heartbreak at 30… my next chapter

It's been a while. It's October 16th and I was just sitting here watching some of my old videos Talking about things. All of the things that I struggled with last year are still a thing

How am I supposed to sign up with this?

Forever. Like how is this supposed to be my life? I'm like so tired. I cannot be with somebody like this. The fuck am I doing? Why do I always do this? Like I don't know how to. Like, I just don't know how to get out of this. This is not my person. This is not my love story. As heartbreaking and terrible as it feels

to have to do this and go through a breakup. Like, are you fucking kidding me?

The thought of getting to fall in love

with somebody that's gonna tell me

in the way that makes me feel good. but also what if I never meet somebody? I say that but like of course I'm gonna meet somebody, I'm only 30. I could meet somebody at 35 or I could not but I can't be like this.

I actually cannot stay in this. I'm going to make a sandwich. I'm going to make a sandwich. I'm going to make a sandwich. I'm going to make a sandwich. I'm going to make a sandwich. I'm going to make a sandwich. I'm going to make a sandwich. This fucking sucks. I just don't know how I'm going to get past this.

I just don't see it.

Think about how unhappy you've been the last two years.

From the beginning.

Is that really the devil you are?

But I wasn't unhappy all the time. You were unhappy most all the time. You were unhappy most of the time.

Come on, girl. I love you. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I like cooked for the first time in like a week.

I don't want to go tonight.

It's going to be over and over again.

How you doing?

How you doing?

Well, you're going to have to get it over with eventually.

It's like I want to move on, but I don't want to move on. Like having a fun time with your friends and coming home to an empty house. Knowing that like you used to come home

and you would be there. I will not know his life anymore. I had a good morning. I felt okay

It's kind of weird But I feel like cleansed by the snow outside because he never lived here when it looked like this. I don't associate this in the house with him and it makes me feel a little bit better.

And that is what I'm holding on to today.

Like fucking miserable. I feel fucking miserable.

And to have so many comments like,

where's Yoda, I miss Yoda. Fucking me too, bro.

I'm not gonna cry.

♪ If they like you, they'll just lie to themselves. ♪ ♪ Tell me who I am, cause I don't have a choice. ♪ ♪ All because I'm a boy. ♪ ♪ Run with my head high, it's some kind of fetish. ♪ It's so not funny I'm breaking and teasing and jesting I'm making so much Heartbreak is one thing, my ego's another

I beg you, don't embarrass me, motherfucker

Tonight was the first night that I talked about going through a breakup And I was congratulated.

I think that has to be my new attitude.

I'm still in the trenches, but that did help.

I'm not gonna lie.

I just feel fucking miserable. And the anxiety that I feel

knowing that people are talking about this

and speculating and like, it makes me feel sick.

This just feels like so fucking sensitive.

There were definitely a lot of times where I was happy. Like when we were barbecuing, like that was like peak vibes.

I couldn't hold on to it.

That was literally three months.

I just wish my brain could like settle

and like I could get back to who I was before.

I went to ownership tonight

and I actually feel optimistic

for the first time in two weeks. My class was really good for me,

just like accepting your emotions and like working through it.

For now, it would be easier. For a lifetime of not easy.

Yeah.

There were many opportunities we had to fix things.

Oh yeah, that's good. Well, here we are again.

God, I like did not think that I would sit down and film a video like this ever, ever, ever, ever again. But you know what? I've, I mean, every day has been so different. I have very different feelings every single day, and I don't think that's gonna change anytime soon, if we're honest. But today I feel like

this happened when it was supposed to happen for many, many, many reasons, and it's going to ultimately put me where I'm supposed to be, because I was not supposed to be here, and I should have acted on that sooner. And I think I fell victim to the narrative of having it all by 30. And I hate myself for it because I was so against it and against settling for the sake

of like fitting society's timeline. But then you find a relationship that seems really good at the beginning and it's really working and it feels like it's hitting everything that you wanted and you know, obviously the beginning of a relationship,

everything is perfect. And even looking back, you know, mine was not. It wasn't perfect and I had a lot of concerns early on and those concerns got bigger later on and I knew those concerns before we moved in together. But I told myself, nobody's perfect.

And I justified some of those things. But those things that I justified would have been a very, very, very hard life for me. And that is not to say that he's a bad guy. I have so much love for him. I love him.

I miss him. I do. Like, if I'm honest, I do. And I wish that I could just text him and say like, let's just hang out tonight. Like, let's just do whatever. But that is not for my greater good. It's been two weeks.

I gave myself like a solid 10 days not filming to cry, do nothing, feel whatever, scream. And I'm not ready to really break out of that routine quite yet. I'm not gonna lie. Like I don't wanna get it together right now. I don't feel like having my life in order and being like, yeah, like look at me.

