KT #751 - JOE ROGAN + SHANE GILLIS

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Moody Center here in Austin, Texas. Meow! Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony!

Give it up for Tony Ipskiss!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Oh my god, we've done it again. You are here. How are you guys feeling tonight? This is kill Tony brought to you by Netflix ladies and gentlemen Where this upcoming Monday January 12th kill Tony once upon a time in Texas airs only streaming on Netflix so we won't be on YouTube next week. We are only on Netflix. How cool is that, huh? How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Matt Muelling on guitar tonight,

playing a Matt Muelling signature guitar from John Page Guitars. That's John D's on the keys. And believe it or not, that is the real D Madness live in the flesh. The Kill Tony band single Single pandemonium out now on Spotify and everywhere where music is played

Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible We live in Austin, Texas But we are jumping in a tour bus ladies and gentlemen And we are taking the actual kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas.

One in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th. TonyHinchcliffe.com, get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, I love living here in Austin, Texas, and I just get to work with my friends every week.

This is one of those episodes where truly two of my best friends in the world are on tonight's panel. Austin's own, make some fucking noise for Joe Rogan and Shane Gillis. Here Financial Field, aka Eagles motherfucking football stadium July 17th.

Yeah, yeah, go to that.

And Joe Rogan of the JRE, the number one show around the world. These are the homies. Normally we get to hang out on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, some Thursdays, but tonight we are here on a fucking Monday getting the week started right How we feeling gentlemen?

Feel good, I feel excited

Legitimately very excited and excited to be here you guys are two of the best guests in the show's history So you already know that this bucket is filled with over 250 or so of hopefuls names. Sometimes it's a great upcoming comedian who we haven't discovered yet. Sometimes it's an insane person that just signed up this week. You never know what can happen. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna let this guy whose eyes are extremely

close together, I'm gonna let you pick the first name tonight. You could wear a monocle and look through both eyes through a monocle. It's unbelievable. If I select one of these people out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

which rudely interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview, they get feedback from my dear friends here. And we have a hoot nanny. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? We're gonna get it started tonight with a golden ticket winner. While we go wrangle that innocent soul who's going to go up after him, this

golden ticket winner is great at opening the show. Very neurotic, very, very wild boy. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted, a brand new set from Jack Shaw, everybody.

Here we go! Someone DM'd me and they said, fuck you, fuck the Jews, I don't support bombing hospitals. And I was like, no, that's not me. I'm not doing that. I have no part in that. If I did have a drone, I'd bomb the homeless people. That's, I mean, talk about making unwanted settlements. That's what I'm talking about.

Okay, didn't go great. All right, cool. I'm just a silly little guy, dude. That's just what I am. My girl told me that it gives her the ick that I pee sitting down.

So I got upset with her, okay, and I said, if you don't like me peeing sitting down, you should see me pooping standing up. Also didn't go as great as I thought it would. Okay. Very cool. Awesome. Okay, got one more. Awesome.

Hey, you guys hear this app, Rocket Money? Okay. I got this app, and if you don't know what it is, it's an app that tells you the subscriptions that you have. And well, I got the app, it turns out, I have two Rocket Money subscriptions.

Thank you guys.

Jack Shaw. Really criticizing himself throughout his set. Not leaving much work for us to do. I don't know why you had to bring up the DM that I sent you. That was supposed to be between me and you. Jack, I mean, you know how that went. You thought it was going to go better,

huh? I really did, yeah. I was really like, wow, this is gonna go great. And then I got out here and it wasn't.

Why do you think it was? What do you think exactly happened here tonight?

Yeah, that's a great question. And I think that maybe it was me.

You are correct. That is the correct answer.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man.

How's life been going, Jack?

It's been great. It's the last night of Hanukkah tonight, everybody.

Wow.

That's a way to get the Texas crowd on your side.

I, uh, I actually, I brought some presents for all you guys. That's kind of what I... You did?

I brought some presents!

Wow.

Heidi, could you bring out my Hanukkah presents?

Oh my goodness. Here we go. It's Hanukkah time with Jack Shaw, ladies and gentlemen.

It's Hanukkah time and ladies first. So Tony, I actually got you something very special. I made you your very own Kill Tony Yamaka.

Wow. Okay, great.

Put that on. Put that on. That's awesome. Oh, it says I'm gay on it. There you go. This is where all your preparation for this week's set went into. I love it.

You should wear that.

Shut the fuck up.

No, I'm just.

I would just wear it.

Like I said, tonight's episode is already brought to you by Netflix.

I don't need to put it on.

And Rocket Money.

When the deal's up in two years, I might have to put this back on again. But for now now we good okay all right what else you got over there we got and then we got I got

something special for red band oh I got you a lean cuisine cuz cuz you're fat

there you go guy this is going so much better than your set, this is incredible. Could you pass this down to him?

Wow, it's empty, he actually ate it already. Of course there's nothing in it fatty.

But if you tear it up properly, it actually turns into a Lean Cuisine yarmulke. Okay, what else, Jack?

Good idea, I should talk to you more. Okay, and then for our favorite Latino members of the band I got you citizenship to the United States of America Wow Castillo Raul Vallejo Carlos Sosa and Michael Gonzalez you are Americans absolutely incredible how many gifts do you have left over there? Pretty much for everyone in the audience. Okay, um, and then, uh, uh, John Dees, I got you something. Uh, Han, I didn't really know what to get you, um, but Hans Kim told me to get you a bike lock so you could practice stealing.

Um, so...

Wow. Look at that.

That's for you.

Okay. We'll take care of that later what else he got there Jack okay

I'm Matt mewling I heard that you're a big liberal

oh my god Wow flag is crazy.

You near it, you go, wow, that's just schizophrenic.

Do you know it?

That flag is totally schizophrenic. What is going on here?

Apparently it's an inclusivity flag.

There's so much happening in that flag.

Yeah, I don't know what the circle is.

Wait, did we get a white stripe on there? Now hold on a second, this flag might fucking be alright. I don't know, there's a white power stripe on the flag? That's crazy. We're fighting the good fight. Don't throw that on the ground, dude. No, you can't do that. That's not for you. Wear it around your shoulders like a prize fighter. This is for Matt to wear so I'll give that to him. I'm gonna wear it like a cape and fly away.

That thing. It's a flag you gotta treat it like it's the Iranian flag. I don't know what that means. It means that it'd kill you if you leave it on the ground.

Oh! Okay. You gotta fold it properly. Yeah. I don't know. **whistling** Got it! **laughter**

**laughter**

I'll give it.

Oh no!

**laughter**

Sorry, I'm panicking. I am fully panicking.

Um.

You're doing a good job. You're doing a good job. It's gonna end up in a dumpster next to a Kill Tony Yamaka later.

So.

**laughter**

It's all good. Dude, I spent $20 on that! Uh-oh. Ha ha! I really thought you'd like it, Tony.

No, it's great. It's great. I really do. I'm just making jokes, Jack. Unlike you during your set tonight.

Oh.

His new getter done is, that didn't go how I expected it to.

Have you ever thought about doing props?

Yeah, right now.

I think you should.

I was talking to Caratop about this, because it's kind of crazy that he's

the only guy that does props now.

Yeah.

When I first started out, there was a lot of prop comics. It was a common thing. But Caratop got so big that the upcoming people thought they would be stealing if they started doing props.

But I think it's a legitimate idea for you. This was like way funnier than the other stuff.

You're very clever.

You're very clever.

You didn't like the Rocket Money joke?

It was okay.

Rocket Money.

Turns out I have two Rocket Money subscriptions.

That's good.

Yeah, it's good.

That's good.

You didn't get anything for D-Madness?

I did, and that's the final gift of the night. D-Madness, I heard you lost your eyes in that tragic accident.

Jesus Christ. So I actually got you. Not at all what happened, but.

I got you some brand new eyes.

Oh.

Oh, they really broke.

They really broke.

They already broke, everybody.

Okay, I thought that was gonna go better too. Okay, so that was this Kill Tony set.

You did good, Jack. Thank you for all the gifts. Thank you. D-Madness, those are googly eyes if you're wondering what's going on. It's good.

Keep that trans flag away from D-Madness or else he's gonna light on fire. Famous homophobe D Madness. Okay that's your first comedian of the night but now we go to the bucket where it believe it or not it's usually more insane so we're gonna see what happens here your first bucket full tonight make some noise for Kojak everybody 60 seconds uninterrupted, and then an interview for Coach Ed.

Hey, people keep asking me why I did Jake Paul dirty in the sixth round. I said, come on, bro, I'm not even British. Stop playing. I do like boxing, though. Rest in peace to George Foreman, boxing legend. Died a couple months ago. You guys know George Foreman? Notably known for naming all his kids George Foreman, even the girls.

But also, the George Foreman grill. I'm sure you all had a George Foreman grill, right? I just moved into my new apartment. I got a George Foreman grill, but I'm a little cheap, so I got a knockoff version. I got the George Floydman grill. It's sort of like the George Foreman grill,

but you gotta press down extra hard to get the grill marks.

Ah!

Call me Kojak Kaepernick out this bitch. I'm just... I expected the grow marks to say be till beat BLT but it ends up saying BLM and that's what I give I used to counterfeit 20 to pay for so I guess that's what I get all right thank you

that's my time thank you Kojak ladies and gentlemen George Floyd man girl look at that welcome Kojak How long you been doing stand-up?

Four years. Once we opened, as soon as you opened this, about three years. As soon as the mothership opened, I started.

Nice. What made you want to start then?

I've been watching Kill Tony since 2015.

Amazing.

I saw you at the end.

How old are you? You look like you could be 20 or 65.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

I'm 46.

Really?

Wow, look at that.

Wow.

Yeah, I believe it. You're doing good. How do you stay so young looking?

I stay in the gym.

I stay in. Yeah You have 24 24 hour fitness membership

Yeah, I'm fit man. I do some things my left, you know

You just looked at Joe Rogan and said I love I

Lift I was uncomfortable I love weights. Okay. Say I run. All right. What do you do for a living? I am the number one waiter in Austin, Texas at a fine dining establishment.

