KT #742 - SAM TRIPOLI + TIM BUTTERLY

🎵 This is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? How we doing everybody? Wow! Unbelievable. That's the great Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, and Carlos Sosa. How we doing everybody? Is everything good? We just lost you there. Got real quiet. You guys happy to be here? Almost seems like something happened with the audio or something that threw everybody off or something. Did you notice that? No you didn't? Alright. I guess I'm the only one paying attention. No, we're good. No, don't worry about a thing, right, man?

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from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. And now we're on our first commercial break.

What happened with the audio?

The audio on mic one wasn't on upon arrival. Yeah, the number one rule. Keno, do you have a spotlight for yourself so that you could light yourself up right now?

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Anything can happen This is the greatest live show in the world. I pride myself on being an unbelievable booker of guests, and this week it is the motherfucking boys. One is, oh, they're both two of the greatest stand-ups in the world. One got my fucking career started at the Comedy Store 18 and a half years ago by taking me on the road,

showing me how the fuck it's done. One of my first ever favorite comedians in the world and he is in Austin, Texas. The other one lives in Austin. One of the most powerful comedians moved here. We love him. Make some fucking noise for the great Sam Tripoli and Tim Butterly, everybody.

Sam Tripoli is back.

Tim Butterly is back.

Oh boy.

Da da da da da. Sam Tripoli is on tour, the Tinfoil Hat podcast, the Broken Simulations podcast, the Deep Waters podcast. A lot of conspiracy podcasts going on with the great Sam Tripoli. Sam, how are you? I'm doing you great I love your sweet voice brother thank you it's good to be able to hear enough his mic that's right it's good to hear it how about a hand

for the great Tim Butterly everybody Tim Butterly has dad meat is his podcast and the Tim Butterly show he's on tour as well Tim butterly calm hi Tim

I'm just playing it's working. I'm just kidding don't hold on now. I'm just I thought it would be so funny He had a second bitch meltdown. Yeah

Dare you keen out?

How dare you I wanted to steal that so badly what? Do it Dare you I wanted to steal that so badly with Let him do it

That's very sweet of you. Thank you, sir

We're gonna have a blast you guys have been on the show numerous times Sam was one of the first guests ever on the show thirteen and a half years ago Tonight over 300 human beings signed up They are crammed in together at a bar next door Hoping and praying that their name gets pulled out of this bucket. If they do, they get 60 seconds.

I'm uninterrupted, you know the time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. Okay, that's a joke, guys. I mean, you're all fucking—you're all literally hacks right now. By the way, it was on a fucking commercial break. Nobody knows what jokes you're fucking making. Nobody knows.

You're playing for the stupid 250 people instead of 4 million, you fucking retards.

Jesus Christ.

God.

I'm on your side, dude.

Fuck.

All right.

You hear the sound of getting wrapped up in or springing up angry with Sollywood?

There you go.

I'm gonna let this pedophile pick the first The blatant pedo in the front All right, send it a one-word name that's gonna be fun while we go wrangle that comedian ladies and gentlemen We have one of the great golden ticket winners Literally what many say including myself the greatest kill Tony golden ticket winner of all time Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the super powerful Martin Phillips everybody I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. Sorry, my bad. I'm drunk.

Okay. Wait, well, on Halloween, I like to make my own candy to pass out,

because it's creative and it's way easier to put razor blades in. Okay. I saw this apple juice. easier to put razor blades in. Ah, okay. I saw this apple juice. It was called an Adam and Eve apple juice,

and I was like, not falling for that one. Don't break me down with you. Okay, anyway, speaking of removing the rib, we all know, rib, we all know,

exactly, we all know that I take out a rib, I can suck my own dick, but what I do, I take out another rib so I can eat my own ass. You know, like, why stop at the dick? Keep going. Hey, I wanna lick my back, you know?

And people get frustrated with me. Like, is your head up your ass? And I'm like, I'm trying. I'm like, give me time.

Okay.

That's it, okay.

Martin Phillips. Hi, Martin. What's up? How are you today? I'm good. That's good. What's been going on buddy? You're making it, you're on tour, you're out everywhere wobbling

around. Yeah, I've been so off from the beginning. Just wobbling around. What's been going on? What are your favorite cities you've been to? You know know after a while They all kind of blend together. I don't know it's like same thing same shit. You know but uh You know I know first of all half the shit already says didn't have He's taking by it the other day We had our gate had been changed, so he had to push me in a wheelchair

around the airport. And of course, Ari is just like, oh, I'm gonna get so much pussy off of it. Right? I was like, save some for me, dude.

Why don't you?

I love it. But sometimes I bring my dog with me, so if he pushes me in a wheelchair with a dog, we're unstoppable.

Yeah.

That is incredible.

Sam Tripoli.

Do you have groupies, dude?

Do you have groupies?

Oh, not too much. But you interested?

You interested? I want to watch you make love soies, dude? Do you have groupies? Oh, not too much. But you interested? You interested?

I want to watch you make love so badly, dude. I want to watch you fuck one time.

I'm so happy somebody wants to watch me fuck. I'll pay for it, dude. I'll pay for it. Okay, all right. Cool.

We'll get some top shelf hooker ass to just watch you go to town.

Port name, Meaty Marty. Ooh, Meaty Marty.

Hello.

I'm hard.

Yeah, what would one expect from watching a sex tape with the great Martin Phillips?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

How would you describe your rhythm when you make love? Is it broken robot type?

What?

Just going with the bag out of the ocean. Out the ocean. I don't know oh yeah you know it's got to

be dynamite pussy oh yeah oh yeah for sure that's a human civian yeah for sure sick what's the longest you've ever lasted while having sexual intercourse

with a woman I mean I've never like timed it.

You had to give it a ballpark.

It felt like an eternity to me. I don't know.

Imagine how she feels.

I love it.

What else is going on Martin?

Tell us more. You know, just chill man.

Gearing up for Halloween? Do you have big Halloween plans?

That's one day of the year where everyone walks like a zombie. You know, just chill man. Gearing up for Halloween? Do you have big Halloween plans?

That's one day of the year where everyone walks like a zombie.

Yeah, I know. During the apocalypse, I'll be safe, you know. I'm not allowed to worry about things. So, yeah. But I don't have any plans yet. I'm in town though, So, you got a party. Let's go. My mom sent me candy.

So, I got my candy.

Wow. What kind of candy did she send you?

Oh, man. I got my Reese's. Oh, my God.

They say there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.

How do you eat a Reese's?

No, just... whole thing in, baby.

Wow, look at that. See, I go edges first. I nibble on the edges. And then I take the round coin, the perfectly round coin, and I shove it up my ass. I shove it up my ass.

I knew that was how yeah you ate it yeah that's sober but I would relapse to do coke with you I would love to see yeah how hard you just hang out there you get we can fuck we can do coke yeah hell yeah we can do it all you know Have you done coke before? I have not done coke actually. No I have not. The night is young bro. The night is young. Listen, who is of all the handicapped people, who's the best in bed? If you could just bang, is it the blind person? Oh, it's so Pacific.

Like, I was gonna say D-Madness.

Is the handicapped person?

D-Madness is right behind you, by the way. He's blind, Sam.

The guy behind you is blind. I know when I see blind black people. They're not hard to see. They're always making sure you see them all the time.

I'm blind!

They always do do that, don't they?

What's up with that?

They're always very seen people.

That is interesting.

But that's type? Any type of any high person? That's the question? Yeah. Okay, well, first of all, I was with mustard dystrophy, fucking smashing all the time.

So we got that. Deaf people, you don't even have to hear the lady. So that's probably good.

What about clubbed foot?

You know, they don't really have to use their foot in bed. And so yeah, they're probably kind of normal with it. I haven't done studies on this.

I haven't.

It's not my porn category or anything. We want want you to we want you to do a study and next time you come on We expect a full report. Okay. Sure. Okay, perfect

Ladies and gentlemen make some noise for Martin Phillips everybody. He got the party started the undisputed golden ticket Tyrant Martin Phillips like the Jerry Lewis of fucking handicapped this name is a one-word name it is written in ink over and over and over

again if we did a handwriting study on what this person is going to be like I can tell you I've been doing this job a long time a long time I pull a name out and I see the handwriting the fucking energy of this this should be interesting make some noise everyone for Stevie Stevie

Patia Beach Thailand I'm standing out in the front of the girls go-go club and I can't wait to go inside here's what I saw first girl comes out completely naked have really great chest hair though and has one of them big fat magic markers slips it into her woo-woo squats down and wiggles out welcome USS Denver next girl comes out completely naked makes her way over to my table and just using her meat curtain blows a candle out of my table. Then she takes a whistle out of her hair, puts it down on her gyner box and bangs out the Marine Corps hem. And if that wasn't enough, she gets a whole pack of smokes going and you guessed it,

her vajayjay blew the sexiest pussy smoke rings I've ever seen. Next girl comes out, takes turns landing ping pong balls into each of our drinks using just a juicy can in the shoot reload technique. Next girl, I swear she had to have lip burns because she pulled like 40 yards of rainbow color yarn out of her tie pinocchio as her friend ran it around all the stripper poles. Oh, and let me, ah.

I didn't even get to the banana or the darts. Thank you so much.

Wow. Somehow, exactly one minute. Oh my God, Stevie, welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct?

Yes it is, yes it is.

Nice to see you, pal. How long you been doing comedy?

Since the fourth grade.

Okay.

Very good.

My mom had to come and sit behind me in school

so I wouldn't be like, hey, look at me, I'm funny.

Ha ha ha ha.

So sorry about that. It's been a while.

She know you have a Coke problem.

Well, yeah.

She got me a shirt that says Woke and Coke, so I love that shirt.

Did she really?

Yeah, no, I just made that up on the spot, sorry.

Okay. made that up on the spot. Sorry. Good, Stevie. How long have you been doing standup comedy?

Standup comedy, about three years.

Three years, all of it here in Austin?

No, I started out in Arizona after some people tried to rob my place. I ended up talking them out of robbing my place and made them laugh. We ate pizza, smoked a bunch of pot.

It was great.

Is that true? Yeah, that actually... Explain to us exactly what happened. It's the middle of the night, day, what is it?

Alright, so here we go.

By the way, Stevie is soaking wet, by the way. For those of you just listening to the podcast, perhaps you're getting some work done and just playing it in the background. His upper lip is drenched, his face is retaining the weight of the water. It appears as though there's so much toxicity in his sweat that it's not respecting gravity whatsoever. Somehow it's accumulating in a pile as if though he's laying horizontally.

This is incredible. Tim Butterly, you got a closer look at that sweat. Can you describe it for the people? There's an almost imperceptible twitch on the upper lip.

That is probably the most frightening part of the entire ensemble.

You're completely lacquered in part of the entire ensemble.

You're completely lacquered in layers of moisture right now. It is the layers.

How do you spell ensemble?

I mean, that's like a grown-up third grade word, right?

Bro, you look like both Ice and the Illegal.

I'm here to get you!

Here we go!

One Mexican, two Mexican, three... Wait, sorry, I did that wrong. Uno, dos, tres...

Alright, so Stevie, go ahead and now is the time to tell us about the robbery in which you made friends with the people.

