KT #758 - DONNELL RAWLINGS + TREVOR WALLACE

🎵 ♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas,

for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!

♪♪

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? ♪♪ Yippee! And that is the best damn band in all the land. How about a hand for them, huh? They've been playing music for you in the live music capital of the world. This is Kill Tony brought to you by Bluetooth Talkspace and Shopify. How we fucking feeling tonight, huh? Feels good in here.

Before the show gets started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, every single week I take the two best comedians that I could possibly find, and I put them together here on this show, this week no different. The return of two of the wildest panelists in the history of the show.

How many of you consider yourselves die-hard Kill Tony fans? Well, you're in for a treat, as I present to you two of the hardest working, most working stand-up comedians in the world today and two legends of the Kill Tony panel. This is Donnell Rawlings and Trevor Wallace.

There he is. Donnell, Trevor. Donnell, you're next to me. I always keep Donnell next to me in case he gets out of control.

Ha ha ha ha.

♪♪

It's harder to walk off the show if you're sitting next to me. Donnell, famous for the number-one meltdown in Kill Tony history, according to many YouTube videos.

In the words of Nina Simone, it's a new day, it's a new dawn. I'm feeling good. And I want to say, I want to say happy Black History Month,

but it's not represented in this audience.

No.

I got you right here, Donnell.

I got you.

Trevor Wallace, one of the whitest white people on planet Earth, here to celebrate Black History Month with you. Donnell Rawlings is on tour. Get tickets at donnellrawlings.com. Trevor Wallace also on tour. He's filming a special March 13th and 14th in Phoenix, and he's dropping a new special at Trevor Wallace on YouTube

on April 1st on YouTube. And, uh, hell, yeah. You guys both have been on the show. You know how this fucking show works. Donnell is a legend of this game. He is on almost every

Kill Tony compilation video of every game.

Fuck that, they hate me here, you know it. I'm just doing it for the peace and I'm so happy to announce that I did not make the Epstein files. I was at a Diddy party but

I didn't, that's a whole different, that's a whole different, baby oil for everybody,

I'll just say that. We're gonna have fun here. You guys know how it works. Over 300 comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. If their name gets pulled out, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten

that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. Anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised.

God only knows, I mean, shit gets crazy here out of this bucket. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? While we go wrangle that first bucket full of the night, we have a very, very special treat to start tonight's show. This young man is considered, much like Donnell,

one of the most polarizing figures in this show's history. Very, very, we've watched him grow. Up until this point, every minute seems to be better than the last. Ladies and gentlemen, you remember when he was just a nephew, now he's an uncle.

Make some noise for the great Uncle Laser, everybody. -♪♪

How we doing, Austin? Y'all all right?

You okay? Happy Black History Month. They got Darnell here. They got that light-skinned fella painting, and they got D-Madness dressed like a butler. Unreal, what a treat. Before we get started on these, you know, listen, I don't care what you are, okay? It's your right as

human being, whatever you do, don't impede on what someone else does. It's your right as a human being. Like, look, I don't care if you're Look, I don't care if you're gay. I don't care if you're trans. I don't even care if you're black. Your body, your choice.

You know what I'm talking about?

And y'all are like, well, black's not a choice. Well, they choose to be that loud at the movie theater, don't they? Listen now. Listen here, goddammit, listen. I ain't racist to nobody, I don't wanna,

but there is one motherfucker I do hate, okay. One motherfucker I can't stand. And that is a motherfucker with the audacity to ask me if I wanna help them move furniture from one apartment complex to the other, okay. Listen dude, the

goddamn blatant disrespect you gotta ask me to help you move a California King down two flights of stairs? Yeah man, as soon as we get there you might as well just fuck my wife on that mattress, alright? I'd rather have full-blown fucking AIDS, alright? Like not Magic Johnson AIDS, quit playing basketball in the 90s. I'm talking Dallas Bar Club's aides, all right? 99 cents a day aides. You can swat them flies off them EPO playing kids' face.

With that being said, uh, I got to move on Saturday. If anybody's got a pickup truck I can borrow.

My name's Uncle Lazer. Y'all be good.

Uncle Lazer has started the show. Uncle Lazer, let's check in with Darnell.

I feel attacked. Anytime a white person pronounces my name Darnell, that's the most racist shit. It felt like I was watching a Turning Point halftime show with Kid Rock. I'll just say this, you made Charlie Kirk happy as a motherfucker, man.

He's turning over in his grave, you know what I'm saying?

Kid Crack Rock over here. You know it's winter when he starts wearing sleeves, for sure.

Ha ha ha.

Uncle Lazer, how's things going?

It's good, man. Your girl Kim Covenant had a dating show the other night, and I actually won it.

I won a date with Heidi.

Oh. Wow.

But I was whamboozled because she — We went out to the Betty, right? But she just hooked me up with the biggest friend she has.

Yeah.

And not like their best friend. It's like, this bitch is round. That makes sense. a little big bear. She just went booze with me so that what it sounds like he's describing Juanita right now

Oh Juanita the very famous Juanita Juanita Famously talked about how black guys don't want to fuck her Juanita is a she's trans and it is a obese trans

Don't know you would bring that up.

That's crazy.

But Donnell thought it was just a thick Mexican chick, and he said, you know, I'd be down, and then I informed him. That's basically...

That's not what the fuck I said!

But then...

It was worse.

It was much worse than that.

This is what I said, because she did a song. Buddy, you're a boy.

And then I said, I said, on behalf of, I'm speaking.

On behalf of the black community.

I said, this is a song we want to say. We will, we will, fuck you. And then I looked, and I didn't really recognize.

Because I know women in the Midwest look just like...

Wow.

Women in the Midwest do look like trans linebackers.

Yeah.

And then my DMs was flooded with guys named Tonya.

Oh, yeah. I don't know. That was a guy.

We figured that part out, okay? But, you know, but, you know, it's a new day. It's a new dawn. Shout-out to Juanita.

Yeah, we love Juanita.

You take her to the Diddy party?

That's what you did there?

No comment.

Takes a lot of baby oil to get that thing ready to go. I got to tell you that, man.

A lot of baby oil to get that thing ready to go. I gotta tell you that, my friend. A lot of baby oil.

A drum of baby oil.

I could do Crisco or something, too.

I feel so insecure. I'm a black man that can't use baby oil because of Diddy right now. What are you using? If you want to really be test your sexuality, whatever, you go to a CVS and put eight bottles of baby oil on the counter and see how the fuck they look at you. Do they, do they, but they have to unlock the thing for you right when you do that?

The new Donnell is not gonna respond to that. Uncle Lazer. So what did you end up

doing with the big girl that Heidi hooked you up with?

You know.

Yeah, we know. We know that you know how to...

The CVS got me eight bottles of baby oil, you know?

Found the wet spot. Let's just say you moved that furniture around, huh? Yeah, I helped. I helped. It's a team lift.

I love it.

Well, Lazer, great way to get the show started tonight. Thanks for having me. great way to get this show started tonight. We came out with a bang. There he goes ladies and gentlemen. And now we go to the bucket everyone. And now to the bucket we go. Your first bucket. We're gonna meet them all together. This is obviously the part of the show where anything can happen. Make some noise for Seth Sheppard, everybody. ♪♪ -♪♪

Howdy, y'all. I found out recently I'm 1 8th black. It's our month now. Now, this doesn't mean that I can say any of the fun words, but I sure have been thinking about it. I lost my virginity with a soft dick.

Y'all might be thinking,

wow, that's got to take a hog to work, right? You'd be wrong. All it takes is a girl that believes deep enough and keeps drinking after she pukes on you. I was 17, she was 22, she knew what she wanted. Between me and whiskey though, we figured it out.

It's alright.

Alright, I wish I got a bigger pipe, but thank y'all so much.

Seth Shepard. Welcome to the show, Seth.

Thank you.

I love your accent, I haven't heard it since you did the narration on the Big Lebowski.

Yes, sir. Last time I was on, you said the same thing. Yes, sir.

Really? You've been on before?

About a year and a half ago. Yeah, it was my, maybe eighth time on stage. I've been doing comedy about 16, 18 months now.

Nice. This is your eighth time on stage? No, last time I was on. Yes sir. Yeah, you have an unbelievable voice. Thank you. Both your voice and your jokes could talk us all to sleep without a doubt. So what's been going on Seth? Tell us about your life.

What are you doing for work right now? I work at a dispensary, which is pretty

funny because I don't smoke weed. But I went to a gun...

In fact, you vote for it to be illegal every time it's on the ballot. Not my type of thing at all. I'm a simple man. I make my eggs and bacon, put on my camouflage hat, and get to writing the jokes. The squawking eagle of America is what keeps us safe,

and I'm a... consider myself a true patriot. Yes, sir. When I'm not making myself breakfast or feeding my dogs, I'm invading the Capitol. Oiling up my guns and just doing what's right for the country.

Yes, sir. I do support the weeds. I just feel like I'm 29. I'm too old to be so scared. I quit smoking because I went on stage after smoking. I was like, God, no.

Why do you all hate me? What's going on? I was so scared. They hate you because those jokes are trash.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Don't think too deep in it.

Smoke a joint, do some crack. What's up, man? Anybody got some heroin in this bitch?

Oh my God.

I know this is a platform to support people,

but kill yourself. Kill yourself! It's over, son! You look like you're starting a cuckhole video.

Man, I don't know why that colored fella talked to me like that that night.

He was disrespectful as hell.

Here's my wife

and it's her birthday! Make her feel good! He just looks like the guys in that video I always click on.

You've seen those videos, huh?

I was part of those videos.

So, Seth, we work at a weed dispensary. What are you doing for fun? What does a guy like Seth do for fun? You look like a man of many hobbies.

I like building guns.

Wow.

Straight out of my impression of him.

He said, building guns?

Building guns. Oh, I'm sorry about everything I said about you. He's also sorry for disrespecting your art form and holding them sideways every time he gets a chance.

