Epstein Bill Has Trump & Co. Freaking Out & Melania Delivers AI War Cry | The Daily Show

Last night, Trump signed the Epstein-Fowle Transparency Act into law. It was the first step towards proving that there's no connection between him and Jeffrey Epstein. Unfortunately, he signed the bill like this.

-♪ ♪ -♪ Yeah! ♪ -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! ♪

Not again. So now this bill's a law. It's fully legal. Or as Megyn Kelly would probably call it, 16. In the meantime, Pam Bondi has opened a new investigation into Epstein's relationships with Democrats. And it's not just because Trump ordered her to on Twitter for the whole world to see. No, that's not why.

She had a perfectly good explanation for that that she's not nervous about at all.

What changed, uh, since then

I mean, I've heard of a thousand-yard stare,

but this dude looks like he could see to China right now.

Hey, Cash, could you check in on my family in Malaysia while you're at it? I mean, what's my mom doing? Actually, no, don't look at my mom. But Pam Bondi isn't the only Trump official investigating Democrats and fucking it up. We also got Lindsey Halligan,

whom Trump made his personal lawyer after he saw her on a golf course in a suit. Which sounds like a joke, but it's not. She's now a U.S. attorney leading his crusade against James Comey, and she's crushing it.

The case against former FBI director James Comey may be in jeopardy. Lindsey Halligan, the inexperienced prosecutor President Trump handpicked for the job but who has never tried a criminal case, admitted she never showed the entire grand jury

the indictment it was supposed to have approved.

It's a mistake that could end up

getting the case thrown out entirely.

It turns out the unqualified lawyer f-ed up the case. I mean... This is how a legally blonde would have gone if it was real. It's like, uh, well, I've never tried the case before, but I'm gonna do my best.

Case dismissed. You are disbarred. Roll credits. In her defense, how is she supposed to know she has to show the indictment to the whole grand jury? Okay? They almost never show that part on suits. But let's move on to one of Trump's friends who never gets anything wrong, Elon Musk.

He's been away for a while, but this week, he was back at the White House for a state dinner. And I'm glad Trump and Elon made up, because love him or hate him, Elon is the richest guy in the world, so you have to love him. And if you doubt Elon's greatness, just ask his own AI.

After some apparent reprogramming, Elon Musk's Grok AI is now telling users that Musk ranks among the top 10 minds in history, rivaling Da Vinci or Newton. Grok also claims that Musk's lean and wiry physique, while not Olympian, places him in the upper echelons

and that he edges out LeBron James in, quote,

holistic fitness.

-♪ I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man ♪ Elon Musk is in better shape than LeBron James. And that shape is trapezoid. I mean, A.I. is everywhere. When it came time this week to speak to troops about A.I. warfare, Trump sent the obvious choice from the White House to do it.

First Lady Melania Trump offering a warning

about the impacts of A.I. on the battlefield. Melania Trump offering a warning about the impacts of A.I. on the battlefield.

Melania Trump.

-♪ ♪ -()

What is the first lady doing talking about A.I. and warfare? I mean, she should be doing normal first lady things, like calling kids fat or calling kids druggies or calling kids stupid. But, okay, let's see what she has to say about this.

AI will alter war more profoundly than any technology since nuclear weapons. The shift from soldiers to machines is already underway. Autonomous helicopters, swarming drones, and recon aircraft are here now. Fighter-less jets and autonomous bombers are on the way.

Happy Thanksgiving. Thank you. Wow. Uh... The new Terminator movie is weird as hell.

I mean, I...

I can't even tell if she's for or against this future

that she's describing.

Like, maybe she's just waiting to see who wins and then declare her allegiance.

She's like,

the robots will destroy us, and the good or bad, we'll just waiting to see who wins and then declare her allegiance. She's like, the robots will destroy us, and they're good or bad.

We'll see.

-♪ ♪

And finally, big news from the secretary of transportation, Sean Duffy. The FAA has had a lot of problems recently. Worker shortages, system failures, mixing up the sky and the ground.

But luckily, Sean's got a solution that will fix everything.

The Department of Transportation

is urging airline passengers to be on our best behavior.

Let's bring civility and manners back. Ask yourself, are you helping a pregnant woman put her bag in the overhead bin? Are you dressing with respect? Are you saying thank you to your flight attendants and your pilots?

Are you saying please and thank you in general?

-♪ ♪ -♪

Are manners the most important thing for the FAA to be dealing with right now? This would be like if in the middle of Vietnam, Henry Kissinger said, hey, everyone, just here to say chew with your mouth closed.

Okay?

But Duffy's right. We should all be more civilized, including the president, who just today posted, hang the Democrats. Does that sound polite to you? No. It should be, please hang the Democrats.

Thank you.

-♪ ♪

But they are really committing to this civility campaign. They even released a whole video about how they want But they are really committing to this civility campaign. They even released a whole video about how they want to take air travel back to the golden age.

Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away.

Air travel is a miracle of American ingenuity. We respected the dignity of air travel and the men and women who made the dream possible. Flying was a bastion of civility. But today...

♪♪

Don't f-ing touch me. ♪♪ Yeah, yeah, baby, oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah... -♪ Oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah... -♪ Oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah...

-♪ Oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah... Yeah, get him! Fuck him up!

-$5,000 for a $5,000 ticket. in the 1950s, but at least with these passengers, 9-11 is not gonna happen again, all right? Because no way a bunch of terrorists can defeat four angry Karens in their pajamas. They're gonna be like, I got a box cutter, too, bitch! For more on the new airline's civility efforts, we go live to Reagan National Airport with Michael Kosta. Michael, Michael, what's the mood over there?

Oh, man, it is great, Ronnie. I'm glad Sean Duffy's taking air travel back to the 1950s. Everything was better back then. More men wore hats, women's boobs looked like torpedoes, and cigars didn't cause cancer yet.

It was the best.

Okay, well, the 1950s weren't good for everyone.

Yeah, okay, obviously, I don't mean the racial stuff. We're not going to go back to that. Blah, blah, blah. Sean Duffy only wants the classy airplane stuff from the 50s, like dressing up and sitting in huge seats with lots of leg room while you eat a steak dinner with old school Coca-Cola that has cocaine in it.

Wait, where do you get Coca-Cola with cocaine?

Well, this one was kind of a DIY situation.

Whoo! Huh? Bleh!

This fat cat is zooted! Whoo! Huh? Bleh! This fat cat is zooted! Whoo!

Okay, hey, Costa, I think you misunderstood this campaign, all right? You're not getting extra leg room, and you're not getting a steak dinner.

Well, if we're out of steak, lobster's fine.

No, not... There's no lobster. You get nothing. Sean Duffy just wants travelers to be more civil. He's not doing anything about the actual airplanes.

Okay, that's fine, I guess. As long as I can still walk up to the gate ten minutes before a flight and pay cash for a one-way ticket for me and my gun, that will still be nice.

No, the airports aren't changing either, okay? You still gotta do TSA and all that security shit.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So I have to be in the 1950s, but the airlines get to be in 2025?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

Well, can I still call the stewardess Toots?

No.

Well, can I call her Dame? No. D-Dollface?

No.

Kitten?

No. Kitten? No. Sugar tits? No. Sugar breasts?

No.

Toots? You said that one already. You can't call them any of the many, many derogatory yet somehow commonly used terms for women in the 1950s.

You know, this makes me so mad. That's it. I'm gonna go change into Crocs and punch a baggage handler.

Yeah.

Michael, you can't do that either.

You're right. You're right, right. This is 2025. I'm gonna save it for the plane. I'm gonna save it for the plane.

Right? Michael Kosta, everyone.