Alright, so I'm sitting at home, it must be about 1.30 in the morning, and I'm watching porn because that's what I do. I love myself some porn. And all of a sudden, my porn goes out. Whoa, what the hell? So this is Arizona, and I know that everything's hot outside,

so I go outside to where it's like 140 degrees, and there's a person standing on my workbench ripping off my TV. the light on she turns around and looks at me she goes oh shit so I said wait hold on let me get my dog secured and once I got them secured I went ahead and got her down and then her man started beating on the garage and I was like well tell your man I'm not calling the cops just be cool just be cool so what color are these people I believe it's my understanding you're not allowed to ask

me about that anymore.

Okay, Stevie, very funny. Answer the fucking question.

They were both of Latino descent.

Okay, very good. All right, go ahead.

All right, so once I open up the garage, he comes in, he's madder than shit, ready to beat my ass, and I look at her and I look at him and they're like Okay, what we're gonna do it's like I'm not gonna call the cops. Are you guys hungry and look to me? It's like yeah, we're hungry. So I got pizza. I just finished cooking it. Let's grab the pizza I'll bring the pizza out slam it down and he goes to town He eats like three pieces and she eats one piece then they both start crying and then I had to start about Thailand again to get them to laugh. Why were they crying? Because they felt bad they were in my place ripping off my shit.

And they had to hear your comedy, right?

Yeah.

They're actually wiping his sweat out of their eyes. in one word, what would you? Well, two words, maybe. Actually, a hundred. Wet and loud. I call it fast forward. That's what your comedy is, fast forward. You're doing 10 minutes in a minute. I love it.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Okay, Stevie, what do you do for a living, exactly?

What I am is I'm into race cars, so I find myself going to different race car crews at different race...

Uh-huh.

I find myself going to different race teams for different racing events, and I help them

do stuff for the car.

So wait, what the fuck do you mean? What exactly do you do in the race world? What's your job?

Math.

That's what he does.

He deals math.

What's the exact job Stevie stick with me here what's your job how do you make money all right

so on the weekends when there is a race is about two maybe three all right red

band that's enough of a tense game show music go ahead about two or three

raking two or three races a month is about what I get to pull off and it's going set up their

T-shirts and shit and the can it there it is you do merch for racecar drivers. That's a great way to put it Yes, yes, it is title of the job. I love it. I love it and you're able to survive off doing that

Yes, how do you survive? It's just me. There's nobody else in the family. It's just me

So what have you ever been married before?

I was, I was.

It didn't work very good because I'm bad at relationships.

Explain to us exactly what went wrong in that relationship.

I talked way too fast.

Okay.

She didn't get half the stuff I wanted when we were having sex. I was like, no, here, now. That's the way to have her. Leg this way, all right, up. Okay? And she didn't like that. She wanted something slow.

Did you ever once just make love to her?

I think twice.

Okay.

Did you ever try not talking?

That's why I'm alone, big brother.

Wow, you're so scary. Stevie, what do you do for fun when you're not working in the race world? What's a fun fact about Stevie that would surprise us all?

There's three things that I love. I love me some dogs, I love me some remote control crap,

and I love me a 50-year-old woman who smokes and hates men.

Wow. Stevie, ladies and gentlemen, absolutely incredible.

Stevie.

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

What's one more crazy fun fact about your life that would surprise us about you?

I fought wildfire.

You fought wildfire? Yeah.

Just one? No, I got to spend some time on a hot shot crew and actually run around the nation fighting wildfire.

They hung him from a helicopter and wrung him out.

The great Tim Butterly, ladies and gentlemen. Stevie, up here, here it comes. It's a little joke book, buddy. Thank you, thank you. There he goes. Stevie, everyone. There he goes. Stevie. I knew he was gonna be wild. Oh, the great Heidi.

Let me just remind everyone that I kind of guessed that. If you remember me saying he wrote his name a thousand times over itself, I mean, that is literally, he is that handwriting. You see what I was saying? Fucking crazy, you see that? literally he is that handwriting. You see what I was saying? Fucking crazy.

You see that?

How manic is that?

That's ransom font, right?

Yeah, exactly. Well, well, well, hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Bluetooth. Guys, enter the room dick first. Bluetooth isn't just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch.

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Wow, red band.

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we're gonna meet her all together.

Make some noise for Annie Teicher, or Teacher perhaps. I've been dating and it's been pretty bad. I'm not gay but I'm getting there. I just seem to like the worst guys. I feel like this is a good example. The last guy I dated, one time I was over at his house,

I fell down the stairs and he shushed me.

And I know, I know what you're thinking.

Wow, you were dating someone with a two-story home. I messed up. But dating is confusing. I'll go on a date and end up texting him, hey, we can't get to know each other if you don't come back from the bathroom. And I am done telling these guys I do comedy.

Oh! Oh my gosh!

Okay.

I am done telling these guys that I do comedy, okay? I'm done. They're always like, oh no way, are you funny? And I'm like. Okay, like oh no way are you funny and I'm

like okay Annie we're gonna cut you out there sorry we had some audio issues there

red band she's a victim of domestic violence she shouldn't have done that

Annie that was a fantastic set. Congratulations. How about another hand for Annie? Great stuff. I remember you. You've been on this show before, and it was very, very, very much fun. You had a couple very viral moments, and I remember them well because they pop up, and I see them sometimes. You famously, I identified you as one of the whitest white women

in the history of the show, and I said, what of the whitest white women in the history of the show. And I said, what is the blackest thing about you? And you answered.

I shop at Ross.

And the clips, I mean, the crowd went wild. It was a whole thing. I think I asked you another one too, right?

What was it?

Most Latina.

The most Latina thing about you.

And what was that answer?

I draw my eyebrows on.

Wow.

Just honest and amazing. Absolutely perfect. How's comedy been going for you, Annie?

It's been going well. I'm enjoying it. And it's been great.

You live here in Austin?

How do you make money?

I'm a golf professional at a country club in the suburbs.

Oh, amazing. That's right. Incredible. Anything crazy happen at the golf course lately? Any wildly racist moments or anything?

Nothing overtly racist. I saw somebody fall backwards. You're a golfer, right? Yeah. So he had one foot out of the bunker, one foot in. There was a hill behind him.

He was trying to get out of the bunker. Yeah. Exactly. And he whiffed the shot and he fell backwards down the hill.

Amazing.

I love it.

Did you tell him?

Shh. Yes.

Annie, you're so cool. How's dating life in real life? You're actually single? Why do you think you have a problem getting a man?

Boy. Uh...

What's the last date you went on? When was that?

It was in January.

Okay, and what exactly did you do in January? How did you meet this guy?

We met on Hinge. Okay.

And uh...

What did he do? He took you to a restaurant or something?

We got drinks and I was pretty bored.

Okay, why exactly were you bored? What is that noise? Stop that. Whoever's doing that.

I just, it was, it was just him telling me about him.

And then I was there to kind of listen to it. Yeah, what was he telling you? him telling me about him.

And then I was there to kind of listen to it.

Yeah, what was he telling you?

That he's thinking about getting a dog.

Was his name Stevie?

No.

OK, good.

So how'd the date end?

I said, thank you.

Amazing. Okay, good. So how'd the date end? I said, uh, thank you. Ha ha ha.

Amazing. Amazing. So, you know, are you content being alone? Do you like being alone?

Yeah, I'm pretty happy.

Yeah.

What do you do to kill the time? What, how do you, you make, like, homemade candles or something like that?

Yes, yes. It's very sad. And I do it, yeah, just me and the wax.

No, what do you really do?

OK, so yeah, I work and I just do comedy.

I've been doing this as much as I can.

Nice.

When you go on a date, do you have, like, different eyebrows, like, sexy, like, like... Like, one's up like the Verizon logo, you know?

Come on.

Red band, why would you do that? This is an innocent woman, and I don't know why you would offend her like that. Do you do wacky things with your eyebrows?

I... yeah, depends on who I'm going out with. You do excited ones sometimes so

that you sound interested when the guy's telling you that he's thinking about

getting a dog you're just like yeah yeah I want him to. One just up where it always

looks like you're questioning them do you ever do that where you're just like

hmm. That comes naturally yeah. Sam's Armenian so if you went on a date with him, you could just take a Sharpie and just go one big line across.

Ah.

I love it. Annie, I found your set to be incredible, so incredible. Have you been on the mic here? Is Adam the Booker here seeing you?

I went on the open mic last week, and I got called back, and I just did it before this.

Perfect.

So everything's happening exactly as I think it should be going. This is correct. Adam has good taste. You're good enough for Adam to like you. What's the longest set you've done? Uh, 20 minutes. Red band? I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. And you already have a big joke book, right Annie? You already have one of these, right?

Boom, there goes Annie Teicher, everyone. That could be one of the top young rising comedians in the world, that's how it works. They're coming here to Austin, it's all happening. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Could be the next superstar, could be an insane person.

It's Rise James Carmen everybody

Usually it's only the fucking Asians that fuck my name up my name's Reese

Anyway Thanks for being here guys, but by the way Austin Texas what the fuck's going on? I'm Australian if you don't know I'm not fucking British Anybody yep Austin, Texas. What the fuck's going on? I'm Australian. If you don't know, I'm not fucking British. Anybody? Yep. So I first get into America. I get into fucking Dallas, get into fucking Austin. I get picked up by a fucking Waymo. Those driverless fucking cars. You seen those? I don't want to fucking get picked up by a Waymo. I want to get picked up by a Mexican with a cracked window. Your homeless people out here are fucking pretty wild.

I mean, I'm in fucking Melbourne, right? Melbourne's got a lot of homeless people. Your homeless people are very specific. I got asked for 54 cents. I had to do the conversion in my head. It worked out to be about a dollar 30.

That's about 30 cents over my empathy budget, bro. And that's, I think, about all I got cuz I did not think I was gonna get picked tonight motherfucker I was doing fucking shots next door in fucking Shakespeare so all right

eight cuss words in 60 seconds from Reese is that what you're saying?

R-E-E-C-E or R-H-Y-S yeah well why do you spell it R-H-E-C-E. Spell it R-E-E-C-E or R-H-Y-S. Yeah. Well, why do you spell it R-H-Y-S? Well, I don't know if you know how your names get fucking made, Tony, but my mom gave it to me.

Yeah, but you get mad every time somebody doesn, you already have a little attitude, huh?

I got a fucking attitude.

Those fucking mandatory COVID boosters got you confident, huh?

Oh my God.

Wow, look at you coming in.

Oh, my name is fucking Reese, you idiot. Normally a Tunisian would call me that.

I want a fucking of it. Okay. All right, I guess so Okay, so Rhys

Where exactly are you from? I'm from Melbourne, Australia, man. Thank you very much for this opportunity. This is really sick I did not think this was gonna happen. My girlfriend's backstage with me. I said, love you. Fuck. This is gonna happen. My girlfriend's backstage with me. Said, love you, fuck, this is sick.

Okay, that's, see, that's a lot nicer. You're dialing back a little bit. You're appreciative for the moment that I gave you.

I had to, I had to come out with a lot of energy because I was freaking out, bro.

You're doing good, you're doing good. So tell us about your life. How long you been doing standup? Six months. Six months. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think seven maybe now.

Yeah.

Okay. Any day now it's going to be seven.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What do you do for a living Reece?

I'm in sales. I'm a recruiter.