And so whenever I first moved down here, I was actually, I called the mothership. And I said, hey, y'all, I usually got a gun on my hip. Y'all got pistol check? And they're like, what? I was like, if I got a gun on my hip, y'all got somebody I can give my gun to?

And they said, no. And I was like, all right, I thought this was Texas.

I'm sorry. There's only one person that the mothership allows to have a gun in this place, and that person is D-Madness,

ladies and gentlemen. Look out. Well, he's not doing a good job because if he built guns, you should have took the opportunity to shoot yourself before you came here.

Build two birds with one stone.

Yes, sir.

I love it.

Seth, what's your love life like?

It's doing all right. I actually just this past week kind of broke up with a lady cause she was sending me all kinds of weird shit, kind of suicidal shit. And I'm like, I got-

Sell her a gun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was like, man, I got maybe six and a half good inches of dick and 15 pumps if I'm lucky. I don't know why you're about to kill yourself over that. Leave me alone.

Wow.

Yeah.

Look at that, six and a half, huh?

We're doing alright. How much bad dick do you have?

I'll be honest, Tony, the base is so thick it doesn't go in. Little tree stump down there.

Seth, this is incredible. So she was suicidal, so you broke up with her? What an unbelievable boyfriend. Man of the year, everybody.

Give her a better help reader something, dude. I avoided her for a few days, and she's like,

I'm going in the dark end.

I'm like, oh.

I'm the dark end.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Amazing, man.

So, yeah.

I've learned my lesson. Crazy pussy's the day. You need somebody who can cook you some eggs, hang out and be a good woman.

Hey. It's unbelievable, this guy. I mean, unbelievable. Seth, what else do you do for fun? Give us another hobby before I get you out of here.

I like to go fishing. I ain't been fishing since I moved down.

We already knew that.

Give us another one. Let's see. I walk around 6th Street and just look at the homeless people. It's kind of funny. I feel like you're not a comic in Austin unless you pissed in an alley.

I'm just taking a look at all the turds back there. What's going on?

It's just, it's a-

There is a lot of turds back there. It's a lot. that just listened to the show from far away. Let me tell you, right behind us, literally behind us, about 15 feet behind us, there's turds.

There's a lot, yeah.

Crazy, okay, Red Band. It was Red Band's one fart sound effect per episode. Trevor.

Do you think you look any homeless at all?

Oh yeah, I'm sure I do.

You look like Luke Nocome, all right?

Yeah.

Yes, sir. Seth Shepard. What's your family like? Are they real billy goats, too?

Yeah, I come from a long line of prejudiced people.

Oh, yeah.

Hell, yeah.

They're great, but I remember whenever I was on the show last, Cam Patterson followed me up, and he said, he's got a good slave owner voice. Yeah. slave owner voice. Yep. And for the next two months, every time I call my dad, he's like, what's up, slave owner voice? I'm like, you can't, no, it's his. You can't say that.

I can't imagine what your dad's voice is like.

Oh, it's great. That's, he, honestly, I have a deeper voice than any, I used to smoke three packs a day,

so this ain't all Oh, I thought you were 1 8th Black, sorry. Yeah. Fair point.

Somebody did leave...

Look at me. Real quick before I let you out of here, this soft dick, she puked, you were 17, she was 22,

how did that end up happening?

It was my sister's friend. We got drunk, it was at her house, I fucked her on her couch. Your sister? My sister's friend.

You have a voice like you would lose your virginity to your sister.

You ain't wrong, you ain't wrong, yeah.

No disrespect to West Virginia.

Kentucky, yes, sir.

Yeah. Amazing. And why was your dick soft? Because you were drunk, too.

I had a fifth of whiskey. That was, uh... We figured it out eventually, but it's, uh... I have an innate tolerance to whiskey. It don't make any sense. It's, uh... I get free drinks at some of the clubs around here. And the other two weeks ago, I had a full maybe $750.

I don't even know. But I've never had a hangover, so I'm not learning lessons. I wish I could. The only hangover I've ever had was from tequila.

Wow.

Yep.

That's not interesting at all.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

No, I love it. It's good when the people watching the show actually fall asleep watching it because That means that we get the entire view that just stays on and then it rolls and then they have to watch it again So we get two views by having someone on like you early on in the episode I'm a businessman on top of a host and a comedian and a roaster. So All right, you're leaving here with a 1-8th normal-sized

black joke book. There you go. There you go, Seth Shepard, everybody. On to the next one we go. There goes Seth. There goes Seth, everybody.

Oh my goodness, look who it is, everyone. The lovely Heidi, everybody. Live in the flesh. Go to HeidiRegina.com. Check out her podcast, Love on the flesh. Go to HeidiRegina.com. Check out our podcast, Love on the Line. Also, check out the Kill Tony Band on YouTube.

They have a new show, Find You Part Two. Oh, they have a new song. They do songs. Hello there, this podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when we started this thing, it seemed like we had to figure it all out on our own.

Everybody said, who's gonna wanna buy tickets to an open mic that they could possibly watch on YouTube for free? Filming schedule, logos, it was all overwhelming. And then one day, we introduced a new decision that needed an answer. And when you're starting off with something new,

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That's Shopify.com slash killtony. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Julian.

So I don't think Stephen Hawking fucked any kids. Because how?

This is only one thing he could have done.

Only one thing that makes any sense. He'd line them up on the ground, put a ramp on either side, and turned his chair up to full speed. And he has the science to make it happen. I could just imagine his tires creating fire tracks. And I'm pretty sure that's how his face got that way.

It's just the wind resistance. You know what I mean? It's just like...

All right.

That's my set.

Julian Casas. Welcome, Julian. Is this your first time on the show?

First time.

I love it. Welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Six months.

Six months. Very good. Amazing premise and execution. The delivery felt organic. It felt like you're new. But it was good.

Yes.

Thank you.

Because it created mystery, kept us on the edge of our seats, much like Stephen Hawking. So six months in the game. How old are you? 30. 30. What made you want to start six months ago?

I was thinking about what I wanted to do with my life because I was working at Amazon. I was just tired of it, and I said, you know, what kind of life do I want to live? And I was like, do I want to be a rock star? Do I want to...

Hell yeah.

I like the optimism.

If I could put eight to ten hours a day into one of those things, I said, comedy, I think, is the one thing that I could see myself working really hard on.

What came in second place to stand-up comedy? Being a rock star, were you about to go buy a, were you going to, going to go to Guitar Center or something like that and buy a guitar? Like what was, what?

I think, I don't think, there was no second place. It kind of just, comedy was like the only thing I could see myself doing long-term and working really hard on for...

What ethnicity are you?

Mexican.

100%?

Both my parents, but I did a DNA test. It's like 35% native Mexican.

Okay.

How much percentage you need to have an actual official ICE rating here? Is it like...

35%. Alright, get in there. They're on the way Very cool, so what do your parents do? Mom's a stay at home mom, what does dad do? Am I right?

Mom's on disability and dad's a forklift driver

Yeah, perfect That's the direct make up of Stephen Hawking right there actually

What kind of disability does your mom have? I knew you was going to ask.

Schizophrenic.

Oh, schizophrenic. Damn. That affected you a lot as a kid, I bet?

Honestly, it's very low key. She has voices in her head, but she handles it well. So she's not...

Do the voices speak Spanish?

I never thought to ask.

Do the voices know anything Bad Bunny was saying at the Super Bowl halftime show?

I'm just curious.

Can your mother translate the halftime show? -♪ Ba-da-woo, ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- break meltdowns like Donnell did a few episodes ago? No, she's her, like if she has like an episode,

it's just really small her handling it herself.

Is it an episode or a telenovela? What do you call it exactly?

It's more like, it's more like she's talking to herself and I'm like, what's going on?

Right, that makes sense. Dad's cool, you and dad are close?

Me and dad are close? Me and dad are close. Like, I... What does he think of... Go ahead. My parents got separated when I was, like, in second grade. Ah. But he lives in the same town, and I see him, like, pretty often.

But which part side of your mother did he separate from?

That's a good question.

Yeah, um, her main personality, I think.

But supposedly... Supposedly it changed over time, so who knows.

Did she live by herself now, or does she have another man?

No, she lives by herself for like the last,

like, maybe like 20-something years.

Okay.

But in her head, she lives with a group of people, right?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, she took us with her, too, so there's like a whole...

You still live with mom?

Not anymore. Nice. I moved to Austin actually.

You live by yourself?

I live by myself.

Nice. How were you able to afford that apartment now that you... Do you still work at Amazon?

So I was working at Amazon in California and then I just, I said, you know what, I looked up the cost of living in Austin and I said, you know what, I could pull out my savings, go to Austin, find a job, and then last for like as long as I need to last and then until like my comedy skills grow. Let me ask you this, how much money did you have saved up? About 14,000. Very good. What's your rent a month like 500? 575 75 I live in a travel trailer. I don't live in I don't live in a beautiful

You ever see uncle laser out there

Hey Julie, you help me move this couch over here

Come on give me a hand say my name three times. Let's go

Wow Julian you have any hobbies or anything like that Come on, give me a hand, say my name three times, let's go.

Wow, Julian, you have any hobbies or anything like that? Sometimes I write things other than comedy. Like I like to write poetry sometimes too, and then draw. Nice.

What else? Anything wild and fun?

It seemed like he would be a good eulogy writer.

Yeah.

You know, I have a, I made a couple friends here that, and at least one of them, you know, gets me out of the house, you know, make sure that I'm not like stuck at home.

You seem like the kind of guy that could drink tequila all day, have no hangover, and if you had whiskey at all, you'd be tremendously hungover. Reverse of the last guy.

I don't get hungover. Whiskey does make me emotional, though.

Ooh, what kind of stuff happens to you if you drink whiskey?

I start thinking about my life too much.

Ah. Poetry.

Are you going to get a job, though?

Are you looking for a job?

Just interrupt yourself? Poetry. It gets emotional... I'm Ubering now. Yeah. Okay. Uber Eats or just regular Uber with humans? Regular Uber. I like it better when the package gets in and out on its own. Nice. I love it. Brilliant. Like I said about the Stephen Hawking thing, you have a very funny brain. I think you're just gonna keep getting better.

