Limericks with Louie | Ep 295 | Bad Friends

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

How about you? Do you go to therapy, Carlos?

Weekly.

You do?

Yeah, for seven years.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

What do your therapists say? He must have had like notepad over notepaddle. You know, one of those scientific, you know, those like, yeah, like FBI, CIA, you know what I mean?

Boards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it's a hot girl.

And she gives me Molly.

It's not a therapist. Oh, it's a stripper.

You're saying this is a sticker for my where I go.

It's a large amount.

Fantasy therapy.

What is it called?

California? for psychedelic therapy. Oh my God. Yeah, it's great. That's so embarrassing.

So what, you did Austin, then you did Vegas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I went to a game in Austin,

hung with my family, then Vegas for a wedding.

In Austin, what else did you do there? You're not giving us the details.

I know, there's something else.

There's things going on in your life and we wanna know. I did match with a girl recently. Yeah. And it was the girl that we brought on stage in Houston.

Ooh.

I don't remember her.

I don't remember her either.

She's kind of Asian-y.

Ah.

And like, yeah, but like, it's like 80% white, 20% Asian.

Oh, that's a good, that's a good mix. That's a good mix.

80 white, 20, so a little Asian.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. What does it show? Just the eyes are not completely, there's an angle to them.

Right.

What?

Like a shark.

Like a shark.

Yeah.

Like when the eyes were being developed in the wound, the Asian.

You say in the wound?

Womb.

It's womb.

Yeah.

Carlos for years thought it was the wound. It's inside your wound. Yeah. That's a vagina, Carlos. It's a wound. I've heard it goes inside your wound.

But you, she, you follow her, Bobby.

I do?

Yeah, it's Marissa.

Tomei?

Oh, no, I know who you're talking about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wanna see who she looks like. Pull up her name, her last name. No, she ghosted me. And then-

Exactly.

No, but she followed me on Instagram. So we're doing okay.

Okay.

You getting ghosted a lot lately?

What's going on?

Yeah, it's all numbers game.

Yes, I remember at the show. Yeah.

I now remember.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My dad became- She's cute. Yeah, she's cute. So, she ghosted you?

She ghosted me, but then I think she responded because it was easy because I was already

back in LA.

Ah, oh, she waited till she knew you were gone? Yeah.

Smart, smart girl. It is smart. Yeah.

So, I'm going to try and trap her into a date in Austin.

Yeah, I think we should move to the Midwest. Where do you want to go? It's a better dating pool. Oh, it is for sure. Yeah. Every day I go on here is just like, you want to listen to my EP? No, it's not good. It's not good.

It's never good.

They don't say EP anymore.

Oh, whatever. Oh, you want to see my paintings? It's never good.

What do they say if they don't say EP? It would be like, go to my like SoundCloud or whatever. Okay. It would be like, here's like a record.

Well, I bet you some of the East side girls probably are like, I pressed a record.

They press it, dude.

I didn't know they were pressing.

Yeah, yeah.

Eagle Rock girls? Come on, dude.

They'd be pressing. They'd be pressing.

They'd absolutely be pressing. That's the prototype of I think who, what I want to marry. Oh, you mean really hot?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hot, really hot, notice nothing about your past.

This has always been your, the mix Asian thing is your key. That's your key demo.

I've dated, you've seen, you've met.

I know, it's pretty great. Yeah, yeah, some mixies. Yeah. Yeah. Because full is a lot. It's too much. Well, it's heavy. Yeah. What do you mean? It's heavy. It's heavy. Because if you go meet parents and they're both whites. Yeah. That's a lot of defense you got to play. I, you're like, how you doing? You know, like at least you got a little in, but if it's two whites, that's a lot of danger.

Also there's bullying going on because like, I remember when I was dating Sarah Highland, she was from Louisville, Kentucky.

Our favorite.

And we went one dinner, one dinner, I came to the dinner, family dinner, everyone was wearing kimonos. Well, that's respectful. They were. That's respectful. And then they had a tight Hello Kitty shirt for me. So I put it on, it was really, everyone laughed.

That's cute.

It is cute, right? But it's like, it would have been nice if there was another Asian there.

Oh, you're the only one.

I was the only one, yeah. They should have brought another one in. Just hire one just to be there. her grandmother didn't really like me that much. But I did a little Asian thing. I have Asian techniques for them to like me. I went to the grand piano and I started playing because I knew she was in the living room and then I can see her starting to like me.

You got to bring it, you either do that or do your taekwondo or something. You have to tell them you have Asian skills. I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your abacus out of your car. And. Yeah, yeah. Wait till you see. Yeah. Dude, I was at the wedding last night. I'm my good buddy. What a fun little beautiful wedding.

Can I ask you what skaters were there?

Yes. No, it was, of course there's skaters.

Cause Sean is a Eric Costan story. We know each other. I know of Costan, I've played golf with him a few times.

Oh, you have?

Okay.

Yeah. Why?

You don't like Eric? Long, long time ago, I went to a skate party.

Ruh-roh.

Ruh-roh? What did you do? And I remember walking away from that going, I hate that guy. It's one of the best. But back then, I don't know, maybe it was because I'm a weird guy.

Yeah, you are very weird.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and I come to parties, you know, shifty, you know.

Yeah, a little shifty.

I'm a shifty little guy. But I remember coming out was like, what's that man? Right, very fender. I love your skate style. Yeah, that is crack. Nolly, huh?

Yeah, switch, switch, switch.

Switch, switch, switch. Laser flips, dude, you love them?

Hard flip, dog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So like, I think maybe it was my shifty vibe. But you know, but I always take it personally. You should. And I walk away from them going, I need revenge. Yeah, man, write down what I'm gonna do.

Because you wanna be worshipped.

That's right, praise, worship, that's what the boy needs. What, what?

And that's what he deserves. No, I wanna be treated like, oh, that hurt. Gearing him up. Yeah, you got me geared up, dude.

You're gearing him up, dude.

Yeah, well, I know that's why you wanna go to the Midwest too, less competition with celebrity.

Ooh, he's getting geared up.

I think that too, though.

I know what you're thinking.

Gearing up the bobo.

I'm on Raya, right?

Yup. I believe, which one? Carlos. Oh yeah, you're on there too. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I gotta say, I think Bradley.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just honest.

Yeah, I think Bradley.

Honest guess. Yeah. Honest guess. No, yeah, there was a bunch of cool skaters there.

Yeah.

Just guys that I grew up, you know, and it was an awesome wedding. It was fucking beautiful. Everyone was so rad and nice. Cause you know, like we don't, I don't know, I don't know his family that well.

Yeah.

So it was really nice.

What's the mix of the family?

What do you mean?

What is he?

Oh, interesting.

Filipino?

I don't know. There is a mix. Yeah, a brown. He's not a fully. Yeah, there's a brownie. There's some brown in there. No?

Mm-hmm.

What are you being so mysterious about?

I don't know.

Okay.

Yeah, there's a mix.

There's a mix.

There's a mixed family, yeah. It was rad though, and everyone was super fucking cool to us and very nice, and it was a beautiful wedding venue. And you know what's so funny about skater weddings? Is that you know no matter what you wear, you're good.