I think you guys call them head hunters here. A recruiter. Yo. All right. What are you recruiting exactly? plug them because they don't pay me enough for that. But they're a great company and shout out to Low Market Elevate.

I like it, I like it.

All right, what a plug it was. Tim Butterly.

They'll love it. You can't understand a single word I'm fucking saying,

can you?

No, not one, but if we could get the phonetic spelling of that company and look up their reviews,

I think that might be nice.

Yeah. Hey, great company. Is it really? Yeah, well, I'm, mate, I've just taken three weeks off to go, like, here. Actually, we accidentally booked at the same time as the Grand Prix. Yeah. And I wanted to come specifically to Austin to do comedy and to go to the mothership. And this is the most expensive trip ever, but it's so good. And they gave me, like, I've got good time off, good people, good support. So yeah. Okay.

How long have you been with this girlfriend of yours?

We've been together for a year.

Okay.

Does she do stand up too?

No, she doesn't. She just has to listen to my bullshit every fucking day.

Right.

What does she do? She's a, actually she's a, she manages a really good gym. in around the world internationally and we went to the one in the grove maybe this morning I don't know

did you describe your girlfriend as a big dog? yeah yeah yeah yeah she's Croatian and jacked bro yeah she's jacked

is she really jacked?

yeah she's fucking got 14% body fat bro

is she really backstage right now?

yeah can we get her?

right there yeah let's get her out here let's get her out here. Let's get her out. What's her name? Laura, let's get her out here. What's her name? Laura Matatek.

Laura Matatek. Laura Matatek. All right, send her out.

Yes, this is going to be great.

Have her sign a waiver.

Yeah, please.

Send her out. Right now I propose just get on your knee. You fucked it. You fucked it. Yeah, you yelled at Tony. I'm She does let's do this. Yeah, that's another let's do it's gonna be there get on

Yeah, just fake it and then she'll hate you too. Hold on play cool. I just heard the door closed I heard the door closed. She's gonna come. I don't think we should do this I'm gonna have babies and gentlemen mom's gonna hate me for this. What's her name again?

Laura.

Laura.

Yeah.

Where is she right now? Australia? Where is she?

I don't know.

She's with the black guy.

We've been, okay.

Alright, Red Band. Jesus Christ.

I didn't even hear that. Red Band's got no chance with her anyway, so.

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, what's her name again?

My name? No. Her name or my name?

Yeah.

I'm confused. Reese, I'm Reese, her name's Laura.

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Laura.

Laura!

Thank you, Sora!

What's going on?

She doesn't want to come up?

She's next door. Oh. oh, oh, it's okay. You said she's backstage. Oh, actually, apparently if you get an Aussie to do a shooey, it's like a major thing, yeah? Alright, Ruz. No, don't do one. You want to do one?

I'll do a fucking shooey, I don't give a shit. Alright, let's do a shooey. You wanna do one? I'll do a fucking shoo-ee, I don't give a shit. All right, let's do a shoo-ee.

You got a beer?

Yeah, give me a beer.

All right, we need a beer. We got a beer back there, Heidi?

Has any Aussie done a shoo-ee on?

Yeah, like 10 times. Let's not do it, let's not do it. The big dog ladies and gentlemen

Look at this happy couple my goodness. I'm Anna. I don't know how we manifested this. This is crazy. Oh

God, you didn't manifest anything

My random curiosity you said that she was built like a brick house or whatever and so big dog cool

You you were describing a muscle mommy. Yeah, you got called

40% body fat

Can you can you flex for us

Wait, what do I want you to flex? What do you got? Yeah, let's see that fucking cock. Am I right? Yeah! Alright, I missed it. That was quick. Alright, we got a beer. Come on, Heidi.

Yeah, I've got to do a shoo-ee, babe.

I've got to do a shoo-ee now. Hey babe, I got myself a bit of a pretty commitment. I've got to do a shoo-ee and, uh... The name's Reese, not Rice. Wow yeah I heard it's real what I heard yeah her tits are real and the place is made out of cotton candy do the fucking shoe ebro Jesus Christ I heard it's real I've never seen anything like that before

representing Australia that's what they're famous for ladies and gentlemen out of like, Shakespeare. Wow. Representing Australia. That's what they're famous for, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you that don't know, that is their contribution to planet Earth, drinking a beer out of a shoe.

That's my second shoey. My first shoey was last night at Shakespeare's.

Wow. Yeah.

Look at that.

Wow. Now we need new shoes.

Now you can call your girlfriend cunt and she laughs right? Is that how it goes?

It depends. Hang on.

Like, oh you're a cunt.

This is like an education about Australia. So like you need to, it's how you deliver it and it's your facial expressions.

Show me good then show me bad.

Alright so Tony you're a fucking cunt.

That's good? Yeah, no it's bad. Okay. And then you go, and then you go, babe, you're fucking a hot cunt. You know? All right, I'm kind of sick of you guys. Is it, is it because you haven't found love yet?

I'm gonna throw two little joke books at the same time. Let's see if you guys can catch them. Ready? One, two, three.

Crikey.

Count it. That counts. All right, there he goes, Reese James Carmen, congratulations to the Australian couple that really gave us no interesting content of any kind. That interview was what I call bad. But we did our best. Heidi ended up having bigger muscles and tits

than his girlfriend. The muscles are real. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Danny Yang, everybody. We're going to meet Danny Yang right now here on Killtube.

Hey, people. What's up, man? How's it going? All right. Awesome, man. You know, people, what's up man? How's it going? Alright, awesome man. You know, people, I found out the word chink is an actual word, right? Not just a common greeting that I had in high school. Yeah. No, seriously man, chink, if you look it up, man, it means dent or crack. Alright? Yeah, yeah. But the common phrase is, chink in the armor, which was kind of disconcerting because like earlier this year, like when I went to like the

Renaissance fair, right? Yeah. Cause like I went as a knight. Right? I went as a knight, right? Yeah. And there were somebody's trying to hit it. Yeah. Somebody's getting it. Humor apparently to this crowd is the chink in the armor. But no, no, no. So what happens, right?

They tell me, like, you got to go as something a little bit more Asian appropriate, right? So you know, next year, I'm not going to go as a knight, right? I'm going to go as a king. Yeah, obviously a short king, you know, because that's Asian. But, um, thank you. Somebody got that?

Okay.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

Thank you, people.

All right, Danny Yang. That's a bad word you were saying.

Oh, come, come.

Hi, Danny. How are you? How long you been doing standup?

Uh, give or take like 13 years.

13 years. Wow. Where at? San Francisco?

Oh my god. You're telling me San Francisco. Okay.

Ooh. Ooh, you're telling me San Francisco.

That's some kind of obscene shit you're getting at me? No. Not today, Diddy. Nah.

Danny. Sorry.

Danny, where you been doing standup ads? It's a simple question.

I'm sorry.

Fucking attitudes on these people today. It's unbelievable. They're all gonna be working with Kino next week on the nowhere, nothing burger show.

No, I started in Dallas, but now I'm in New York.

New York, New York. Very good

Yeah, I love it what do you do for a living I

Work for a cancer clinic a cancer clinic. Oh my goodness. It's a dealing out pills. Okay

You're an Asian nurse. No. Oh, do I look Filipino? No, I'm not Asian. Yes, you look Filipino.

Alright, well.

You look like you've filled a few pinos before.

My God.

Do I fucking look Filipino? Are you gay, Danny?

No, I am not. Please don't spread that rumour. Come on, dude.

Danny, welcome to my world, buddy.

Oh, this is incredible.

Is this what I'm like? Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. No, I'm starting to get it.

Yeah.

Starting to get it. So, Danny, do you get that a lot? Because you have some, like, feminine energies.

Oh, my God, yeah.

I love how you react to everything. Everything's just, oh, fuck. Oh, God, how dare you? Fucking San Francisco, fucking shove it up my ass.

Oh, it's bad, man.

It's bad.

Look at you. All right, so Danny, do you have a girlfriend?

No, no, I'm divorced.

Okay, how long were you married for? 12 years, that's it. Wow. She love you long time. Yeah Was she Asian as well? No, she she was a Texan. She was a what Texan? Oh, okay Okay, a white Texan Wow. Yeah, that's a rare right? Yeah. Yeah. Where'd you meet this? Where'd you meet that girl at? I met her online. Okay. I was in New York, she was in Texas,

then we kind of, you know, it was like one of those things. Wow, look at that. And you

guys were just, you know, chatting online and then you went and visited her, she came

up to New York. She came up to New York first. And then, like, you know, we couldn't afford to live in New York.

So we went back to, you know, lived in Dallas.

OK.

Look at that.

Wow.

And then, OK. So why did the divorce happen? Where did things go wrong with you and this sweet little white Texan?

Oh, my god.

It's, it's god it's oh my god I don't even I can't even fucking get started Tony she's the fucking Christ the list goes on and on and on Tony there's all Texan women in here I'm not gonna say she is no you go right ahead you go right ahead you say this shit be honest she was good she was a

great person. It's just like I had to do something with my life. You know, besides like, you know, just hanging out at like, you know, friggin' Whataburger.

Right. You can't just hang out at Whataburger. No doubt about it. That's what she wanted to do. Did she get a little chubby as the years went on?

Yeah.

Yeah, she did. Danny Yang's like, no fucking way. Oh my god, bitch. Bitch. Bitch, get it together. Too much fucking Whataburger, bitch.

I love it.

Yeah. There's all the sound effects of their relationship. But you didn't make any kids, huh?

No, no, no.

No, you didn't fucking throw some cream cheese in her wonton?

No.

Come on, nobody wants those half-breeds in Texas.

No, nobody wants what?

Those half-breeds in Texas.

Oh my goodness gracious. I think there's a lot of half-

Asian racism right there

Yeah, we need half Asian half whites with our booming tech industry

Well, it's like how indecisive are you gonna be either make like a round eye or you know slanted? You know, it's just unless I mix it like Asian and whites make hot hot kids Well, it's always like somebody's winking right one. I Love it. Are you a hundred percent Chinese Danny Yang I'm from Taiwan oh perfect so yes yeah yeah basically yeah soon to be China yeah soon to be yeah you got it though. I'm not going back there for a while.

Wow.

Amazing, Danny.

When's the last time you were there?

Oh, God, I was a kid, man.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, they were throwing me on a boat getting me out of there.

All right. That's an odd way to travel to China, but okay. I like it. What do you do for fun, Danny? You seem like you have some interesting hobbies.

Well, yeah, I mean...

Sucky, sucky.

Oh, my God, Red Band. Red Band, why would you do that to him? This is an innocent man who's just trying his best. I don't know why you would embarrass him like that. Do you sucky sucky? Pfft! Depends on how much you have on you.

Okay.

It's gotten that bad.

Oh, my God.

All right, so where are we at with the hobbies there, Danny? Oh, I'm a screenwriter.

I'm here for the Austin Film Festival.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, I'm here as a writer.

Oh, wow, okay. You wrote a movie? Um, what? You wrote a screenplay that's in the festival?

Yeah, I wrote a screenplay.

What's it about?

Uh, crime.

Oh, God. Oh, fuck.

Tony, why do you ask these questions?

I'm fucking straight.

I'm Danny Yang. Fucking bitch.

All right, go ahead.

What's the screenplay about?

I got two in. That's what she said, right? Your wife probably did.

Yeah, hey!

He doesn't have strap-on energy, everybody?

