Jon Stewart Invites Panel of Trumps to Debate Iran War | The Daily Show

Welcome to The Daily Show. My name is Jon Stewart.

Man!

I think I might have come in too hot. Hold on. Jon Stewart. We got a great one for you tonight. Later on, I'm gonna be joined by the mayor of San Jose, California, Matt Mahan.

He's gonna be here.

-♪♪

He is one of the over 400 candidates currently running for governor of California. In the Democratic primary, we'll talk to him. But first, as you're well aware, the terrible war has been raging for two weeks now. But as of last night, it is clear that opera and ballet have defeated Timothée Chalamet.

No contest!

A knockout! Even before they brought out prima ballerina Misty Copeland in the middle of the Sinners' performance right in front of him.

Ooh! So, opera and ballet! -♪ Yeah! ♪ -♪ Yeah! ♪

Can't wait to switch out my Ukrainian flag profile picture for the playbill to Deflatormouse.

-♪ Yeah! ♪

Is that the... Oh, is that the playbill? I don't even know. I like how we put in the parentheses there, the bat. As though that's not common knowledge amongst the people. By the way, also another conflict

with a less certain outcome.

Let's get into it right now with our ongoing coverage. ♪♪

Nothing bad can happen.

It can only good happen.

It can only good happen. It can only good happen! As many of you know, war is God's way of teaching Americans geography. And class is in session. I give you the Strait of Hormuz. Of course, Gen Z will tell you no Hormuz is 100% straight. But it's a passageway choke point for 20% of the world's oil, kind of a lazy river for fossil fuels.

Not to be confused with the strategic Iranian island of Kharg, which we also attacked. We attacked Kharg and Khormuz. Because if we've learned anything from these past 20 years, it's that America will bomb anywhere that has a Scrabble score above 12.

Oh.

Oh, we'll get to you, Uzbekistan. And you guys, you're not going to believe what Iran did after we attacked them.

Breaking news.

The Supreme Leader said that the Strait of Hormuz, which is a critical shipping lane for nearly 20% of the world's crude oil, will remain closed.

What? What a dick.

Was it scheduled maintenance? Oh, oh wait. Is this because of the incessant bombing? Oh, we're gonna play the one card we have to stop you from collapsing all of our infrastructure. Real mature.

Well, you know what?

Close it.

See if we care.

Gas prices up, diesel prices up, jet fuel prices up. And in some quarters, you're beginning to hear whispers of concerns over the R word. Recession.

Come on, open it back up, come on! How dare Iran and their existential fight for existence inconvenience our commute. And by the way, the R word? Oh, this whole thing is the R-word, all right. That's not the R-word I would use for the decision to attack Iran. But Iran has now closed the Strait of Hormuz, leading to surging gas prices and risking the

global economy. Of course, there was no way to know that that was going to

happen. General Dan Cain, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, warned President Trump that Iran could close the Strait of Hormuz. President Trump acknowledged the risk, but told his team that Tehran would likely capitulate before closing the strait.

Oh, would they?

Oh.

Oh. OK.

Oh, look, oh, look about it, everybody.

Gee, who would have thought that a guy who did this during a solar eclipse... would ignore a warning? By the way, my favorite part of that goes, he looks up at a solar eclipse three times! That hurts. Yep. But not to worry, this sudden bottleneck of the world's oil supply, it's not a big

deal. It's barely closed. The only thing prohibiting transit in the Straits right now is Iran shooting at shipping. It is open for transit should Iran not do that.

Other than Epstein, it's a wonderful island. It's open except for the shooting. Come on, man.

Jeez.

So right now, the ships cannot make the passage because they're being attacked. And the risk is too great. There were some minds that have been laid. It's going to take a lot of foresight and planning to thread this needle, come up with a strategic plan. Luckily, I think the president has one.

I also asked the president about the rise in oil prices, $100 a barrel.

And he said this, these ships got to go through the Strait of Hormuz and show some guts. Shh! Aah! Show some guts, Captain Phillip!

I know you may not want to sail the slowest moving vehicle on Earth, packed with the most flammable liquid on Earth, through the most active war zone on Earth, but on the other hand...

-... -... -... What?

What are we... what are we doing?

-...

You know, maybe there's an easier solution to the myriad difficulties that have arisen from a hasty war of choice. It seems light on plans for the inevitable unforeseen consequences and contingencies.