Oh.

Because everyone's wearing cool shit. Like there isn't this weird expectation for like anybody to like go out of their way to be like, I gotta make sure. It's like, no, they just want you to look cool, be casual and have a little bit of, have a little bit of-

Let me say something right now. A little bit of fancy. If I have a wedding, dress up. No, no, they did. You know, I'm saying this incorrectly. I understand. I'm not an idiot.

Let me guess. What I'm trying to say is like, the vibe was very like-

No tuxedos, it was like cool clothes.

It was like how Ron Howard dresses. Right? No.

Like when he's dressed, like a suit, skaters they all have great style so it was just like cool like this one dude had a fucking super wild green suit on it looked so sick ah like some dudes had just the dopest gear I was like and and also wearing vans like rocking vans yeah they dress so good they just have good skaters have the best fucking style dude they do they just have like this vibe of like they pull it off it's it looks well to do and then still casual as fuck, but it's still dressy. Like this dude, this dude Cole from Metalwood, he had this just dope ass purple suit on

and I was like this motherfucker, it was so fly.

Like dumb and dumber.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It just looked so fly. I wore a traditional black suit, so I just, that's all I wear to weddings. Yeah.

I only wear black.

You look good. Just black, well, cause look at this, I can't, what color are you gonna? Malto was like, color's your option, what color do you wanna do, dude? You like a bright color? And I was like, it's gonna be black, bud. I can't wear, look at this.

I have to go to Jimmy Al, you know that, it says suits for five foot four or less? On Ventura? now and whenever I'm there they're like yeah Seth Seth Green just came in like all the smaller actors yeah me and Brad Williams just picked up three suits Tom

Cruz yeah yeah yeah see what it's called it's Joe Pesci but you know Elijah Wood Tom Cruise Kevin Hart to brother you're Michael J Fox you are in good

you're in good company all go to that Jimmy I was place Jimmy I was short

what's it called you see what what place is called, cause I love the guy, cause he's always there.

What is it, big and tall? Is it small and short? Jimmy Ow, small and shorts? Dave Franco, a lot of guys that are under 5'8".

No, how about suits, 5'4 or less, Sherman Oaks?

So funny, no tailoring needed yeah, hello. Hello. Hello. Hello

Hello, uncle Louie Are you being real?

Thank you

Wow, you really go to Bob's big one Bob's? Let him sit in that blue chair.

Louis.

Louis. Wow, Louis, this is extravagant.

This is great.

So I kind of fucked up my story because I wanted a cheeseburger.

Yeah. So you brought five of them?

That's it.

Yeah. No, I was looking for, I don't know, like an In-N-Out or something. Yeah. I was kind of in a hurry and I needed, cause I need to eat before a certain hour or I wake up in a cold sweat if I eat too late. So.

Did you eat? So I went into Bob's, I was like, oh, this is like a family burger, like cool, right? So I go in and I said, and I pictured coming here with a bag, paper bag full of burgers. Yeah. And just going, here everybody have some burgers. And I sat down and I ate Bob's Big Burger.

Yeah.

And it was really disgusting. And I got a vanilla shake, but I had a paper straw, so I couldn't drink it.

Yeah.

And then they gave me the burgers in this fucking horrible, I thought I wanted it to be like an old fashioned like cops. Yeah. Is it as bad as mine was?

Yeah, they're bad.

Louis, can I eat it later? Once you leave, can I eat it once you leave?

The whole thing was a mistake. He has three over there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, he will eat those.

I'm on Ozempic.

Oh, that's right, you can't.

I like that being on Ozempic is like being kosher or something. Yeah. It is.

I mean, he did throw up for the first like two weeks he was on it.

It was tough. No, I had to switch from Ozempic to Wegovy.

We're on Wegovy now.

I'm on Wegovy now.

You don't do that shit.

You would never.

Never. Fuck that.

Yeah.

I don't know if it's a terrible, I think you're gonna die from that. You really do? No, I don't, of course not. I'm not an asshole. No, I don't like, I get nervous about things like that going and you know, that change how you feel or that change you neurologically.

Oh, neurologically.

And also I like the fight I'm in with weight and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it. It's something to lean against, you know. I think you lost weight, no? Oh, oh, thanks.

Dude, he was doing, you know, he was setting us up. That's all he wanted us to say.

That's right.

You look so slender.

Me?

Well, I've been working out and eating more.

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you do, when you separate, eating less, you're really hurting yourself. So I'm just going like I'm more exercise. So let's lay it on.

What's the one exercise that you actually enjoy? Cause none of them are that enjoyable.

I kind of like the way it all feels. You do?

Yeah. Fuck, I don't know. I can't get through it lately. I guess maybe it's also the depression exercise is like I'm doing it because I know I need to do it. Oh yeah, no, yeah. Not because I want to do it. How old are you?

42.

Yeah, I mean, it just starts changing. I'm 58, it starts changing. Yeah?

Yeah.

What happens? I start feeling different. I mean, you just sort of like get philosophical about it. And you go like, I like the way it feels when my body heats up, or whatever, I'm the stair master. And if I don't wanna do it, I just don't do it. I never do it if I don't want to.

See, I do that all the time.

And I'm starting to eat whatever I want. Like, what do you mean? Doesn't matter. Just eat it. Because somebody is explaining this to me that if you prohibit, you're in this constant tension

that you then have to binge to release. But if you just go like, whatever I want, I'm gonna eat it when I want it. What happens is your body goes like, that fucking hurt, that actually hurt, that was not a good idea. And then that memory makes you go,

oh yeah, I don't want that this time. I want less things than I used to, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Do you get hunger pains at night?

No.

You don't. Wait, he's still thinking about the old world.

What I'm saying is, is that late at night, sometimes I'm like, get a sandwich.

No.

Well, here's the difference. You're not explaining. He stays up all night, so he'll be up at 45 and it's now been seven hours.

It's important to me to go to sleep and stay asleep. So if I eat too close to bedtime, I wake up in the like 3 in the morning and it's wet oh I bodies trying to digest it do you think it's a white thing excuse me for saying well white versus you you mean white in a way that you're not I think our bodies are different that's all and they are that's true yeah yeah we move but you stay up all night yeah I do but because I you know I am night. Yeah, I do. But because I, you know, I'm a- Asian thing or- I think it's an Asian thing.

Are you Korean?

Whoa.

I don't know anything about you.

That's a good guess.

Thank you.

Yeah, because when white people guess, they never get it right.

You could be Chinese.

Yeah. Could I be?

I almost said you could have Chinese.

Yeah. Yeah, you'd have China, but that was a really good guess.

Korean.

Yeah, it's like four.

I mean, what's the other side?

There's pie Cambodia.

No, I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was really good. You have a gong. So it's fair to talk about this. Yeah, right.

You have a gong.