OK.

I took care of Shane.

Like, what? Yeah.

Last week.

Yeah, I was with Egan and McCann and Sam Talent.

Yeah.

Nice.

Right after, yeah.

How was I? I don't care about the, what was the name of the restaurant? Do you want to say? I don't fucking remember, it was good though, you were great. I didn't know you were so fucking racist, but... I would have left a bigger tip. No, but that was crazy to do that in front of all these whites. Even I didn't like that

We gotta be careful out there man a lot of George Floyd types out there I saw three on my way in

What does that mean?

Where are you from? Billy yo 20 second and diamonds I plan. Oh wow all right well the hood yeah, I'm playing. Oh wow, all right, well. The Hood. Yeah.

Wow.

I take back every joke I made about you.

Dude.

How was I? I waited on you, was I a great waiter?

You were great, you were wonderful.

Thank you, my friend.

I remember it, yeah.

You don't wanna say the restaurant because you think you'll get in trouble don't go to my restaurant but Wow I don't say it now definitely don't say it's gonna fire you bro but those are you listening for those of you maybe not watching and just listening to the podcast the Kojak is black everybody I know he's extremely racist but I promise you he is black this is incredible I

just have a problem with George Floyd why what's your problem trying to make they said he was my hero I had George Floyd and fucking P Diddy to look up to

as heroes I think all the educated blacks would agree I mean, do you say what you got to say?

And I think all the educated blacks would agree.

Oh shit. Again, he's black.

Where's Candace Owens when you need her?

Wow. So Jack, when you say you're the number one waiter in all of Austin, what do you mean by that?

That means I was rated number one in all of Austin by anyone that comes in and I take care of.

Okay. All right.

Steak? You like steak?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You like bone-in filet?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like bone-in at my butt. Just beat me to the punch on that.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm just, yeah, he likes hot dogs. He's got any hot dogs in that sick house? This guy will fucking... Yes, I'll have six hot dogs.

That juicy.

We got a nice petite filet for you.

Oh my god.

Oh.

Boo.

All right, brother.

Kojak, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or waiting tables?

I do a lot of cooking at home.

I have a, I'm always at H-E-B shopping. So I have a lot of.

I love H-E-B. I am always at HGB shopping so I have a lot of HGB my boyfriend is Puerto Rican so we make a lot of

Gay black if you have that on your bingo card Again, if you were on prize picks if you were on prize picks and you bet only $2 that the first bucket pool would be a gay, black, racist against black comedian. With only a $2 bet, you just won $3.5 billion. This is why you need to go to prize picks, use the promo code Tony and place your bets.

A $2 bet would have gotten you 3.5 billion. Gay, black, racist against blacks. Do you want to be my new best friend? No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Do you like hot dogs?

How do you like hot dogs?

We'll put those on your George Foreman grill. We'll have a hell of a night. Tell us about this Puerto Rican boyfriend. What does he do for work?

He works at H-E-B. Wow. I get that discount.

Oh my god, what's he work in? The bakery?

Nah, he's in the meat aisle Tony.

What part of H-E-B. does he work at?

He's a bagger.

Ooh, a bagger. Look at that.

That's the only time he bags, right?

Yeah.

Raw dog motherfucker.

That's right.

I'm 20 years a senior, so I bagged him.

Wow. H.E.B.

Ooh, racist gay pedophile. Racist gay black pedophile racist gay black pedophile racist gay black pedophile racist gay black pedophile you're that whole flag that was just out here racist gay black pedophile racist gay black pedophile

racist gay black pedophile

racist gay black pedophile racist gay black pedophile Wow. Oh my god. How long you been with this bag boy? Five and a half years. Wow.

His in-laws are, well my in-laws are moving here. He's got his mom and his grandmom to come move. Oh my goodness. And it's a little bit of an age gap but me and his mom are the same age so that was a, that was a hill to get over with a young you're even with the young how 47 is 46 that's even worse is he 15 years old like why is he a bagger there you go hey shut up how old is he Kojak fucking mean he just turned 25 Wow look at you, y'all care about gay shit now?

Get the fuck out of here. Like y'all fucking care about gay shit all of a sudden.

Fuck out of here.

I love it. H-E-B now, HIV later. How exciting is your life?

Let's fucking go.

Well, Kojak, uh, fun times. You know, I like the George Floydman joke. You're getting a big joke book, buddy.

There you go.

Help me!

We're gonna keep it moving along.

Hey, can you come? Will you come? And I'll serve you.

Come to my restaurant.

I don't know what fucking, or you didn't want to say the name of the restaurant. Shane'll tell you.

Yeah, the Lowercase Grill.

Lowercase Grill.

Hey, that's code, dude.

I don't know what you guys do. He knows, Shane's up.

Thank you, you guys are great.

There he goes, all right. Kojak, everybody. There he goes. Right out the back door just like he likes it. Oh there's the lovely Heidi everybody. Look at her, she's gonna be working hard tonight on these Bud Lights. Live in the flesh, HeidiRegina.com She's got a podcast, a bunch of shit going on.

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and start selling today at shopify.com slash killtony. Go to shopify.com slash killtony. That's shopify.com slash killtony. Here your first this new year with Shopify by your side. On back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted.

This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Nick Tormey, everybody. Here we go. Nick Tormey.

Hey, everybody.

So a little bit about me. I'm not really great at following through on things. Like, I dropped out of community college twice. I tried hanging myself, wound up with a choking fetish. The rope broke from the ceiling, but I shot a few more right back up there. You never know when you're going to find a new hobby.

Like, you think anyone ever found out they're good at parkour by attempting suicide? They jump from the building, then the moment before impact, they tuck and roll. Some French guy show up, house meeting, starts playing. I think it's much more likely someone's attempted parkour and found out they're good at suicide.

All right. There he is, Nick Tormey. Is this your first time on the show, Nick? Yes, sir.

Welcome, welcome.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About six years.

Nice.

Where at?

Mostly Salt Lake. Okay. That's where you live still? No, I moved down here in August. Welcome welcome. How long you been on stand-up about six years nice. We're at mostly Salt Lake, okay? That's where you live still no I moved down here in August Okay, how do you like Austin? I love it. It's awesome. What do you love about it? I like that. There's no winter I'm a big fan of that

Winter yeah, I I'm from upstate, New York Then I lived on top of a mountain in Utah in a van for four years, so...

Yeah.

Fucking drive down!

Talking about!

Took me four years to realize that shit. I'm not a smart man.

I love it.

What do you do for work?

I did work at the ski resort for a while. That doesn't exist down here. I'm working for Amazon right now. I'm working for the devil. It's pretty fun.

You're driving?

Yeah.

Okay, what's that like?

Oh, awful.

Yeah, tell us. What do you hate about it?

They have you on a camera at all times. It's like an AI camera that's tracking you the whole time. And I also threw out my back yesterday, so I was walking around like Quasimodo for most of my deliveries.

Wow, the last comic blew out his back too. Yeah, so Nick, tell us more. What are you into, buddy? You have any special skills or talents that might surprise us? You seem like you have a little something up your sleeve.

Me and, I'm engaged. Me and my fiance collect taxidermy. Oh, wow.

Where'd you meet this bag boy at?

I met her at an open mic.

Huh?

I met her at an open mic.

Oh, nice.

She does comedy, too?

Yep.

Yeah.

Wow.

Interesting.

Did she sign up tonight?

She did. She's over... She's at the bar next door?

Yeah, she is.

Colt, do you know who that is? Holly.

What's her name?

What is it?

Holly.

Holly what? Jensen. Holly Jensen. Go grab Holly Jensen. Let's see who the funniest person in this couple is. Always spontaneous fun here.

Have a Holly Jensen Christmas.

Come on folks. How did you get into collecting taxidermy?

Uh, she got me into it. I got her a taxidermied frog. It's like a cane toad. Like the invasive species in Australia. It's like a purse.ad, like the invasive species in Australia. It's like a purse. Uh... She has it with her.

Uh...

Tell Holly to bring the frog. I want to see the frog.

I want to take a look at that.

That's so crazy. My wife would stab me.

No, she loves it.

And we got some bats. We got some mice in a teacup.

Was she doing van life with you, or did you meet her here? She lived in the van for a year with me.

Did you ever get close to the old patino?

I do like national parks. Big fan of the park system.

I feel like a fight in a van would suck.

Oh, it's awful. Yeah, there's not much room.

Yeah. Yeah, I think I saw a documentary on Netflix about this once.

Yeah.

That was my joke, you dumbasses.

Oh, you did?

Yeah, I said her name. Oh, I missed it.

Say her name.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I love it.

So you got bats.

I didn't get any. So you got bats, you got rats, what else? We got a taxidermied fox we just got. We got a praying mantis. And she found a big dragonfly in the woods that we're keeping in the freezer right now.

Shit.

They say there's someone for everyone.

So you guys.

Today you see proof.

So you guys have a place. It's here in Austin. What does she do for work?

Nothing right now. Looking for something.

Do you get used taxidermy? Like people that have died that have sold it? So it's like creepier?

She would probably love that for sure. But no, we went to a store.

They had human skulls too. It was weird. And spines.

Ladies and gentlemen. Well, I guess they just sent her out. Okay, that's one way to do it. Uh...

Let me...

Can I see that frog? Yeah.

Wow.

That is crazy. He's got a little butthole. Wow He's got a little butthole

Is that real yeah, it looks fake 100% real how do you know it's real Joe Rogan? He's an invasive species in Australia. He's a cane toad

His name is Winston. He's our son. Wow. Terrifying. Look at that. That's incredible I think it's a I don't see a dick on it I don't know it might be your daughter. Holly you want to do the set that you were planning on doing here? That's how I would have done it instead of just sending her out randomly I would have brought her up. Ladies and gentlemen doing 60 seconds uninterrupted make some noise for Holly Jensen, everybody. -$

So I'm actually from Salt Lake City, Utah. I just moved here. And the first thing everybody always asks is if I'm Mormon. I'm not. I'm Jewish. But I did have a lot of Mormon boyfriends growing up. The cool thing about Mormon boyfriends

is they have some really weird rules. Like, they won't drink coffee, but they will finger a Jew. I've been having a hard time getting a job out here in Austin. When I was in Salt Lake, I was a stripper. Thank you, so much more supportive than my parents. I appreciate it. They hated the stuff that I would do at work.

