Epstein-Trump Saga Gets 20K Pages Longer & Megyn Kelly Splits Hairs on Pedophilia | The Daily Show

Yesterday, the Epstein story exploded back into the national conversation when House Democrats released three e-mails that Jeffrey Epstein wrote about his BFF, Donald Trump. But Donald Trump has the entirety of the GOP behind him. And you know these world-class strategists have a plan

for getting this story off the front page.

As part of the Republican response to the selective and limited release of e-mails by the Democrats, Republicans stepped up and put out 20,000 pages of Jeffrey Epstein-related documents.

Oh, no!

This is the downside of your people really having your back. Because they were basically like, he got nothing to hide. Here's 20,000 more e-mails. Don't you people know anything about a cover-up? This is like trying to hide pissing yourself by shitting yourself.

Oh.

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Trump's people spent a year saying there are no Epstein files. Now there's 20,000 pages and those still aren't the files. What happened? There's now more pages of Trump-Epstein lore than Batman and Superman crossover. And look, these 20,000 pages weren't all about crimes. A lot of it was just weird bro shit

about women that they dated.

Epstein says in these emails that he could produce photos of Donald and girls in bikinis in my kitchen. Epstein claims that he and Trump had dated the same woman back in the 1990s, saying, my 20-year-old girlfriend in 1993

that after two years I gave to Donald. back in the 1990s, saying, my 20-year-old girlfriend in 1993,

Because I can't imagine a worse way to break up with someone than setting them up with Donald Trump. If someone broke up with me and they were like, I don't deserve you, but you know who does? And then Donald Trump walked in, I'd be like, damn, I didn't know you hated me. And by the way, just as a side note,

the woman people say Epstein might be referring to is a Norwegian cosmetics heiress whose name, and I am not making this up, is Selena Middlefart.

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And if you're watching this from Norway and you're like, it's Middlefart.

That is basically what I just said.

Now she is denied that she ever dated either of them, which I get, but more importantly, how is Selena Middlefart a real name? It sounds like a bad spy name. Like if you broke, if you were a spy and you broke into a super secret security office and right after you grabbed the disc or whatever,

you turn the corner and then there's someone looking at you and they say, who are you? And you haven't thought that far. And you almost say Selena Gomez, but you know that's not going to work. So you're like Selena, Selena, and you get nervous when you're, you know, trying to come up with a name and it makes you fart in the middle of your sentence. So you're like, Selena Middlefarm. And then that guy is just like,

oh, okay, do you know where the bathroom is? But these emails don't just show their friendship. They show their frenemyship. And after their bromance ended, Epstein really showed that hell hath no fury like a pedophile scorned.

He says Trump is borderline insane. He says Donald Trump is effing crazy. Maybe Donald Trump has early, uh, dementia. Rumler says Trump is so gross. And Epstein responds, worse in real life and up close.

Oh!

Damn. A pedophile called you all that? That's wild. It would be like if the devil came out and said, y'all diddy gross, okay? We were alone for five minutes. You know he tried to kiss me and when I pushed him away he hit me with a water balloon full of baby oil. I don't even know what that's for. This is one of the many reasons being friends with a pedophile is a lose-lose situation because as a character witness if they're like this guy's disgusting and

I'm a pedophile that's bad. But on the flip side if they're like yeah I know him he's a pretty good hang. That's also horrible. It's why you should choose your friends wisely, because remember, if you do something embarrassing in front of a friend, that's a memory. But if they turn on you, it becomes ammo.

Epstein's suggesting reporters, ask my houseman about Donald almost walking through the door, leaving his nose print on the glass as young women were swimming in the pool, and he was so focused, he walked straight into the door.

-$25. $25. $25. $25.

There is no way this dude is Looney Tunes-level horny. Like, you know, there's normal level perv, and then there's Kool-Aid man level perv. Hey, doll, you want to see some girls in the pool?

Oh, yeah!