You have a fortune cat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're fortune cat. Yeah. Yeah. His father made this before he died. That's why we this is an homage to his father. Really? Yeah, no, but but did you make it as a weapon or? Yeah, we think about it every time we when we this is when we remind Yeah, he feels his father. Stop doing that. It's fucking weird. You wanted a good burger. You should have taxed us We would have told you where to go. Yeah, that's not that's not where I really regret it. Yeah, that sucks. There's so many good burgers too.

You single right now, Louis?

No. Oh, you're seeing somebody? Yeah, I'm with somebody very much.

Oh, very good.

Very in love with somebody.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, somebody I wanna be with.

Wow.

He's looking for love.

No, what I'm saying is that I was curious does has do it does Louie ever date Asians?

Have you ever dated an Asian in your life? Yes. Oh good

Dated a Korean woman for a little while. Yeah

And what did you what was that experience? Cuz I've been dating a Korean woman for six years now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah

So you are Korean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's why I said you got it, right? Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. So you are Korean. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's why I said you got it right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I thought he, yeah.

Yeah, very good. Yeah, yeah.

Well, one thing, because she told me, the woman I dated told me, I asked her, what's your last name? And she was like, I mean, guess, you're going to get it in two guesses. All right. Cause it's like Lee or Park. It's true. Like it's only one of those. There's some chose. Chose.

There's some chose.

Yeah. He's envious of a couple chose.

That's why.

But what was it like? So she was, I really liked her very much. She was cool. And she was, she had an interesting, she was a different, And she talked about being Korean without my asking her, you know, it was part of her. She said that it was, there wasn't many, also she was Korean of my generation.

There was nobody, she was like in a desert of Koreans and her, raised in New Jersey. And she said that she had like two friends and they are still very close because they felt very isolated. There just wasn't many people from their culture.

But she told me interesting things like that when Korean people say, hello, they say, what have you eaten? Or they say, have you eaten? That's their how you doing.

What is that?

Your mom says that when we see her?

Baegopa.

Baegopa.

Baegopa.

Are you hungry? Are you hungry?

Yeah, yeah. Are you hungry? Yeah. His mom does. And then Pablo is I'm hungry. I'm full. I'm full. Yeah. And I know go to which is penis. Okay. Don't come up with his butthole. Yeah. Jut which is tit, bogey, pussy. That's all I know. Plural for tit. You can only say. Yeah. Bogey is maybe. Yeah. Bogey, bogey. Yeah. That's like titty titty. Yeah, yeah. And then here's another thing I learned. Juk-juk.

No.

Yeah, no, let me finish.

What?

Go, go, go.

You know what juk-juk is?

Yeah, isn't that jizz?

No, no, juk-juk isn't jizz.

Trying to start a Korean car. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Chook, chook, chook, chook, chook. No, jook, jook is slang for sex.

Chook, chook.

So I asked a Korean guy, I go, I've never, like, why jook, jook? He goes, that's what sex sound like.

Chook, chook.

Like, chook, chook.

Lots of pussy farts in Korea. a lot over there, you know what I mean? But yeah. They are. Yeah, I've never heard juk-juk when I'm having sex. No.

Well, I'll-

I always hear a Korean guy in the room going, juk-juk.

Sitting in the cock chair.

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Yeah. So you're in love for I love that. Yes. That's great. Yeah. She's great. She's awesome. Yeah.

Is there a limerence involved?

No, I don't think so. Oh, I mean, both of us are single.

Yeah. Yeah.

But is there one person more like, you know what I mean? Obsessed with the other person?

No, I think we feel pretty equal. And it's nice. I heard somebody talking once about, I don't wanna be the kind of guy who picks girls up at the airport. I heard that said as a bad thing, picking them up at the airport.

And I've picked her up at the airport.

You like her.

How did that?

That one time I was coming home and she goes, hey, I could pick you up at the airport. I'm like, you don't have to. And she said, can I please pick you up at the airport? And I was like, good, we're equal, we're a match.

It depends on what airport to be honest. I mean, that is a big piece of it.

What?

It depends on the airport. I mean like- Oh, for sure. My wife has never, never. and want her to, because I'm pissed off when I get to the airport. She's gonna show up annoyed. It's like, I'd rather you just be chill at home.

Yeah.

Yeah, because I, yeah.

I don't like it when they don't do the full thing.

What do you mean?

Words. Let me finish.

All right.

Let me finish.

He speaks in limericks.

So yeah.

Yeah. finish okay all right Kalila my ex-girlfriend she goes I'll pick you up from the airport right but when I would land she wouldn't be there and she's like I'm stuck in traffic no go you're right be at when the escalators go down where the baggage claim is you want to be there with a sign all right and then sometimes it's like come to the parking lot because I'm not gonna go in you just have to find my car you know fuck you you. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You come to me.

You come to me.

Yeah.

I think it's fair.

Thank you.

Yeah, I mean, well.

It's not a full endorsement.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm just being polite.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't expect, I just, it's just, when you get that far. But that's why whenever she used to do it when we were younger and broke, she was like, you know, you can get a fucking cab. Yeah. Like you make money out when you're young.

Yeah, but you're married.

Yeah, but I'm saying before we were married, we were dating, she was like, get a fucking cab.

I'm sick of hearing it.

How long have you been married for? Almost 10. Fantastic. No kids, can't have kids. No. She's got a penis. No. Okay. I don't know. No, she doesn't. Yeah. No, no, she doesn't.

Is it worth it? What? Having children. You have some.

I have two.

Yeah, that's two. That's some.

That is some. I think some is three or more.

Do you really?

A couple is two, some is three.

Is some three?

I think some, it's like a series is three or more.

It's crazy to teach an Asian math. That's like the wildest shit. Couple is two, some is three.

It's more cultural, social math.

Yeah.

He's bad at all of them.

Sure.

Okay, so that you have a couple.

What? It's worth it. I think anybody who's on the fence about it should just do it.

Really?

It's never a mistake. It's impossible for it to be a mistake.

Okay.

As a person.

Yeah.

For whatever happens.

Wow.

Well, your kids are grown, like grown, grown, right?

20 and 23.

Wow.

Wow. Wow. Out of college, or college, any of them? College, yeah. Yeah.

That's fucking great.

Because I remember your first HBO special, the half hour, I think that was your first, right? On HBO or no?

I did one back in the 90s that was just goofy jokes, but the one I did that was a half hour was all about-

You talked about your kids and stuff. Yeah, that was a great special. Thanks. Amazing. Thank you. You know, I met you. I don't, you don't remember when I met you. I think I brought it up the last time I saw you is on Mad TV with Lauren Browsky.

I remember.

You don't remember meeting me.

I do because my friend Dino wrote for you guys.

Oh yeah, Dino.

And I was on the lot doing something else. I don't really, we didn't like hang out.

Hang out, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you write for Cedric's show?

I did. You did? Cedric the Entertainer Presents.

Pretty great moment.

You wrote on that show?

I was a writer and co-executive producer, yeah. Cedric? Yeah. I mean, Cedric was like Jackie Gleason. He was like a great performer. He's fascinating.

He's so fascinating.

Yeah. He really, like, and now, cause now he's on like a traditional sitcom and it's massively popular, right? Yes. Neighbor, The Neighbor?