Like I loved showing up with googly eyes as pasties. Turns out men don't like it when the tits stare back at them. Shit kept going wrong at the strip club. Like one day our DJ didn't show up, so we had to dance to Pandora radio

with the commercials on. So I was just twer working on some old dude like do you struggle with osteoporosis thank you that's my time Wow

oh my god this is one of the rare comedy couples where the woman is funnier than the man again if you bet this on prize

picks you just won $750,000 he's taking her straight to a state park

you cannot allow that you have to kill her now you have to kill her yeah she's

about to be axodermy her bro yeah she's about to be in the freezer next to the dragonfly. Holly, you're hilarious. How long have you been doing stand up?

Eight years.

Awesome.

And that was all in upstate New York or Salt Lake City?

Oh, Salt Lake City, Utah.

And that's where you're from? Yeah. Amazing. Absolutely incredible.

Why don't you work?

Oh, I mean, I've been trying. I've been applying to jobs.

What are you good at? What do you want to do?

I'm good at stripping. I love doing stuff.

Really?

I love doing both of those things. So yeah, a job in either of those things would be great.

You've done, you've stripped before yeah amazing Heidi what do you think can you get her a job you just got a job at the yellow rose congratulations or at least an audition this is the worst night of this

guy's life No, you're fired.

This poor guy is going to be all alone tomorrow night at 2.30am petting a fucking dead bat. He talked about he tried to kill himself. Holy shit. Well, you guys fucking just did something real special here. Very entertaining. We got a small one for Nick. You guys want him to get a big one? Alright, you guys are both getting big ones there you go there goes Nick for me and Holly Jensen

everybody know what Holly next year I would love to have you on the secret

show all right next year Christmas music. Alright. Why'd you word it like that? Because he's completely buffooned. You mean January?

No, next Thursday's Christmas week after.

So January.

Yeah, so January.

Say fucking January.

Yeah, just say the next Secret Show. Yeah, next year.

Hey, I'd love to have you next decade, don't I?

Jesus Christ.

You're unbelievable.

I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie. Jesus Christ.

Unbelievable.

Well, it's been a hell of an episode so far. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Floyd Jones, everybody. Here we go.

So are we just going to act like Kanye wasn't a Nazi? That's just how we're, okay, perfect. Uh, I don't know if you guys heard, he actually changed his name. He's Kanye Auschwitz. Uh, yeah, Kanye, which is crazy. Like he said he was done making music, done making controversial statements. He's actually gonna open a chain of all-natural grocery stores.

He's gonna name it Trader Jew's. I think it's problematic to say the least. But I like the thought of restaurants just fucking up. I think it'd be cool if Olive Garden gave abortions. You know? Because then their tagline could be,

when you're here, you were almost family. That's... Speaking of how I'm a piece of shit at restaurants, because then their tagline could be, when you're here, you were almost family. Speaking of how I'm a piece of shit at restaurants, you guys thought I was Puerto Rican. I'm black, I promise, I've got the paperwork. I'll get 23 and meet right now, even though that just sounds like a cool movie

about Michael Jordan. But white people just need to know, they're like, I just want to make sure, like God. And so I like to go to sushi restaurants, because the waitress is never black. And when she comes over, I go, hi,

could I get some salmon nigiri? And she's like, whoa, you mean nigiri? Wow. Damn.

A lot of oohs and ahs during that set. Floyd Jones.

Wild.

Welcome, Floyd. Is this your first time on the show? Yeah. Talking to grabbing that microphone, buddy.

I don't know how that happened. Yeah.

OK. Welcome. Welcome.

How long you been doing comedy, Floyd?

Uh, since like 2021, you know, January 6th. Right. OK, not great. Uh, okay, Shane knows. Oh my God, Joe Rogan! Dude, hell yeah! You, hey man, without you, oh man.

Fuckin', oh man.

Let's go!

Let's go!

Fuck.

These are your heroes, Joe Rogan.

Honestly, this is like Pokemon. It's like you start at Toadie, you end at Shade, and like, ah, the Charizard himself, dude.

Holy fuck, dude.

Oh, dude, let's go.

Where was this?

Where was this?

You're making it funny.

Hey, dude, I wasn't ready for it. I'm sorry. Yeah.

People are having better interviews than sets tonight.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, hey.

Floyd, tell us about you. What do you not do for a living?

I just, uh, care. I guess care.

What do you...

No, I play music, man. I'm a drummer and a metal...

You're a professional musician? Yeah, in a metal band. Really? You're a drummer. Yeah. Well, I mean It's been a long time since we've done this but for those of you that are fans of the show you might know That if anybody that does comedy on this show drums, we have a little thing where They get a drum solo and our house drummer gets a drum solo and

the guest drummer is able to beat our drummer in a In a drum off they become the full-time drummer of the show so like Highlanders a drum off here and if you beat Michael Gonzalez in the drum solo off you become the full time drummer on the show and Michael has to dress like a five year old and play in a metal band. This is a Mexican drum-off, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I must warn you, Floyd Jones, Michael Gonzalez, all time, is undefeated here on his home turf.

But I'm guessing that Floyd, since he does this for a living, might have a little something. Well, we know he doesn't have anything up his sleeve because he's wearing a basketball jersey, but I'm guessing he is very talented. Let's see what happens here.

This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Netflix. January 12th. One, two, three, four. So There you go! That is indeed a drum solo! That is a good one! That is a good one! I really fucking hope Michael puts it together here. I would hate to look at those flabby arms every week. Incredible amount of blatant ozempic weight loss on this guy. Wow, defending his throne, undefeated all time

in Mexican drum offs, on his home turf,

this is Michael Gonzalez. so Let's see.

Unfortunately it's not up to us. It is up to the live audience here. Do we have a decibel meter? I can't remember, we have it going? All right, so here we go. Colt on the camera, on the decibel meter.

How many of you have Floyd Jones winning this Mexican drum off? Make some noise. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? Wow, thank God. I may have affected this election, wouldn't be the first time. But... Floyd, you gave it a hell of a run. It was very good. Good interview, good set.

I guess you get to keep those drumsticks. There's a big joke book. There he goes, Floyd Jones, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Floyd saying goodbye to Shane and Lord Charizard, or whatever he said. There's another Bud Light brought to you by Bud Light. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special time in the show's history, because we have a brand new regular who has absolutely

taken the show over by storm. This is a brand new set. They get to do a little bit longer than a minute if they want. And this is the Dark Storm of Atlanta, ladies and gentlemen. He is here. Make some fucking noise for Detrick Flynn

Yeah, oh

My god, what you know about being the only black dude at a country music festival in Kennesaw, Georgia called Shaky Boots Festival

Yeah, no, I only found that out cuz when I walked into the venue, a dude ran up to me out of breath and he was like, hey my nigga, you know you out of uniform, right? And I was like, no, I'm here for the festival. I love Blake Shelton. I love Kenny Chesney. And he was like, nigga, stop lying. I got an extra vest in my car.

And I was like, no, I'm here for the festival. And I showed him my ID and I showed him my badge. And he looked at my ID and he looked at my badge. He looked at me and he looked at my...

Tasha!

You're gonna want to hear this.

So Tasha came over. I met Tasha. She did the same thing.

Jamal!

I met everybody one by one. I made all 37 black people like I'm a black Noah's Ark. They kept calling me the Dave Walker. They said I was Blade. And it was a great country music festival, man, because all the black people that was working the event kept giving me free drinks, but they also had re-entry.

They stopped doing it. They had re-entry into the festival, so we'd just go to the car and like parking lot pimp, drink beers. And the reason why we knew it was time to go drink beers is because my best friend, Jessie, who's a redneck Filipino but raised black because she was my best friend, her older sister Jackie had just had a kid and she would look us in the face and she would be like I need to get

out of here my tits about to pop I gotta go pump. So we would go back to the car and she's chugging beers we're all drinking beers and she's pumping but she pumped more than like a regular like a white woman could never pump as much milk as it take to make a redneck Filipino that's raised black. Like my nephew Maxwell today, he's 10 years old, he's taller than me.

So she's pumping a lot and I'm looking at her titty milk and I wanted to taste some, but I ain't know how to ask. And then God got my back so much, he confused my friend Derek. My friend Derek saw me looking at the breast milk and he was like, yo, I bet you $100 you won't drink Jackie's breast milk. Nigga, I was already thinking about it. I, I, I, she got a husband. I don't know how you ask somebody like,

are y'all a couple?

How do you get, if you have breast milk, I gotta be like, hey, excuse me, brother. This breast milk, you ain't bringing it to your kids. It got alcohol in it. Can I, can I sip some before you pour it on the ground? But for a100, I could at least buy one t-shirt while I'm inside the goddamn place.

So I was like, hell yeah, let's run it. And so they brought the funnel out because it was too much titty milk to just sip. It was too much to sip. You got to bring the funnel out. It was like two gallons of titty milk she was pumping.

And I chugged it all in eight seconds flat. I was doing a great job. Also, I don't know if y'all love titties as much as I do, but I research them. Breast milk tastes like whatever the mom is eating and drinking.

So her titty milk just tasted like Tecate and tequila with a little bit, it tastes like a redneck Filipino horchata. You know what I'm saying? It tastes like a little redneck Filipino horchata, but also if y'all study titties as much as I do,

you would know that a titty milk has all the vitamins. I haven't had a hangover in 12 years, nigga. I'm doing good. That's my time, I'm calling y'all later.