I actually have a dick.

I don't need a strap-on, man.

I mean, in your butt.

Alright, they're called cucumbers, you know?

Alright, they're called cucumbers, you know? Actually have a dick I don't need a strap on man. I mean in your butt

All right, they're called cucumbers, you know, oh

Yeah, my god. What the hell what the hell I

Love you, Danny. You're a funny guy, dude. I have to go to San Francisco now, man. Oh my my god let's go you know let's go called it love love and lost and that's it yeah I love it Danny so other than screenplays you seem like a guy you have a fish tank I'm getting fish tank energies from you do you have a fish tank empty I don't have a fish tank you don't have a fish tank have you ever no no my dad had one your dad had one that's that's what I'm feeling I goes feeling fish tank it You don't have a fish tank. Have you ever? No, no, my dad had one. Your dad had one. That's, that's what I'm feeling. I guess feeling fish tank, it's clearly coming from your father.

Oh yeah, yeah. What's your favorite karaoke song? I like that Elvis. A little bit,

a little more conversation. A little less. A little lessation, a little more action. Whoa. I'm going to raise the satisfaction in me.

Wow.

I like that one.

Look at that.

And Gagnum style, obviously.

Yeah.

Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha.

God, you're funny, Danny Yang. I like you.

Well, flattery will get you everywhere with me into San Francisco, I guess.

I love it.

I love it. So tell us more. How long ago was the divorce?

It was, it's going on like five years now.

And have you been dating women since then?

Not with the gay rumors, man.

Have you been dating women since the divorce?

No, no.

I've been on a few dates and they've been horrible.

It's New York. Really? Can you tell us about a bad date? Can you give us an example of one that you hated?

Well, I kind of went on one where it was another comedian, but she would not engage with jokes. It was like having like an outer body experience You know, it was just like do they not have humor like where you're from and you know

And she didn't think that was funny. I was like, obviously not, you know She wasn't having any fun. Is this another white girl? Yeah, you've ever been with a black woman. No, no, not yet Oh, yeah. Have you been with the Latina before? No, I don't... no.

Have you ever been with anything other than a white?

Actually, no.

Really? Have you ever been with an Asian woman?

I have only been with white women, now that I think about it.

Look at you. Look at this guy. This is like a...

Betraying your race. That's me.

I love it. It's gotta be hard for you to make love to Asian women. It's like looking at yourself, right?

Yeah.

Two Wongs don't make a right.

Oh my god.

Danny, I feel like I could talk to you forever. How long you in Austin for? Probably till like Halloween, November 1st.st I love to have you on secret show Thursday thank you so much make some noise for Danny everybody Danny Yang Danny Yang all, we're having fun.

How about a hand for Heidi? She has a new podcast, Love on the Line with the great Valerie Vaughn. We love Heidi. Look at Heidi, fixing Keno's problems for him. It's some duct tape.

The number one live podcast in the world brought to you by duct tape This episode is actually brought to you by talk space as you could tell some people really need the help Go to talkspace.com use the promo code kill Tony save your own mental health All right your next bucket pool, everybody. We're flying through them tonight.

You guys still having fun out there? All right, make some noise for David Wayne, everybody. It's David Wayne.

♪♪

I used to have a job where I read a lot of police reports, and sometimes in the police reports, the arresting officer would write in the narrative, my body-worn camera was active during the arrest.

Then if I wrote out that whole phrase,

they would abbreviate it, so it would read, my BWC was active during the arrest. Yeah, if you're laughing at that, you're my people. If you're not laughing at that, you're still my people, just haven't been corrupted by the internet yet. Because if you're unaware in porn, BWC stands for Big White Cock. Yeah, so now Davey reads a police report

as my Big White Cock was active during the arrest. And every one of those, there was always an additional charge for resisting officer. Yeah, no shit, dude.

This guy's coming to me holding his nightstick and his baton. He was yelling out wild shit like, Blue shoes matter. It's crazy.

Hell yeah, dude.

So obviously if you couldn't tell by looking at me, it's pretty obvious from the set as well that I really enjoy titty fucking.

I do.

I just hate when the lube gets matted up in my chest hair.

You guys have been great. Thank you.

David Wayne.

Welcome, David. Is this your first time on the show? Yes, yes it is. I love it. Welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Like ten total, but six series.

Okay. Where at?

Tampa.

Tampa, Florida. Wow.

Shout out SodSplitters. Yeah, we love? Uh, Tampa. Tampa, Florida. Wow. Shout out, Sidesplitters.

Yeah, we love Sidesplitters.

Filthy Tampa.

We love it.

Is that where you're born and raised?

No, I'm from Virginia originally.

Okay, what made you pick Tampa?

Uh, I can't aff- uh, well, sorry.

Wow, alright.

You can't afford what? you asked me, why did you pick Austin? And that's what fucked me up. So Tampa was a girl, my ex-girlfriend.

Oh, okay. Everyone's exed up. What happened with this relation? How long were you with her for?

14 years.

Oh my God. A lot of long relationships coming to an end. What went wrong? You rolled over on top of her?

Yeah.

No, she was a big girl too.

Oh, okay. no she was a big girl too oh okay look at you a couple of yeah that work how

does it work you got to do the lift you know get in a lot of folds and flakes like origami you know you just get in there you're bending a lot do you each

pick a side to push all your meat dude I wish you wish that you did pick a side. Yeah amazing

So what went wrong with this? I started doing stand-up comedy. That's it. That'll do it basically I mean cuz this is you know This is like a relationship and she was a nurse and or is a nurse and she has a daughter So like I had to babysit but also like go out and do shit That's why I was only six years, for like the first three and a half years, I only got up like once a week, and you're not gonna get good doing that.

Right.

Okay, what do you do for a living?

I work in a mail room in town here.

Okay.

Tell more.

Yeah.

Like postal, Tony. Not a room filled with mail. Oh, no. We just checking all the packages. Steal coupons from TGI Fridays. Check all the packages? Tell me about it. Oh God, get Danny Yang up here again. That's all I dares.

Check packages. Oh, we got two gay. D-Madness is leaving. There he goes. Famous homophobe. The resident homophobe of the show. D-Madness. He's only allowed 20 gay jokes per episode.

There you go. The crowd goes wild for homophobia. What do you think about the gays, David Wayne?

I love them.

There you go. Good answer. Okay. What else do you do, David? What are your hobbies? Do you have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to probably win an oyster eating competition

I go to the gym shut the fuck up. I do what I swear. I swear God

I got just for the smoothies. What do you get? What do you what do you do at the gym exactly? I got out of a 14

I'm trying to slim this down actually lost 65 pounds so Wow

Amazing I got out of a 14, I'm trying to slim this down. I've actually lost 65 pounds, so. Wow. Thank you.

Amazing.

Amazing.

Amazing.

What exactly, take us through your routine at the gym. You go in with a gym bag?

Yeah, it's actually at my office.

So I get off work at five, I go up to the gym.

Just a completely inappropriate sound effect.

Go ahead. No, I just go to the gym, work out for about an hour and a half. I do the Stairmaster treadmill, then I walk down here, hit shows and mics and stuff, you know, when I can. So it's a lot of walking. I'm glad it's coming up on big man season.

It's about to get cold, so...

Yeah.

Yeah, it's hot here.

Amazing.

So now you live by yourself? No, I have a roommate. Oh, okay. They do comedy too?

Yeah.

Alright, and it's a two bedroom?

Uh, yeah, two bedroom, two bath.

Two bath!

Yeah.

Look at that, look at you, thriving.

Nobody wants to share a bathroom with me.

Right, exactly. You have any weird eating habits? Um... what's your poison what's your just your go-to when you're when you're feeling sad what do you cry and eat at the same time pussy yeah fuck yeah did you chip your tooth eating pussy yeah from Florida that's yeah that's some fucking Tampa dentistry right real fucking Real fucking Picasso of teeth. That's amazing, David.

Well, my goodness. When's the last time you were on a date, David?

Friday, this past Friday.

Oh wow, look at you, playboy.

Where'd you go on Friday?

We went out to a place off Congress, South Congress, and came back to my house.

Wow, look at you.

You closed it with her?

You lifted it up and did the thing?

Oh yeah, oh yeah. I got in there. Wow.

I got in there, baby.

First date slam, dog?

Well, we've been dating, but yeah. Wow. Because the 14 year relationship, I've only slept with like three people, so. Now four, I guess, so. Yeah, they slept with three people too at the same time.

That's you, your three people. Your three people. David, you're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book. Congratulations, David. Thank you, there he goes.

All right.

We're just gonna keep going through it. We don't have another regular until the end of the show, so we're going to get some extra bucket pulls up here today. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's KJ, everybody. We're going to meet KJ together.

Just two letters.

KJ.

Make some noise, Austin.

Let's go. Listen, guys, I love my girlfriend. I'm gonna marry my girlfriend, but she is a fucking retard I'm serious. Like I'm gonna write a book and call it. I'm in love with a retard Basically She goes around complaining Always fighting arguing with me.

This is chapter one. Basically, I'm telling you that what happened was she was shaving her pubes, right? Long story less long. She got an ingrown hair and then she's telling me it was herpes.

And I was like, what the fuck? And then she's like, when was the last time you ever got tested? And I was like, baby the fuck? And then she's like, when was the last time you ever got tested? And I was like, baby, I've been tested before. I never had herpes. I had chlamydia.

Those are two different things. And I remember when the doctor called me and told me, I was crying. Like, I was happy. Those were tears of joy.

I wasn't sad. I was just happy that I didn't have herpes that's my time thank you guys Wow all right Sam Tripoli was the only laugh in the room there at the end giving it up giving it up for another another dark hairy animal just like you Sam just like your brother hi people how are you what ethnicity are you exactly? I identify as Italian. I bet you do. Wouldn't that be nice. But what are you? I'm a Jumbie. You're what? Sick. Okay. Sick dude. Yeah. Fuck yeah. And do your parents know

you do stand-up? Yeah I remember when I told my dad he was like you're not gonna be fucking Russell Peters. Yeah. And he was like, be like a truck driver or something, right?

So how long you been doing it?

To be honest, I've been doing it for a while, but I've only gone on like maybe 10, 15 shows like open mics and stuff. I treated this like an open mic. That was the first time I ever performed that set probably the last time.

Right?

Yeah.

All right. I thought it would crush, I'm not gonna lie. I was so excited.

What was the punchline you thought was gonna get the big boom?

Uh, the...

You go, girlfriend's a retard.

I thought that was the setup, but I was actually, the part where I was like getting herpes and then getting chlamydia, I thought that was the setup but I was actually the the part where I was like getting herpes and then Getting chlamydia. I thought that was funny And that's all made up to I don't really have herpes or come Wow

Yeah, is your girlfriend cool with you bombing and telling everybody she has herpes. Is that cool?

Yeah, she's happy. I Just came here for fun. It's all fun. At the end of the day.

You're doing a good job, KJ.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a baggage handler. A baggage handler? Wow, they let you put bags on airplanes? Jesus fucking Christ. My God. You really do specialize in bombing and all jobs. This is incredible.

That is not right. That is not right. That is not right. That is not right. Wow. A brown baggage handler. That's like, that's like having a black guy watch your wallet for you. Am I right? For a living, a black guy. Or having an Asian guy watch over your soft-boiled... pfft... thing. Okay. Uh... uh...