I don't think there's anything that can stop you, Julian. I see it. I've been doing this way too long. I know what it's like when someone has a premise and the only thing that needs catching up is their delivery, and that's where you are right now. It's incredible.

Sign up again. Here's a big joke book. Thank you. Boom. Ooh. There you go. It happens. All right. Your next comedian works here. You know him. He became famous for talking about bags and boxes. This is a brand-new minute from Jay Legend, everybody.

♪♪

Hell, yeah. I'm dating one of the women. I had one on a date with a white woman. It's important that I say that part for the story. And as I was getting to know her, she was telling me how she was into gender pronouns and how she identified as a they-them,

which is a crazy sentence to hear. But I'm a super chill guy. how you choose to live your life, I'll call you what you want to be called. But I did let her know, I did let them know, uh-huh, before, before we go out, I can only afford to pay for me and you. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And if that's gonna be a problem, we shouldn't do this,

because they could come, just make sure they bring money. For real. Gratuity and all. I could be stuck with the bill for seven fucking people because you don't know who you want to be in life. That's not my responsibility, and I refuse to deal with it.

-♪♪

The part that pissed me off the most was they got up when it was time to order, so now I look like a dumbass at the table because the waiter take the order. He like, sir, what would you like? Put my order in with confidence? Then he was like, what about your guests? I'm like, I don't know what they want.

He said, they? You expected more people? I was like, no, it's just one of them. He said, one of them? I said, yes, nigga, one of them. I don't know what the fuck I just said.

I'm confused too.

I thought you helped me figure this shit them, Jaylen. Jaylen. Legend. Very strong set. Welcome back, Jay.

Appreciate y'all.

Tony, can I say something?

Oh, absolutely.

This is probably in the mind of everybody in this panel, you can't say it. I just want to say, my nigga!

My nigga!

Hell yeah.

Oh, that's big to me.

That's it.

Appreciate it, guys. Not just because it's black history month, just because you're black. That was it.

So ICE was on their way. Now we're calling the police, everybody.

They already here.

Look in the corner.

Yes, there he is, watching with a watchful eye over there, keeping an eye on everything. Jay, how's life going?

Man, it's going good, man. I'm fucking just working here all the time, making sure y'all chairs is in order before y'all get in here, taking out the trash. When y'all leave, all y'all Zen's on the fuckin' floor. Stop that shit.

That's true.

Y'all laughing.

That's true. Somebody's got to do it. One of the great door guys of the mothership. Jay, what's your personal life like? What are you doing out there? You live by yourself?

Uh, no. So, I have a house full. So, I got a baby mama I'm not with. She live with me, and I got my two kids, and that's why she there.

So, you're not with the baby mama, but she lives with you?

Yeah, I pay all the bills and shit,

and she there, because I come out and work nights, so I need somebody to take care of the kids. So she useful.

You have two kids with her.

Yes.

OK.

Same baby mom before you ex.

Yes.

But you don't. That was my next question. But you don't hook up with her at all after?

No.

Oh, that's so toxic. No, hell no.

I'm scared.

I'm scared, because if another kid happened, I'm going to jump off of something.

But you pay all the bills?

Yeah.

Do you ever look at her and go, I am the captain now?

I should. Maybe that should have worked.

I'm sorry.

I'm more Arnold than anything.

That was horrible.

I'm sorry.

No, that's perfect.

When you say it's a toxic relationship, can you give us some examples of what you mean exactly? Okay, so she got this super depressive personality

where she can't be happy about shit in life.

And...

We know a good gun guy.

Somebody say, oh. Yeah, I already bought one. It's on the way. Yeah, but I try to make things happy because I'm a comedian. I like laughing and shit. And she be like, no, I'm cool with being depressed.

And that can make for a toxic house. So especially when you pay all the bills and you expect somebody to be happy with that. And she comes and be like, you know you left the lights on? Well, bitch, I paid the bills in here. I get to fucking leave all the, now you gonna sleep in the light.

How about that?

You're damn right. You're damn right. So you don't ever get to hook up with chicks, huh? At their places, yeah.

You can't come to my house. There's too much going on in here.

Right. Right.

You imagine that happening?

How old are the kids?

Four and one. My son's four. My daughter's one. He got autism. That's pretty cool.

Oh, damn.

Yeah, don't, it's cool, it's fuck. He don't talk a lot, so his house is quieter. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. You... Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

What was the demise of your relationship with your baby mom?

What was the demise? Uh, it always was the depressive shit. I thought it would get better. Like, I was the type of guy, I was like, I don't want to just walk out. This is what depressive shit. I thought it would get better. Like, I was the type of guy, I was like, I don't wanna just walk out. This is what my dad did.

We can't do the repeat shit. So I was like, let's stick around and see if it can work out. And if I could like, try to talk greatness into her. And then after a while, I'm like, now I'm talking to a wall. I go out separate ways. Now, was she the one that famously left you with bags and boxes? Bags and boxes, yeah.

She was the one. I wrote a song for her. That was how much I tried.

We remember the legendary song, but then you moved back in.

No, she moved in with me.

Oh.

She lived with me. I want people to get that shit straight, too, because I ain't went in there wrong. She lived with me. They be like, you live with your baby? No, she live with me. I'm not one of them couch-sleeping baby daddies. I'm fucking handling shit.

It's amazing that you are trying so hard to be a good father. Yeah, thank you. It's incredible. It's like when you see like an Asian basketball player

or something like that.

Like it's the opposite of the stereotype. Like, how did that Asian do that? We know that Asians are good at, like, ping pong. Or you guys are good at walking out.

Fucking breaking down barriers every day.

It's incredible.

I'm like the Jackie Robinson of baby dads.

Yep. Yep.

Every black person's a Jackie Robinson of babies.

Jackie Robinson was the Jackie Robinson. Jay, anything else crazy in life going on?

I mean, not crazy. I got some past shit. Like, the blackest shit about me is I was almost sold for crack as a baby. That was insane. Yeah, so I had 17-year-old parents,

and they left me with my crackhead grandma, and then they came back from working at Burger King, and my mom was like, where's my baby? And trying to get that answer from a crackhead is pretty hard. And my dad was a crack dealer, so he knew all the hot spots. So he was like, you chill out, and I'm going to go find him.

He came back like two hours later with me. That's a crazy fucking... That is a crazy story. Yeah, which is a lot of money. Yep. I was an expensive ass baby. This nigga proud.

He's like, good job.

Incredible, Jay. You are very charismatic. Did you happen to hear any weird noises while you were up here? Did you notice anything?

Yeah, I don't give a fuck. See, I like the fucking fire detector. I don't change the batteries on purpose. It's like white noise for me. It's like a little instrumental waiting to happen. It's a metronome for you?

Funny that it's white noise to you

because it's a black noise to us.

-$%&!

Listen.

Jay, you already have a big joke book, right? Yeah.

Is it filled up?

Yeah, it's filled up. Okay, here's another one. Jay Legend getting a black one.

Hell yeah.

Little black baby jukebox. Jay Legend, everybody. On to the next one. We're flying through it tonight. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Derek Larson, everyone.

Make some noise for Derek Larson.

Whoo!

♪♪ Make some noise for Derek Larson. Whoo! Whoo! Hey, what's up, guys? I'm not from Texas. When I first moved here, I thought I was gonna have to learn, like, the Texas lingo. Right? So I started saying things like, howdy, I reckon, and yeehaw, after somebody would say the N-word.

Yeah.

I learned pretty quick. That's not how people talk in Austin at all. No, people here, they say things like woke and progressive. And if you live here long enough, you'll say the same kind of stuff too. Like the other day, this person walks by and I turn to my buddy, I go, damn dude,

check out the ass on that they them.

Woo.

Now a little about me, I have a pocket pussy.

Yeah.

I'll be honest with you guys, after using it a couple times, it starts to taste kind of weird.

Uh... yeah.

But hey, a chef should never fear his own recipe, am I right, fellas? Yeah, my pocket pussy's also brown, so you know when I'm using it, I'm yelling, yeehaw.

All right, yeah.

Cool. I hooked up with this big girl recently. Talk about a heavy sleeper.

All right, fuck. Thank you.

Derek Larson. All right. Is this your first time on the show, Derek? Yes, sir.

Welcome, welcome.

How long you been doing stand-up? Like seven years on and off.

Yee-haw.

Yeah. When did you move here?

Three years ago. Where did you come from?

Wichita, Kansas. Wichita, Kansas.

Yeah. Oh my god. Okay, Matt. Doesn't say anything ever.

Yeah, he speaks once every two months. I't say anything ever.

Yeah, he speaks once every two months. I said, Wichita. He said, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe? Again, autism is spreading through the United States of America. It is an epidemic.

Derek, Wichita, Kansas. And what do you do for work?

I am a rope access technician, so I clean the high rises and stuff on ropes. Like cleaning windows, maintenance, whatever, but on ropes.

Very nice. What's the highest you've ever been on a building? Ballpark.

On the one on the rainy, it's one of the rainy new buildings.

It's like 45 stories. And it has an overhang, which is, it was scary.

You ever thought about it?

I gotta go to work tomorrow.

Yes.

No, no.

Tell us about this pocket pussy, true or no? Do you eat it like a go-gurt? How'd you do it?

Just slurp it all the way up?

Uh, you gotta make it work, you know?

You see? No, I... No.

Right. Uh, let me ask you this. When you're out there cleaning windows, you know, I can tell ya, Red Band can tell ya, a lot of stuff goes down, and you never know when new people are coming. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen inside of one of these crazy windows?

Oh, man. It's so fun. Everybody has such great stories. Mine are kind of gay.

Perfect.

Yours just went gay just now. I don't know what happened.

It wasn't fun, man. It was so like you drop. And like, of course, they don't know we're coming. I dropped on this window. And I swear to God, this dude was just jerking off on his couch and, like, he looked at me and made eye contact

and, like, kept going.

I swear to God.

I would have nutted on the window.

I'd be like, clean that, bitch.

I'd be like...