Dead Drip, Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Speech impediment still there one of my favorite one of my favorite parts of the set is when you said I wanted to taste them but I Didn't know how to ask The grill is affecting those s's it is It is

I'm not used to money Tony

It's amazing that you're willing to make the sacrifice Out with the s's in with the gold teeth still making it work plowing

Camoed up tonight look at that. Oh, yeah, I got I got that shit on Tony. That's a right that shit on hell. Yeah

That ain't shit on you know I'm talking about no you don't yo you use it you still disguising that forehead that shit is big as hell yeah that shit swooped over but it's

still a screen TV bro good luck don't let anyone talk to you take your head off Shane fuck you dude

don't look David Lucas is good at it we already have one David don't do that my pockets fat enough but not me you know if you did a belugas yeah David's

a David Lucas is also wearing a grill right now, it's a green egg. Okay, is that right?

Green egg?

It wasn't the reference that threw it off.

Tendonism!

My delivery's a little bit floppy tonight.

I'll take them out.

No, it's good.

I won't talk to you. It was good to see y'all.

I'll get you more teeth if you kill David Lucas

Don't you guys think I was serious

dead Okey-dokey

Right dead Rick house life been going man. I'm doing good. I've got them torn like a motherfucker. We just left Lincoln California together yeah, I took deadrick on our first road gig together. Yeah that was fun as a mother. I ain't never been on a private jet nigga. I was I was so used to getting pat down. They just walked down it's like dude would

you like a coffee and I was like am I an interrogation? I'm ready to snitch on you. I don't know what you did yeah it was a fun trip we especially the ride back in yeah that was so man yeah it was a blast it was actually a very good red band yes we we banged disgusting pig. I like where he's going. Of course you do.

Yeah. It's funny.

You're the diddler.

Yeah.

No offense.

That's why. That's where his new lisp actually comes from. Yeah.

He knocked his teeth.

Alright.

Alright, sorry.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dad, Rick, dead. Rick, dead.

You guys have seen dead. The dark storm of Atlanta. What are our thoughts, Joe Rogan, other than his jacket and his hat? What do you like about him?

You just got a completely new style. It's like your own thing.

It's great. I love it.

Thank you so much for a bunch of time.

Now, it's fun. Fun. Get. Thank you so much. I've seen you perform a bunch of times. It's fun.

Get rid of the grill though.

It's ridiculous. You can't even talk. You know you got money.

Either get real gold teeth or stop fucking around.

Okay?

Those aren't even like fake tits. They're like the rubber ones you stuff in your bra. Just get a goddamn operation and commit to a look. Okay? to a look. That's so crazy. Those are real. Oh, there you go.

That's what I like.

Hey Joe, you can affect how much I get paid every week. You got enough, give me the real gold teeth nigga. I'll go get them. I don't give a fuck. I got this to prove to my neighborhood I was doing good. But nigga, if you Joe Rogan, good. But nigga, you Joe Rogan.

You know Joe Rogan. You know Joe Rogan. Name one thing about me. All right, all right. So you had a power to change my whole life, Joe Rogan.

You could put those on like a rope and just wear them around your neck and everybody would know you have money and they would be able to hear you pronounce your S's correctly.

Yeah, I'm gonna tell you right now, Tony, I'm from the South. We ain't pronounce no S or T's the whole time I've been talking, but sometimes they don't understand me on the internet, so I can talk how I want to.

I agree, I agree.

Like a slut.

Freedom of, freedom of speech. Uh, Dedrick, you've done it again. We love you. Freak of nature, the dark storm of Atlanta has graced us with his presence. On and on we go. Back to the bucket. This person has to follow Dedrick.

Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for what appears to be a new name. Tyler Cole, everybody everybody here comes Tyler Cole

Do y'all think Indians do that head bob thing when they're sucking dick oh my god, this is so big Did y'all hear Joe Biden woke up today? Yeah, so six more weeks of recession, that's what that means. So I went on a first date the other day, told the girl I was a comic, and she said, no way, I'd love to see you perform sometime. And I said, well, we should probably have sex first.

So you can appreciate just how long five minutes really is.

It's a long time, I swear.

Do we

have any fans of Jersey Shore in here? Yeah someone told me the other day I look like a cast member on the upcoming spin-off Gaza Shore. It's just five Jews and five Palestinians arguing for an hour. This bedroom was promised to me. Someone also told me I look like the situation in the Middle East. And then they said it looks like my forehead could bench press 225 pounds.

That was really rude.

I've been Tyler Cole, thank you guys.

Tyler Cole. Making fun of himself throughout. Fun stuff. Tyler, welcome. Is this your first time on the show?

It is.

Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up?

Four months now.

That chain's kinda tight, huh?

A little bit, yeah.

Is... Is...

Are you... Are you a pit bull? What is going on? What exactly is happening over there

Is that the size that you wanted to be I got the size wrong

Did you just wrap deadrix grill around your neck

It's like an autorotic fixation thing you know

Something yeah, I guess You're trying to look cool, right? under your neck? It's like an autorotic fixation thing, you know? Something.

Yeah.

I guess.

You're trying to look cool, right? You got me.

But once you put it on, weren't you like, no? I was like, fuck it, I spent 50 bucks.

How much did you spend on that?

50 bucks, he was right.

Wow! Ladies and gentlemen, Shane Gillis.

You don't think I've run into a tight chain?

You gotta take that thing off, dude.

Where'd you get it, like Hot Topic or something?

I did indeed get it at Hot Topic, yes.

Did you really?

No, I forget, I don't know.

You forget? Where you got the chain that squeezes your neck all day it's cuz it's so tight I forgot you get it What part of New Jersey are you from exactly Tyler? I'm from Austin Tony. Born and raised in Austin. Born and raised. Wow with the pinky ring and a choker. Yep. Leaning into it. Amazing. What ethnicity are you?

White.

British. Just regular white.

Yeah.

It's the cold.

Not Italian.

Just a buttered noodle.

Wow.

Dude, not Italian.

No, not at all.

This is nuts, dude. You're not Italian. Pinky ring and a necklace. Cabagool shirt. How does this happen? Explain to us how this happened. What exactly how did you end up trying to be Italian?

It's the chain. It's the chain. He bought the chain and it took over.

He's a Wago. He's a Wago. Instead of a Dago, he's a Wago.

You are a Wago.

He's a white Dago. he's a wago. You are a wago. He's a white dago. He's a wago.

Just a big Sopranos fan.

Well, so am I. You don't see me not getting blood to my brain because of it. Tyler, what do you do for work?

I sell houses.

Do you really?

I do really.

Timeshares?

No, houses.

Regular houses.

Regular houses. Regular houses? Regular houses. Are you good at it? Pretty good, yeah.

Yeah, you see the fucking drip?

Yeah, I'd say he's doing alright.

When's the last time you exactly that you sold a house? When you closed on a house, when was it?

It was in October, but I have a closing coming up tomorrow. Okay, what are you closed on a house when was it it was in October but I have a closing coming up tomorrow okay what are you closing on tomorrow just a 2,000 square foot house in South Austin okay what'd you sell it for how much three hundred eighty thousand Wow

okay hell yeah dude might be able to add a few links to that necklace.

Holler at your boy. I love it. Okay.

What do you do?

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Four months. Four months.

What made you want to start four months ago? Kill Tony. How old are you? 31.

31.

And you've just been watching the show and you're like I could do that. Yeah. Okay.

Just been hitting open mics and getting booked by local promoters and... I love it.

Yeah. You're taking it seriously and you seem to be doing good at it. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up and selling houses and pretending to be Italian?

I like to shoot clays and when it's warm out, wakeboarding, paddleboarding. Yeah. When you shoot clays, do you get the gun out of the bathroom first?

Yes.

It's a godfather reference.

Godfather jokes. Come on.

I love it. You shoot clays. What else did you say?

Lake sports.

Lake sports. Like what? What exactly?

Wakeboarding, wake surfing.

Wow. Amazing. Amazing, Tyler. What's your love life like? Lake sports lake sports like what what exactly wakeboarding wake surfing Wow

amazing Amazing Tyler. What's your love life? Like you have a little little chicken parmesan at home Single currently single when's the last time you Oof, my fun goo. What? What? What? What?

What?

What?

What?

What? right now yeah oh my god it's a crazy race to appropriate what the fuck I just started acting like Polish what I like being Polish what the fuck who compares the Italians all the season two of the wire now I'm a Polack you're not Polish no I do look pretty fucking Polish. Yeah Pretty glaringly Irish, but whatever. Yeah, you don't see me wearing shirts about it

So this relationship that ended a few years ago, how did it end

Found out she was married Wow

Okay, I love this my god. Am I good at these little interviews. How did you find out? Exactly how did you find out that she was married? How long were you hooking up with her? Give us a ballpark here.

It was like nine months in that she told me she was.

Nine months in and she just told you?

Yeah, when we first started dating, she said that...

You weren't dating. You were fucking and hanging out sometimes. She was married. Go ahead.

When we first started fucking, she said she was divorced.

And then nine months later, she was like, oops, actually, I'm not divorced.

Okay, where were you exactly when she told you this? Were you at a Best Buy, perhaps?

No, we were bartending together at a club on 6th Street

and she told me while I was at work.

Wow. Amazing. And that was that.

Yeah.

She must have been fun.

Yeah.

You see his face?

Can you give us an example of the favorite sex?

Crazy bitch that doesn't tell you she's married for nine months. Working alongside you and fucking you and let's go to dinner.

Fucking maniac. I bet she was so much fun. Can you give us an example of a fun sexual experience that you had with her? You guys ever bang at the bar in the car outside? We did in fact bang at the bar, yeah. You banged at the bar? Yeah. Da ba da ba diggy diggy diggy said the boogie said up chop the boogie banged at the bar to bang

uh take us through this how do you bang at the bar

just various locations you know this is you guys closing yeah we'd already closed like an hour ago yeah and she grabbed you by your

chain and said come over here

That's what it sounded like it's that's Tom Siger after breaking his arm

So let me ask you this that rules as you're at the bar, right? You're serving beverages. But you're with a married woman. So where are you finishing? You have to... Is it inside or are you pulling out?

