Trump Berates Reporters, Gets Mystery MRI & Closes Border to (Non-White) Immigrants | The Daily Show

Welcome to The Daily Show. My name is Jon Stewart. Great show for you tonight. Later on, we're going to be joined by author Elizabeth Colbert. We will be discussing the environment. Do we still need one? By the way, you couldn't hear in the audience,

but I said we have Elizabeth Colbert on the show, and someone in the audience said, I love her. Like, literally, just in the middle of it, it was just like, oh, I love her. I love her. So we are pleasing her.

All right. All right.

But for how was your Thanksgiving?

Did you eat a lot there? I've eaten pie every morning for the last five mornings. I ate a lot. Did you stay safe from Vecna? Did Vecna? Are you safe?

Can you believe it turns out Vecna was just when...

-♪ No... -♪

-♪ No... -♪

I mean, I did not see that coming.

-♪ No... -♪

-♪ No... -♪

But I hope your holiday was fine. Did you have any uncomfortable moments with Trump-loving relatives? Well, if you did, I just want to say this to you. Sack up! Because on Thanksgiving, the White House press corps had to deal with actual Trump.

Are you stupid? Are you a stupid person? And you're just asking questions because you're a stupid person.

I'm sorry, sir. The question was, would you care for more stuffing? -$1.5 million. $1.5 million.

$1.5 million.

But, no, don't blame the president. I didn't tell you. Don't bully him. It's Thanksgiving. Everybody gets a little stressed out. I'm sure the president calmed down and delivered a more apropos message to the American people

on this Thanksgiving holiday of togetherness.

I love it. Yeah. See, we're not allowed to do that anymore. You know, we're not allowed. You're not allowed to use the word Indian anymore. The only one that wants you to are the Indians.

God damn it, Grandpa! We talked about this! I had the same thing happen in my house. Look, we all hate sitting next to the doddering old person at Thanksgiving, which I think might be me now. But imagine if that was your job.

And instead of being with your family and friends this holiday, you're in the press court. You got to fly down to Mar-a-Lago. I'm sorry, the Winter White House. And put up with this shit for a living.

Today I'm in Florida, but generally I'm in the White House, I'm in the Oval Office, I won by a lot. I ran a second time, I won by a lot. And I would say to myself, why are we calling it Gulf of Mexico when we had, I like Tom Cruise, the last of our movie stars. Martin can't hit a ball 30 yards, I'm telling you.

I looked at his swing. You probably had your dinner already, but I didn't. And I know exactly what I'm gonna have, turkey.

Yeah, we're all having turkey. Excuse me, I'm just going to go doom scroll on my phone in the bathroom for a while. But hey, everyone has trouble after throwing down a pound of turkey with all the fixings keeping their thoughts straight. I'm sure his written Thanksgiving message to the American people would be more circumspect,

more rooted in gratitude? On Thanksgiving night, he called Governor Tim Walz, quote, seriously retarded.

On Thanksgiving?! Are you confusing that with Festivus?

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And by the way, seriously retarded? Not even, like, playfully retarded? Like... like Mr. Bean Bean you know what I mean? Or celebratorily retarded like the Black Eyed Peas song? Yeah, they're very lucky that started rhymes with it. You know, the press corps had to spend the whole holiday weekend down in Mar-a-Lago listening to this brain ooze, and then they couldn't even go back home by themselves.

They had to fly back with this nut and ask him if he wants to clarify any of the nonsense.

Do you stand by that claim of calling Tim Walz retarded?

What is happening?! When Ken Burns does the documentary on this era... do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do for Governor Walz and the entire TARD community. Perhaps it's time for me to step back and start to listen. He's not doing that.

Do you stand by that claim of calling Tim Walz retarded?

Yeah, I think there's something wrong with him.

Something wrong with him? With him? You were sitting with your family Thanksgiving, belly full of turkey and pie, surrounded by the love of your extended crime family, but your initial instinct was to truth a slur at Tim Walz?

And there's something wrong with him? And by the way, he's not the one who mysteriously got an MRI the other day. What was up with that?