The Trump administration is threatening to go after US TV networks for their coverage

of the war with Iran.

Yes. Yes.

That's the solution. What if we just didn't hear about it? We've got two choices. Do this war better, or make sure that the news networks only tell you that we are doing this war better.

-♪♪ -♪♪

I know which one FCC Chairman Brendan Carr prefers.

FCC Chairman Brendan Carr hosted this on X. Quote... FCC Chairman Brendan Carr prefers. FCC Chairman Brendan Carr posted this on X. Quote...

Mm...

Mm-mm-mm. No, he didn't. -♪ ♪ -♪ Networks have to learn. You better not lie and give misinformation about how this war is going. That's Donald Trump's job.

Did the United States bomb a girls' elementary school?

Based on what I've seen, that was done by Iran. They have no accuracy whatsoever. It was done by Iran? Ooh.

He's gonna lose his president license.

-♪♪

Unless he moves to basic cable.

-♪♪

Jump in, Donnie. The water's warm.

-♪♪

To be fair, the administration isn't just criticizing how the media covers the war. They're being constructive about it.

Allow me to make a few suggestions. People look up at the TV and they see banners, they see headlines. For example, a banner or a headline, Mid-East war intensifies. Splashing on the screen the last couple of days. What should the banner read instead?

How about Iran increasingly desperate?

Slow down, I'm writing! Hold on! Just desperate, have an eye! So smart. You know we should be doing that. Like instead of the Strait of Hormuz is closed, like they put up there, why not just say 99% of world's waterways now open.

And by the way, news organizations, world's waterways now open.

And by the way, news organizations, what's with all the depressing footage of things being blown up and people running away in terror? Surely there's a more uplifting version that honors our greatness.

Iran has claimed responsibility for that hit. They said they used underwater drones to strike the oil tankers. Video showed enormous fires following the impact.

Was that so hard? Well if you can't trust the fake news media, and we've got so many unanswered questions about the reasons for the war, how long it's going to go, I mean, who can we turn to for clarity? To give it to a straight? There's no better communicator than our president.

President Trump laid out clear objectives to the American people.

He's the best communicator I've ever seen.

-♪♪ Of course.

Why am I allowing myself to get all confused and flustered? Why don't we just go to the source? All this time, we've been relying on independent sources or outside observations and analysis when the truth and the clarity have been staring us in the face all along.

So to clear up all the confusion about this war, conclusion, to clear up all the confusion about this war I've assembled an expert panel to help explain what the war is actually about in a lucid and clear-cut way. So please welcome to the program President Donald Trump, Donald J. Trump, DJT, and John Barron. I'm gonna go down. Guys, gentlemen. Gentlemen, thank you so much for joining me today.

It's great to be here and great to be back. It's a great honor to be here. I just want to say it's a pleasure to be with you. I have no idea who you are, but that's okay.

Good one. But all right, let's get right into it. Look, let's just start with the basics. There's been some confusion over whether or not we are even at war. Can you clarify for us if America is at war? I'll start with you, Donald Trump.

This was just an excursion into something that had to be done.

OK. All right. Thank you. It's not a war. It's an excursion. President Trump, do you agree?

This is an excursion, a little excursion, and I think it's only that.

Okay. So it's actually like a minor, just like a walkabout, like a bit of an exploding amble, if you will. John Barron, how is this excursion going, this little Sussan of Prrr? We're winning the war, buddy, a lot.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. It's an excursion that will keep us out of a war. Okay. Um... All right, DJT, it's both a war and an excursion that will stop the war that it isn't. Excursion in the streets, war in the sheets. Is that what I'm hearing?

It sounds good to me.

Ha-ha!

I bet it does, sir! But thank you so much for not clearing that up. Do you have any sense of how long this is going to go?

Combat operations continue at this time in full force and they will continue until all of our objectives are achieved.

Understood. So obviously we have to bear down and achieve all these objectives before we could ever just stand up and say it it's over, we won.

We won. We won the bet in the first hour it was over.

That was two weeks ago. So the objectives, if we won and our objectives are met, and that was two weeks ago, why are we still at war?

We've already won in many ways, but we haven't won enough.

Motherfucker.