Oh.

We don't think you could see us. I think that's the main thing. Like, I always think that you can't see

because of the reflections and shit. We tried to make it seem like we don't see what's going on. That was his day. He was like, boy, if a window washer come down here,

it's going to be hee-haw.

No doubt about it.

Yeah, it was so weird. It was a weird situation.

And I got to finish the, I can't just drop down.

You could just drop down.

You enjoyed this shit, motherfucker.

It was new you could mission impossible that go a little bit

Go a little lower, but you chose to stay there

You know what I would have done. You know me I would have stared right at the guy started jerking off myself

But I would have taken my rappel rope and wrapped it once around my neck Really just fucking really gotten into it. You know what I mean. I'm into crazy shit. There's a certain level of success where you hit, where you can't just cum like a normal person anymore. I have to absolutely be getting choked out by something.

What is that called? Pseudo something, right? What is it called?

Pseudo-fixi, what is it?

I call a pooling a David Carradine.

What is it called?

That's a freak. I think you pronounce that as a fucking freaky motherfucker. Yeah. Autoerotic asphyxiation. Michael Gonzales, our resident kink.

Okay.

So Derek, give us a crazy fun fact about your life. Wichita, Kansas, you got some hillbilly parents?

No, my parents are pretty cool. I was a pretty bad drinker. Well, I've had a drinking problem for like seven years and recently I like stopped finally.

What made you stop?

My parents came and visited. And I was like, what?

You guys know where I live?

No. No, it wasn't like that. It was like a very heart to heart.

How bad was it? Were you drinking during the day?

Yeah, it was basically every night drinking about half a bottle of whiskey. Wow. whiskey. Wow! Yeah, it got pretty bad to where it was every night, but I wouldn't do it like during work or anything, obviously, but I would wake up still drunk and be like, this is horrible. And then seven years later, I'm like, I'm

gonna do something about it. Yeah, awesome. How old are you again? I'm 31. 31. Yeah. Black O'Clock. There you go. There's still time, Red Band. Just get a bigger bottle of whiskey.

Get one of those big Costco jugs.

Well, so, I had, like, a legit problem where I would buy the small bottle because I like drinking out of the bottle, and then I'd fill it up with the big bottle. So I'd, like, buy the big bottle and just keep refilling the small bottles.

Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah. I didn't think it was a problem because I would just stay home and drink. So I'm like, I'm not hurting anybody, but it turns out I hurt myself.

Amazing.

Worst night of drinking you ever had. Would you ever hit a bottom before you kept going?

One time I got drunk and I took my, Iowed through snowmen through people's yards in my car Yeah, I fucked my car up. Oh, yeah fucked it and now we were so drunk We were like, this is so fun. And then the next day I'm like, oh my god My dad's gonna beat the shit out of me Wow

Incredible. Yeah, what's your love life like, Derek? Non-existent. I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time.

Have you kissed a girl since you moved to Austin?

Yeah, I moved here three years ago, so...

Oh, perfect.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, you got to snag one every now and again. Um, you know, hit them on 6th Street while they're...

Yeah.

...incomprehensible. I don't mean to. Hit him with your rope. Come here, bitch! Ha, ha, ha.

I love it. Well, Derek, fun times. Here's a joke book. How about a hand for Derek Larson, everybody?

Thank you so much, man.

All right. We're flying through it tonight. Um, here's your next, uh, bucketful. You guys having fun out there? All right. Make some noise for your next one. It's Nick Cano, everybody. Nick Cano is next on Kilto.

♪♪

I was talking to my black friend the other day on the phone, and he was ignoring me. He was really pissing me off. So I was like, you know what? Go to black hell. That got his attention. Yeah, he turned around real quick. Yo, black hell is crazy, bro. Is it?

You guys think hell's not segregated? It's run by the fucking devil. Like the most evil guy of all time. What do you think black hell would be like? Just more everyday finding out you are the father forever?

Baby's name is smoke detector. always needs batteries, you know? There's gay hell. There's two levels of gay hell. There's top end, bottom, hell yeah. Not homophobic, I just hate people that love to gossip.

Japanese hell would just be Vietnamese heaven.

I don't know.

I think Mexican hell is actually froze over right now because of all the ice. I'm just really glad I don't have to go to Indian hell. Can you imagine how bad that place fucking smells?

Holy shit. Thank you so much, guys.

Fuck yeah. Nick Canna. Sticking with one bit for a full minute. Great stuff man. How long you been on stand up? A year and a half. Year and a half. All of it in Austin? Fort Worth. Okay, that's where you live now? Yes sir. Awesome. What do you do for work?

I work at Big Laugh. Big Laugh Comedy Club in Fort Worth. Okay, perfect. I actually feel like I'm in Black Hell listening to these jokes.

Oh my God, I'm in Black Hell in Black History Month.

What the fuck am I doing? You didn't have to start with Black Hell. You could have ended it.

You should have closed with Black Hell.

I should have, but I feel like that would be

more disrespectful. You know, it is Black History Month, you know put him put in the front of the joke instead of the back of the buses

In black heaven right now that was a funny joke

Nick tell us more about your life. What ethnicity are you? You look like you could be fucking everything.

I've been told I look ambiguous and I fucking hate it. I'm 100% Mexican.

You look like a big mouth character for sure.

I fucking wish.

There's some mick roll going on with you, buddy.

I fucking wish.

I'd probably get pussy.

Wow. So you're 100% Mexican? Yeah. What are your parents like?

They are dead.

Wow. How did they die?

My mom had like a fucking brain aneurysm.

How did your dad die?

My dad died, dude, funny story guys. I tried to kill myself one time, and my dad misses dialysis. So one day he woke up having a heart attack, and I was still overdosing or like high on Xanax. So I had to drive him like 120 miles an hour to like 30 minute away hospital.

Took the wrong turn and he died in the car.

Wow. That's one of the most amazing answers to a question I've ever gotten on this show. Wow!

That's one of the most amazing answers to a question I've ever gotten on this show. So, how long ago did that happen?

That was in 2018.

2018.

Yes, sir. So, I'd imagine you felt a lot of guilt.

Oh, yeah. It definitely didn't help at all that I was high the whole time, you know? You know how annoying it is to be woken up at all by your parents? Imagine being, like, stoned high off of Xanax, and your dad's like, I'm having a heart attack.

You're like, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? I was freaking out. I hated it. So I just delved into it more and went to jail and shit.

Right. Okay. went to jail and shit right I think his hell is a lot worse than black hill yeah that's how you know there's a mother that's why I go to church now yeah do

you go to church no that's a lie oh you're a funny guy Nick thank you that's what it takes it takes a lot of darkness people with two dead parents are always very funny it's a thing agree yeah everybody should kill their parents there you go yeah if you want to make it big you know what you're doing right amazing what else what other trauma do you have in life because you said your

parents were dead like it was nothing I actually do this show called trauma dumping because there's a bunch of bullshit This girl one time I took her to go see Sam Talon and hyenas and she threw up all over me And told me she was cheating on me Wow and then said I asked her why and she goes I just find them more attractive than you in every way possible so I lost like a hundred pounds and

Yeah, it started being really mean to girls.

You started being really mean to girls?

Yeah.

Oh my God, in what way? Tell us about that.

Like, I don't know. Apparently you're not supposed to hook up with comics because it makes things really weird.

Like-

Speak for yourself.

And-

You make anything really weird.

Yeah, I do. Touché. Wait, do you know what touché means?

I do.

Okay, cool.

You know what? I've been nice as shit.

I just learned backstage.

I've been nice as shit.

Yo, if you kill yourself tonight, I wouldn't give a fuck.

I wouldn't give a fuck either, bro. In fact, the guy that had the gun, I'm gonna tell him to bring it back so you can shoot yourself right in the fucking dimple.

I'll send you a letter of what hell I end up in, yeah.

All right, okay.

God damn it, I love you, dude.

Yeah.

Amazing. Nick, before I let you go, what...

No, let him go. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Let him get the fuck out of here, man. I love him. There's some rope on the balcony, man. Just fucking jump.

This will be the first time I walk before you do, man.

Hey!

Nick Pano.

Let me tell you what I do. Listen, look how much better I make this garbage-ass comedian. Now he's got his rhythm, it's dark, we're having fun, and I appreciate that. And what I found for that, it feels like you need to be pushed in a corner to really be funny.

You are coming from a dark place, and I think it's something to be said to have as much tragedy as you had in your life to be able to make fun of it. Even though I'm the butt of your jokes, I don't have a problem with that, but something sparked you to be funny because the other shit you did was very suicidal.

Now, you're gonna live.

Fuck!

Let's find out.

♪♪

Nick Cano, I love your style, love your jokes. Amazing stuff. Here's a big joke book. Great stuff.

Fuck out of here. Hey, man, that's racist. No, no, no! joke buck great stuff everybody I just tumble his whole dreams that you did

mother fucker well this is very exciting. This looks like a new name. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for Randolph Davies, everybody. Randolph! Wow. Okay.

Uh. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. That's what I said when my masseuse told me she farted in my mouth while I was asleep. I was, uh...

I've been on the road with the counting crows for about 35 years. You know, you see a lot of stuff, you get a lot of things get you down, get you tense, so I try to get a massage from time to time. And I went to this, I used to get a massage from this girl. She started having too many seizures, so I had to stop using her. But, uh... So I got a new girl, bigger girl.

Fat, you could say, right? And a lot of that would push up on top of me. I was getting a massage, getting relaxed, fell asleep. And I wake up, and she goes, Hey, sorry about the fart. And I said, uh...

What? And at first I thought she was blaming me. And I said, uh, what? And at first I thought she was blaming, you know, blaming me. Like, sorry about you couldn't control your asshole, you know? And then I said, uh, I said, my bad. It has a mind of its own. She goes, no, no, I'm the one that farted.

I'm the farter, is what she said. I said, I don't know why you would, you know, turn yourself in after you robbed the bank, but... That's not gonna help your reviews, you know what I'm saying? I'm not gonna go online and say, Tina's super honest. I love that.