Wow, look at the serious look on KJ's face.

I should have just pandered to everybody and said, I thought that would have been funnier.

Uh, how would you have done that? What would you have done?

Just did some typical Indian jokes. I smell like curry, all that kind of shit. Do you have jokes like that? Can you do one for us? Uh, not off the top of my head, no. Oh, okay. I don't like, I don't like to pander to white people.

Normally you do have a lot of material on the top of your head, your people.

Normally.

Come on baby, come on baby! We're doing it tonight. KJ, what does your mom do for a living?

She does like customer service, at like a CVS.

That makes sense.

Call center?

Does she work at a call center?

Uh, not like a call center, like more like front desk people, but she does take calls, obviously.

And the dad, what exactly does the dad do?

What kind of calls does he take?

My dad works at like a lumber, like mill, lumber mill.

Oh, KJ. What's your love life like you have a girlfriend? That's real. Yeah, she's real. Okay. She doesn't have herpes sure And how long you been with her uh since January February, okay, all right, where'd you guys meet?

Agrabah

Is that a princess Jasmine joke, I'm sorry. Is she brown as well? Yeah. She's Indian? Yeah. Same thing all the way? All the way. That's how they do it. Yep. You find yourself only attracted to those type of people? Nope. I, anybody is fine. I'm not racist or anything like that. Okay, perfect. Yeah. But do you have a preference? Like we just had Danny Yang up here. He's from Taiwan and exclusively has only been with white women before.

Do you find yourself having a preference of any kind?

Um, not really. It doesn't matter. I think all women doesn't matter. Like, doesn't matter to me. Yeah, you have herpes, by the way.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

What do you do for fun, KJ? You have any hobbies or anything like that?

You, uh...

Snowboarding, like to ride bikes, like to chill, play video games.

Wow, snowboarding.

That's another... I just wouldn't have guessed that your people really do that. I can picture maybe sandboarding or something like that or even waterboarding. I think your people are very good at. But snowboarding is incredible. Absolutely amazing. KJ, fun times man. Come sign up again sometime. Next week. There's a little one. There you go. KJ everybody. times, man. Come sign up again sometime. Next week. A little one, there you go. KJ, everybody.

Thank you guys.

I'm gonna keep it moving along here. Your next comedian, this name is familiar. We're gonna see her again. It's Sarah Klein, everybody. Time for Sarah Klein. It's Klein time.

Recently took home a dude who's an optometrist. Brought him into the bedroom. He started doing this thing where he was like, okay, here's one finger, and now here's two. Do we like the one? Or do we like the two a little bit better?

Back to the one. Let's start over to a three. That one is for astigmatism. Turns out I do have astigmatism. That is not the only form of tism that I have. Yeah, my ancestors came down the tism trail. It's

a history joke. I have what used to be called Asperger's. They don't call it that anymore because it turns out the dude that it's named after is a Nazi. But also that's been coming back on Vogue. I don't know but the rebranding is it's now called Level 1 Autism. Which for me as a gamer is mildly infuriating because I'm like, what do I got to do to get to the next level?

Wow, Sarah Klein. Amazing set.

Thank you. Fantastic. How long you been on stand up? How much? Amazing set.

Thank you.

Fantastic. How long you been on stand up?

How much?

Six years.

Six years.

Where at Sarah?

Uh, mostly Dallas. I started in Austin, but that was in like 2019.

Then you moved to Dallas.

Yeah. And then Seattle and then back to Dallas.

Wow.

What made you move to Dallas?

The pandemic and my place of living closing down. I moved back with my parents.

The parents are in Dallas. That makes sense. What in the world would make you move to Seattle?

Grad school.

Okay. Yeah. That makes sense.

What did you get a degree in? I got a master of fine arts and creative writing. Damn. Look at you

Unbelievable. Sarah. What do you do for a living? I do cat sitting. Oh my god. I think you hit level two That is amazing. You're a professional cat sitter, one of the few animals that famously can be left alone and yet that is your specialty. I mean that is just an incredible job. How did you start becoming a professional cat sitter?

You go to grad school and then you don't get paid over the summer, so you find odd jobs.

Here's a cool cat right here. It's D-Madness, everybody.

Look at that.

He's a cat that does a lot of sitting. And yet we are here with a true cat sitter. Has cat sitting ever gone wrong for you? Has anything crazy ever happened?

I mean I've had cats that like want to kill me. Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Occasionally, like a couple.

What have they done to try to kill you?

Take us through it.

I mean like, they like stalk me whenever I'm in like the premises and then they're like hissing and they're like following me and trying to like attack me and I have to like grab like a vacuum or something and be like...

These kittens. Maybe they're just playing with you.

Our senior cat correspondent Brian Redband owns many cats. It's part of his identity. He loves his cats very much. He tells everybody that he should have cats. He's always covered in cat hair. Um, are they kittens?

Huh?

Nothing.

Uh, what do you do for fun, Sarah? Take us through some of your hobbies and whatnot. Let's, let's fucking really figure out how autistic you are.

Well, I'm a pole dancer.

Really?

Oh my goodness.

For fun, not for money.

I love that.

I like to go birding.

Okay, tell us what birding is exactly.

It's bird watching. It's just like a little more active because you actually try to identify the species and you keep like a little more active because you actually try to identify the species and you keep like a list

Do you ever find yourself like trying to paw at the birds because you've spent so much time with cats? No

Okay, do you do anything not autistic I

Mean pole dancing is pretty not autistic. I mean,'s... Yeah, but by yourself is still autistic. Pull dancing, birding, what do we got in the three spots, Sarah Klein?

Um, I'm a poet.

Ooh, la la.

That's what I went to grad school for.

Wow.

Alright, what do you specialize in? Haikus or? That's the only kind I know, so.

Just like contemporary, free verse, confessional.

Okay, so you're like Lil Wayne or something like that. Lil Wheezy. Sure all right what's your love life like Sarah have you ever have yes I didn't yeah 30 chance you're a gay Chinese guy oh my god I don't know why this keeps happening Tony Tony. I'm back. What's your love life like, Sarah Quarren? You seem to have cool swagger to you. I like your style.

That little skeleton hand's cool.

Peace.

I mean, I was in a long-term relationship like a year ago.

Did it last like about 12 years?

It was like two and a half.

Oh, that's not that long.

Yeah.

Tell us about it. Was he autistic too?

No, I don't believe so. We met in grad school. He was also a poet.

Wow. Look at that. Just two poets.

Cat sitting together.

Was it clear which one of you was a more gifted poet?

Uh, yeah. Me. me Wow look at that who paid

the rent who paid rent I love it I love it do you make good money cat sitting what are we talking about here uh no I don't know. I mean...

How do you survive, Sarah? My parents right now.

Wow, and how much are you in debt in college? None.

None, it was all paid for, you got scholarship.

I went to a fully funded, yeah.

Amazing, look at that. Okay, so what are your plans for the future, Sarah? What are some short term goals that you have?

I wanna date a woman.

Ooh, have you ever tried dating a woman?

Tried, yes, not, I haven't been on a date with a woman.

Okay, so when you say try, what did you do?

I...

I babysat her cat for free.

Yeah.

I mean, like, I've talked to women online on like dating apps. It's just never

Okay, gone to the actually have you ever kissed a woman? Yes. Okay. Have you kissed a woman in Texas? Yes, you kissed a woman in Austin, Texas

No

whoa My god No Whoa My God Do you want to is there a beautiful woman out there that wants to come up and give Sarah Klein a kiss everybody? Wow, there's a beautiful brunette girl right there. Come on up you slut Amazing Absolutely incredible Wow. She's actually quite beautiful. What a special fan base we have. Give yourselves a hand.

This is a little segment on this show called Kiss Me. We've been doing it 13 years. When the time is right. Oh my god. Wow. Oh. We are the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Talkspace. That's Sarah Klein. We're already moving in with each other.

Are you damp right now?

Red band! You can't say that to people. This is a professional show. We have sponsors. That's out of control.

Are you?

All right.

How do you feel right now, Sarah?

Good.

Yeah. That was a pretty, now, Sarah? Good. Yeah.

That was a pretty, pretty girl.

I can't complain.

Yeah.

Did you feel something?

Was there a little fire?

A little bit, yeah.

A little scissor sister?

I feel something, yeah.

Amazing, amazing. How about one more time for the lady that did that?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

The hero. She's gone. one more time for the for the lady that did that hero gone oh she's signing a waiver we have to make sure we don't get sued by whores you know what I'm saying I love it Sarah anything else crazy about your life you're already getting clingy dude yeah exactly look he's fucking lesbians are wild, dude. Now's your chance, propose!

Yes, I actually, I talked about it the last time I was on, I have two vaginas.

Oh my god. Do you like Asian girls? Okay, hold on a second.

Sure?

Yes, then there could be three vaginas you can't please at once, Red Band.

It'd be amazing.

Hey, wait a second. Why would you say that about me? Oh I immediately came and fell asleep. Oh. Okay, tell us more about these two vaginas. Somehow I don't remember that. I don't remember talking about this. No kidding Tony. Yeah exactly. Sounds like double trouble to me. Ew, double disgusting almost. You were saying you have zero peces. Or something like that. Somehow slipped my mind.

Oh yes.

Tell us about your two vaginas.

Yeah, yeah. There's like, there's a septum dividing into like two canals. I have two cervices. When I get a pap smear, they have to label it left and right.

Oh my God.

So it literally looks like...

Wow.

I mean, from the outside, it looks normal normal like it's just one set of labia it's like when you actually go inside. Oh my god. It's like a trap door.

No it's like two smaller vaginas on each other's shoulders under one trench coat. Tim motherfucking butterly oh my god not evenly divided though one is actually

like infant size they had to use like a pediatric spectra red band just came in

his pants everybody Wow in infant sized vagina he's literally googling you right now this is incredible in real time

Wow, you have a regular hole in a premium

Incredible I mean I hate you guys all this jargon. This is amazing double vaginas is

Absolutely incredible. So do you ever do anything with the infant size one? Do you ever put like a Zen pouch in there or anything?

No.

Okay, what have you done with it? Have you ever like the tip of a pinky, anything?

Yeah, I'm sure there's been like a finger or two in there.

Mm.

Pick you up like a six pack, right?

Jesus fucking Christ. Did you consider saving one of them for marriage yeah Wow no my goodness your lesbian friend seems very excited to perhaps have the old entree and side dish. This is like when you get to pick two at a PF Chang's. Two entrees. I will have the sweet and sour chicken and the steak with broccoli. Do they share the period? Like is there like a like or do you yeah, it's a double period or an exclamation point

What's it like? Yeah?

Is it a tsunami?

Say tsunami three times Danny Yang comes out of nowhere be careful. Oh my god. I'm back double vaginas a White girl from Texas with two vaginas I have two slits too, they're called my eyes. I mean, I guess it might be like heavier than a normal... My uterus is also like an anomaly.

It's shaped weird. It's kind of like double horned-ish.

Wow, this is amazing. Yeah. Breadban somehow came in his pants on Infant Vagina and I can clearly see he's hard yet again immediately.

And you're not calling your butthole a vagina like most girls, right?

No, okay.

No, that's the old bread band you are really something else you are really something else right band and have we covered have you ever considered using

both at the same time I mean if it's a hand yes yes. No, I mean, you know what I mean actually. Don't fucking play with it.