I'm doing so well and I'm cooking and I'm doing X, Y, and Z. I'm not there. I still wanna sit in my fucking pajamas and I wanna watch TV all day and read books and put together random food just for the sake of feeding myself. I don't. I don't have it together at all. But I

need to get back together. I need to put myself back together. And that's gonna happen one day at a time. And I can't really move forward if I stay in this hole of despair. So we're gonna move forward. And it's gonna be good. I don't know if it came across on camera at all But people in my life were very well aware of the fact that I was drowning For like the last few months. I have been drowning You know I tried my best to do all the things that were like good for me like going to work out and seeing friends and like

Going out but like it's a like a blur Like I can't even begin to process or explain how this past year has felt for me because I felt like I've just been free falling in a way. And that's not to say that like this entire year has been terrible and horrible and my relationship was horrible because it wasn't.

You know, some days I feel very angry for how this went down or how this ended. And I feel very angry for all of the effort. I feel angry at myself for trying despite knowing it wasn't right. At the same time, I can't be like that mad at myself

because I am still here and I am on the other side of this now. It might've taken me longer than it maybe should've, but you know, you love someone and you don't wanna give up and you wanna give your all because you see so much potential, but it's the potential that kills you.

It's the hope that kills you. And then, you know, one day you have to wake up and just realize like, I have to choose this person for who they are right now in this moment. I can't wait for a shift to maybe happen or maybe not happen.

At the end of it all, I am here and I'm choosing myself because I fucking love myself. I do. And I know what I want. I know what I deserve. And I'm not giving up on that. And I'm not giving up on myself. And by staying I would have been giving up on myself and my potential. And I don't do that anymore. I did when I was younger. And then, you know, I turned 30 and I was like, fuck, oh my God. I'm so close to everything I wanted.

I'm so close. I'm living with a man. This is what I always wanted. I wanted to have this routine. I wanted to have all of it. I felt so close that how could I turn away now

when the big dream is right there? And it feels even silly to say that because people break off engagements, people get divorced, like I can't even fathom what that has to feel like. But this was the closest that I had ever felt to what that reality or that that dream looked like. My reality, I don't know, it's all kind of fucked up and I don't want to say a bad

thing about him because I loved him. I do still. And at the end, you know, when we say goodbye, like, I didn't feel badly towards him at all. It actually, like, ruined me to have that final goodbye because I was like, this is the man that I love and how am I supposed to say goodbye to him? But like, I needed to. And as weird as every day has been since, like I know it was right. And I knew that it had to happen. I just wish it didn't. I just wish it didn't have to happen. And I wish things could have been different.

Here we are.

It's just me again. And I honestly, before like we ended, I had come up with a plan for myself of how I was gonna be the best version of myself ever on the other side of the breakup whenever it happened, because I knew at a certain point that it was inevitable.

And I have a list of things I am going to do when I feel ready to do them. And I'm honestly quite excited for the day that I wake up and I'm like, fuck yeah, let's do it. Let's do all the things that I know I can do. I'm not there yet, but I have a plan. And it's gonna be a good plan. And I think it's gonna end up, you know,

with me in a really good place. But for now we are rebuilding and we are finding a way back to myself because despite the face that I can apparently put on really easily, like I filmed a vlog, the last vlog was after we broke up,

but I knew I had things I needed to get done and I knew I had to put on a face, get that up so I could give myself the time to grieve and skip one upload. Like I can put on a really good face, but I think inside I have just been nothing.

I have like nothing to give. That's very sad because I am somebody that has a lot to give. That's very sad because I am somebody that has a lot to give to people and I look forward to building that back up. But for the time being, I'm gonna fucking rot. I'm going to rot on the couch, I'm gonna rot in bed, and I'm gonna get through this eventually. You know, it's kind of crazy, like we only lived together for five months, but for some

reason I feel like I totally lost myself in that time. Like it was only five months, which is not a long time at all, but it felt like everything in my life changed. Like I was on a totally different routine and I was on somebody else's routine

and I was, you know, like not sure of what emotions in the house I was gonna walk into every day. And I just was living in so much uncertainty and I felt like I had no fucking control anymore at all. And that's like so draining. Obviously not at the beginning, the beginning was good,

but the beginning of anything fresh is always good. And then like reality sets in and you see things, when you live with somebody, like you cannot hide. You cannot hide your habits, you cannot hide who you are when you come home from work every day. Like you are who you are and it was a very,

I don't wanna say anything, I don't know. And so while it feels difficult to feel so much quiet in the house now, it's just me. And I can find peace in myself. So it's fucking hard, it's weird. It's so weird that there is no longer a cat there.