And if you fall asleep at the right moment,

she'll put a little secret in your mouth for free. All right, that's all my time. Thank you so much. Wow! Randolph Davies! moments you put a little secret in your mouth for free. All right, that's all my time. Thank you so much.

Wow! Randolph Davies! Unbelievable! I've never... I mean, look at you! This is incredible. Unbelievable execution,

writing, timing, beats. It all seems genuine. The cowboy hat doesn't fit. You're at the top here. But you seem like you got a lot of stories, pal.

I could tell you a few.

Wow. What was working with the Counting Crows for that long like?

I was basically the guy that tuned the guitars, get them drugs, find restaurants that were fun to go to, mounting crows for that long like. I was basically the guy that tuned the guitars, get them drugs, find restaurants that were fun to go to, get them pad thai whenever they need it.

Yeah.

One time we were in New Jersey, Adam Burris and I went to a regular massage parlor. And you can always tell when it's not, you know? The marquee's just a little bit

worn down kind of like the

The people inside, you know And we get in there and and right away. I don't want to do the accent, but you know who it was, you know

And

She said something I didn't understand and and I knew what it meant though, you know saying there was a? There was a twinkle in her eye. Like she was down to clown, you know. So Adam and I went in, they only had one room, so we had to be in there together. And, well long story short, we both got jerked off at the same time. And this was two days before Christmas. I looked over to him and I said, boy, this is quite the long December.

You know what I'm saying?

Wow.

Randolph Davies has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. I've noticed that almost every one of your jokes and stories revolves around getting a massage.

Ha ha ha.

Well, you know, life gets hard, Tony. You gotta relax. And it's the only way for me to shut down, mentally and physically. So some people, you know, I'll play a little Xbox Live from time to time.

But...

Wow.

Wow.

Free Britney 69 if you wanna find me on Xbox, by the way.

That's your handle? Free Britney? Is that for Britney Spears?

No, for Britney Griner.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, he picked up the toothpick and right back in the mouth. This is a true road dog.

Hey, Lord knows this thing ain't been worse places than I have.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Wow, Randolph, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

First time.

This is your first time? First time ever on stage. Absolutely worked continuous beats on the audience. Like a pro. Like someone that's been doing it for decades. Absolutely incredible.

What made you wanna, how old are you?

55.

55. What made you wanna start stand up here on Kill Tony tonight at 55?

Well, you know, life gets crazy, Tony. I've been living in Temecula for about the last 14 years, right? My wife and my ex-wife became friends. We opened up a winery called Oops. Which I know sounds like a jokey beverage establishment,

but it's actually kid-friendly. We have a little petting zoo and all that shit. My point is, I've traveled everywhere. I've done everything. And I just figured, you know, shit, it's either, you know, fuck a guy

or do standup at this point.

Wow.

You came to the right show, buddy.

Yep.

Bad boy.

I like her.

Out and play. boy I like her I got a question for you you say this is your first time doing stand-up that's right sir but it's obvious that you you had some jokes that

you prepared how long did you think about doing stand-up before you decided

you actually gonna do it well you know I was told there'd be no pop quizzes on this show.

I'm just trying to get people to know.

I just want, I was trying to.

I hear you. I hear you. I hear you.

Settle down. Settle down.

This is why I don't want to have give good advice to try to do some stuff.

No, no, no. I read you loud and clear. I appreciate it.

Right.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You know, it's one of those things, again, I've done it all. I've been around the moon and back, you know? Yeah. And you just get to a point where you go, that's what else is there to do? anymore. Right. They either listen to the book or they want to go see the book live in film form. How fucking long did it take you to decide if this is something you really wanted to do?

About 15 minutes. Okay. You see, you see, you see, you see, you see, I'm not a guy, I'm not a guy, darn hell, that does. I don't. He's paying attention, he's paying attention. I'm a fan. I'm not a, I'm not a guy that likes to plan ahead. Life throws so much at you. Life, life is, I mean, I've, I mean, I'm, you know, I've dated girls. I've, I mean, I've dated girls, I've fucked pregnant girls, I've fucked a girl with, you know, man, she had cervical cancer for about a month.

What was that like? Can you describe that to us?

The sex was unbelievable.

Yeah.

Because she thought this was a wrap, you know? So we got to do everything, you know? She beat it. She beat it. Shout out to Jill.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible. And the pregnant women, you said women, plural Randolph Davies.

I did, didn't I?

Yeah, you did. What's that like? I've never been with a pregnant woman. Is there something that you've noticed that's different than a pregnant woman than a woman that isn't pregnant?

I mean, look, that's, you know, that's like asking someone to explain the plot of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. You know what I'm saying? You want to know, but you don't have time. You have any fun stories about Courtney Cox? I thought you were going to ask me to do the secret show.

I'd love to have you on the secret show.

No, I'm busy. I'm busy.

He's busy. He can't make it to The Seeker Show.

Got to get a wart removed. I do. I got a wart on my finger. Those pregnant bitches got it somewhere.

Wow.

What was the question, Brian?

Do you ever have any fun stories about Courtney Cox?

You know, counting crows? Yeah, I partied with Courtney a couple of times as pre-friends, and she was wild, spunky. People always say Matthew Perry was a crazy one because of the whole hot tub thing, but no, Courtney Cox was spunky, adventurous. Every other day, she's like,

you want to go bungee jumping, or go down to Yoshinoya. You ever, you know what Yoshinoya is? It's a fast food Chinese restaurant. Yeah. I mean, they should call it E. coli city.

Yeah.

But she always wanted to eat there. So to me, that was, well, she's a risk taker, right? But I saw her tits once.

Yeah.

Beautiful. I don't want to say like that's, you know, I don't know her personally because of that, but I, you know, once you see someone half naked, you get a little bit more familiarity, right? What was the question again, Brian?

The perfect answer. No, you nailed it.

It was great. Very funny.

You nailed it. So you were a roadie for the Counting Crows for 35 years? That's right. I'd imagine you know how to play the guitar, right? Are there any other instruments or special skills or talents that you have?

I was an auctioneer for a little bit. You know, mostly, you know, there's haikus, you know. My, I had a nephew, well, have, I guess he's, you know, he's an RIP, he's not dead, he's dead to me, but he's a, shout out to I guess he's, you know, they're always coming up, you know, big Counting Crow fans, you know, the Indian people.

So just a lot of questions from my side of things. And I just, you know, want to be out and enjoy, support my nephew and here I am, you know. Oh yeah, no, I was at Sarasota too, sir, you know. But yeah, so spoken word, you know, if you guys want to hit me with a little Something I can give you a little bit of a the slam poetry that I used to oh hell

Yeah, absolutely. I could I could listen to you and talk to you all day Randolph Davies. Let it rip something in the key of e

But also dealers choice, you know, it's your show

Randolph Davies. The kiltony debut of Randolph Davies.

Well, I was driving drunk again down the 405. Couldn't quite remember if I wanted to be alive so I opened up my book and I remembered what Captain Hook said in Peter Pan he said he said give me all them boys give me all them girls I'm gonna take them to the plank and watch them vanilla swirl down into the ocean. Deep inside the ocean.

There might be sharks. Look out. And big old fish and trout. Maybe we can get back to land and find my friend Stan.

He...

has the drugs. Stan always had drugs, I'll tell you this what. Stan gave me a pill one time, and I danced with a coconut tree for an hour and a half. Ooh, she could move. She could groove.

But one thing I learned in this life at 55 years old is that even through a pandemic, mold is mold. So throw that peanut butter in the trash. It ain't good no more. It ain't good no more.

-♪♪

I'm allergic to gluten by the way. Alright, that's it. Thank you so much. That's it out of me.

Randolph babies. Wait. Randolph, I gotta tell ya. Every once in a while, an absolute saint comes around. My friend, you are the newest Golden Ticket winner

here on Kill Tony.

♪♪

Randolph. Take that with you.

Randolph Davies, ladies and gentlemen, an absolute phenom. I'm sure we'll be seeing more of Randolph in the very near future. Absolutely incredible. Alright, well, you guys, this is the greatest show in the world or what?

There's Heidi. Alright, let's get another bucket pull up here. Make some noise for Pat O'Neill, everybody. Pat O'Neill.

Folks!

I was watching Batman earlier, and it really got me thinking, you know? Because Bruce Wayne, his alter ego is Batman, inspired by his paralyzing fear of bats. So I guess then my superhero name would be Black Man.

Uh...

Man, okay.

And considering how many of these superheroes get their power from radiation, not nearly enough of them are Japanese. Uh... Come on, Asian jokes are short-sighted. And... What do I know?

Until Oppenheimer came out, I thought Nagasaki was about black blowjobs. Uh...

Speaking of...

Speaking of overreactions, Hamas really brought a knife to a fucking space laser fight, huh? Holy shit! Out of control! I'll never understand how conflict in the Middle East has lasted so long. Considering half of them face the same way five times a day. Fucking sneak up behind them! Problem solved. You are welcome Jews. Okay, thank you.

Wow, Pat O'Neill has done it again. You are one of the funniest people, Pat. How's life going, buddy? Eh, all right. How about you? I'm great, Pat.

I'm great.

Good, good.

Pat looks like this all the time, by the way. This isn't a character or anything.

No, I'm...

He looks and sounds suicidal, but I would try to save his life. I'm telling you, you've... I don't know too much about you, whatever, but you have a very funny, funny energy. It always reminded me of like, Howie Mandel, when Howie Mandel first started, right? He had this nervous energy and he worked with it. This is my first time seeing you,

but you look funny, you sound funny, and you're funny.

Hey, remember the last time you were on, you wanted to fuck that trans girl?

Yeah! Yeah! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Oh

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what that's funny. I'll just leave it at that. My DM's already blown up. I don't need no more Tonya Tonys in my motherfucking DM. But I do remember that time where I misspoke and I said something that was inappropriate. That's what I remember. But you're still funny.

Thank you.

Thank you, Tonya.

Did you fuck that trans girl?

