"No Kings" Protests Defy GOP Expectations & Jon Gives Trump a Royal Inspection | The Daily Show

Welcome to The Daily Show, ladies and gentlemen. We got a great show for you tonight. I didn't even want to tell you this. Senator Bernard Sanders, Independent Vermont. I swear to God, I've never seen this before, you announce a guest and a mosh pit forms. You started going on there. You're hearing that man.

If you're watching tonight's program with a billionaire, you might want to get him some headphones because it's about to get all populist up in this bitch. That's for sure. But first, it's about to get all populist up in this bitch. That's for sure. But first, it's exciting news. Believe me, I'm excited as well. We're going to start though with the major news from this weekend.

New York's annual Halloween dog parade is this weekend. That is not the picture we used in rehearsal. It's a great reminder each year that dogs, like humans, are capable of experiencing humiliation. Perhaps you missed this year's annual dog parade, because you remained inside all weekend

because you knew that the No Kings protests would be taking place and you heard what that might be like.

We call it the hate America rally. I bet you see pro Hamas supporters. I bet you see Antifa types. I bet you see the Marxist in full display.

This crazy no-Kings rally this weekend, which is going to be the farthest left, the hardest core, the most unhinged in the Democratic Party.

What the? Not the hardest core ha-Marxism. It's gonna be like Mad Max out there with Chuck Schumer on flaming guitar. That's a real photograph. And so this weekend we sat in our bunkers, doors locked, windows boarded, muskets and cyanide pills at the ready, prepared for whatever the hardest core had in store. Do your worst.

Display your Marxism to its fullest.

An estimated 7 million people gathered across some 2,700 No Kings rallies in cities from coast to coast in what has been described as one of the largest single-day demonstrations in U.S. history.

Not only were they largely peaceful,

they were often joyful.

Not public domain folk classics! You monsters!

Actually, it was kind of an incredible turnout that was somewhat inspiring. 7 million Americans, zero mass shootings.

Zero! Thank you.

That's just sad.

No mass shootings, my God. That's just sad.

No mass shootings? My God. I mean, has that even happened before? Even the dog parade had some nipping. It wasn't a hate America rally at all. I look forward to Republicans apologizing sincerely for implying that these Americans

were what's the word I'm looking for? apologizing sincerely for implying that these Americans were... What's the word I'm looking for? Deplorable.

This, to me, is a colossal waste of time,

and for these people, you wasted your Saturday.

It's like a Comic-Con. They have costumes and hashtags.

They're silly protesting, and they don't know how dumb they look.

Absurdist costumes. They look silly.

They certainly don't look serious. I knew Antifa. I worked with Antifa. You people are not Antifa. Make up your mind, Fox! You complained it would be a terrifyingly shit-your-pants protest, and now you are complaining about how boringly un-pants shitting it was. Although there was one knit you picked that really felt off-brand.

The crowd made largely up of what many are saying are gray hairs, boomers, a bunch of

boomers.

A lot of older, angry white boomers.

It's a sea of white people.

It's all old white people.

Extra, extra! Extra, extra! It's a sea of white people. It's all old white people.

Extra, extra! Extra, extra, read all about it. This country has too many angry old white people. Says, hold on, Fox News. Fox News says, why are old white people so angry? Fox News, mad that there are so many old white people in America. I don't think Fox News is mad.

I think they're jealous. To be fair, to be fair to Fox News, they're kind of right to be dismissive. I mean, imagine a bunch of old white people in costumes angrily protesting the direction and overreach of an ever-encroaching federal government.

I mean, preposterous. That's in no way a movement that could sweep the midterms and then be harnessed by a charismatic demagogue to remake an entire political party. It's laughable. Republicans should be careful.

There is a tremendous amount of political potential energy coursing through these massive and, as of yet, unfocused gatherings, which is also not to insinuate that any random zoom-in close-up of said gathering would show itself to be less American Patriot Tea Party and more Mad Hatter Tea Party. I don't know what that is.

I don't know what they want. I'm assuming cheaper compressed air. Now, obviously that's not to say there weren't some hardened terrorist sympathizers practicing coordinated action. There ain't no king in the whole USA. I did not know Hamas had a jazzercise program. We must wage jihad against prediabetes and apparently rhythm. Um... And while those performances were more joyful than provocative,

I think we can all agree about the effectiveness of this installation. ICE agents as lice agents being beaten by Uncle Sam while Prison Trump meanders around the Constitution. Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot stress this enough, this is why you do not cut funding for the arts. You don't want to do this shit on the cheap.

Clearly, it was a great day for democracy, and apparently an even better day for people across this country who always got cast as Ensemble in their high school's musical. At the end of the day, it wasn't the spectacle that upset Republican leaders. What really hurt their feelings was the insinuation behind the rallies.

They're calling him a king. It's completely ridiculous.

And I guarantee you that kings don't let you romp up and down the street in costume, mocking

him. If President Trump was a king, he would have closed the national parks and the national mall so they couldn't have had the rally out here.

Yeah, that's not as reassuring as you think it is. Oh, believe me, if this guy was king, there'd be no dissent. I mean, he wanted to shut the park. He Googled it. He showed us a picture of the park with a big X.