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And look, also, I'm not saying Trump has a micropenis. But it's weird he got all horned up and his nose hit the glass first.

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So the GOP didn't do Trump any favors by releasing these e-mails. They basically saw his grease fire and said,

let us add some water. The CDC didn't do Trump any favors by releasing these e-mails. They basically saw his grease fire and said,

-"Let us add some water." --laughter and applause And his supporters on TV aren't doing that much better.

This is obviously an attempt to smear the president

by cherry-picking.

This is just all for show.

A distraction.

Just ridiculous.

The Carnival show, it's journalistically malpracticed.

Why weren't they as concerned about Bill Clinton? They love to create drama.

This whole Epstein-Files thing, it's a little bit played out.

-♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪ -♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪

Played out? You know shit's bad when the sensationalist media is like, Let's talk about budgetary cuts. Let's get nasty. Come on, guys, that's not gonna work. If you want to downplay this story, you need a master, all right? Megyn Kelly, you're a master of spin. Show us what you got.

As for Epstein, he wasn't into, like, eight-year-olds, but he liked the very young teen types. There's a difference between a 15-year-old

and a five-year-old and a five-year-old, you know, it's just, whatever, it's sick.

How the hell was Megyn Kelly ever an attorney? Your Honor, my client only engaged in diet pedophilia. Ma'am, everyone knows there's a big difference between a 15-year-old and a five-year-old, but everyone also knows there's never good reason to be talking about that difference. -♪♪♪♪

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For more on the new batch of Epstein emails, we go live outside the Capitol to Troy Awada.

-♪♪♪♪ Thank you. Grammar, I thought you'd be more upset about the sex crimes. Yeah, of course, of course. We're all upset about the sex crimes, but the grammar, Josh, and the punctuation. Look at this email this adult man sent, okay? Recall, I've told you, then what looks like quotation marks that are somehow at the bottom, and then hyphen, hyphen, I have met some very bad people,

and then the bottom quotation marks again. Like where is he getting this punctuation from? Do pedophiles have a special keyboard? Is he putting his keyboard in a bag and just shaking it around?

I agree that's weird, but I don't think that's the takeaway here.

Yeah, of course not, of course not. No, sex crimes are bad, everyone knows that. But like, they're not the only crimes being committed here. Like, listen to this, listen to this. This is him complaining about a BuzzFeed article, okay? Read the UzzFeed,

read my airplane logs and Hawaiian tropic contest, period slash. Like, he doesn't know how to spell Hawaii? Like, just, Jeffrey, kill yourself.

I...

I...

He already did.

Oh. Good.

Okay, Troy, so, yes, the period slash is weird, but the punctuation is not as important as Jeffrey Epstein trafficking people. Okay, well, clearly, he, the period slash is weird, but the punctuation is not as important as Jeffrey Epstein trafficking people.

Okay, well, clearly, he never trafficked Strunk and White, if you know what I mean.

No, I don't know what that means.

You don't... you don't know Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White? Okay. All right, tell me you're a pedophile without telling me you're a pedophile. Dude! Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. I'm just... It's just upsetting, okay? I mean, look at this invitation to the Epstein Island he sent. DEC, space, space, visit me Caribbean.

Like, what happened to the language of hospitality? Like, why isn't it, would you care to meet me in the Caribbean for sex crimes this December, good sir? You know, not visit me Caribbean. Who wrote this, Cookie Monster?

Fine, you're right. It's a problem.

It is. And you know, it's part of a much bigger problem. Illiteracy is at an all time high in America. And this is about more than just spelling or sex crimes.

This is only about sex crimes.

No, it's about paying our teachers what they are worth.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

It is about fostering a love of learning in our children so that when these children grow up and commit crimes, whatever crimes they choose to commit, they will at least be able to f-ing spell.

Wow, that's so inspiring. You're right, Troy. We need to focus our time and resources on those who matter most.

On those whom matter, Josh.

That's definitely incorrect. Troy Awada, everyone. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right.