No.

They have to use a pediatric speculum to look in there, so it's real small.

Wow, pediatric speculum is actually... You're getting the boys so fired up right now, it's crazy. I've never heard anybody say my wifi password out loud, but... Pediatric speculum is my Wi-Fi password stay away from my house do not log on to my Wi-Fi I shouldn't have said it I

shouldn't leak information like this but pediatric speculum pediatric speculum 420 Redman keeps having me say 420 because pediatric speculum is too easy to guess. So I had to throw a few numbers there at the end.

You could actually go in the merch store right now and buy a Kill Tony pediatric speculum as this episode airs.

Heidi!

The new fly swatter. We do have a brand new Kill Tony fly swatter that is for sale. You may remember a couple of episodes ago, there was a lot of flies. So our merch guy, actually, how about a hand for Brandon? He's actually here tonight. Our merch guy, along with the great McVader,

decided to make fly swatters. We might have to do a Kill Tony pediatric speculum. Wow, is there any other times? I just find this to be such a compelling interview, are there other times where the double vagina, the old DV, has affected your life in any

way?

Let me ask you this. This is getting crazy, this is like old school Stern interview shit. But have you noticed when a guy's gone down on you right have you noticed that he slips into is there a way to slip into both with a tongue

probably not it's it's in there yeah you have to go in a little bit to get to is

it like is it down is there like a map that you can draw exactly where it's

like a choose your own adventure right?

That's how it goes. Kind of yeah. Is it by the cauliflower? Like is it next to it? Like I'm like... Red band. What? That's crazy. Red band! You're being bad tonight Red band! It's not good! Stubborn! Is it by the cauliflower? I're familiar with we don't have to I know he doesn't know what call he doesn't but seriously have you ever considered calling at a bonus level no I haven't that's a free one bitch take it unbelievable Sarah. Sarah, we love you.

I would love to have you on The Secret Show.

Oh my god.

Very bad, Red Band. She's getting two sets. Oh my God. Absteamadness is in heaven right now. He's got two hands up in the air because a double vagina is the least gay thing ever. So he is so happy right now.

Wow.

And you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna give you one big joke book and one smaller joke book. And I'm going to hide the smaller joke book. You're gonna have to find it. It's gonna be quite the adventure for you. The great Sarah Klein everybody amazing Wow Wow 17 minute long interview. What's the what's the lesson here people have two vaginas? Oh

Look at this one vagina bitch Boring oh My god that is a woman that never needs a pediatric speculum.

Can you imagine if she had two vaginas?

Dude.

If Heidi had two vaginas,

we'd retire. Just kidding, I'm gay! Alright, make some noise for your next bucket pull. It's Joe Filey, everybody. Joe Filey.

Fuck yeah, mother shit.

Damn, I've been working with my grandpa. We're trying to make him less racist. So now whenever he says some fucked up racist stuff, he goes, no homo afterwards. Bro, it's kind of like a flashbang.

The black guy don't even remember the N-word he just said.

He's like, you call me gay? No, yeah, no, grandpa's fucking... Even like, Ultima will go by with no bumper, he's like, black lady, no cap. I love that you know these terms, dude. I remember in high school, I was dating this Puerto Rican chick,

and he compared her to a pit bull. He's like, you feel safe in your house, and you look cool in public, but at some point, he's gonna try to bite your sister-in-law. -$5,000. Damn, I was really hoping for a meow so the pit bull could bite it right there.

All right. No, yeah, I don't know. Gramps is cool. Like, like I said, it's like a flashbang. When he goes no homo, the black guy thinks he's calling him gay, and he's like, listen, I have no problem with f***. It's just blacks. All right, that's my time. Thank y'all.

Joe Fiely, what a great set. Best set that you've ever had on this show, I do believe.

For sure.

Hell yeah. That's fantastic. People seem to be getting better, and you seem to be getting better. How long have you been on stand-up now? Three and a half, four years probably. Three and a half years. And how long have you been hiding

underneath everybody's beds?

Where do you do it? Are you, you live in Austin, Texas?

Yeah, until the night. I'm moving to New York tomorrow.

You're moving to New York?

Yeah. Oh my God, Tony. You lost because of talking about it on the show? Not... They had more problem with the retard and the cocaine. They didn't care that I mentioned I worked at Amazon. Right. It was the follow-up questions that...

Maybe you shouldn't talk about it right now, though.

Yeah.

Are they gonna be cool with f***? Are they gonna be cool with that. Actually, they didn't have a problem with it. They had a problem when I kept calling the two gay black guys them people trying to be proactive.

I'm gonna lose this fucking job.

Oh, wow. Amazing. So, Joe, what else is going on? Are you excited about New York? Have you been there?

Yeah, that's where I started. Comedy was up in New York. And then, like, I ran JFC Entertainment out here, just running shows in Austin for two years.

JFC, that's...

Jokes for comics. I don't know. I always do, like, really raunchy jokes. I always, like...

I thought that was John Deas' meal plan. JFC, just fried chicken. That's what it was.

But no... Okay. Red band. Austin was super nice to me. Like, I ran a whole bunch of shows here, paid my bills, and now I just... Broadway, comedy, and a couple clubs up there, nice enough to let me come run some shows up there, so I'll go try New York.

I love it. Joe, what are you doing for Halloween, exactly?

Because it looks like you celebrate.

I'm probably gonna be in Times Square barking for my show because I only sold like 12 tickets so far. All right, okay, 12 tickets. Okay, test out the bark. Let's see, what are you gonna be yelling out there? All right, very good. Very good. It works with this face, it's like a make-a-wish. Okay, all right. I love it.

What's your love life like, Joe? Yeah, what is it like? Last time we talked about this, I love it. What's your love life like Joe? What is it like last time we talked about this?

I had a whole bunch of single moms from the dollhouse coming after me So I rather not mess with a single mom own business. What's the dollhouse? Fuck. All right. Well They changed their name. They went full Chinese buffet. They have like the same food, but a different name now This is the guy that came inside the girl. Oh, no. No, that was like a yay tall like Guatemalan oh wow okay you specialize in race recognition so we'll let you not in them someone let you not in them for like 200 extra on the $75

manager special wait that really happened I can't I they actually like they tried to take me to court dollhouse like tried to have me like I could

legit cannot talk about wait. Wait, hold on.

Because of what you said on Kill Tony?

Yes, they got 20,000 follows that night. And every single mother from the Dollhouse was telling me how I was ruining a single mother-owned business. And then the little fat bitch...

Oh, my God.

We're already here. But yeah, the little fat bitch he runs the place was like did Heidi put you up to it I'm like if Heidi DMs me you're not gonna see me signing up for kill Tony anymore like I made it all right that

Wow, this is absolutely Incredible you are one of the most self-destructive humans we've ever had on this show you just lost your job, got a new lawsuit, and didn't sell a ticket to your New York show at the same time.

Well, listen, sales in two weeks are gonna be alright up there, alright? If I sell 20 tickets at Broadway, he's getting me a free slice of pizza. That's...

Wow. Look at that.

And seven minutes.

Look at that. Unbelievable. Tim Butterly, what do you think about this guy? I see you're in awe right now. Staring right down the barrel of what appears to be one of the villains from Superman 4.

A huge fan of your comedy. That was an incredible set. I've just been staring at your head for seven minutes.

I mean, I'm not vaccinated.

I'm not even sure which questions to ask. I guess I want to start with, are you aware of anything that might have happened either during childbirth or your early life?

I mean, my mom's not vaccinated, but she took Tylenol, so I'm meeting John Cena at some

point.

Yeah, for sure. What else? What do you think?

Do you have brothers and sisters? but they all have a different mom and they look to be all right. Like I think my mom was, it definitely, it's definitely not from my dad's side. That's a.

Do you think perhaps when you were born you came out of the wrong hole perhaps? Because some women, I don't know if you know this, some women have a double vagina. You would need a pediatric speculum.

I know, I was a C-section for sure. I was a big fan. Oh yeah, there's no way a vagina could look that big. You were a fucking D-section my friend. I've had this head since birth. I was born with this brow ridge. The kid photos look the same. Yeah it is amazing you look inbred. On the evolution of man you're about three inches for sure. I hate that this is the second time I've been called an inbred in this room. Holtzman called me that like six months ago when I was sitting right there.

Yeah, that's what you look like.

That is.

I don't pick what I look like, I just gotta go with it. You're damn right, buddy.

I'm like a Ford Pinto, alright? At some point you're gonna look cool with me around you.

I love it. I love it. I love it. A real heartfelt moment about his monster head.

What's your dick like, Joe?

It's like a party-sized NyQuil bottle.

Okay, party-sized NyQuil bottle. Big or small? I can't tell.

They don't make it, so you have to imagine it. It's only a family size. There's no party size of NyQuil that'd be crazy Wow you are

crushing Joe Filey you're killing it amazing stuff you already have a big joke book Wow if you only had a few more... If you only had a few... If you're leaving tomorrow to fight James Bond or something like that, right?

That is true.

Has anyone ever told you you look like every version of Jaws?

I'll take it. Yeah, I got some pretty fucked up teeth too. Is that what you're going for? I was about to say, listen, health insurance is not good with Amazon. I'm already fired, fuck it. Yeah, their health insurance is not good with Amazon if it I'm already fired fuck yeah their health insurance worry there

wait you can get me a job at the dojo right I make a hell of a door guy like

I'll headbutt some people Mike's up there go talk to him the owner of the

dojo I just in Jersey what part of Jersey it's in Morris Plains the dojo of

calm micro Manali's I'll be living on Staten Island. That's like a ferry ride, a train ride, whatever it is. You're hired, bro. Fuck yeah, I'll take it.

Wow, there you go. Dreams are coming true. There goes Joe Filey, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

Brrraaah. Thank you.

Om nom nom nom nom.

One more time for Joe Filey, everybody. Hell yeah! We're having a good old time tonight. Bucket pool number nine everybody. How amazing. We're really flying through it tonight. We're coming around the bend and we

ain't seen the sun shines. I just want to say you're crushing tonight dog. You're so fucking

funny. Well you guys are the best. Sam Tripoli dot com, Tim Butterly dot com. Six podcasts between the two of them. Tinfoil Hat, Deep Dish, Dad Meat, Broken Simulations, Deep Waters. All right. He's also in a group text with Rogan, Alex Jones, and Eddie

Bravo. So if you guys would like, how many of you think you should release the group chat? Triple E, Rogan, Alex Jones and Eddie Bravo, ladies and gentlemen. All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool.

It's Jay McGuire, everyone. Jay McGuire.

Alright, here we go. Uh... Shut up, cunt. Jesus Christ, this fucking douchebag, he's already got fucking talking shit. I can't. Sam, we're gonna talk ancient occult later. Yeah, for sure, for sure. Tony's looking at me. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Shut the fuck up. Here we go.