He said, what if we had them come and then just red wedding the shit out of them? We told him, Mr. President, we're not there. And the truth is it's a bit of a hyperbole from the opposition to think that this president is some sort of thin-skinned man-baby king sitting in his gilded throne room, demanding vengeance on his enemies while plotting baroque and lavish monuments to his own ego, whilst sycophants plead for his benevolence

through exotic tokens of fealty.

And this book, The Last,

comes off with a mourning wand. It's engraved for President Trump.

It's a unique unit of wine.

Hey! It's from the Corning line! The most spectacular line in all engravings! My lord! It has a hole in the middle for your c**. You can place the corning line around your c**. It'll look like a bishop wearing an Elizabethan collar. And scene. And... C. Chuck, no, this one's clear. This one's clear.

This is a unique gift to the president, handmade and blown on the order of the CEO,

and it still had to come in all that f***ing Apple packaging. Enjoy the gift if you can find it under all the secret compartments of the office. and it still had to come in all that f***ing Apple packaging. Enjoy the gift if you can find it all under all the secret compartments. Oh, and the gift needs a charger and the package doesn't include an adapter.

Oh yeah. Alright. So clearly Trump has the lavish sensibilities of a king, the entitled mind of a king. But if he was really a king, where's the broken down, inbred body of a king, the entitled mind of a king. But if he was really a king, where's the broken-down, inbred body of a king, saddled with the exotic infirmaries of royalty? Like-like this guy, King Charles II of Spain.

Look! Look at the picture! That's his official portrait! That's the one he picked! Oh, I like the shading and the little filter. It makes it seem like my head is not an actual eggplant.

Bring me my corning line.

That I may place my be-shriveled...

f***. -$%&! -$%&!

$%&!

$%&! Say what you want about Trump. He doesn't have any of that stuff.

There have been many questions about the president's health after photographs surfaced of his swollen ankles and bruised hands.

Okay, those are weird. But a real king would have his minions dismiss said infirmaries.

Recent photos of the president have shown minor bruising on the back of his hand.

This is consistent with minor soft tissue irritation from frequent hand shaking and the business a long time.

I'm not the president, but I've shaken a lot of hands. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't cause a gangrene. You know what? Admittedly, it's starting to feel like there might be something to this whole King thing. Let's go to the source, the original no Kings protest, the revolution. Let's see what's in the declaration of independence.

I just want to see very quickly if we have, hold on a second. There's listed 27 specific grievances against the King. Time for a surprise inspection. Let me just see very...

Oh, what's that? This is against the king. Time for a surprise inspection. Let me just see very...

Oh, you know what's sad? The actual color of my hair is store-bought colonial wig. Alright, let's see what the declaration says. Give me a beat! Come on. The declaration says, he has kept among us in times of peace standing armies without the consent of our legislatures.

Done. Cutting off our trade with all parts of the world. That does sound familiar. He has obstructed the administration of justice. It's getting hot in here. And here's one more. He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us.

I mean, come on. I'm calling it. Look, maybe Trump isn't an all-powerful king, the kind who can do whatever he wants, but he's undeniably king-adjacent, king-esque, moving for more. He's the imitation crab of kings right now,

the I-can't-believe-it's-not-king. And the ironic part about Republicans complaining that he is being dubbed a king is that, in their minds, he has already surpassed that title anyway and moved on to a much higher calling.

He's a miracle worker.

Trump just performed an actual miracle before our eyes.

He was saved to do things like he did today.

He's got just a special anointing.

Prophecy, destiny, and divine purpose. President Trump is God's chosen instrument for this moment in time.

I've seen the hand of God on him for a very long time. You know, we're saving Christianity. We're saving God.

To Republicans, king is a demotion. He's not a king. He's a deity sent by God to bring peace to all of mankind. A Jesus-like figure. I mean, I get it. There is a lot of crossover.

It's why tonight I thought we'd end our program with some fun and play the hottest new game show on basic cable. Jesus or Trump.

Bing bong.

Alright, here we go. Here's how we're going to play.

I'll read a quote, and you try and figure out if it was said by Donald J. Trump or Jesus H. Christ. Get out your scorecards! First quote, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. I'm starting off with a tough one purposefully. Give everybody a second to lock in their answers. Jesus Christ, that's you.

Got about 60% in the audience. Number two, be on your guard against all kinds of greed. Life does not consist in an abundance of possessions. That's another tricky one. I want you to take Jesus again.

That was two for the years on that.

I'm going to try another one. I did try and f*** her. Please wait until after I finish the quote before you walk in here. Please. I did try and f*** her. She was married.

And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping, she wanted to get some furniture. I said, I'll show you where they have some nice furniture. Ma'am. Please respect the other contestants. I moved on her like a bitch.

But I couldn't... don't boo, it could be Jesus. And you are risking eternal life. But I couldn't get there, and she was married. Then all of a sudden, I see her. She's now got the big, phony tits and everything. She's totally changed her look." End quote.

-$5,000.

$5,000.

Lock in.

$5,000. That one was Trump.

That was Trump. You got that. You guys are very good at this game. So if you ask, is Trump a king? Nay! Nay!

He is the king of kings! And that, my friends, is a reason to rejoice. is a reason to rejoice.

Not like that!