I am actually so sad about Yoda. I'm sad about all of it, but like, when I came home and he wasn't here, it was very startling because, you know, Yoda's, he's always making sounds. And I'm not gonna lie,

sometimes that was hard to live with as well, but he is the sweetest little boy and at the end of the day all he ever wanted was love and i'm like sad that i don't get to see him anymore. There's a lot of sad. There's a lot of sad in my life at the moment but there's a lot of optimism as well. I feel very optimistic for 2026, for what my future can bring now and the possibilities, the choices i can make, the things that I can do. There's a lot ahead of me on the other side of this, so that is getting me through. Anyways, I just like woke up this morning and I said I am ready to just talk about this and move forward because if I don't come back to YouTube and I just like take a pause,

I'm gonna be stuck in this hole and I have to start moving forward. I am a very forward-driven person. I'm always thinking about my next step and my next move. So I honestly just want to show up as authentically as possible throughout this. I don't think I'm gonna be healed in the next couple weeks, but there is power in community and I know I'm not the only one going through a breakup right now.

So hopefully my experience can help some of you, some of your experiences can help me. And yeah, so that's me right now. Hope you guys are doing great. Anyways, my plan for today is read. I'm gonna work out because it's one thing I've been trying to get myself to do.

So it's good for me. I'm gonna eat leftover takeout that I had last night. Welcome back. It's kind of funny, at the beginning of the year, I claimed this as the year for me to do all the things for me and like become the best version of myself. And I dedicated this whole year to doing so.

But I find it ironic because I think all year I was subconsciously preparing for this moment and this chapter. Preparing myself physically, mentally, everything so that I would still be a better version of myself despite feeling like I was drowning, if that makes sense.

I think life just works in really weird ways and you never really know what's coming. That is the one sure thing that we know is that nothing ever stays the same. Things are always changing and we don't have any control over that.

I'm trying to remind myself that change and hard times usually are for your better good. Obviously not every situation, but there are very few cases of women that have gone through breakups and didn't end up better on the other side.

And I will not let myself be any other way. So we're gonna go work out. Oh, I forgot this.

Thank you.

Bye. Oh man. Walking out of the class to see it dark outside was just like fuck, like so many hours ahead of nothingness.

That's so sad. It's fine. I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Truly every hour is like a different experience. And walking back, I was just like, this fucking sucks. This sucks so much. My house is a mess. I feel like my brain is a mess. I just wish I could like stabilize.

Like I wish I could just. I'm not gonna lie, the nights suck.

But I have Thai food.

The nights are just fucking long.

It's six o'clock.

I just don't have a lot of These are just fucking long. Six o'clock.

I just don't have a lot of myself to get right now. Kind of just getting through every day. Thai food helps, that's fucking yummy. And I'm taking this to the couch. Khao soy tom kha soup. I'm Tom Kasuk. I started rewatching Schitt's Creek because it's like so silly goofy.

Kind of just always had it on in the background.

♪♪♪

I'm going to be about the carnage that's coming.

Here's everything I ate at the Schoenberg Christmas Market with prices.

Let's go.

Travel with me to my first internet. At least the vibes are back.

Cozy reading nights. I don't know. It is nine o'clock and I'm in bed. I was getting into bed at like eight for a while there. So I'm working my way back up to regular times.

I think nine is good.

You know, a couple hours of like bedtime You know like tv scroll read and then bed at 11 It's not bad. I don't even know What there is left to say if you've gone through a breakup, you know, it's fucked up It's like the weirdest feeling in the world spending every single day with somebody planning a future with them talking about the future with them sleeping in the same bed every single night, and then one day you just decide

that you're never gonna speak again. You have to like grieve somebody who's still alive, you know, and grieve the future you thought you were gonna have. I feel like I have to fully rewire my brain. Even though like this wasn't the longest relationship

I've been in, but it was definitely the most potential I felt, but at the end of the day, I had to choose peace over the potential. And I need to give myself back the potential that I could have for my life and the future that I have always dreamed of. I know I said earlier that I was like mad at myself, but how can I be mad at myself for trying

and for doing everything that I could do To give it my best chance. I can't it's so easy to be a certain age and think that you have to stay with somebody because of the time you've committed the Age you are society's expectations. It's so easy to want to stay and I was so scared of Leaving until I realized it was scarier to stay because my future was very unsteady.

Every day, I'm just gonna try and piece myself back together bit by bit. I'm gonna put my tree up this week, so that'll be good. I think I'm gonna redecorate a bit. So that's gonna be fun. And I got plans.

I got plans. So one day, I have time for now. But thank you guys for being here. Thanks for joining me on this journey. What the fuck? Honestly, what the fuck?

The fact that I've been vlogging and doing this for 12 years and the amount of change I've experienced in my life and the ups and downs in that time that is all documented, it's kind of fucking crazy. So if you've been here since the beginning, thank you.

If you've been here for the last year, thank you. If this is your first vlog, welcome. Welcome to the journey. Wherever you're at in your journey, thank you for being a part of mine. It is so special to have a community thank you for being a part of mine. It is so special to have a community

that I can talk to and go through life with, so thank you forever. I'm just gonna read my book now