Alright, so, uh, Tony, um... looking at me yeah yeah I get it shut the fuck up here we go all right so uh Tony um you look and sound like if uh what is this I drank way too much tonight yeah yeah yeah for sure for sure Tony looks and sounds like if Woody Allen fucked Woody Harrelson and shot out Woody from Toy Story yeah I'll take that yeah Sam likes it there you go I'm uncomfortable yeah yeah I'm uncomfortable too as fact this cunts got fucking seven thrones and a golden Rolex on so we'll go for that yeah don't look at me like that you got

a ponytail on a part we're not doing this right now all right Jesus fucking Christ yeah so uh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah great shouldn't have drank this much

yeah awesome all right I'm gonna stop you there Jay McGuire my goodness gracious did you prepare anything for I did I got hammered and got a rib broken yesterday so So yeah, oh my god. Okay. How did you break your rib yesterday?

Ah some con fucking punch me That's what happened. Okay. So what exactly what made the cunt punch? Well, he owed the other cunt money and he was a smaller cunt. So I stepped in for you know, the smaller cunt Okay. Yeah red band smoke a fucking cigarette you

need it all right I love it you're like a bad roaster Tim Butterly first of all excellent said yeah yeah first time in a year and a half and I'm fucking for sure could you get the breathalyzer for really quick yeah really quickly would you mind looking at that brick wall to over there really quickly? Just take a second. Look at that brick. Yeah. I'm used to doing that with a blonde. I blue icon. Yeah You're going to the right. Yeah. Yeah. We gotcha. I have a specific question. This would really help me. Okay, so look now

Is there yeah, just look at that wall and is this mark from a woman using a lit cigarette to defend herself? No, please look over there because they do this is the only fit thing that might be funny about this Sam

Can you get into this cuz he's bombing at this point?

Oh my god You are the worst

Yeah

How much do you think you drank Jay? I drank way too much Tony if I knew Sam was here We'd be talking about

ancient tax and occult shit.

Wow, look at your fan base, Sam. I remember 18 and a half years ago, when I started and you took me to La Jolla to open for you, and you were the first guy I ever saw do an hour, I thought to myself, I wanna be like him when I grow up. I wanna be like Sam Tripoli.

And now I'm here to tell ya, I am so glad I didn't end up bugged. Okay, here we go. Let's do the breathalyzer, ladies and gentlemen.

Bleugh, bleugh, bleugh, bleugh, bleugh, bleugh, bleugh.

Yeah.

Good enough?

God, this guy looks like a fuckin' coked- up gremlin yeah look at this piece of shit what do we got I blew better than her fake tits so let's keep it moving we got nothing there Heidi what happened yeah shut up that camp that can't be right okay well or it can be right and he's not drunk and just sucks keep blowing we have to teach Heidi how to use this thing before the next episode, guys. What do we got? Okay, well let's just skip it.

Zero, zero, one.

Mothership should afford a better fucking breathalyzer, right?

Wow, you are the worst of all time.

Yeah, 100%.

You're just horrible.

All right, go ahead. There you go. I love it. Alright, you get nothing. Jay McGuire, there you go. Put the mic in the mic stand.

Yeah, thanks, Tony!

Alright, pal. I got shit-faced.

You're okay. Alright, thank you, Jay. There you go, buddy. Alright, fist bump from Sam. Sam. My people!

God. That guy.

Man, I just wish I could talk to Sam Poole if he were here. Dude, good day.

Bro, that guy would kill somebody for me, so I'm fine with that.

That would be the only way he could kill. Is a human. Alright, your next bucketful goes by the name of Ram B, everybody, let's see what happens with Ram B. Oh yeah, one more time for Ram B, everyone.

Thank you, thank you. It's getting a good, yeah. It's getting a good look at all the people who are gonna try to shit on my dreams tonight. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. So I was in the Walgreens recently getting some beer and some cigarettes to kind of fuel me shitting on my dreams. And they say vaccinate, get vaccinated, get rewarded.

I was like, whoa, rewarded? Shit, I got to go check this out. And I said, well, rewarded? Shit, I gotta go check this out. Right? And I said well rewarded with what? AIDS? You know what I mean? Like yeah let me get two scoops of AIDS. Let's see, let me get some autism sprinkles on there. Baby girl what you want? Okay my daughter, she want two scoops of autism. Throw some measles on there. Yeah, measles, sir. Thank you.

Yeah, I'd be great. I was thinking, what if DMX was your AI and couldn't answer your question? It'd be like, dog, that's my man's in them. But I can't answer your question because that would make me a snitch. Thank you.

God damn. Yo, what's up,? No, this is your second time on the show my third third

I was on the bags and boxes one and then the bags and box and then got a little hangin on then after that

So is I we're reunited look at that was Shane. Yeah, you remember him? Yes, sir. Yeah, absolutely. Welcome back What did we learn about you and your interviews before Rambo?

Yeah, I lived in Wisconsin for a long time. I lived in Arizona for a long time. I think I talked about the XTC ring thing Have a fantastic voice. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I sang one time on here. You did. What'd you say? Yeah Original song that was just it was on the bags and boxes episode right after bags and boxes I was right after Jay legend and saying that yeah, I sucked or Jay suck

You're good

Yeah, I don't care but yeah, so that was fun episode though

I'll tell you that that was hilarious to me at least is anything happened since then since those episodes came out It's kill Tony changed your life in any way?

I've had some cool people come up to me and, you know, and people, you know, congratulating me and stuff. There was a cat, I was walking down the street, actually about a week ago, and a dude just stopped me, he's like, hey, you know, I'm, it's Sixth Street,

so I'm a little like, hey, motherfucker, you know, fuck, you know and he was like I saw you on kill Tony man. Keep it going. Yeah, you're funny as fuck

You know so I felt good. It was cool. You know I'm saying okay, so no not really anything is effective It appears though other than vagrants yelling at you on this street pretty much. Yeah, yeah But yeah, you know comedy is going good. What do you do for work? Yeah?

I'm actually I don't have a job right now, but I was working at a, rhymes with rectum. You know what I'm saying? So, a call center, call center that rhymes with rectum.

Rectum?

Spectrum.

Ah, you said it.

Pediatric spectrum.

Yeah, I don't want to get sued or nothing.

So, how long ago did you lose this job?

Well, I quit about three weeks ago. What made you quit? Um, they wanted me to sell this is gonna sound crazy

But they wanted me to show up unless they said candy man in the mirror three times

You you wouldn't do it you wouldn't do it candy man is what the clerk at 7-eleven calls red band oh there it is the candy man is back again oh look who's back in the candy man brother red band oh with the funny sound effects on kilton and the inappropriate questions to the ladies Where's your cut now? The candy man cut.

Too much.

The candy man cut.

Yeah.

All right.

What the fuck were we just talking about?

Oh yeah, the job.

I got how I quit. The reason I quit the job was because they wanted me to sell to people who were calling for deceased people. And just the stress of the job. It was something I didn't want to do. And I'm like, yo, I'm not doing that. Look at you, a man of principles.

You know what I mean?

I'm just being real. So they wanted you to sell, explain to me,

what do you mean by this?

Like, okay, so, you know, you're supposed, if somebody calls, you know, I'm not, you know, or no, I'm not doing that because they're calling for somebody who's dead, you know, like this isn't even a relative. I felt like, nah, I'm not getting into all that. You know, I'd be mad if somebody called me like,

you know, my daddy died or something, you know. I'd be pretty pissed if they were like,

you were still for Spectrum. Wow. Democratic voters? That's exactly what I was just going to say. That is incredible. I mean, I didn't realize, no, it's great. I didn't realize, I didn't realize fucking Nancy Pelosi was running Spectrum. That's incredible.

Every vote they can get.

You know, I actually, like sometimes on the phone, man, I actually wanted to be like that with the DMX. I actually wanted to get like that on the phone, like, fuck you. I don't care if it keeps spectrum because the customers, you know, you know what I mean? It was it was it was really that bad to where I wanted to cuss the customers out. You know what I mean?

You have that little recording thing on your thing.

You can get a moment if I had him say something. You don't have it? Okay. I mean, you could take the audio. What do you want me to say? Just say, sup bitches, this is Kill Tony.

What's up bitches?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't want you to try to do anything or anything. I like your style, the exact way that you talk.

Just do it normal.

Say the exact words again, actually,

because I've done voiceovers, Ladies and gentlemen and motherfuckers. This is kill Tony. Yo, ladies and gentlemen and motherfuckers

This is kill Tony. Perfect

Absolutely perfect Your set was terrible but your voice is so amazing I'm giving you a big joke book Ram be ladies and gentlemen

It's my second one. I appreciate the bro. You got it

You can sell one when you run out of money next week.

Nah.

Ha ha ha.

Woo!

All right, we're going to keep it moving along real quick here. Your next comedian goes by the name of Alex Friedman. Your final bucket full of the night. One more time, Alex Friedman, everybody. Clap your hands for Alex

Man I gotta tell you I've been trying to get myself out more often and I met a girl who told me oh my God, it's so nice to finally meet a sweet Filipino guy. There's only one problem. I have Filipino But I tell her that I was like, yeah, I love bamboo. It's are you kidding me? It's my favorite fruit. I'm Manny Pacquiao He's my cousin father. So, I suck at dating. Especially because I have social anxiety. So I go to orgies. Yeah, you know, people often ask me,

aren't you afraid of getting drugged? I'm like, what are you kidding me? That's what I'm there for. I'm holding out my cup like I'm asking for loose change. Please, I need to be drugged if I'm gonna be here. And if you're trying to fuck me, so do you. Oh, it's true though. You know, I've been to a lot of orgies in the past.

And the weirdest one I've ever been to, the place was empty. Not even Diddy was there. But all the way in the back, there were these two old people just going at it. It was like seeing Betty White getting pile dragged by Joe Biden. You're welcome for that image, by the way.

But then this other guy, he walks in and he's like, oh, God, why does it smell like broken dreams and disappointment?

It basically smells like the Democratic National Convention. The old guy, he was like, all right, all right, Alex Alex. That's good enough good stuff. How are you Alex? Hey? I'm good Is this your first time on the show this is my first time on the show you're adorable look at you. How old are you? 33 Wow look at you What do you do for work Alex? Oh, I'm a software engineer, and I gotta tell you I've seen some weird shit on people's computers They got incest bestiality open mic schedules truly terrifying stuff. Look at you. You're ready for this Alex How long you been doing stand-up about 10 months 10 months?

Unbelievable amazing tell us more about you Alex. Look at your big goofy eyes Alex looks like if the police hired a sketch artist that used to work for Pixar you know what I think it has a compliment tell us about your life Alex Friedman all right okay so right here we go I was adopted from

Peru my mom is from Queens my dad is from Cuba and well I was adopted from Peru. My mom is from Queens. My dad is from Cuba. And, well, I was raised in New York City.

OK. Yeah.

All right. How long have you been here for?

I've been in Austin for about less than a day now. I just flew in today. Wow. Yeah, from a wedding in Chicago. But I came here. I left early because you guys are my family.

Wow. Look at you.

Oh, well, we kind of just met.

Let's kind of feel this out for her.

This is incredible.

He has the Verizon eyebrows I was talking about earlier. Look at those things. Oh, my goodness. Alex, what made you start 10 months ago at 33 years old?

Well, Mama Coco passed away.

Hey, don't you talk shit about Coco. No, but, so I was working remote as a game developer for like the longest time. You don't get to meet anybody.

Speaking of games, you look like Super Mario.

It's true.

Hey, tell me about it. You know, the worst part is every time I come, it sounds like, da-da-da-da-da-da.

Okay.