Something like that, yeah, I'd never seen it. That's still there? That's still going on? Those network shows, they'll just, they keep riding. He was one of the most natural performers I ever worked with. The guy could make anything funny.

Fucking eight seasons.

Wow. We had this bit that I wrote called Texas versus Maine. And it was some like local access cable show in Texas that he's, and he's a Texan. And it's about how much better Texas is than Maine. And he hates Maine.

And he does this kind of like, brr, brr, brr, kind of like, what's his name? The cartoon character with the cowboy hat.

I know, I can't think of his fucking name.

Yeah, yeah.

Yosemite Sam?

Yosemite Sam.

Yosemite Sam, he did sort of an impression of him and I used to love watching him do it he was he was really something yeah a good guy to like really good guy yeah you know you haven't talked to him in years oh I haven't no you haven't it's been a few years well cuz you're talking about him in past tense like he died like he died yeah yeah yeah so no we just do we didn't we didn't stay friends I mean not not, but I'm always happy when I do see him. I said,

yeah. Hey, do you hug him or no? Because that tells me a lot. I don't think you're a hugger. We hug. You do? Yeah. Okay, good. I mean, when I saw you, they don't tell you she gave

me a side hug. That was very fruitful. Yeah. I'll tell you the best thing that warmed my heart, you said to me, this was great. This is probably the best piece of advice I've gotten from someone. We were at the cellar and we were in the fat black lounge. And you were in the hallway and you were like, that was really good. When I got off stage, I said, oh, thank you, man.

And you go, that's family stuff, that's great. And I go, that other stuff, get rid of that. And I was like, okay. And you go, the family said that was good. And I go, right, right. And you go, but the other stuff.

No, he didn't.

Yes, he did.

Yes, he did. Yeah, he did.

You did?

In a jokey way.

No, I meant.

No.

It was fucking great.

Oh, you did. like I had never seen him. I've seen clips of you guys together and stuff. Yeah. And so I was just watching him and he was doing this stuff about his family and he was doing a really smart bit about if you, about how you can, about resentment towards his parents and that later when they become weaker,

you start controlling their lives, you can get revenge on them. And it sounded really like the feelings felt real.

Yeah.

And that was really engaging. And then he talked about if you really want to get back at people that age, give them Bluetooth for presents, like Bluetooth items.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was a great bit. And then he started doing some about Trump and those issues that, you know, and I was like, I just felt, I just went away. And that's how I feel about most people.

Yeah, yeah.

He's as good, I think I said to you, you're as good as anybody while you're talking about your family.

Yeah.

You're as good as anyone, like really great. And then the other thing is you sound like everyone.

Right.

You sound just like everyone else. Because this thing, my take on that, everyone's trapped in like four issues for like since 2016. Trump, trans, blah, da, da, da, it's just the same fucking stuff. And here's my take on the woke this, it's just so boring. And everyone takes a shot on Twitter

and on the podcasts, we all do it. So on stage, it's like, why? You can fashion a great, you know, no one has your family, no one has your voice. You know, it's totally interesting to watch somebody you can tell where they're, you know,

where they're coming from ethnically, where they're coming from in where they are and their kind of family they had.

That's, I'll kind of family they had.

I'll listen to that all day.

Yeah.

Can I ask you?

It was awesome, I loved it.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, you don't have to ask first.

No.

I'm on your show.

I know, but can I ask you one?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay. So, no, this is the way because I want to be real for a second sure. Okay, so um I've always been obsessed about killing. Uh-huh. So I'm not as prolific Okay, right. Yeah, I understand that. Yeah, and I haven't changed my I mean right now I'm doing a special for Hulu So I'm trying to come up with new stuff. But my point is is that I'm so afraid of not killing

that I've been, I'm in a fucking rut. I totally get it. Because of that fear, you know what I mean? And it's like, I know that there's more that I can do. I know that there's more that I can say, and I just don't do it because I hate bombing.

You know what I mean? And it's like, I just know that I'm not growing. And I know that, you know what I mean? You're so, you're very prolific.

If I can say that.

Yes, I am.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you're one of those comics that like, if you're performing, like all the comics will run into the room to watch you. When I perform, they fucking leave. It's a your audience. Okay.

You're not doing this for them.

Yeah, who am I doing it for?

They're competition and they're colleagues. They're just people that also do what you do.

Okay.

That's nothing to do with them.

Yeah.

How do I get over this rut, though? very important thing and it's a very vulnerable place to be. You know exactly what you have to do. Your problem is, your solution's right in front of you.

What is it?

It's just, you gotta get over it. No, in other words, you're, I mean, what I'm saying is you're way ahead of the game because a lot of people don't understand what their problem is.

Yeah, I totally understand.

And that is the basic problem for most comedians because they're afraid of that feeling. I'm not killing. I was raised to kill as a comic. I started in Boston and in Boston it was like, you might get hurt if you don't kill because the room might get really nasty.

Right. And someone might throw shit at you. They might wait for you outside. Like there's a feeling in Boston of like, there's the bad version of this is fucking bad. And also there was this kind of like

this biting spirit there. So I liked it. I was 18 when I started. So I was killing, killing, killing. It took me a long time to realize that this is, I still try to untrain myself.

There's bits where I'm like, that crushes, but it's not making me better, I gotta stop doing it. So it's not only not wanting to bomb, it's also like backing away from the obvious sometimes and just going like, yeah, that bit annihilates, but what are we doing?

You know better, yeah.

Yeah, it's not, there's no quality to it. There's nothing, it's not taking me anywhere new. I mean, the thing is, the problem with comedians is they take everything very personally. And it's a scientific thing, kind of, comedy, and it's an art.

So you should think of the, like, privilege the work. What matters is this bit, right? Like, I was watching this kid in New York and he was doing bits about the election, the last one. And it had been over for a while. And the bits were strong,

but people weren't really into it. And he made some comment on stage like, oh, I guess you guys don't like my politics or something. And I pulled him aside afterwards and I said, it's because it's an old topic. No one wants to hear about it.

Old elections.

And he said,

I know,

but this bits were killing and I don't want to let him go.

Yeah.

And what I said to him was, cause he was very young guy. So I said, if you took the two minutes of political material and instead you stood there and did nothing. You'd grow more as a comic. It'd be better for you as a comedian.

I think every comedian should try to put, especially in these workout sets in the clubs, at some point have like an alarm go off or some way that you go, I'm gonna do 90 seconds, I got no act. Just 90 seconds of just try to see what happens.

If you don't keep coming and coming and coming with it. It's that panic moment of like, I got to kill right now. If you can just get past it, it's like the sound barrier, you know, that big explosion. On the other side of the sound barrier is like, there's a calm, you go like, ooh, I got power now, I'm not killing.

They're looking at me, this is weird.

Yeah.

I'm still here, I'm alive. I can do a bunch of things I couldn't do on the other side of this.

Yeah.

You could only do one thing when you need it to be kill, kill, kill. But if you get past that, you have like this bunch of other options that you're like, wow, I could do this. They're looking at, the room comes alive when you stop getting laughs.