What part of your body was the MRI looking at?

I have no idea.

That's not physically possible. To have no idea. It's not possible. What would you say to the doctor? No, no, no, don't tell me. I want to find out at my MRI reveal party.

It's the lymph nodes! What is happening? For God's sakes, man, were you not curious at all when they laid you down in a tube for a half an hour to 45 minutes? You didn't want to know what they might be doing? Or did you just think to yourself, what a loud tanning bed. What is happening?

I can do this all day. How about letting us have a gander at that MRI then?

So if they want to release it, it's okay with me to release it. It's perfect. It's absolutely perfect.

So you didn't even know what they scanned, but you got a perfect score. Because by the way, that's how they score the MRIs. You either get a big stamp, perfect, or you get, in red ink, see me. You don't want that. You don't want to see me.

What the f**k?

And while the president wasn't exactly sure which organs were scanned, he knew which one

wasn't. It wasn't the brain because I took a cognitive test and I aced it.

Did you ace it? Or is perhaps the cognitive test knowing what part of your body was staying. Maybe that was the test. that these reporters have spent away from their families. He did end this brief session with some words of gratitude for the difficult jobs that these reporters do, especially the two reporters standing closest to him.

I took a cognitive test, and I aced it. I got a perfect mark, which you would be incapable of doing. Goodbye, everybody. You, too.

Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you, sir. Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you, Mr. President.

Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you, sir. Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you, Mr. President.

Thank you, Mr. President. When he goes, you too. And the woman on the right whose face is like, what the f**k did I do? I'm just standing there. She's the one with the cognitive question. You couldn't finish the cognitive test and f**k you too. Like what?

What is that? That's just crazy. And he's calling him stupid. It seems like about a week ago, someone on Trump's press team was like, you've got to stop calling the female reporters ugly and piggy. And he was like, got it.

I won't do that anymore at all. I know what I'll do. You're stupid. Oh. And the second thing I like about that clip is that Trump thinks he's delivering the mic drop. You're stupid.

You're too. Good night. Tip your waitresses. But then he's got to waddle all the way back to his bed. Look at him go.

Oh.

He's got to waddle all the way back there pretending he doesn't need handrails. Isn't that what's happening? By the way, that plane's not even in the air. That's just instability from the extra liquid sloshing around in his cankles.

That's what he's doing. When he moves... But let's forget for a moment about this president's ugly contempt for those who are charged with getting information about his presidency out to other Americans. And let's just spend a little time also enjoying the utter incoherence of his presidency in general. For instance, the policy change that Trump is making in the aftermath of the terrible National Guard shooting in D.C.

That horrible act was done by one individual who happened to be part of a larger group of Afghans who were brought here because they risked their lives helping the United States during our invasion of Afghanistan, which, of course, means...

We know that Afghan national is a suspected shooter

of these National Guard's men.

Yeah, yeah, people that shouldn't be in our country.

That's right.

So, you announced that asylum...

That includes Somalians and includes plenty of others.

Did you just Somalia Afghanistan? Because of this one Afghan, all Afghans are suspect and also Somalians. He did to Somalia and Afghanistan exactly what he did to the reporters on the plane. You're banned from this country because of one terrible thing that one of you people did. You too!

What?

What?

If you're wondering what Somalians had to do with the Afghan shooter, yeah.

What did the Somalians have to do with this Afghan guy who shot the nation?

Nothing but Somalians of course a lot of trouble. They had nothing to do with it, just reminded me that there are other groups I also don't

like.

I don't see color, I just hate all of it. So our entire immigration system is now going to be based around the principle that if even one person from your ethnic or religious group f**ks up, you all gotta go. And a screening process that can't tell the difference. How do I know it can't tell the difference?

Your DOJ IG just reported this year that there was thorough vetting by DHS and by the FBI of these Afghans who were brought into the US. So why do you blame the Biden administration?

Because they let them in. Are you stupid? Are you a stupid person? And you're just asking questions because you're a stupid person.