Fucking let's get to it together after Hell yeah, look at that. Someone order the charcuterie board. There's three types of crazy meat at this party Pat what is your love life? Like you seem like the kind of guy that would fuck almost anything Matt out of the dating game doing that thing lately where you'll whack off for hours before finishing. Ooh Tell us about that. What's that? What's it called again? Oh Yeah, coke. I'm doing a lot of cocaine. Oh

Tough to come on coke Wow incredible, where are you? How often are you doing cocaine?

Now yes Incredible. Where are you, uh... How often are you doing cocaine? Uh, I don't know. Now?

Yes.

No, not anymore.

Not anymore?

Deviated septum.

Oh.

Better to go to sleep every now and then.

Yeah. You're such a funny guy, Pat. Are you getting on stage a lot here in Austin?

Yeah. Yeah.

Just every night? Yeah. yeah. I just, yes. Every night?

Yeah.

What do you do for work?

I got fired two weeks ago.

Ooh, fired from? Like a mortgage company. What did you do to get fired?

Cocaine.

Yeah.

That's how the septum got deviated.

Yes.

I understand the nature of the show, but I have like a severance thing where I'm getting paid. So I like literally cannot. Perfect answer.

I'm sorry.

No, it's great. No, I love it. Saying I understand the nature of the show, but I have a severance thing is actually the best answer I think we've ever gotten for that question.

I can't be homeless.

I'm sorry. No, it's fantastic. You already look it. You can't actually live it. Tell us something else crazy about your life, Pat. How did you end up like this? Are your parents dead, too? My dad is, yes. Yep, there you go.

Dad is a doorknob. How did your dad die? Liver cirrhosis at age 40.

Oh!

Wow.

My God. Oh Wow My god, how much was he drinking to get that at 40 a lot? Yeah all day Yes. Yeah. Yes Amazing. I ask these questions because I like to have a few drinks at night and I get scared. I'm a little hypochondriac 40 that's amazing. How old was he when he had you? Uh, I don't know. How old were you when he died? Let's put it that way. 16, I think. Okay. How old are you now? You look like you could be anything. Somehow still look 16. You locked in.

Spam wire. 29.

29. Perfect.

20. Jesus.

Yeah. You guys might not be able to hear it over the podcast, but the entire crowd just gasped and all said different words. A lot of fucks, Jesuses.

Very rude audience. Make these fuckers laugh.

Pat, you are absolutely hilarious. We love you here on this show. Keep coming back.

Golden ticket, golden ticket.

Is that what you want?

More than anything in the world.

Really?

I could use my whole life to, yeah.

Well, I just gave the only one I have up here away.

I won't disappoint you.

I won't bother you to be on a lot.

You know, we got another one. Fuck you, Pat O'Neill, you just won a golden ticket. Boom. There you go. Thank you! Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Secret Thursday.

There you go.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're gonna invite him to do the secret show? All right, well, it's good when you do it on the mic. But there you go, he's got a gig on Thursday.

Oh, okay. for sure. Yeah. Honestly I think he was deserved for a long time ago. He's one of the funniest.

Of course yes I completely agree. I completely agree. It takes a lot to uh it takes a lot to uh to do that as a normal white guy nowadays and he always absolutely knocks it out of the park. How about one more time for Pat O'Neill everybody. There are golden ticket winners on this show that leave avails, and sometimes we can squeeze them into the show, and then there are regulars, ladies and gentlemen.

Your next comedian is a regular, and there is a big difference between regulars and Golden Ticket winners. Regulars have to write a new minute every single week. This is one of those guys. He was once the Dark Storm of Atlanta. Now he is the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas.

Make some fucking noise for the one and only. This is a brand-new set from Dedric Flynn.

♪♪ Yeah!

Yo, me and my white roommate, I had to go do a show in Marble Falls, Texas. It's not a real place, even though I went there. And when the sun went down, I looked at my roommate. I said, I think it's time for us to go. I think that's the rules out here. And so we start driving back, and the shit looked on the way.

There's no, like, street lights. It looked like where you meet the devil, and that nigga charged, like he challenged you to play guitar for your soul. So while we driving, I looked at him and I said, yo, I gotta pee, I'm about to pee in this Gatorade bottle. And then he looked at me, his white ass said,

I'll just pull over. No nigga, you're not. We're not stopping here. And then he was like, what, you scared like a mountain lion's gonna come get you? I said, nigga, that's best case scenario. Worst case scenario, a white guy. You know what I'm saying? Like that?

I'm trying to take a piss and a nigga come out of the cornfield talking about, you fellers lost. Wrong turn, now I'm getting raped and slowly eaten. Like, I don't care what you say if y'all was in the woods and you saw a white guy just appeared the whole time in your head you're like i wish this nigga was a grizzly bear i because you can you they have shit for bears they got the shit called

bear mace you spray it on a bear and the bear get the fuck away there's a hundred videos have been working there's twice as many videos of a white guy walking through Bear Mace and getting tazed, still trying to make a point. And I told that bitch to bring my soda over there. Nigga, I don't want to do that. That shit's scary. And if we being honest, nigga, the scariest bears are white.

Polar bears don't. All they do is kill, nigga. That's just my biggest fear is running to a polar bear with no Coca-Cola.

-$10,000. -$10,000. $10,000.

$10,000. Actually, let me change that. My biggest fear is running to a polar bear with Pepsi, nigga. That, just, now I'm getting raped and slowly eaten by a goddamn polar bear. That's my time. I love y'all. Cedric Flynn has done it again.

Donnell.

No, I wanted to say this is interesting, because I've said this before. This is one of the best. This reminded me of back in the day with Def Jam, where it was a platform where people that you didn't see get to perform.

I saw you. You pulled up, I don't know, in my algorithms or something. And I think I commented. You did. I don't know, in my algorithms or something. And I think I commented on your page. And I said, I said, original. I said authentic. And I said something else.

You said I was really funny. It was a great written joke. And it was authentic. And this is a real comic. I know because I screenshot it and I said it to my mama

immediately.

I said, nigga, immediately.

I said, that's your fan. Even though with this show, you get some duds, but it also gives everybody an opportunity to do their shit. So for me to come see you, I was like, oh, that's the motherfucker. Just randomly, I saw that shit, because you don't always see that. So not just because you're black.

You're a funny guy. You're an original man, and I wish you the best. You're going to be big.

I love you, man.

Marble Falls, huh? Yeah. How far is that? 45 minutes in the wrong direction. I'm pretty sure 45 minutes any direction in Austin is the wrong direction. I see where they got the airport, because you need to get the fuck over.

That shit was terrifying. I thought we was going to get pulled over the whole time. And I don't want to get... Because the cops in Texas, these niggas is like fourth generation cops like they were like my daddy was a sheriff and his daddy was a sheriff and hit that I don't want no nigga with the athletic ability to see that I'm doing crime and just let y'all know he say these niggas

he meant police okay all right well yeah yeah. Shut up. The police.

The police love you.

No, y'all good. Y'all good. But I'm talking about the other ones.

Ha ha ha.

What's the worst run-in with the cops that you've had, Dedric? Oh, shit, nigga.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

These... They...

All right, I... These... They...

All right, I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes I do deserve to get caught doing crime. Especially if you smile, so... Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just... So, we was stealing from the... We was stealing from, like, the gas station when we was kids.

And we thought we could run away, but I... They don't teach you as a kid, you can't outrun a cop car. And that nigga just pulled over there, he pulled me and my brothers over there, like slammed us on the ground. We were like seven, eight years old. And the whole time he was like, what did you take? And I was like, aw, nigga, I took him some gum.

And he was like, bro, I can see your pockets. And I didn like, nigga, that's the easiest. They saw me. I wasn't a good stealer. So I started selling drugs.

Started selling drugs at seven or eight years old.

Yeah, they need them.

The hustle starts early. Amazing. Dedrick is from Atlanta, Georgia. You have any history in Atlanta?

Not that I want to talk about.

You did. You had did the laughing skull one time and I came out cuz Johansson Collins brought me out to the laughing Skull and I had did that Oreo joke and you was like when I walked back They said it was dying laughing at your jokes and I cried in the green room until you walk back in cuz I was Yeah, you look I was really good then too

No, it's safe to say that I'm telling you this is so because you know, I You just popped up on my timeline. A lot of times I'm like, boo, boo, boo, boo. But then, and the fact that this was the second time that I listened or heard you tell jokes, and I appreciate it, that's...

Not that I'm the fucking god to this shit, but, you know, I really appreciate it. Obviously, I've been appreciating what you've been doing for the longest time, because I haven't been in the Laugh-It-Skull in a long time.

Yeah, that was a long time ago, because you was pissed off because you wanted the Cowboys to lose so you could talk shit to Charlamagne, the guy. Exactly. Fuck Charlamagne. Old contour face, high-ch'm sorry, Charlamagne, we're at odds with each other.

Trevor Wallace, what is it like to be inside of an Oreo cookie right now?

That'd be double stuff. I feel like I'm in a cuck situation right here.

They're just lacing each other back and forth.

You got deaf comedy jam to your sides and blind comedy jam behind you.

Pfft.

Dedrick, you are the fucking man. We're gonna keep it moving. Dedrick's done it again. Dedrick did it again. Dedrick did it again. Onward we go. Ah, look at this name.

This looks new and interesting. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. It is Vincenzo Maraschio. Vincenzo Maraschio.

-♪♪

I got a confession to make, guys. The first time I ever heard of LGBTQ+, I thought it was like a fancy way of saying, I want everything on my burger. Turns out it's a fancy way of saying, you love everything up your ass.

I'm from the East Coast, and I'm a foodie. So the first time I heard of Grindr, I thought it was an app for sandwiches. Turns out it's for dicks. Yeah. So I came in the dude's mouth. I was like, where's the sandwich?

When does it show up? I'm way hungrier and a lot more yay now. Yeah, I really didn't know that guy was gay till about a week later. He texted me. He was like, do you want to go to a Dallas Cowboys football

game? That was it. That didn't have been hard. That's been my time. Thank you guys.

Vincenzo Marassio. That was the. That didn't have been all right. That's been my time. Thank you, guys. Vincenzo Marassio.