That's a really good question.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah.

There's... Every answer is bad.

Let's go.

She was on birth control. So in oh, wow.

Oh my cream pie.

Yeah, the special delivery. Yeah, daddy.

It's a fake cannoli. It's not actually a cream pie.

It's a vegan cannoli. It's not actually a cream pie. It's a vegan cannoli. Cannoli. I'm a stoner.

Some poor guy. Poor guy eating her out later.

Comes home from the bar. He goes,

How is your night?

Salty.

Italian?

Yeah.

Tastes like...

Why did you...

Tastes like dairy-free Alfredo.

Wow.

My God.

Mountain house meal.

Absolutely incredible.

That's an evil world.

Evil world. Wife's got pied by a Wapit's bar.

Does the husband know about you?

Did the husband ever find out? This is the billion dollar question.

I mean, they were separated, so they didn't live together. They weren't really involved.

How the fuck do you know?

I went to her house a few times.

Whoa.

Did they have kids?

No, no kids.

No kids. Yeah. No, no kids. No kids. Yeah, but they got back together. She told you and she you haven't banged since they did not get back together They didn't get back together, but she got married Okay Well, that's interesting. Yeah, that's a whole different happy ending. So then why would you why?

I

Don't really get it. She tells you that she's fun Tony. Okay, you'll just let a girl have fun Yeah, you want to stomp out all the crazy people in this world to make everything fucking boring. No, I just don't understand

Fuck the guy at work

She yelled at you to come inside I have no more questions your honor did she yell tell us

I need to hear shit like this come on paisan call you what was her nickname for you there was no nickname yeah there was it was come on get the fuck out of here this guy what was the name of the bar that you guys were banging? Don't ruin everyone's life.

You're so evil.

Tyler, the set was for four months pretty good. The interview, unfucking believable. Here's a big joke book. There you go, my friend. Tyler Cole, a hell of a catch. Hell of an interview, very honest. Remember, you future Kill Tony bucket

pulls, we love an honest interview. Some people get scared. All right, this looks like a new name, this looks like a fun name. Ladies and gentlemen gentlemen put your hands together for Diamond Debbie everybody here comes Diamond Debbie oh my god let's fucking go guys you got to do better than that make some noise for Diamond Debbie ladies and gentlemen Oh

Blue hair ladies, we know things by this age I know when I had too much to drink it like you youngins his diapers leak y'all I Was a single mom with an only child and I highly don't recommend that to any youngins either if only I'd had a litter Surely one of them would have failed at life and wanted to stay home and take care of me. Hey, and what's all this about the T-word? We had that T-word back in the 60s, y'all. Tomboy. Most of us grew out of it. The rest became y'all's gym teachers. Well, I was looking for love in all the wrong places during the pandemic. I mean, the nursing homes. But you know, the competition's pretty stiff.

There are women outlive men, and there's a lot of Debbies in there, I'm telling you. But by now, even the guys with dementia, after four or five times, they got it figured out. I'm not Debbie with the pop-out plate. Nah, not me.

They can see me coming. They just call me, oh, Bluetooth. Well, that's it. When life beats you up and you gotta start over like I'm always having to do, I just say, Jesus, take my joystick, I'm coming home.

Thank you.

Wow, Diamond Debbie, welcome, welcome, welcome. Oh my goodness. This is your first time on the show. I would remember you.

Well, you know, you've walked by me a few times in my chair, but, you know, I'm, you know, crotch level.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, so I get overlooked a lot. This is my 111th sign-up.

No fucking way.

I have been...

I... No fucking way. I have been...

I have been first in line at least 90% of those times. And Tony, you've got to do some exercise. Your wrist never goes to the bottom of the bucket.

You'd be surprised.

You'd be surprised.

Diamond Debbie, how many centuries have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Yeah, Diamond, how come you didn't let Jack on that fucking door those Titanic joke

they do rocky money she's she's either the girl from Titanic or the rock that she threw in the bottom of the ocean. I can't tell exactly.

I am a heavyweight.

Oh, D-Madness is making his move right now, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, D and I had an agreement, see, because I grew up playing bass guitar, but I didn't have one at home to practice on. So he plays by ear and I only sight read so it wouldn't be fair.

Fuck yeah, Diamond Debbie.

But seriously, how long you been doing standup? 111 signups, but.

Okay, I started in seven years ago and right the same month that I started it, I got run over. My wheelchair is crash test approved by the DOT, a Tesla, and me. It was going 45 miles an hour.

If Elon Musk had been driving I would be okay, but the dentist was driving. I never heard of a Tesla hitting a trash can.

Hold on a second. You were in your wheelchair and you got hit by a Tesla?

Going 45 miles an hour crossing the street in my neighborhood. Oh my. And that Tesla got messed up, honey. My chair was laying on the ground and I was standing up at the end of it.

What the fuck were you doing out in the road?

Well, you know.

Hold on. That's something I want to talk about. Yeah. You know, it's odd, but we do have the right to go outside.

Wow.

Diamond Debbie.

This is incredible. She's only 25 years old.

That's why she looks like that.

Yeah.

No, honey, I got socks older than you.

Damn right. And Red Band's like 55, so that's crazy. How old are you, Diamond Debbie?

I'm 67 years old and on 111, and this is my 111th sign up, I'll be 68.

Wow.

Look at that, 111. You're 68. 112, the new Netflix special, Kill Tony, Once Upon a Time in Texas, streaming live on Netflix Give something to do the day after your birthday. How exciting is that it's good if you make it there

Well, well, I think my daughter's phone number is in your phone But she hasn't talked to me in nine years. Okay.

Yeah. Is her name Little Debbie?

Yeah.

Very exciting.

Can we get a phone unlocker? Very exciting, Diamond Debbie.

Damn, so you couldn't even hear that Tesla coming, huh?

It just came out of fucking nowhere.

Or did you see it and you're like, oh. She's a burlesque performer, and she's very very famous

Your daughter is a famous. I'm gonna let it go Tony. Yes. There is really trying to hook me up with her daughter No, no, no cubic zirconium, Debbie Nah, okay, Debbie. Let's talk about it. What the fuck have you been doing the last 67 years? Well, my favorite thing is see, I grew up in a day when women

couldn't get car loans or buy houses. So I wasn't allowed to take auto mechanics or shop. So my favorite hobby right now is taking in the quantum wheelchair like I have, and fixing them up and giving them to people and helping them learn how to drive and go outside because, you know, we've been locked up too long in the pandemic. And without home health care, you can go

get your own groceries. It's fun.

Wow.

Yeah.

OK.

Wait.

I get around. I go 6 and 1 1 miles an hour in the e-bike lane.

Wait, you got hit on the road? Were you fucking flying?

Yeah.

Were you, like, I'm sorry I thought the way you were talking you were like going to like the grocery store Just fucking flying I'm sorry. I thought you were juicing those things. Oh, they do fly

Sorry you guys don't like it. Diamond Debbie, what made you want to start stand up comedy?

Well, it's funny.

I was doing Toastmasters and I like to give hour long speeches and the guy that was...

Hold on, hold on. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. What's Toastmasters?

It's an organization to help you learn how to give speeches professionally, right? And so I signed up with them because it was online. But the friend told me that he could talk for an hour and all anybody remembers is a couple of jokes. So I'm like, why don't I tell jokes instead?

So that's what I did.

Wow, look at you. You're such a little charming lady. Where are you from?

Oklahoma. Home is my home. Okay, I grew up in Oklahoma. Yeah.

All right.

And you drove your wheelchair all the way here.

Yeah.

Bro, you're going to hell.

Because of this?

Actually.

You think, dude, if I go up to the eyes

If I go up to the gates, and they're just like you remember this lady. It's fucking diamond Debbie. I'm gonna be pissed

All this shit. That's the straw

Where'd you get your name diamond Debbie where you're like a stripper at the black and white rose or something or?

Great question red band that's a solid joke black and white rose that's a solid joke oh I get it I get it now I'm so used to his jokes not making you

anything like this that's a gem

what how did you get the name Diamond Debbie?

Well, I've been trying to...

A diamond lasts forever, and you clearly won't.

I've died.

Oh my God, dude.

We all die!

What's going on? We all die. She's got a sense of humor. The bitch has signed up 111 times.

If anybody can take a joke, it's her, not you fucking pussies so I started writing my second book which is Debbie does

Austin by wheelchair and the star of it was Debbie diamond so I'm diamond Debbie Wow wait so you wrote a book about I'm writing a book called Debbie does Austin by wheelchair when's the Tesla chapter Well, I'm waiting for my happy ending. I haven't had a date...

It's heavy dozen to Austin.

I haven't had a date since I had my last pelvic floor surgery.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Hold on. Hold on. Time out. Time out again. You haven't had a date since when?

I had my pelvic floor vault.

Pelvic floor...

Vault.

Vault. What does that mean?

The bladder comes out and they put it back in.

Okay.

Don't laugh like that, Diamond. Diamond, don't look at me and laugh like that. It makes me laugh. I can't conduct my interview with you laughing like that You're the cutest gremlin I've ever seen in my life

So did it come out?

Yeah, so I haven't had a date since yeah, I haven't had a date since I moved to Austin 11 years ago I tried to date this one guy, but he thought he was above me because he's in a rollator.

He's in a what? A rollator. That's a walker with wheels on it. Oh okay. Have you kissed a boy since moving to Austin? No. Well well well. You know what that means everybody. We have another famous sick on the show. No it's not D-Man. No, not D. Don't do it, D. Is there a guy out there that wants to be a legend and give Diamond Debbie her first kiss? This guy right here. Come on, look at this fucking stud. Look at him. Watch out for the camera right next to him. That's our guy. No, no, sit back down, you creep. That's our guy! No, he's coming right here. Look at this fucking guy.

Oh, she's pissed. Oh, his girlfriend is not happy about this. Oh, which makes it all that much better. Diamond Debbie is about to get her first Austin kiss. Here you go, Diamond Debbie. Wait, she can sing! It's a miracle!