See, that question was not a stupid person's question. A stupid person's question would be, may I eat my desk? To which you would say, what a stupid question. It's your desk. You can do whatever you want with it.

Look, the question relates to, can any free society create a 100% foolproof system for immigrants or for its natural citizens? I mean, what criterion will we use now?

Donald Trump said he plans to, quote, remove anyone who is not a net asset to the United States.

How do you...

By what measure? How? If they can't love our country, we don't want them.

But how do you measure that? What, if they stand at the border on a scale of mm to mm? How much do you, uh, do you say to the moon and back or just to the moon?

How much?

I mean, this is, it's utterly incoherent. Can you give us a more specific idea of which groups would pass your muster?

I love the Irish special people. I really do. I love the Irish. We're back, Italians.

We love the Italians.

Donald Trump's defendant warning immigrants from,

quote, nice countries like Denmark and Switzerland.

Okay, now I'm starting to see a pattern. I'm sure it's only in my head.

Refugee admissions into the country right now are essentially at zero, with the exception of Afrikaners fleeing persecution in South Africa.

So one horrific act by one Afghan means all Afghans are suspect. But we now welcome with open arms all Afrikaners. Because, I mean really, what have white South Africans ever done to anybody?

Is there anyone else that you would just let in as well? Anything weirdly specific? I also like very competent people coming into our country, maitre d's, wine, you know, experts, even waiters, high-quality waiters. You got to get the best people.

-♪♪ We're so f**ked. So Somalians aren't welcome unless they're also Somaliers. By the way, I want to make this clear. I don't mind Trump having strict standards. The problem is if you are from the so-called less desirable countries, he does not view you as individuals.

You are just part of a larger amorphous blob of suspicion that deserves no grace. And if one of you f**ks up, all are condemned. But he doesn't even hold that standard for his own ethnic group.

People from...

Magistan. -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Now, that happens to be a group that's got its own pretty solid criminal backstory. And I'm not even referring to January 6th. Let's just go ahead and give them a mulligan

for the whole trying to overthrow the government thing.

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Just look at the crimes they've committed since January 6th.

Owning unauthorized firearms.

Defrauding investors of $41 million.

Arrested after a dog attack that injured four people.

Reportedly raised a firearm during a traffic stop.

Making a terroristic threat.

Convicted of plotting to kill FBI agents.

Tried to bribe child sex victims.

Thefts of industrial copper.

Obviously that's not in order of severity. We're ratcheting up. We're going to kill an FBI agent, paying off child sex trafficking. Where's my copper? That was industrial copper. I was going to do something that people do with copper.

I was gonna make a lamp. Some of these people, it's almost like they already knew before they were pardoned that they were gonna use their second chance to commit more crimes.

Zachary Allum. He was sentenced to eight years for assaulting police officers on January 6th before he demanded a pardon from Trump Zachary Allum. He was sentenced to eight years for assaulting police officers on January 6th before he demanded a pardon from Trump. When a local station asked Allum what he would do once he was released he said quote, that's just for me to know and you to find out.

And boy did we find out after was arrested, for a home invasion. Apparently, it's Salvador Dali's home. He, Dali came home and went, where's my mustache? Oh, just have to make one out of industrial copper. So considering how devoted to crime some of Magistan is, I would assume Trump has no choice but to denaturalize and deport everyone in Maga as well, or…

January 6th people, they're patriots in so many cases. These were people that actually love our countries.

They were peaceful people. These were people that actually love our country. They were peaceful people. These were great people.

There has never been a group of people treated so harshly or unfairly in our country's history.

Really? No other group treated this harshly. I guess we've forgotten slavery and how Ellen treated her staff. You know...

You know...

You know... You know...

You know... You know... You know... You know... That's the real Trump standard. If you're not part of Trump's group, you have no margin of error in this country. But if you are, it's all margin of error. Not only are you not judged by the worst of your group, the worst of your group isn't judged at all. And to anyone who thinks that Trump's third world immigration crackdown is really about national security and is not just an opportunity for a USA complexion correction, I have but one thing to say to you.

Are you stupid? Are you stupid? Are you a stupid person?