That was the most interesting way to come out of the closet

I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah. You should have just opened up and said,

I sucked this guy's dick, and then...

Okay.

Yeah, it was interesting. It was almost all gay sandwich-themed. First joke was about a burger, the next one was about a sandwich, but both were gay jokes. Not gay, and if you want to know something crazy,

I've only ever eaten black pussy.

Really?

Yeah.

I've slept with white girls,

just never got around to eating their pussy.

How did you get around to eating a black pussy?

I just hooked up with a lot of black chicks, yeah. A lot of black chicks? They like me, yeah, yeah. Really?

I like them. It's better seasoned.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Lots of flavor.

Red band.

I shouldn't be laughing at this shit, but that was funny.

So how many black pussies do you think you've eaten? And why do I feel like you're talking about actual cats?

No, no, no. Probably three dozen, but yeah, definitely.

Three dozen black pussies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how many a dozen is?

The majority of chicks I've hooked up with are black, yeah.

I think you can say it.

Some of them do want me to, yeah, at times.

Wow.

You think you've eaten ballpark 36 black pussies?

100%, yeah, yeah.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, but not one white one?

No.

How many white women do you think you've had sex with? Not a lot, less than 10. Less than 10. How many black women do you think you've had sex with?

Probably close to 50.

Wow.

Where are you?

I want to see if he's telling the truth. Finish this sentence right here. The black of the berry,

sweet of the juice.

Yes, he's had some black pussy.

Oh, come on. That's entry level. Let's do another one. Wu-Tang Clan. Cut the lights off! All right, well you get the covers. Oh, you know what let's end this game

Jesus Christ Almighty this shows out of fucking control

Makes me wonder how many black pussies Randolph Davies is eaten

So how many black pussies have you... Yeah. Shut the fuck up. We can call... Face that way.

How many black pussies have you... Face that way.

Face that way. Vincenzio, shut the fuck up. What do you do for work?

I work at the Vulcan now.

Oh, you work at Vulcan Gas Company. You're a door guy there? Yep.

Okay, what did you do before that? I sell sports cards and Pokemon cards and stuff like that.

Pokemon cards?

And that got you black pussy?

Yeah.

You ever seen a holographic bitch?

Nope.

I got a supplier for the LeBoo-Boos.

Wow.

OK.

Vincenzo, Vincenzo. You've been on this show before, correct? Yes. What did we find out during that interview? Oh just that I've been working out

I lost almost a hundred pounds recently

How did I do it yeah only eating black pussy

She gets you stressed out you lose a lot of weight How did you lose the weight running and eating salad? Fuck yeah, it's at Chick-fil-A.

Salads at Chick-fil-A?

Well, like, if you're, like, because I've been on the road doing a little bit of comedy and stuff, trying to, like, eat healthy, fucking get salads at fast food places, trying to do shit like that. Do as smart as shit you can, you know?

And fucking eat a bunch of black pussy too. That's... Okay. Is there anything else interesting about you?

He was starved.

He's not eating a lot of black pussy in his audience right now.

I did get two beautiful white girls to show me their tits in front of the Sunset Strip.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

It was...

Homeless tits, everybody.

No, no, no, not homeless tits.

Everyone loves homeless tits. They were like OnlyFans girls fansly or whatever. Yeah, it was dope.

All right, Vincenzo.

Ellie James and...

Okay, all right, Vincenzo.

Very good.

They're not gonna let you hit.

That man's gonna want to see their tits.

That man's gonna want to see their tits.

How'd you get him to show it and talk slowly?

So they asked me how many black pussies I had eaten. I just decided to eat them. No, are they actually... Vincenzo, I'm gonna get you out of here. Here's a little black joke book you can munch on later. There he goes. Vincenzo Marassio. We're gonna keep it moving along here. All right, we're having fun here.

This is a three-word name. Make some noise for Jerry Debo Smith. Jerry Debo Smith, everyone.

♪♪ Don't be funny. Don't be funny.

Uh, I like to eat pussy. But don't get me confused with these young dudes eating ass, calling it groceries. That's not groceries. That's chitlins, and you niggas need to stop.

That is chitlins.

I think a lot of dudes eat ass because they still don't know where the clitoris is, but I do. Wow. And because of that, I have two rules, ladies. Like, the first one is if I can smell it before you take your pants off, I'm not eating that shit. And they always get mad at you when you tell them

that they pussy stink like they don't know. Like, bitch, you knew that pussy smelled like a 91-degree day in Puerto Rico before you came over here. And the second one is, if you ever had an abortion, yeah, I always lose people on that part. But fuck that, somebody got murdered in there. Y'all know niggas don't fuck around in haunted houses.

My tongue, my choice, bitch.

Thank you. There you go.

Jerry Debo Smith. Were you going to do a pussy eating joke before?

I had a shit when he was talking about pussy, like he gets some at all.

He says that he does. He says that he's eaten 36 black pussies. What do you think about that?

I think he's a white liar.

Ha ha ha.

And y'all believe that shit. Look at that fat motherfucker. He ain't eat no black pussy.

Do you eat black pussy?

Exclusively.

You've never eaten a white pussy?

Hell no.

When you say hell no like that, why? Uh, because a couple of months ago,

I seen a TikTok where they asked a white girl, if you take a shower on Wednesday, when the next time you take a shower, this bitch say Friday. Fuck that shit.

Because of one?

No. White women don't wash every day. Fuck that shit.

You think that's a thing?

I know that's a thing.

White women, is that true?

No.

Of course they gonna say it while they on camera. Them bitches sitting on Krabby Patties. John, you said that was a split decision.

Split decision.

They do stripper showers, though, where they take, like, butt wipes and clean out.

Okay, red band. That's not good, and they take like butt wipes and clean out. Okay, Red Band.

That's not good, and that's why your eyes look like that.

Pfft. Ha ha ha.

Do look a little inflamed, a little swollen.

They do.

A little bit swollen. Jerry Debo Smith, what do you do for work?

I'm just a comedian, that's all I do for work.

Love that. How long you been doing it?

15 years.

15 years. Where at?

What part of Florida?

San Antonio. Oh, San Antonio.

I'm originally from Washington, D.C. What's up, brother?

Hey, what's going on, bro?

All right. Why come you guys said hi like that after D.C. was brought up? That's the city chocolate city, baby. Okay, don't let him in and I'm not fucking with him

Jerry Bebo Smith see your middle name

No, my middle name is Dwayne Debo is my nickname and I just use that for my stage name It's your what name my nickname. I thought you said something else

Dwayne is my middle name. Yeah, yeah. That's what we call it. That's the government. You're like, I have friends, I didn't even know who their real name was like 10 years later. One of my friends' name is, his name is 40. They call him Jermaine.

And this girl was like, have you seen Jermaine? I was like, who the fuck is Jermaine? I know 40. My government is Jerry Dwayne Smith. See, that's the real name. What's your government? Fuck you. Donnell Maurice Rawlings.

I left the black community years ago.

I said, fuck you.

It got too confusing. And confusing as shit.

Oh, my god. So, Jerry, you're born and raised in, or you started in DC.

What made you move to DC? No, I started in San Antonio. I started at Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club, but I've been living there since 2010, and that's when I started.

What made you move to San Antonio?

My dad, my brother was in the military, and he got, he left, and then he had a baby in San Antonio and stayed there, and my dad moved down there, so I just moved once I got divorced, because I was running from a terrorist.

Is that just a girlfriend or? An ex-wife, I was married. Baby mama?

No, I ain't had no kids with this bitch, you crazy?

Pfft. You married her and you didn't have kids with her?

Thank God.

Wow, how did that happen?

By the grace of God, won't he do it?

Wow.

Won't he will. You're full black? Uh, no, I remember I told y'all last time my mom was white. My mom was white, yeah.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Your dad was dark as shit.

My dad is purple.

Yeah.

I'm like, I know.

I had no idea.

And you, and y'all laughing just for my mom's white. That's why my daddy stayed. He's still alive, goddammit.

Wow, that's incredible. You still have a relationship with your mom?

My mom passed away in 95. We had this conversation, sir.

Oh, we did? How did she pass away?

Bum, bum, bum, bum.

Here it comes.

I was waiting for fucking Red Bandit

to do it like he did the last time and shit.

You got to say how she died and then he does it.

She had kidney failure. She passed away. Kidney disease. I knew he was going to do it. I just did it before he did it, because I ain't wanted to kick his ass after this show.

Wow.

Amazing. OK. But Dad's still fine.

Yeah, Dad's fine for now. Yeah, he's fine. He good. He just, he's in dialysis right now, actually, too. He's 76. Dialysis? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

His kidneys is messing up, he be having... -♪♪ -♪♪ I already knew he was going, because this nigga still ain't got no sleeves on.

-♪♪

The sleeveless samurais at it again.

He is. What was the last real job that you had, Jerry Devo Smith?

I delivered furniture for errands.

For errands?

Yeah, for like seven years, but after that if you want to consider a real job I worked the door and laugh out loud for 10 years. Oh wow Okay, I work with this nigga a couple times to me. I'm daddy show a couple times. Okay, I remember niggas

Incredible all right Jerry well fun times you did it again

You get a big joke, but yes, I did, but I'll take the little book.

Here's a very, very dark black one, just like your dad. Boom. On we go. Should be the final bucket full of the night, I do believe. And what a name it is. Make some noise for Ralphie the bartender.

Ralphie the bartender. Here's Ralphie the bartender.

So a couple months ago I go to Home Depot to look for a dude and he didn't really come with a green card but a really long kink card. So we started dating. And things have been going pretty good. The other night we're having a really intimate,

deep discussion. He's giving me the reassurance that you want and that you need a new relationship. He's like, I love you forever and ever and always. Amen. I'm like, Chingao dude, did you just bring your faith into this?