It does? People, yeah, people start going, what is going on? There's no, because it's a ha ha ha, puts you to sleep.

Yeah.

Ha ha ha, ha ha ha, they, ha ha. You could always do one joke where you go, and then I flapped the jet black laps, ha ha ha. It like where you literally make no sense and you'll get. That's why a lot of comics have like 15 tags and they're getting jokes just because the motor's in motion. They're not funny.

Yeah.

But you just get, you know what I mean? I mean, it's, I have- You just have to, you're 54, what are you waiting for? It's time.

It's time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's never too late.

Okay.

You need to start going on stage and having bad sets.

Yeah. You have to.

You have to, yeah.

You have to. That's it, that's it.

You won't grow. No, you have to. No, no, no, you have to. I do it all the time. Every time I go out to start writing a show, I struggle mightily for months.

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And in nowhere in time on set, you're like, I've lost the room and I have to do a joke that I know it's proven or no, you stay in the-

Try not to do that. I do, I'm weak when I do that, but I try to stay in it and just go like, like when I'm developing a new hour, I go to the cellar, I go in, I haven't been in for a while, I do five minutes, maybe just a few jokes I have,

and then I get off. And the next time I do 10, when I get to about 20, then it starts filling in and it starts getting strong. When I have a strong 20, I put it away, I'm like, you can't do these jokes anymore. And I go back in with nothing.

And I start with another zero hard. What's so funny?

And then you get...

That brave hard joke.

Well, I'm going to do it...

Okay.

1996.

So I don't do it on the special.

He's got a brave hard joke.

Yeah. It's funny. He's got a brave heart, Joe. Yeah.

It's funny.

It's fresh. Listen, my last special, or one of the last ones I did a special, a joke about good will hunting,

and it was a 20 year old.

I love it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you did a whole thing about the Bible. That's fucking old.

The Bible's been never done a special.

Right.

Right. So I have to do the things I've amassed.

No, you don't.

For my special, it's in two months.

Okay, well. I know. But for the next, you know, main thing- Yes, look, do the special and clean house. I'm cleaning house. And then start over.

I'm never gonna do those jokes again.

That's great.

Right?

Yeah.

I love that. He's gonna clean house the way a hoarder does, where they're like, don't really, don't really get rid of that.

Really?

Yeah.

Put that right there and then. I'm keeping the other three Kermit's unboxed. I'm gonna tell you why I'm doing it. Sure.

Because when I perform, I don't feel good. I feel pain.

Yeah, man.

Every fucking set. I get it.

I've been there.

Yeah, I feel pain. I feel disgusted. When I drive home, I don't feel good.

You totally get what's going on.

I know, there's something going on. Yes. And it's like when I was younger and I was like bombing and I was like trying new things and going, what's my voice and all that kind of stuff. It was in retrospect, I mean, back then you were struggling, there was no money and getting stage time and all the fucking shit that you have to go through.

But still in terms of performing, it felt new. It felt fresh.

Jokes that kill are traps, they are prisons.

Yeah.

And they keep you from, I mean, you're stuck in these bits, it's horrible. Yeah. I had the same opening joke for like 10 years or more. And every time I said it, it felt like I was pissing out of my own mouth.

I hated it, I hated it so much.

Can you tell me what is the joke?

Yeah, and it's actually about piss.

I hate saying it.

Please do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, oh God, it's so horrible. I mean, it is what it is. It's a joke, but I live in New York. It was like, New, that's mine, don't piss on it. Yeah, I love that.

That's a great joke.

I like, yeah, I've heard you.

It's a fine joke, but do it for 10 years every night. Like it's not.

You felt, he's autistic, sorry about that. He'll move furniture the whole show.

It's just kind of what he does. When you try new stuff, do you have a button or is it sometimes like just a premise?

Yeah, usually it's a premise. Like I come up with, I'll be, you know, walking around and I'll have a thought or in a conversation where I'm like, that's, I know that area is a bit.

Right.

And I'll write down the premise, just the word, like two words of what it is. And then I wait, I try not to think about it too much till I get on stage. And then I go on stage the next time and I explain it to the first audience

and that's how I write it usually. And then it gets refined over time. Once in a while bits come to me full, like, well, I don't know where that came from, but just like a joke, like I'll come up with a, I'll think of a sentence and then I'll think of a joke because I do still like jokes, you know? So I jokes, I just, they come, they pop in.

Uh, but bits where you're talking about something, that's, that's the way I do. That was, you just, you know, there's an area that is something there and you wait. Because they're listening, there's no better, they're the instrument. So when you're working in the dark, it's like being a composer, they like to have a piano. They like to hear it, you know,

not just sit there and go this, and have it all in their head. When you have an audience, that's your instrument. So they're sitting there waiting and that makes you, that brings it out of you. Like, and it makes you come up with it funny because that's what you do.

Pitch Louis some bits. You got some, he's got some new shit.

Pitch him some.

No, I'm not, no.

Pitch him some bits, man.

I'm not doing it now.

Yeah, do it.

No, no, no, I'm not bit that I'm trying to get to work. Look at Louie when you do it. Don't look at me.

Yeah, I wanna look at you too. I wanna look at you.

I wanna look at you right now. Sorry, it's for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's good for you.

Yeah. So I have a bit about like, my dad used to kill wolf. Right, I go, there are wolves in Korea? So many wolf, you mean, everywhere wolf. One time wolf attack, I break a leg, right? I take a stick, pop, pop, in the face.

Right, then a couple days later, my friend John brought his corgi over to my house, and my dad goes, how old is your wolf? I'm like, you used to kill dogs? But you know, it's not-

It's a great bit.

Yeah.

What's wrong with you? It doesn't get a huge laugh on stage. It gets kind of a giggle.

It's a great bit.

Key, you got to do that bit.

See?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See?

It's a great bit.

Yeah. Give him another one. No, I don't want to give him another one. No joke. You got to keep doing it. Yeah. All of every bit I have. I give up. That destroys. Yeah. Started either weak or like pissing people off. But I just keep doing it. And it's like, it's like walking to a firing squad and saying, shoot me. It's hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go, and they go, uh-huh, but all these bits are really, there's still a few in my set now, even though I'm doing theaters, that I'm like, I still know I'm not getting what I should be getting with that one.

It still feels weak, but I still believe in it, so I'm still, and over. Over and over. Are you doing the bit about the,

how we can mount and dismount an entire race in one?

I don't remember. I remember those words.

Oh, I love that.

I don't remember what the- The way you said that, that stuck out.

Mount and dismount. Says like, oh that, yeah, no, I don't do it anymore. Why dude? Yeah, I had a whole bunch of stuff about the way people talk in the news and I had some about Trump and all this stuff and that stuff I just decided I didn't want. And I'll tell you, this may help you.

Okay, okay.

I was doing that bit.

It's great.

So I was doing, you can have it.

You can have it, you can have it. So I was doing, when I went back on the road, I took a year and a half off of comedy. I was gonna quit, like I decided I didn't wanna do it anymore. And so it was a really great break because I wasn't like just taking time off.