My God, you have the delivery of someone that's so much funnier than you. You have this crisp, confident delivery. Like, the substance isn't quite there, but your energy is amazing. I love it.

Oh, thank you. I appreciate it.

Yeah. I love it. Thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah jump for jump for us a couple times jump up Wow red red bands comedic timing is incredible do the small jump jump again You have to wait till he does it you have the benefit of looking at him. Are you giving me a workout? Oh, there you go., bring out the turtle.

I love it. Switch, switch, switch, switch hands with the microphone. Woo! Alex, what's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that'll fuck absolutely anything. Oh man.

Love life?

I haven't found love yet. Yeah, I've dated around quite a while and it hasn't worked out so I'm taking a break. You're a sweet guy.

Have you ever kissed a girl in Austin, Texas?

No, not yet.

You want to?

Is there a girl out there that'll give Alex Friedman a kiss? Anybody? Oh, there's one. Look at this. Come on up, sweetheart. Look at this. She thought about it and everything. Oh, my God. Some hot chicks coming up here tonight. This is incredible we tap out

You're really putting me on the spot here why what's wrong you're gay no absolutely no

What do you mean I'm putting you on this spot? You're not excited right now

No, no, dude. I've just never done this before it's really easy. You just slow and then you just shoot your tongue right in Real quick before she gets Wow flies ladies and gentlemen how about a hand for this beautiful lady?

Two in one night. This is

The boys first Texas kiss the adorable big-eyed Alex Friedman and what's your name, sweetheart?

What is it Thailand Thailand?

She might have a dick

Wow Ladies to meet you. Oh my god He is so adorable. It's very nice to meet you He said and now get that will you give this sweet boy a real kiss show him how it's done in, Texas Unbelievable what a fucking what an evening we've had here tonight

Red got some Bollywood pussy, bro. Yeah, dude

Hell yeah Look at you

And who knows maybe maybe maybe can I say look at that? How do you feel right now, you know what I feel good I feel excited

This is awesome to be around here with all of you people beautiful people it's a beautiful crowd and we got some really awesome home

stand up straight stand up straight stand up straight you did it all tonight Alex congratulations Alex Friedman, ladies and gentlemen. A wild, adorable boy, Alex. Here's a big joke book. Oh, Jesus. You didn't catch that, but you probably have HPV now after that kiss.

Congratulations. How do you feel, Alex?

You good? He's hard, dude. Come on. Oh, yeah. Look at you feel, Alex? You good?

He's hard, dude! Come on! Oh yeah, look at that dick, dude! Wow! Alex, you're one of the first comedians we've ever... Alex, have you been jerked off in Austin yet?

You know what? You know what?

Danny, get back out here!

I bet you can't wait to slide down this flagpole. Hey, see me after the show. I got some special gold coins just for you.

Alex, nothing you say makes any sense, but you say it with such conviction. It's incredible. You are amazing, Alex.

Thank you.

Tell us one more, before I let you go, I just find you to be so compelling. Tell us one more fun I let you go. I just find you to be so compelling Tell us one more fun fact about your life like you have any special hobbies or skills or talents or anything like yeah

Yeah, I've been playing guitar for the past 20 years. Okay, what else other than playing guitar? All right aside from playing guitar I also like earned a black belt in

Kenpo you have what a black belt on tempo. I've also been doing... Can you show us, can you put the mic in the mic stand and the joke book in your pocket and the erection away? And can you show us a little bit, can you give us a little air karate? Let's do a little fuckin' Nice and easy, Michael Come on No, show us, no, show us your fighting, for real

Put the joke book in your fuckin' pocket Jesus Christ, whoa oh my god all right whoa you're a black belt come on seriously pretend like someone's trying to beat you up in front of you show us some fucking moves dude some kata Jesus Christ whoa okay all right he's whoa oh oh my goodness Wow turns out I can beat the shit out of a black belt it's incredible what an amazing night tonight is all right right, there he goes, Alex Friedman.

All right, go. Get out of here, you little cutie pie. You sweet little fucking fake butterbean, you. What a night it's been, ladies and gentlemen, and I gotta tell you, there's only one way to end a show like this. But,

there's gonna have to be two ways to end a show like this because we got word today that the great William Montgomery is sick, everyone. So, the big red machine, the American hero, is nowhere to be found. However, we went to Eastern Europe

and we found an undeniable force that without a doubt is perhaps one of the biggest stars ever in Killtoney history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin, Ari Matti. What's up?

So I just found out that tranny is a slur. I didn't know that. I'm just shortening the word. I'm not trying to offend you. I'm trying to save time. Like if there's an active shooter behind you, I'm not gonna be like, Oh, they, them. No, I'm gonna be like, Tranny get down to the gun. Tranny, gun. And I've been to Thailand. Have you ever been, sir?

Man, they're good. They trick you. You can tell no matter how close you get. I mean, you can tell. But you can tell when it's too late. You can tell when you eat their pussy and it tastes like dick.

But so what? Shit happened to me, so what? Fuck you. They got me. They got me. It is what it is. I'm a straight man. I take it on the chin, I move on. Like if you fuck a tranny

and you have to go through an existential fucking crisis,

you gay.

If I go to bed with a lady and I wake up, it's a dude, you know what I do?

I give you a fist bump and I say, touche.

GG.

You got me. That's how straight I am. I can fuck a dude and feel nothing, dude.

The mind is more powerful than the body. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Oh my God.

What a fucking star. Holy shit. You've done it again. His work ethic, his writing, his execution. This guy works harder than everybody in the city, by the way.

I'm out almost every fucking night of the week doing a few spots, and this motherfucker's doing five, six, seven, eight, nine. Non-stop new material, non-stop fucking,

I mean, you are just out of this world. I didn't know how far to go with that joke Like should I just keep going keep going just like no not now Not now, but I mean like I don't know. Yeah, I didn't know what the end of that joke is I was just feeling it out like

There was no way there's a random audience member is correct in your ass. That's what you're feeling out. There is no end unbelievable fucking stuff Absolutely incredible the shortening of the word to get to tranny is so funny. It's right there Immediately when you said that I'm like wow such a perfect execution of a tranny joke amazing how what is your writing process like like what do you do you sit down and try to think of it you start with a

thing and take it on stage how does it is hard like it's not a sit-down art you know because always the stuff that you write down you think you're like George Carlin you know and then you try it on stage it always bombs because you try to be too clever with it you know sometimes you just gotta let it go just got a riff dude yell tranny dude yeah have you been watching any of tonight's show did you sadly not what what has happened it's been a lot of a lot of

crazy shit damn okay okay yeah there's been a lot we had an Australian with a bad attitude I don't like Australians. It's it's an island That was never supposed to be found It was an Atlantis that should have been on the undiscovered did horrible people horrible accent It's absolutely it was supposed to be a prison, you know Australian by the British

Yeah, it's literally easier to understand the Australian I know yeah oh yeah shut the fuck oh my god yeah

your fucking quad bike you racist piece of shit yes they're always so like oh

everything's so fucking cool dude is it Is it?

We had a couple Couple of wild characters. It was a lady that had two vaginas inside of her vagina. Yes

Yes

Have you ever heard of something quite this magical? Two vaginas? Is it like two holes too? Like well, that's what we were wondering it turns out there's two holes inside of the main hole almost like almost like a like a backpack has so two dicks go in and one is like I'll go this way next to the cauliflower yeah yeah all right like two uterus is to that you

can get like double pregnant one you don't want it's black one is one uterus

that's actually a great question I guess you can only get her pregnant once, but I'm guessing the likelihood of twins perhaps has increased. I'm just kidding, that doesn't make any sense.

That doesn't make any sense.

Maybe one tiny twin. An NBA player and a midget. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito. Wow, that's a topical reference. Good job, Red Band, referencing the 1989 movie Twins, everyone. Wow. Red Band, you know what? I'm going to book you on the Secret Show this

Thursday. You get to do a spot on the Secret Show. Amazing. And take this and shove it up your ass.

Ari, what else is going on in life before we get you out of here? Oh, yeah, we were delayed. Well the flight was You know, you know, everyone knows how I hate Southwest Airlines. It's it's insane It's insane what's happening how their flights are canceled all the time. So me and Martin Phillips

Yes, he was on he was on earlier by the way, and he was telling us about some major gate changes that you guys went

Oh fuck. I should have listened like how did he tell that?

Let's just hear your version and it's great because it'll bookend the episode we started with Martin. We're finished

Okay, so yeah, they changed them. Well, okay, first of all We get to the main gate. It's one of these I don't know Vegas Airport you know it's like that small center and then these fucking spider islands yeah so Martin's behind me he's always behind me I wait up I wait up but he's behind me there's a train that takes you to different gates, right? So on the train I see a TSA employee just before the doors close. I go to her, I go, oh, we need to go to B26 or whatever the fuck, how far is that? And she sees Martin behind me, the two of us.

Martin is, you know how much he sweats and he moves. He's a fucking machine. So he's sweaty as fuck. And the lady looks at us both and goes, Oh, you don't need to take the train. It's just a 15 minute walk. And then the doors close and I look at Martin like,

Fuck!

Yeah.

So then, what we do is, You know, Martin can always, at any airport, He can just call assistance and and a black guy will help him So it's a black guy We have the wheelchair but no black right And the flight, you know boarding is starting soon

So Martin just looks at the wheelchair. He goes I'll just hop on the wheelchair, you push me. I'm like, fuck yeah. So we're going through the airport, and I've never pushed a wheelchair before. And the way chicks are looking at you when you got a guy in a wheelchair, dude.

Woooowee!

We had the wheelchair, Martin had the dog, triple threat dude. Pussy nation. Pussy nation. Wow. Boom, we get to the gate. And then my favorite part was when Martin gets to the gate and everyone's, you know, we have to go past everyone. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I mean of course it's Vegas so there's fucking seven people with wheelchairs. We go past them dude, they don't need it.

And then to see the people's look when just Martin stands up and just goes on the plane. Priceless dude.

A miracle. I love it. Ari, you are a freak of nature. One of the best in the history of the show. You could do better than that. That's the Estonian assassin, ladies and gentlemen. You're witnessing a shooting star.

What a fucking episode. Sam Tripoli, everybody. The first guy to ever take me out on the road. Tim Butterly, one of the newest residents to Austin, Texas. They are two of the best comedians in the world. SamTripley.com, TimButterly.com for tickets. If you ever see them anywhere near you, make sure you see them live.

They are unbelievable. Sam Tripley has a new special. It's Sam Tripley Comedy on YouTube. He's always dropping specials, amazing stuff happening in their podcasts are incredible tinfoil hat deep waters fucking broken

simulations simulations And Tim Butterly has dad meat and the Tim Butterly show the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in and it is Absolutely incredible that is indeed Sam Tripoli and Tim Butterly. Let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew up over there. Oh, it's Elaine, everyone.

The legendary Elaine.

Look at that shadow.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? There's a few tickets still available for the New Year's Eve festivities. Kill Tony live from the Moody Center, the biggest arena in Austin, Texas. Little, you know, six, seven, eight thousand seat upgrade from the legendary H-E-B Center. And it's right here downtown, so if you want to plan a hell of a trip, that's the place to be on New Year's Eve I would say without a doubt you guys

have fun tonight huh check out the secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip ATX calm we love you God bless this audience and God bless the United

States of America. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. States of America. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. the next, video!!