Wait. Oh my, oh my god! Wait, she can sing! It's a miracle! Wait... Oh my... Oh my...

Oh my god! It's alright. Crying. No, it is. That was funny.

That was actually touching.

It was. Diamond Debbie, how do you feel after your first Austin kiss? I'm breathless. I love it. I love it. And that was before the kiss. That's incredible.

That's just from emphysema. There's no guys my age awake this late at night. You know, with the big heartbeat.

Well, you might be surprised. Where's Joe White? Is Joe White out here?

She's three years younger than Ron White.

I know, but he's taken, he told me. And you know what? I make brownies, happy brownies, and they're Cam Patterson special. But I've taken them up to every white guy and not one of them will take

candy from a stranger. When you say the brownies are the Cam Patterson special what exactly do you mean by that? They're peanut butter dark chocolate

fudge mint with walnuts. Wow damn. They have weededing them. They have my medical prescription, you know Yeah, oh my god when I started doing comedy on Monday nights when I came down here two years ago It's the same night as my food pantry and I got down to 80 pounds

Wow, and they thought I had an eating disorder, but you know, it's just kill Tony. Diamond Debbie. I'm getting a word that there's another boy that wants to kiss you. You want to kiss another boy, Debbie? All right, let's send out another one. I'm getting a word that there's one back there. How many times are you're gonna make this poor lady stand up Tony there's one more you say brownie three times

I just got so hard was that a a first? Wow. That improved.

Was that first time with a black guy?

Not my first kiss.

No, she was with George Washington Carver back after he discovered the peanut. That's why she can't walk so good.

Yeah.

She was a marathon runner before her first black guy. I couldn't walk when I started but it took so long to get up here

I learned to walk again. There's videos of me jogging now. I love I love it

I'm getting word that the deadrick just caught polio everybody Diamond Debbie you are an instant legend. I have somehow have run out of big joke books. Do we have more in the back? Great. They're going to hand you one in the back.

And Diamond Debbie, you know, let's just fucking let's just have you sign up again sometime. But why don't we just like time it out so that you don't have to wait out there with all these fucking

The worst part was waiting in the alley when it got cold so cold a couple of weeks ago. Oh my

Start considering these people dude they really want to be a part of the show and you treat them like garbage

How about get some warmers out there or something some kind of heat? Oh, hey Heidi I

Love it. Well, there's one with the Virgin Mary on it. You probably went to high school with her. So I'll give you that one Make some goddamn noise. How loud can this place get for Diamond Debbie? We have all different shapes and sizes of sign ups here tonight and I fucking love it. One hundred and eleven sign ups and she finally got on tonight. That's absolutely insane.

Defies the odds of the bucket but it goes to show the buckets real or else I would have pulled Diamond Debbie out a long time ago. She can't even use cursive either, she has good handwriting. All right you guys still having fun out there? Oh my god she forgot her cane everybody. Kiss number three coming up Shane

Gillis ladies and gentlemen. Let's go.

Did you kiss her?

All right, this next bucket pull is from the inside, everybody. Make some noise for Kelly Quinn. Where the hell's Kelly Quinn at? Oh, they got her already. Great.

I lost my job. My husband suggested volunteering, but I feel like I've given enough back to society. I married a redhead. I used to be a radio DJ and not to brag, but I got loads of handwritten fan mail, all from jail. Prisoners must not have access to high-quality paper. The pages were always stuck together. I have passionate fans.

There's one inmate who had a clearly expressed crush on me. My husband asked me why I was saving all his letters. Evidence. My husband's retired Air Force. The hardest job I ever had was being a military spouse. It's just all day, every day, banging out your partner's PTSD. And does the military recognize us? No! And how could we after being banged that long and that hard? I'm Kelly Quinn reminding you to be a patriot and service

those who service our country. Wow. Kelly Quinn. One of the more serious sets of the night. Kelly, welcome to the show, Kelly. This is your first time on, correct?

I was on about a year and a half ago.

Oh, OK. I don't remember you with the new hat. I didn't know they made hats in uncircumcised penis.

Yeah. I've been married 27 years. I've actually never seen an uncircumcised penis. So if this is what it is, it's pretty hot. It is.

Literally, it's been voted. I'm getting word. It is the worst hat of all time.

Yeah.

That's what the world is saying right now.

Paddington Bear who has that hat. Shh. Where's Diamond Day? That'll go fine.

Kelly, you were on a year and a half ago. How long you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. All of it here in Austin?

I am actually, I live in DFW.

DFW.

Hell yeah.

Okay.

What do you do for work?

So I own a small business. Hell yeah Okay, what do you do for work? so I Own a small business. And so when I lost my job in radio, I just switched full throttle to that and

So the question remains what do you do for work? I own a website called Christmas cockpit comm I run it off a Shopify Oh, we love Shopify. We absolutely love Shopify In fact, you can go to Shopify and start your own business. Not a lot of people know this, but Mattel and Gymshark and a lot of other companies all started with Shopify, ladies and gentlemen.

And on Shopify, you can perhaps hire a-

Hey, did you wear that hat at the men's march?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Remember the pussy hats? At the women's march?

I would be the hat you would wear at the men's march. Stay with us, people.

God damn, dude.

I'm spitting out gold.

It is incredible. You did it, and anyone can do it. Create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. Shopify grows with you.

I love Shopify.

That's right. Shopify.com slash killtoni. That's Shopify.com slash killtoni. Shopify.com slash killtoni. This year, Shopify will be by your side. Okay, Kelly Quinn, tell us the craziest thing

about your life. I've lived in four countries. What were the four countries?

Japan, America, England, and Italy.

Okay, which one do you like the most? America! Very good. That is the correct answer. How long were you in Italy for?

Three years.

Three years, Three years. And yet you don't have a pinky ring, a necklace, or a Gabagool t-shirt. Absolutely incredible. Where in Italy did you live?

Emilia Romano in Ferrara.

Oh, OK.

Si, senorita. Very good. Kelly, you really have a redheaded husband? No. When I married him, he was redheaded, but as a Christian woman, I believed I could pray it away, and I did. Just for men? What happened? No, his hair just got dark. He just turned

into a brunette. What does he do for work?

He's a pilot.

Okay. Alright.

What exactly is ChristmasCockpit.com? So I make stockings, like out of Crown Royal bags.

Okay.

So they're purple stockings? Some of them are. I did make special Kill Tony versions that I brought for you in red band. Nice. That was like a month ago. Apparently, they didn't make it to you.

Oh, we do have those.

We have those, yeah.

Yeah, no, we have those.

You guys kept them?

Hanging by the chimney with carrots.

You guys kept them?

Both of you kept them?

Yeah, totally.

Oh, my god.

Isn't that crazy? them? No, we have them. We really do. We do. We took photos the other day and shared them with our families. Yes, absolutely. They are hung by the chimney with care that hopes that St. Nicholas will soon be there. Kelly, have you ever thought about making yourself a better hat? My husband picked this out for me. Okay. We can tell. He definitely doesn't want you banging other dudes. That's very exciting.

He's like, that hat is an instant boner killer.

Good for you.

From now on, if I'm ever going to finish with a girl too fast, I'm going to picture that hat. Just be like, oh, I'm going to last forever. That hat makes me want to not come all right didn't get the laugh I thought it would but that was funny it's just picture hat some people picture their grandma I will picture that hat Kelly

Quinn you gave us a little stocking you're leaving here with a little stocking, you're leaving here with a little joke book. Congratulations, Merry Christmas.

I spiked it on Joe Rogan!

Wow.

How dare you hit a book at Lord Charizard like that. Alright, back to the bucket we go. You guys still having fun out there? Goddamn motherfucking right. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? This looks like an interesting name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Tadpole Triplet, everybody. Tadpole Triplet,

oh boy. Here we go. Make some noise for Tadpole Triplet everybody. Here we go. The clock has begun.

You ever walk into a room and not be the craziest motherfucker in there? What the fuck is that? I appreciate y'all giving me a little time out of your day. They don't let me out much. I need this shit y'all. I've little time out of your day they don't let me out much I need this shit y'all I've been in a really really dark place lately but I'm about to pay the electric bill so the future is bright but until 100 watt jokes up here no I am NOT Ted Kaczynski Jr. Y'all are insensitive.

Ladies, sliding in my DM, talking about, Typo, why don't you shave? Look at Typo, so handsome, why don't he shave? Because y'all, if I shave, I look like I majored in lacrosse and fraternities. Right, a little rapey. We don't want that. So instead, this is what y'all get.

Look like a homeless MMA fighter. Fucking Connor McBeggar.

Tadpole Triplet has arrived. Welcome to the show, Tadpole.

Who the fuck is this guy? Go fuck outta here.

Still tagging the Conor McBager joke, I see. Set has ended, welcome Tadpole Triplet. Is this your first time on the show?

Yes, sir.

Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing standup?

39 years.

Really? Yes, sir. You've been performing on stage for 39 years?

Yes.

How old are you?

49. I'll be 49 in May.

So you started stand-up comedy when you were 10 years old?

I did my first high five in a second grade talent show.

Are you serious?

I swear to God.

Wow.

OK.

OK.

Wait, you were 10 in second grade?

Botox! Yeah, that checks you out, tadpole.

Oh, Jesus. Oh my God.

Wow. Tadpole triplet. Staring at Joe Rogan like he is the liver King's angry son. I see a resemblance. One could say he's the liver Prince if you will. So tadpole, let's talk about it. You've been doing stand-up comedy for 39 years. What else have you been doing? You look like perhaps some time in Vietnam or something? Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate it.

I spent 20 years in Hollywood.

Okay.

Trying to be cute.

What were you doing in Hollywood?

Mostly a writer.

Okay. Did you write anything that we might recognize? Perhaps some graffiti on a wall or something?

Fucking... The I-5 underpass. That's me.

I got that.

Okay. Probably don't want to think about it. The I5 underpass, that's me. Okay. But what else? Anything creative?