I was like, I'm done. But then I started coming up with ideas, jokes. So, you know, I just got full, I wanted to do them and then I was like, let's just get back to it. But when I first started going out with this new set, it had these weird bits that are kind of strange. And then this killer chunk about the news and all that stuff.

And I was like, where do I put that? Where does it hurts these other bits? How do they, you know? And then I was in Omaha doing a bunch of shows at the Funny Bone. And one night i was like what if tonight you don't do you don't do those bits at all just take them out and i took them out and everything else in the show kind of rose up cohesion to it and it just got better. Like your your bit is competing with these other bits like it can't follow Braveheart or whatever you're killing.

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

So once you're done with this special, that bit should be like your.

No, I'm doing that bit on the, in the special.

Okay.

It's a new bit.

I mean, these bits will do better. The new ideas. Oh, I see what you're saying. When they have a little feeling. But those also the bit about the news, Brian Regan did a bit kind of like it. No, not like that. Your

your his spin was the way people talk in the news then versus now. And you were saying

the way that you'll have an anchor. No, but he did. He did a thing about people saying there is a there was a fire today in Nicaragua.

Oh, Nicaragua, oh, that's right.

Right, right, right, right, right, right.

So I was doing that.

It was kind of near it.

It was near enough.

The phrasing was great. The phrase stuck out of my brain when you go, how did you mount and dismount an entire race in one word?

And with one word of your life. I love that. Yeah, it was fun to do. I like that. And then I did a thing about homeless versus unhoused. The unhoused. But I just don't want to, I don't, I'm tired of having clever takes on what's going on in the world.

Oh, fuck. I'm tired. Fuck, my whole act is fucked. I have a whole homeless bit.

That's just me. I have five minutes of homeless.

That's just me. Oh my God. His special is literally called clever take on what's going on.

I don't know.

I'm just gonna put the greatest hits out. And then the next time I'm gonna grow

and it's gonna be.

What about you?

Where are you at?

I just put out a fucking special on Hulu, which, you know, which was, it was a good time for me to put out a special because it was, Charlie Kirk got shot, anniversary of 9-11, and then they took Jimmy Kimmel off the air and I was like, put out a special, baby.

Drop it here.

Drop it right there.

Drop it right there.

It's fucking insane. And Hulu, he's doing it with Hulu too.

Your first one?

That's my, Hulu, that's number one. I did one previous, well no, I did technically, that's, I did a- You've done two on Netflix. No, Showtime, then Netflix. Netflix was the first like real, real special,

but they took- Does Hulu have it forever, or do you get it back?

No, you get it back. Like Netflix too, they took mine down after it was like a licensed, so- Yeah.

I might just put it up on YouTube. this is a body of work you're compiling over time. Yeah, so I- So it's got a life on Hulu right now, but I did a special called Hilarious, and it was on epics.

Yeah.

Great company, great company.

Who cares?

Who gives a shit?

It doesn't matter.

No, I know, it doesn't, it's all-

All of the, back when I used to, before I started selling them myself, Myself, I used to just find who wants this one and it would be like Showtime or one was Epics, one was this, it just doesn't matter. No. They're all, you're compiling a library.

But now you'll sell them yourself forever. You're never gonna go to a thing again. You'll just do just you now, right?

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I kind of like to be on a platform new eyeballs on the work maybe but I don't know we'll see also plug the book yeah oh yeah do you have a copy of the book no dude this is so funny you would

never read I have a library oh you want to just in the yeah I have everyone's

thing I have a copy they should have sent you one yeah Bobby has a copy yeah

well you know honestly where's my copy I don't I literally don't know how I did it to you yeah he did hand it to you. Where is it? It's over here somewhere. It's gotta be over here somewhere.

Yeah, it's in this pile of books.

Yeah, I have a pile of books over here.

Thank you.

I'm gonna read it, I'm gonna read it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but I mean, you should show it to people, right?

Or something? I didn't write that. At the Catholic Bible. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know where it is, dude. Bring it up on the fucking, bring it up there. Yeah, bring it up on the fucking thing, you know?

That's probably.

Wait, my favorite thing is him getting mad. It's your book, he gave it to you.

I fucking don't remember it.

There it is. There it is, baby.

Ingram. Ingram from Chris Rock's book. What is it about Ingram? It's about a little boy who's kicked out of his house when he was like nine and he's just walking around Texas. And he's alone and he's, and life gets really hard for him.

Like Chauncey Gardner from being there.

Yeah, but he's like much younger.

Okay. Yeah. But Chauncey Gardner, the character was young because he had no influence except for television. So he was kind of a child.

Sure.

Yeah.

Well, that's not what this book's about.

I know, but what I'm saying is that it's not, it's not that's, you know, me different.

Sure.

If you want.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's about a guy named Chauncey Gardner.

Yeah.

If that's what you want. It's a little boy like kind of like Paris, Texas. He's kind of wandering Yeah, yeah, but I don't know Paris. Hey. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Why are you doing that? I don't know

Just let him have the book. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you trying to shoehorn some other fucking story and do it

I mean, it's fine. It drives me nuts. Yeah, I was trying. If I, now, audio book, is there an audio book? Yeah. And are you doing the narration?

I read it, yeah.

Oh, that's great, I'll listen.

I find it very odd when people don't read it. Yeah, that's weird. That wrote it. You wrote it, you read it. Well, I'm a performer,. Yeah, but I mean, I think a lot of times we find, right, that like, look at Stephen King.

Like, you know how bad Stephen King got off doing his reading? Do you know what I mean? I think some of these guys, they love to write, but they're also like, you wanna hear me talk about it?

Well, it's weird when you read it because you're faced with what you wrote. Yeah. And you have to read it with all the, you can't go like. I kind of wanted to do a version, like a whole version where I read it like that, or like, or read it and like,

oh, like this or something like a whole, the whole book in falsetto or something.

Yeah.

Just walking around the fucking farm.

Yeah, he's walking around the farm. But anyway, yeah. But do you read it in paragraphs?

And then you go cut, you cut it there and go.

You go as far as you can go in one piece and then you keep, and also somebody's there to keep stopping you because you fuck up a lot. All right. So you have somebody going, you got that wrong.

It's tedious. Like when we did the movie, He did an animated movie. Where you give me notes. Where you give me notes. I give him notes. I do give him notes live. Every line, he goes, that's not how you say it.

Well, cause-

And I'm like, what? He's like, well, and then you give me scenarios. Imagine this and this, and I go, okay, I get it.

Well, try to have him say focaccia. It's fucking- these two little creatures, but we're bouncing a lot. Like we do on the show, we're bouncing. You know, it's like bouncing conversation. And sometimes he'll be-

Am I the worst? No, no, no. To be honest, am I the worst?

Shut up. No, but he's so good. But sometimes he'll be not in our conversation. Yeah. He's reading the characters, you do come back and you kill it. Am I wrong? No, thank you. Then we had to go do extra and I left because I went separate and he goes,

how long did it take? And I go, dude, it's 40 minutes, you're in and out. He called me, he's like, took me two fucking hours. I was like, because I was gone.