How cochino are you? And later that night, he's actually trying to put me on the dinner table and can you blame him? You know, a boy's gotta eat. And he's getting all sexy with me,

rubbing up on me and whatnot. And he's like, who's your man? And so immediately I sit up, and I look him dead in the eyes, and I'm like, our one and only, Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, amen. So he came, which is pretty cool,

because before this relationship, I really wasn't that religious, but apparently we pray every night now, because amen's our new safe word. Thank you. I'm Ralphie.

Ralphie DeBartendu.

Oh, man.

Golden ticket.

All right.

Ralphie, am I saying that right? Yes.

Ralphie, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

About a little less than six months.

Six months, perfect. That's a good answer for what that set was. I love it. What made you want to start stand-up six months ago?

I've been wanting to do it for ten years, but last year got a divorce and Been doing cool new shit nice. What made you get a divorce? Mother The wrong ones and he tried to kill me so really how did he try no know this is wrong, but what did you say? Oh.

I just...

I just can't jump the gun.

What did you do?

No, I'm joking.

Uh, started moving out early.

Yeah.

Nice. So, how long were you in that relationship for?

Six years.

Six years. Six years. And once you got out of it, that's when you realized you could start stand-up comedy? Yeah.

Doing a lot of bigger things than just stand-up as well. Just kind of blossoming.

Like what?

Uh, I started doing stunt doubling for motorcycle work. Oh, cool. How long have you been riding motorcycles? About 3,000 miles, so I'm still pretty fresh. OK. A time limit wouldn't be a good factor here.

He said, how long, not how far.

Oh.

I don't know.

My mechanic had my bike for over a year whenever I first got it, so it's been a while. It's hard. It's easier to say miles.

I think there's something about this story you're not telling us. Which part? This relationship, it was a husband? Common law.

Yeah, you cheated on him?

Fuck no.

He cheated on you?

Yeah. With girls that look like his mom, so. You know, you can't compete.

Was he Mexican? No, white. We have a brand new man for you. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. He doesn't see color.

And he won't walk out on you, okay?

So, Ralphie, tell us more about your life. What else is interesting about you?

I'm a welder, a mechanic, a gym enthusiast. Started acting recently.

Interesting. You were raised by a single father?

No, he died. He died?

Prr.

Prr.

How did he die?

Laced batch of H.

Oh.

Prr. Batch of heroin.

The heroin?

Yeah.

That was during the Biden administration?

No, way before. Really? Fentanyl?

Huh?

Was it fentanyl or just something else?

Rat poison.

Oh, wow. Okay, yeah. That's pre-Biden. Fentanyl was during Biden.

Clinton.

Yeah, exactly. Wow. How old were you when he passed away?

Four.

Wow. Damn. That sucks. You have a lot of siblings? Nope. Only child?

Yeah, I have two brothers. One's adopted and the other one's half-blood. Half-blood. They're not as cool as I am. Wow.

I didn't know Mexicans adopt kids.

Is your mom Mexican? No, my mother's white.

Oh, there you go.

Yeah, fuck that bitch.

But she's African.

Your dad was Mexican? Yes. And your mom's white?

Yep.

You still close with your mom?

No, fuck that bitch.

Why fuck that bitch?

We don't got all night, Tony.

Really?

Have you ever thought with all these relationships that you might be the problem? You sound just like my therapist right now.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Really?

Do you go to the therapist?

I do.

Nice.

I can't wait to tell her about all this tomorrow.

Yeah, the manic episode's going to hit hard after this. Where have you ridden this motorcycle at? What's the craziest place you've driven to?

Just in Corpus. I mean, they have horrible driving.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right. Have you ever been with a woman before?

Red band. How could you tell?

Look, this is, I believe this is our first female comedian of the night. You can't just, every time there's a lady up here, sexually harass her with questions like that. Have you been with a woman before?

I'd say the fifth, but yes.

Well, let me tell you, she does some mechanic work and the bitch rides motorcycles.

Tell by the face.

Wait, what?

Oh, red band. Um, uh, Ralphie, fun times. You got to keep working it. You're only six months in. Keep writing, keep trying. There's a little joke book.

Ralphie da bartender, ladies and gentlemen. That is what appears to be her name, Ralphie da bartender. All right, ladies and gentlemen, have we had a good night tonight or what, huh? So, we have a special treat for you. William couldn't make it, Ari, Matt, he couldn't make it,

Timmy couldn't make it, but I'm excited about how we're closing tonight's show, and I think you will be too, because I believe that this is the future of Kill Tony. This young man has only been on the show once before and he won a golden ticket at 21 years old. Ladies and gentlemen I think he's the future of the show, I think he's the future of comedy, and I'm positive he's

the future of musical comedy. make some fucking noise for Tony

Scar everybody How we doing folks?

Folks what if I told you there was a place where brilliant minds could collide? Where you could be drowning in pussy even if you're only the size of Big Mike. Celebrities around every corner And women that want you bad Nothing but nines and tens Folks, would you be interested in that? Well, welcome to Epstein's Island

I'm sure you won't forget it I'm trying not to get sued here So everything I say is alleged. It's always perfect weather. I wonder who controls that. Probably the guys with the beady eyes

and 1 4th of a hat. -♪♪ If Bill Clinton comes in under four minutes, there's four more weeks of winter. But he only comes in Asian women, or as he likes to call them, squinters. In his bathroom there was a black midget taking a bath. It was the world's first sopping wet three-fifths of one half. Trump was at the table tricking Muslims into eating pork.

He was sitting on JD Vance, and JD Vance was on all fours. They were eating with Anthony Fauci, and right before they prayed, Fauci turned into a fucking bat and flew away. It was crazy.

Biden slept with a prostitute, and after they had sex, she stepped onto the balcony to smoke a candy cigarette.

-♪♪♪♪

Steven Hawking was on the treadmill yelling, ♪♪ Rell, rell, re! Until I hit his eject button and he flew across the room. There was an Arabic stripper, she didn't take cash, she preferred that I threw rocks. She stripped down as much as a Muslim can. She took her socks halfway off.

-♪♪

-♪ There was a black stripper, a smoke show ♪ ♪ With beautiful ebony skin ♪ ♪ She stripped all her clothes off and stripped all the paint off ♪ ♪ And then she was white again ♪

-♪♪

-♪ And I couldn't believe she did blackface that's racist that's fucked so I only paid her half price once she redid all the makeup

I got dragged to the island by my friend Leanne. She had a tampon in her purse but no game plan. It was racquetball and pinball and badminton too.

And not a single ball that left the island was blue.

Well I didn't want to go but I didn't wanna miss the show Cause ever since I was a young, young boy, I had FOMO

I had FOMO I had FOMO I had FOMO I had the fear of missing out

I didn't wanna go, but I had FOMO, I had the fear of missing out, I didn't want to go, but I had FOMO. Everybody!

I had FOMO, I had FOMO, I had FOMO, I had FOMO, I had FOMO, I had FOMO, I had FOMO I didn't wanna go But I didn't wanna miss the show I had FOMO I had FOMO

I had FOMO

FOMO FOMO FOMO FOMO FOMO Pomo, Pomo, Pomo, Pomo

I had Pomo

That is Tony Stark Tony motherfucking Star has done it again. I'm getting word that Randolph Davies is plugging AdamRayComedy.com. Uh, Adam Ray is on tour. How about one more time for the great Tony Scar?

Tony.

How we doing?

Everything good, man? How's life changed for you since becoming a big fancy?

Dude, everything was good up until last night. Last night was fucking, I bit my tongue really hard last night. I'm horrible at eating pussy, dude. I don't know. I don't know how that happened.

I am. I had a really bad sex experience recently.

What happened?

It was really, I was going back to a girl's RV, because, you know, what's a house if it isn't also a car? Right? And I was back at her place, and she wanted to fuck, but she made me wear a condom, and I didn't bring a condom, because fellas know that if you don't bring a condom, That's how that works. I probably wasn't supposed to tell everybody that. That's my bad.

But I went back to her place and she was like, you can use my condom. And she put on a Magnum condom. And I'm not a Magnum kind of guy, Tony. So that was, it's not like putting your dad's T-shirt on. You know what I mean?

I was like a toothpick in a Ziploc bag. It was tough. Yeah, that's a predicament. But besides that, I mean, everything's been great. I still have a hard time getting booked around town, but I got managers and agents now. I got women hitting my line, which is awesome. Yeah, it's fucking fantastic.

Mostly 30-year-old women, which is great, because that's my fucking bread and butter, bro.

Yeah. Dude, this guy would get plowed on Epstein's Island. Holy shit. Yeah, dude.

I was there.

A human fleshlight, but you were there?

I was there, yeah. I was on a silver platter with an apple in my mouth, dude.

Amazing. Tony, you are so funny. The music is just absolutely incredible. Every line, every reference, you are a true star.

Thank you very much, brother.

It's amazing. Tony Starr, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you all, I love you folks. This episode brought to you by Bluetooth, Talkspace, and Shopify. Guys, I love this man with all my heart. How loud can this place get for the great Don L. Rawlings, everybody?

I love him.

He is on tour. See him. DonLRawlings dot com. Trust me. He's one of the best stand-ups in the world. Go see him. Don L Rawlings dot com. How about one more time for the great Trevor Wallace everybody. Check out his special April 1st on his YouTube. That's YouTube dot com slash Trevor Wallace. Find you part 2 from the Kill Tony band is out everywhere. HeidiRegina dot com.

Mozai makes our amazing joke books. Check out our incredible line of merch at KillMerch.com. The drawing from Ryan G. Belt is amazing. Donnell Rawlings and Trevor Wallace. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

Whoa, it's fucking Jeremy. The great Adam Ray character, Jeremy. How about one more time for Randolph Davies' debut tonight? And Pat O'Neill, both of them winning golden tickets. Red band? Coming to San Diego, American Comedy Co.com in June. Thank you. Yeah, don't forget, we are at the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles in the month of May,

making our return to L.A., doing a real Kill Tony episode for one night only. That's at the Intuit Dome in front of 17,500 people at once. It started in the Belly Room in front of 15 people and now 17,500. Uh, yeah. We love you guys. Thank you guys.

Thank you guys.

Good night, yeah. We love you guys. Thank you guys.