My biggest success was the Tonight Show, Jay Leno.

You wrote that?

Second grade!

Explain to us. I wrote for. You were a staff writer on the Tonight Show?

I was staff and I wrote for the Tonight Show. I was assistant and I wrote for the tonight show I was assistant segment producer but the guy I worked for had a lung transplant I spent six months just in the writers room trying to learn how to write a joke you were in the studio in Burbank California in Burbank California Wow how long was that Boulevard it was 25 years ago Bill Clinton was the president Wow

fucking Botox you want Botox. This is incredible.

I'm 74.

Now, Tadpole, you came out with a stool. Explain to us why you have a stool.

I got hit by a drunk driver and broke my neck, and this is physical therapy for me.

Wasn't it Tesla, was it? We gotta stop this motherfucker.

Oh my God, you have an actual neck Took off the neck brace to perform you have an actual broken neck yes

Wow, I'm gonna try and tough it out and not put it on and look like a sissy Are you gonna jump like a rogan will you tap out? I'm gonna tap out. Don't put that thing on before you die

Yeah, okay. Also for real neck brace is the funniest thing you can wear

It really is Yeah, also for real neck braces the funniest thing you can wear

Wear it about 50% of the time, but I was doing a minute and I want to give a little

No on stage would be very funny. Yeah, I swear to God a neck brace is literally the fun I'm in it to say hi world now toss that fucking thing on dude. How many you want to put on the neck brace?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kill Tony's history. It's the first time we've ever seen a man put on a neck brace with a broken neck after performing.

Wow.

This is incredible. So, Tadpole, tell us, how did life change? Got to get the beard out of there.

Tadpole. Explain to us what did life change? I just gotta get the beard out of there. Tadpole.

I'm behind a spa, bro. Explain to us what it's like having a broken neck.

You curl up in a ball like a crybaby for half the day and then you decide if you wanna be a tough guy and do a little bit of something.

Right, and that was that day or every day? Pretty much every day for the last 12, 14, second grade, whenever. You got hit by a Tesla 12 years ago? I know, no, that's all his idea.

I got hit by a- That's good, dude, that's writer's room shit.

Yeah, that was actually his idea.

Shane said I got hit by a Tesla, he threw a joke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, wait, you got hit in fucking, what?

Yeah, I got hit by a drunk Russian diplomat's daughter. Okay, hold on. When was this?

96.

96. Did you get money from this?

I had to sue my grandfather's insurance to pay for my surgeries.

Why is that funny?

Holy crap.

That's a great mystery.

Yeah, what the fuck is that funny?

I put all this effort into telling a joke and you laughed at my trauma.

Holy Christ They gave you surgeries and you're still braced up. What else have you tried?

I man I wrote a book about My recovery not about what happened because I'm not ready for that. Everybody's got a fucking book. I

Don't even have a book. I just made it up

You perpetually have to wear that brace since you were a kid? No, I was almost 19.

Right, okay, so you were almost 19, you broke your neck then, you're 46, you still wear a brace every day?

Um, about 50, if I don't have something I can lean on, I didn't wear it tonight.

Right.

But, if I can, I sit on a stool when I try to do stand up. What is the injury?

I'm fused front and back c3 for c7

Mmm all the way down the whole shit's titanium. Oh wow yo That's kind I got to go up and down But I don't want to because it's around my brain stem, and I got a little bit of smarts left

And I don't want to get strangled out by titanium. I will say though you do have the coolest fucking neck brace I've ever seen Thank you. Most of them suck. That one's actually like a

Bottom of it like a stormtrooper mask like like fucking cool

This is my dunk contest moment. Hold on. Let me let me get it. What's that do I? Like traction it works like a traction machine, but I can't talk with it because it locks my jaw. So how you doing?

What's up? What's up?

What's up?

Your story is absolutely incredible. Do you ever sit on a park bench and talk about how life's like a box of chocolates? I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. It's something that I've never done before with anybody in the history of the show. But I'm going to Pick up the tab on this

I want to see if the great people over at ways to well can possibly Zip something into you that might be able to help you or give you some type of relief We are friends with the great people at ways to well they provide unbelievable miracle like health healthcare to people. And, uh, we're gonna see what happens. Probably not much, since your neck's been broken as fuck for like 30 years, but...

They said I'd never walk, now I can sprint and jump for like 90 seconds.

Don't do that.

Yeah, definitely...

Don't do that, stop doing that right now.

I listened to them and I sat in a bed for a decade. Now I get up every day. Yes. Don't break your neck again, motherfucker. I'd be in a cage right now if I wanted that. I'd get a little taste of that again. But I'm not that retarded. Not that.

You are that retarded. You're allowed to say it.

Just because my mother drove the short bus.

Hold on a second. pointed me and withhold from saying it. Because if so, that's very, very funny.

Oh, never mind. I was giving you credit for a really great...

I would never do such a thing.

Alright, you were funny. Hell yeah.

You got some merch there.

I got some merch, what?

I see a tadpole on your fucking shirt.

Oh yeah. This is my breast cancer charity, Habitatpole for Humanititty.

You have a...

What?

Habitat pole. Oh, it's... For humanity.

I get it.

For humanity.

Humanity.

For humanity.

Yeah, well... That's great.

Tadpole!

Tadpole.

You're a wild boy, Tadpole.

Oh, thank you.

You live here in Austin now?

No, I'm about 300 miles away.

Okay.

Where are you? pool. Oh, thank you. You live here in Austin now? Uh, no, I'm about 300 miles away. Okay. Where are you? Uh, up near the Oklahoma border, Alvord, like the Cato area. Okay. On the way to Wichita Falls. I'm not really there, but I'm there. Okay. I was in LA for 20 years. The whole world shut down. Everyone got re-re and then I was like my brother's got a house I can live in the basement that makes sense that yeah the basement's nice you have a girlfriend a wife no they won't touch me you're not interested in the

ladies I didn't say that put words in my mouth oh did I say that? I said that. You didn't say that.

I didn't say that.

Habitable for humanity, bro.

I love it.

I'm trying to save all the titties. What are we doing? We're chopping them off and stuff.

Get the fuck out of here.

What are you doing that?

No mas.

Titas de litas.

Cut it the fuck out.

Cut it out.

Cut it the fuck out. Cut it out. Cut it out. What are we doing?

You ever been in the military?

No, my whole family. I wasn't brave enough.

Oh, okay.

I wrote jokes and dribbled a basketball for my life. I was pretty privileged.

You were good at basketball?

Yeah, you know, a little jump shot.

Yep.

A little bit of a... You have a grill in, I can't understand what you're saying. What's that?

Nothing.

Uh, Tadpole Triplet, we are going to get your contact information, we're going to try to see what Ways to Well can possibly, maybe, do for you. Thank you for being here. They pull off miracles, but nothing's guaranteed. Want me to get it in the hoodie? Got it. Tadpole Triplet.

APPLAUSE MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC

MUSIC MUSIC There's the lovely Heidi. And we're gonna get another bucket pull up here. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Gordon Dixon, everybody. Here comes Gordon Dixon.

Make some noise, Austin, let's go. I'm 41, if that last dude was 46, he is fucked up, bro. He got a knee brace from sucking dick. Yeah, fuck that guy. Thank you, thank you. Homeless dude.

Anyway. I'm a 40 year old comic. I hang out with 20 year olds. I went to a strip club the other night. They were all making it rain and I tried to pay for my lap dance with a checkbook

and I knew I was old. Exactly, half of y'all don't know what checkbooks are. Fuck y'all young people. Yeah, the stripper was like, hey, I wanna make it rain, you gonna make it rain? I'm like, how you spell candy? With a I-E or a Y, how you spell this?

It's all right, yo, it was 12,000. It was a bounce check, she's never gonna pass that check. Fuck yeah, that's cool I'm celebrating my eighth year out of the service. So I'm having fun. I'm fucked up right now. Thank y'all You don't have to clap. All right, you don't care about people in this work. Thank you. Thank you I served as you I served as United States Jehovah's Witness. So for yeah Exactly this is a rough night. Fuck y'all. All right. You guys like handicapped people more than you like half black people. Fuck y'all, man. Name is Gordon Dixon. My name is.

There you go.

All right.

There you go.

Thank you.

Gordon Dixon.

Damn it.

Welcome to the show.

All right.

Gordon, how are you? I'm good, man. You've been on that show before? couple times. This time you're a little fucked up? Yeah, I just got off work. Yeah, I work next door. It's my fault. What did you drink exactly? What did you do, Gordon? Every shot people bought me, right? There's some people that bought me a shot. There's another guy who bought me a shot. Yeah,

fuck that, man. It's Austin, man. It's weird out here. All right, they fucking lied to me, my bad. All right, Gordon, you're kind of trash.

Shane, you missed a lot.

You did, man.

I'm glad Shane missed it. I'm sorry, Shane.

It's all right.

Gordon. I know, it's.

You had to guess how many shots you did tonight before tonight's set. How many would you guess? Just a ballpark. A good strong three.

I did a strong three.

Okay.

Yeah, a strong three. But I'm old, so I shouldn't do any at all. I should stop drinking at this point, but fuck it, you know what I mean? Austin.

All right, Gordon, I'm gonna let you off easy tonight. I'm just gonna get you out of here with a little joke book. That's Gordon Dixon. All right. Let's get one last bucket pull up here tonight. Make some noise for Lindsey Campbell, everybody. Here comes Lindsey Campbell. Here's Lindsey, everybody. We know Lindsey.

Hey guys. Erica Kirk has been hanging out with Nicki Minaj lately. Have you seen that? She's trying to convince people that she's not racist. But she does run her fingers through people's hair when she hugs them.

You can tell she doesn't have a single black friend. So anyway, I had a miscarriage like six months ago. A couple days after that, my husband was fingering me. And he got on his hand what Google told us is gray pregnancy matter Relax guys at least he got to hold our baby

Hi Joe Rogan Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow absolutely incredible Hi, Joe Rogan. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Absolutely incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, Lindsey Campbell.