But do you read it before? Because I haven't read it, so I'm showing up and I'm like- I do not read it before. Oh, so you're good. No, it's just, I just, no, we just work differently.

Yeah, that's like a neurological difference.

Yeah, it is. I just, we just, I just, yes, yes, it is. I just see things like that. Okay, with lines, with lines, do you have like a memory, like can you memorize lines real fast?

No, it takes me days. Right, I can see it and do it right. I have this weird trick. I don't know why. I'm so lucky, but I've been someone that can just

eat it and throw, I can throw it right back out.

Wow. You know who they said used to do that? That was that Charlie Sheen. I don't know if you saw that documentary. We've talked about it because we love it. They used to say, look at it and go, I'm gonna sum it up.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, yeah. And get an entire two-page scene.

Incredible.

And not even, it's just his brain had that digestion and regurgitation.

I used to just need like two rehearsals to know it. Two and then you got it. Yeah, because'm just not, it's not getting in. Right. But if I wreck through it and kind of do this two takes, then I know it, because I lived the scene.

Right.

So you don't memorize it in the night before?

That never did me any good. Me neither. It only stressed me out. Me too.

It didn't do me any good. I was always bad at that.

If I could do it in pieces. So it's like when you're filming stuff, you only have to worry about this one scene and you do it a bunch of times from all these different angles. And then you throw it away, it's gone.

So you only have to worry about one thing at a time

when you're filming stuff. that to this day I watch all the time, like over and over and over. Okay, is it the art room scene? Yeah, yeah.

That's my favorite scene.

It's my favorite scene in the whole world.

With you and Pam Adlon in the, press a button. It says press.

It's my favorite scene, dude.

I love that.

Just be, here's, and let me, dude, and let me ask you,

let me ask you something, nerded out on those scenes. I'll rewind a scene like- It's Jay, it's Jay, Big Jay Oakerson's voice. If that's what you're gonna-

It is?

It is? Big Jay Oakerson, yeah. Hope I'm not getting him in trouble.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, I've asked him to do it. I said, I wrote him and I said, can you please say this word, five times into your phone and text it to me and I'll send you a check for a SAG check.

That's so great.

He said, sure. And he did it and it's in there.

On the first take, Pam turns her shoulder and walks away.

Yeah, she's just like, yeah.

But is it, did she, is an organic laugh that you can hear in the audio. I don't think, like she laughs as she walks away, but I don't think she meant to laugh.

She doesn't really laugh. She kind of goes like, oh, like.

She goes, okay. I hear her say, okay. Did you surprise, was it a surprise when she first heard it or you guys had already?

No, we knew what it was.

God, it would have been so funny if It was a surprise. I wanted it so bad to be like, cause we, cause like there's a scene, there's a scene that I've nerded out like this about that I'll loop is in baskets. Yeah. And I know you could tell he knows the scene cause I've watched it a hundred fucking times,

but Louis is drinking a Gatorade.

Yes.

Your scene, that scene, exact same comedy feeling in my soul where I go, this is so fun and they knew it was fun.

Oh, dude.

So I remember that day really well because, so when we set up Zach's show, we had this meeting, me and him, and I don't remember who else was there, but I started asking him about, we were just trying to decide what the show's about

and like, it was just Zach, a show for Zach. And I was working him about, we were just trying to decide what the show's about. And like, it was just Zach, a show for Zach. And I was working at FX, I had a show that was successful and I said, I wanna make a different, another show. So they're like, all right. And I went to Zach first

cause nobody ever made me laugh that hard as Zach did. So anyway, when we sat and talked about what his show would be about, we had already made a deal, he's gonna have a show. I was like, well, what if he have family in it? So we're talking about it, I said, what about your mother, if you had a mother? And he goes, yeah, maybe.

And I go, what's your mother really like in real life? And he goes, she's always like, ah, Zach, what are you doing? And I just said, your mother's Louis. And we all laughed. And then there was this pause. And I said, what if we get Louis Anderson to play your mother?

And he's like, why does that sound like such a good idea? It just was immediately like, what a crazy idea. That's how it came about, because I was making a flip joke. And then I was like, I enjoyed this part of the work. I was like, I just got on the phone and said, get Louie Anderson on the phone. I don't know him that way. We've met in person a bunch of times.

I always liked him, but I didn't have a relationship with him. But I just said, get me Louie Anderson on the phone. And a few minutes later, I get this call from Louie in his car and he goes, hi, Yeah. So I'm making a show for FX and Zach Kalifianakis is the star of the show. We're doing a pilot. Okay. And I go, we have a part in it. It's a substantial part for you. The thing is, we want you to play Zach's mother. And I just hear the sound inside the car. And he goes, I love it. Wow. And it felt like this, we didn't know what he would do. We gave him the job.

There was no nothing written and there was no, it was just that day we gave him the job. Wow. We made a deal, right? It was like, no, we're doing that. So I didn't know how it was gonna work out.

And I didn't know what Zach, so Zach hired John Chrysler, Chryster?

Yeah, Chrysler, Chryster? Yeah, Chrysler. What's wrong with me?

Please look it up, director.

Jonathan Chrysler, Chrysler.

Yeah.

Chrysler.

Chrysler, I don't know if I can say it.

Jonathan Chrysler had done this show, Portlandia, which is one of my favorite things ever.

It's awesome.

Yeah, and he just had this way of setting up, setting this scene for two characters. He knew how to shoot it, how to get, how to shoot it well and how to just make it happen. So these guys just, I went after this one meeting where we talked about everything, I kind of went away and let them make the show. And then I showed up that day

and there's Louis Anderson in a dress. And I'm like, we're really doing this, huh? Wow. And I'm like, I don't know what is the character? What are you guys doing? And I sat and watched them shoot that scene, which just happened. There was nothing to it. They had something to argue about that he doesn't respect he's being a clown.

Right. And Martha, that was like an introduction for Martha.

And then there was this obsession with this Gatorade. And when that moment happened, I remembered, I had just arrived a few minutes before with the Gatorade and that hits the spot. I was like, what do we do?

This is incredible.

This is incredible. And Louis, and I got to really love Louis. We got to know each other much better. And then he won a fucking Emmy and it was such a glorious thing that Louis, because I loved him when I was a young comic

and he's such a sweet and good guy. He struggled with his health. It was really sad when he passed away. But yeah, it was one of the happiest moments of my career was him winning an Emmy. That was such a beautiful thing

because of the way he did it. That character was fantastic throughout the season. Two seasons, great, fucking great.

I did a show on FX called Dave with Little Dicky. And when I was on the show, I was in love with Baskets so much. And I was like, hey, I don't wanna get paid. Can I just do anything in the thing? I just was like, I'll do an anything, anything, any.

And they were like, dude, you gotta stop asking. Because I kept asking my agent, I was like, just tell him I'll fucking. They were like, they don't want.

Does that work if talent asks?

No, but they said they don't, they were like,

they're not worth it.

Unusual. I was like, I don't even want lines. I just want to be in like a background, the Burger King. I really wanted to be at the Burger King. And I was like, just let me be in the thing. And they're like, they don't want like an actor or comic. They were like, they're not looking for that. You're not, you're in the wrong.