So we're there till we win. We've won. We haven't won enough. I'm con- I'm sorry. We've got Don from Palm Beach on the line. Sir, you said, you said the war will end when

we achieve our objectives, and they're very clear, and that we've won, but not won enough. Uh, sir, if you can, how will we know, then, when we've won enough?

When I feel it.

When I feel it in my bones.

-♪♪ All due respect to your bones, but should we really be giving them more responsibilities?

Seems like they've got enough on their plate with the getting you up and down the stairs

thing.

Gentlemen, I don't mean to be pessimistic, but I can kind of see why we're having trouble keeping the Strait of Hormuz open. In fact, there are some naysayers out there. I want to read you a tweet. Guys, I want to hear your response to this. This is a tweet from Donald J. Trump at Real Donald Trump.

Here's what he says. Hopefully, China, France, Japan, South Korea, the UK, and others will send ships to the area so that the whore moves straight will no longer be a threat. How do you guys respond to that? That tweet by Donald Trump, would the military support of other nations be helpful and welcome

in this endeavor?

We don't need anybody. We're the strongest nation in the world. We have the strongest military by far in the world. We don't need them. Everybody needs us. We have the weapons, we have the strength. We're very strong.

They need us much more than we need them, I will tell you that right now.

See, this is the clarity. This is the clarity that we've been looking for. We're gonna go it alone with our bomb buddy, Bibi. We're the strongest country in the world. Let's move on to another topic. I'm sorry, Donald, you had something you wanted to say? They should be not only thanking us,

they should be helping us. What does surprise me is that they're not eager to help. If we need anything, any piece of apparatus that they may have because of a situation that they have, they should be jumping to help us. We requested two aircraft carriers, which they had, and he didn't really

want to do it. I said, why don't you send some ships over, and he really didn't want to do it.

So to sum up, if I can, we don't need your help. We don't want your help.

Help! Help! Help!

Look, I know it's hard to imagine, but, you know, we're not the only people affected by this bombing campaign. The Iranian people, along with suffering under this terrible regime, are now living through an intense aerial bombardment. bombing campaign, the Iranian people, along with suffering under this terrible regime,

are now living through an intense aerial bombardment. Gentlemen, what's your message to the Iranian people?

Now is the time to stand up for the Iranian people and help take back your country. Now is the time to seize control of your destiny. I call upon all Iranian patriots who yearn for freedom to seize this moment.

That's big. You're calling on the Iranian people to try to overthrow their own government. Donnie, down in Palm Beach, do you agree with that statement?

So, I really think that's a big hurdle to climb for people that don't have weapons. Who's gonna do that? They literally have people in the streets with machine guns, machine-gunning people down

if they want to protest, okay?

Sir, it's an excellent point. Donnie makes an excellent point. Guys, there seems to be some disagreement amongst the Trumps on the merits of... let's call it an Iranuary Sixth type movement.

Um...

And I've got to be honest with you guys, I mean this. There are others even more critical of your decision to launch this war. I'm going to play you this for you and then I'd like your reactions.

Our president will start a war with Iran because he has absolutely no ability to negotiate.

Guys I mean you can dismiss the comment but that's from the author of the art of the deal.

How do you respond. I would say that it's one of the dumbest things I've ever really are a loser. What an idiot. What a jerk. Low IQ. He's a low IQ individual. Well, sir, I can't disagree. You know, there have been many who have been saying for some time, you know, I'm wondering, we may have disagreements about how long this is going to last or what the ultimate objectives are, but I think we all agree that sending American men and women into harm's way is the gravest decision any American president can make.

I think the American people wish Godspeed to our soldiers, wisdom to our leaders, and a just peace that accommodates and recognizes the humanity of all those. I'm sorry, am I boring you? Oh, President Donald Trump, am I boring, Donald Trump, can you believe this guy?

Oh, for fuck's sake! Does anyone on the panel wanna jump in and,

oh my God! You're all, wake up! All of you!

Son of a bitch! You know what, I didn't want to have to do this, but... how's the ballroom renovation going?

I think they're going to make the ballroom at the White House. The White House is famous for ballrooms.

They've been needed for 150 years. They've been nice to us.

The White House is wonderful.

I think I'll save money on the doors, because it can't get more beautiful than that. because it can't get more beautiful than that.

Thank you for clarifying all of our questions on this fresh war.