I loved it.

Thanks, guys.

A masterpiece.

I love you, too.

Hey, Red Band.

We know you well, Lindsey. You are married to the adorable little William Montgomery-looking character, little chubby chair boy, the fans probably remember and know. So that's real, huh?

Yeah, Trey Campbell, Dr. Peppers. We got married on May 3rd, 2025.

Hell yeah. Amazing. How's that going, good?

It's going fucking awesome. I just keep bringing animals into the house and he just keeps trying to get rid of them, but going well other than that. What kind of animals? animals into the house and he just keeps trying to get rid of them but what can well other than that animals what are we talking about we're up to five now we have two dogs we have two cats and we have a snake Wow okay hell yeah folks

did you point at you when she said snake that's a good question yeah she put it

at red band boy right at you bro what what what I don't remember what I was drunk what happened it's not a penis thing. I promise I

Was talking about my snake and you told me that if I ever taught brought into Mitzi's that you would like throw the bag against the wall

Throw the what against the wall you were drunk

I said I was gonna bring I was gonna bring a snake in a bag and how you touch it. Oh, yeah I'm knowing

You got drunk and said you're gonna kill her snake

Those of you that wonder what red bands like after the show Shit real real hootenanny. I'm gonna kill your snake

Lindsay what do you do for work? I'm a bellboy now. Oh, wow. Yeah, I work at a hotel. I make tips, so I offer to give people ice, unless they're Mexican, then I offer to abolish it.

Wow, you're hilarious.

Thank you.

You're a real comedian, Lindsay.

Thanks, Tony.

I love that. What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy we should know about? I just got a job for the first time in like six months.

That fucking sucks.

Yeah.

That's the bellboy thing.

Yeah, it's the bellboy thing. And then we got our dog Spade, so she has a tattoo now. It's a swastika. It's because she's a German shepherd.

That's it.

Hell yeah.

Sorry, Tony.

That's amazing. No, I... Scale from one to ten, I give that joke a nine.

Thank you.

Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine.

There you go.

A little fucking alley-oop there. I like that.

Whoa, those are my balls, Shane.

No way.

Shane...

I would never do that fucking move. Shane just tapped my balls Shane Change just at my balls. No, I did not. Yeah, you did Lindsay we love you a great set. Here's the picture Thank you. Check out her cupcake. Good job. What? Check out her cupcake. She always gives us cupcakes. Oh yeah, that's the cupcake lady. Hell yeah. Obviously getting high on her own supply.

Ladies and gentlemen, what an episode this has been. I mean, holy shit. Gillis, Lincoln Financial Field, July 17th, Rogan of the JRE. There's only one way to end an episode like this. Gillis, Lincoln Financial Field, July 17th, Rogan of the JRE. There's only one way to end an episode like this. William Montgomery is already off on Christmas break.

However, there is a young man whose dream it is of one day being a citizen of the greatest country on earth, the United States of America. But for now he remains the Estonian Assassin.

This is Ari Martti! So everyone's terrified of AI. It's coming. Like what do you do for work sir? Pest control business. You have like six months left.

See the secret is you gotta get a job that even AI doesn't wanna do. Like roofing. Dude, under the Texas sun,

even AI is like, Inhumane I don't know about stand-up I'm not sure I Think AI is too algorithmical to do stand-up too perfect People don't relate to perfection people relate to mistakes AI ain't about that life AI ain't gonna say the N-word.

AI ain't gonna show his dick to the comedy club waitresses. I will.

AI stand-up is gonna be all algorithmical, you know. Like, almond milk? How could it be milk?

They don't have nipples.

Bullshit.

Also, if AI is so smart, how come every time I try to log into a website and to make sure I'm not a robot they ask me to identify three traffic lights in the picture so you're telling me AI sees this puzzle

Fuck! Retreat!

So it gets flustered by traffic lights, but what the fuck is a Waymo?

That's my time time thank you guys two minutes 45 seconds working overtime tonight and without a doubt the best side of the night this is incredible are you maddie you've done it

yet again I kind of fucked up the order of the joke. Fuck. There's a whole different order, you know, when you just have to fucking...

Yeah. No one even... No one even noticed.

Thank God.

Only... Only you know. That's what's great about this.

The order was totally fucked up.

Was there a callback that got left behind?

There was everything that was undone and the ending was solved.

Worked out great, man. Fucking amazing. What I love about this set, because it was so brilliant, so topical, so funny, such great delivery, so crisp. And yet I'll give a little behind the scenes inside scoop that I normally don't really ever do, which is that when we were flying back from that gig on Sunday, I said, by the way, Monday's gonna be fun, Rogan Gellis. And you go, fuck, I've got nothing new.

Yeah.

So I'm just curious. Is that, did you just fucking cook that up in the past 36 hours or what? Yeah

I

Went to some terrible gigs yesterday, and I just bombed with it But I knew it was logical and if I get in front of a crowd that likes me I knew you know when you're bombing and you're like, you know, you're bombing and you're like well somewhere there will be laughter The Sun will rise in the future

What I love about that two minutes 45 seconds you wrote that in 36 hours We had a guy on stage earlier that's been doing it 39 years And his minute wasn't nearly as strong. Yeah, that sucks about stand-up that like He left with a with a with a with a diagnosis of stem cells

I wouldn't laugh about that ball dude. Yeah, no I didn't for real kill you yeah without a doubt all right Yeah

Unless you touch him at all and then which case he will fall apart Immediately, that's why I like when I did MMA. It was so cool to find out real quick if you got it You know, yeah, not a lot of people know that Ari Maddy is a professional fighter. Oh and three Oh and three career, but he knows how to shadow box. Oh, I real bad. Yeah, I don't have it He's undefeated against the shadow shadow gets fucked up every day Joe That's what we call Dedrick Flynn behind the scenes Are you what else is going on man? You're killing it. I don't know. I've been watching this series called spy ops

Have you guys seen have you watched spy ops? Amazing. I love the Mossad. Wow. Israeli secret service. Tell us. Okay. Tell us more. I will. See like usual secret service CIA, MI6, they gather information and then they kill the guy. Like with cyanide or they poison the soup. Nobody even knows what happened.

Mossad gathers no information and they just blow up the whole building. Mossad always has civilian casualties. But then always they're like well statistically you know there's this one episode okay there was this one episode they were after a guy who's a palestinian terrorist member of the black september they did munich remember munich the big one

uh until uh yeah Remember Munich? The big one? Until, yeah.

Worst thing to happen on German soil to Jews, you know. So they're after one of the leaders, okay? And they find him in Oslo, Norway, disguised as a pizza delivery guy. Great disguise for a terrorist. You have a bicycle, bling bling. You got some pizza boxes filled with fucking C4, you know. You're meeting creepy guys in the alley. You're a fucking pizza guy. So the Mossad tracks this guy down. They pull

up on him in a car in Parliament Square, downtown Oslo, blow his head off with a shotgun. Brains go flying into the guy's friend's hands, they collect the brains, you know. The Mossad disappears. Successful mission, you would think. Six months later, they find out, wrong guy. But of course, see, but the downside about the Mossad is they always get caught. How those guys got caught is after they blow the guy's head off, they took the car back

to the rental agency. That's how Jews get caught. The deposit.

Jesus God. Sorry, Matty. They should have, uh, they should have kept that.

You ever see the movie Munich? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha so sly and smart. Yeah. She had one scene where they're like, there's that motherfucker. Boom, shit.

It was just a guy.

Yeah, they had like one guy they were after in an apartment building, but they didn't nail which, they tried to nail which floor it was on, they were like, the whole building goes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They don't give a fuck, the Mossad is crazy, Joe.

Don't upset the Jews

Where's that yarmulke? Huh?

Put it on what's that put on the yarmulke?

No, the yarmulke is gone. You threw it out. No. I had it. I had it sent away and put on top of my Christmas tree. Guys, anti-Semitism. Oh, there's a KT Amaka? That's crazy. Get the fuck out of here, dude. I'm gonna put

it on you. Yeah, huh? Whoa! Wow! Don't wave like that, really. Oh my God. Fucking moron.

By the way, that guy just went Heil Hitler. There's a guy in the crowd who just went like this.

That's not good. That's not good.

Second most Jewish thing Red Band's done this week next to take coupons into a Wendy's with them. No. Shane goes, is that true?

Is a Ben Shapiro joke in here somewhere? Yeah, like Ben Burrito.

Oh my god.

Ari, Matty, what can I say? The set of the night, the fucking interview of the night. Catch him on Monday on Netflix.

I'm on tour! I'm on tour! Yeah! Tickets are really low!

AriMaddy.com for the love of God!

Go to AriMaddy.com See this man's full-length set. You're not gonna fucking believe it. If you love a minute, you'll love his hour. Uh... The drawing from Ryan J Ebelt is in that is indeed

Joe Rogan and Shane Gillis let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there oh it's a Shane Gillis look at that hell yeah look at that that's a very nice picture of you oh thanks yeah look at that thanks man he gave you a little put

that above your bed yeah yeah tell the

girl go look at that don't look at my real face

Shane Gillis ladies and gentlemen July 17th 2026 motherfucking Lincoln Financial Field the biggest stand-up comedy show of all time have a one more time for the motherfucking man himself, Joe Rogan. Next Monday, go to Netflix, watch the whole goddamn thing, tell everybody that you know, watch Kill Tony,

Once Upon a Time in Texas, filmed live at the Moody Center on New Year's Eve, airs on Netflix next Monday. We will not be here on YouTube, we will be only on Netflix and then back on YouTube the next week. Fuck yeah, man. We did it.

What an episode. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Check out their single, Pandemonium, everywhere where music is available, the Kill Tony band. And we did it, right, band?

Love you guys.

We love you guys we love you catch us on Netflix next week motherfuckers good night everybody 🎵

🎵She's wide awake in her whiskey hole🎵 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. 🎵She's wide awake in her whiskey hole🎵 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.