I was like, nah, I just try to track projects. Like when the Crazy Rich Asians were happening, like we're tracking this for you, we're putting your name in the past, you know. And it's like, I couldn't even get an audition at the end of the day.

None of that works. No, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think it's good if you're trying to be an actor, you go in for a lot of stuff because they remember you. You go, you just do of the best version of you at the audition and then you just are memorable.

It doesn't matter getting that part. You know, like if you read something, you're like, that's not my kind of guy and you try to be it. You're going to suck. So you just do a weird, your version of it.

Right.

And they'll go, uh, that guy was good. He's not, he can't do this, but that guy, and they'll remember. I mean, I've cast a lot of things in my past with people that I've seen in other stuff that I've seen in stuff that I had them cast, you know, come in for.

So go in for everything.

Go in for everything and do any part you get.

I say no so much.

Because that's where get you work, no. No, they're terrible people. Worthless. I mean, they just, they are what they are.

They're terrible people.

They're terrible people.

Absolutely worthless people. Some of the worst ever. They give some of the worst advice, they're snakes, they've set you up for something, and then when it goes bad, they're not there to back you up.

They're the worst.

I think they're in the wrong business.

I hate them. They're on the backs of us. They stink. I can't wait to fire mine. I'm done with the business forever anyway.

Whoa, dude.

Why would you be done with the business?

Yeah, me too.

We're out, dude.

We're out.

We're the last show in Hollywood. This is it. I think we're the last. Yeah, it's over. It's dying. It's dying. Yeah.

That's a shame.

You do a movie.

And the book, by the way, is available literally everywhere.

Please go. Yeah, you can pre-order it now on all the things.

All the things.

All the things. And it'll be out November 11th.

November 11th, Ingram.

My first novel. It was your first one? Yeah, I wrote another one after that I'm still working on. I mean, I finished a draft of it.

Did you get like a book deal where they give you a two book deal? You know, they do this thing, it's a weird, they're like, give them a deal and then they make people write another book

even if they didn't want. one good see what happened and I sent it out and this company Ben Bella in Texas is publishing it's little company Ben Bella Ben Bella did you find them they found you I got a book agent and he's a really smart guy and he found found them he'd worked with them on other stuff they don't do much fiction ah wow but it's pretty it's it's distributed by Simon & Schuster so that's that's what sells it whoo book deal from them okay it sells it. But I didn't get a book deal from them. It's like, I haven't been paid anything.

I just wrote it and they're putting it out. We'll see what we make together. But I don't have an advance or anything.

That's a good deal. We'll see what we make together.

I like it that way. I don't like the thing of like, when I book on the road and stuff. Agents like to get advances because they sound, you know. Hey, we got you the money. Yeah, yeah. But all you're doing is betting against yourself. The last thing you want to do is like,

take a bunch of money from somebody and then you didn't do well. And then you're like, ha ha. Want people to sort of have a good experience of you, so.

Yeah, because you're a Yeah, that was my innovation. That was Louie, big CrowdWorkClip guy. You were the first on TikTok to do it, as far as I'm concerned.

That's right.

I saw most of your videos.

I just saw it, I saw it as a new way. And here I am, thank God. I would love to see it. Does that annoy you, these Crowd crowd work guys on doing clips on TikTok? I mean, it's the, they got what they got from it.

Yeah, it's fine.

It's all part of the thing. It's fine.

It works for them, good for them. Yeah. Okay. I don't care. I don't, as a, I love standup. I don't enjoy watching that. Yeah. Right. And you're not building anything.

That's, but I have a different goal than them. They just want to run their numbers up and they want to get whatever.

Yeah.

And also a lot of people, it pleases them a lot.

People really love it.

People like it.

Yeah.

So if an audience, if someone's enjoying it, It's just, it's none of their business. If you don't like something, it's none of your business, as long as somebody likes it. If nobody likes it forever, someone needs to, someone needs to talk to the, but you know what? If literally no one ever liked a comic ever doing anything, that'd be pretty fucking incredible. I'd be like, I wanna see this.

Like David Tell had this, I don't think he ever did it more than once that I saw. He said, if you tell somebody you have a small penis, if you tell a woman you have a small penis, she won't be interested. But if you tell her you have the smallest penis in the whole world, she's gonna want it.

Yeah.

He's one of my favorites. Great. It's unbelievable that guy. Yeah. Yeah. He's one of my favorites. Great.

It's unbelievable that guy. Yep.

Who's the guy that you really have like a comedy crush on that you're like, oh, I love the fucking way that that person works.

These days?

Yeah.

I mean, that used to be Zach for me. I used to put my head on the table and cry.

Yeah.

Todd Glass has always made me laugh like that. So funny. Just fucking destroys me. Yeah. Jim Norton, who I've been working with lately, just also really kills me. Yeah. There's a lot of guys I really love, but that kind of like, I can't believe it. Yeah. Todd Glass, I mean, I don't know if it's okay to do other people's bits, but I'm naming him. Yeah. Yeah.

Should we call him?

We'll get approval. Yeah. He did this thing about a lady next to him on an airplane has Reese's cups and she's taking one out and she looks at him looking at him and she goes, do you want one? And he goes, I want both.

And he did some clip.

I don't know if you can find it,

but it was during the pandemic, he did some fake commercial, I think, on maybe Instagram or something, where he's showing you how you can pee outside. But he puts just a bag, like a shopping, like a plastic bag over his head,

and he just stands near a bush and he just starts pissing his pants. And it's completely fucking nuts. So he, and I haven't seen him for a long time, but he's always been a guy that destroys me.

We love him.

Yeah.

He was doing a bunch of fake cop bits that were very funny. Do you remember that little run he had for a while of like getting fake pulled over?

He used to do a bit with breakaway glass bottles, like fantasy of like breaking. So he'd be like, it's him walking down the street with like a beer bottle.

And there's some teenage girls and one of them gives them typical teenage girl like, ew. And he goes over and he breaks the floor. Yeah, he was pretty great. He's the one right now.

All right, look, the advice was good.

I learned so much today. Lou, did you have fun here?

Of course I did, it was really fun. I wanted to do the show because you guys have a great energy. It was fun. And I had a great time. Well, listen, we love you. It's not gonna sell a single one of my books.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not true. It'll sell one.

No, no, no, Ingram, Louis C.K.

No, no, no, he's right, it's not. go purchase Ingram right now, Louis' first book. It would mean a lot to him. He asked us for a loan before the show. We were a little concerned.

I'm being real. I mean, I,

dude, I'm just- Thanks for being on the show, man.

I appreciate it.

No, no, no.

That's it.

Thank you so much.

Go ahead, do your gay bit.

Do your little I forget I forget your sense. No, I just think I'm just a huge fan dude. Thanks. I really am I just think you're so great. Thank you. Well, you make me laugh a lot. Thank you. Thank you for

but um Just having you on here was just a fucking great. Thanks Just having you on here was just a fucking great. Thanks

Yeah, dude, he's the best living comic yeah, yeah, okay, what I fuck up shut up right no no thank you for being a bad friend