.Food poisoning.We,we're disagreeable about it.Yeah.

You guys can't have that.I was like, what?

I've convinced neither of you to come back for a show.

Yeah, I'm not.It's the flight.I liked Australia at the flight.

I, it's just brutal, bro.I don't know how you just bounce it back and forth.Huh?14 lovely hours.I had a great time.I watched succession for the first time.

That's nice.It's pretty good.Yeah.I'll never watch it.I watched the, I watched season four.I'd never watched any other season.

Oh no.That's like the worst way to watch it.It's so good.I could tell it was beautiful.I got the picture.

Yeah.We're going to do it.It's time for us to take the company.No, they all suck.

They're all weak.It's the same thing as season one.The episode where he goes, you're not serious people.And I thought, I've said that before.I've said that to people.

I like when, I don't know what season it is, when the old man goes to the like liberal news station and he goes, thank you for welcoming us Romans amongst your Greek city.It was just a funny, weird rich guy thing to say.Remember, I have no idea what he's talking about.I'm like, damn, that sounds so cool.Yeah, it's all right.Now, now that I've studied Rome, I know what he's talking about.

Speaking of dude, I, um, you think it's time for the page?

Yeah, we, I guess we're going to do it this week.We already did.We did the page this week.Next week, we're going to have a, Dude, I have 19 pages of notes typed about the fall of Rome, just like the beginning of Julius Caesar crossing the Rubicon, why he did it, what's the foundational myths of Rome, what shaped the Roman citizen's identity.I wish I could be here for that, that's my degree.Yeah, you were a fucking, you minored, I didn't know you had a minoring class.

That's my degree, but also at some point I want to put pressure, I'm happy to do it publicly, the Civil War podcast.All right, I'll do it.You'll do it?Do you want to do it now?Give me a minute.

I'm thinking about a little Sherman and Grant podcast episode.

Okay.

discuss Sherman and Grant, see what they were up to.

You don't want to start with the cause?You could rattle off the top of your head causes of the War of Northern Aggression.Oh, brother.

Oh, brother.

You've got an hour in you for that.Maybe.

Blacks.

It was a dog.Industrialization.The forest of industrialization.

I'm all right with that.Yeah, we can.I'll do that.

It's nice.Be nice.We can just start researching stuff.

Yeah.

It's time.

Sherman and Grant are the bros.It's time for you guys.Nate, it's time for you to learn about Sherman and Grant.North or South?These are Northern guys.Okay.

Ulysses S. Grant.Okay.I'm all in.William Tecumseh Sherman.

I'm in.

Anyway.That should be it, huh?Yeah, I think we did it.Great job.Yeah, we teased, we teased some futurism.

A bit of a CTA, you know, a little CTA mix in there.Nice.That's what it's all about, CTAs.Good to see you, John.Thank you for having me.Dude, thank you, man.

Stoked on you.

I'm sad that I had to go away almost immediately.

Yeah, but dude, we'll reunite in Canada.See you in a moment.How cool is that?We'll be together in Canada.

Wait, what are you guys doing in Canada?

Same place, Toronto.We'll be in Toronto.

The agent has for some reason put us both in Canada on the same night.Kind of a wild move.But it means we'll get to hang out.True.

But everything's good.Fuckin' Ethan?Yeah.We're both, we're both, all our shows are both at capacity, so we're good to go.

Good to go.That's crazy.

It still is kind of weird, yeah.It's very strange.I'll see it every now and again, I'll get linked with Sodor somewhere, where I'm kind of like, why are we at the same place?Who's coming?I don't like that.Who are you bringing to Toronto?

CJ.He's from Chicago.Well, I was gonna bring CJ to Toronto.No, no, not CJ, sorry, AJ.Sorry, my bad, I'm getting my boys mixed up.AJ, I'll bring AJ.

Okay.Going alphabetical order, right?Yeah.

Speaker 2 11.I'll be, I'll be supplying.They're a big sponsor of the Adelaide crows who, by the way, season's turning around.It's going to be all right.

I heard big Texas.

He had six, five, five goals and it was fantastic.I can really, we, if we make it to thefinal, you called him.Wow.Wow.Wes.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Now James McCann said, I said, I said, how are the crows?

Didn't we have a nice wholesome moment before we mentioned the football?That was a good place to end the pod.I do believe.

Probably overtime.Goodbye, cryboys.Goodbye.He's my hero.Yeah, you would never want to do that.Trust me.

All right.

Bye.Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

Do it.