Trump Can’t Negotiate for S**t, and the Iran Peace Talks Prove It | The Daily Show

We got a great show for you tonight.And later on, by the way, Jason Bateman's gonna be out here.We're gonna get to the big news.The big news, the Knicks are in the finals, baby!See that?Did anyone see that?

It was a f****** gust of wind.I said the Knicks are in the finals, and without touching it, the script went...By the way, that's the good news, the Knicks are in the finals.The bad news, Victor Wembenyama is still growing.As of this morning, he is up to 14 1⁄2 feet.If this series goes to seven games, oh, I just don't know.

I actually love it.He's an unbelievable player.He's incredibly interesting.He's very likable.And I do hope that at some point in his NBA career, he wins the championship.Good news.

I need some good news.I need some relief.And I'll tell you why.Because as many of you know, that big Freedom 250 concert that I'd so been looking forward to, and someone in the audience just died.The concert I've so been looking forward to has run into some problems.

Six musical artists originally announced as performers now dropping out, many citing political concerns.The Commodores, Martina McBride, Morris Day, and The Time, rapper Young MC, and Poison frontman Bret Michaels.

Tough break!

Wouldn't he just be MC?brother I feel you I feel you or just like you're as young as you feel MC 60 is the new 40 MC damn they didn't want to be a part of Donald Trump's personal political concert is anyone still performing?America is turning 250 I'm super honored to do this concert with everybody we're gonna bring back the 90s there you go see Vanilla Ice didn't drop out he saw a problem and yo he solved it He should really check out his hook, while his DJ...All right.Again, say what you want.Very likable fellow.

And by the way, the other artist who said that they are not bailing is C &C Music Factory, who, as you know, were devastated by globalization and the offshoring of most of America's music factories.Their frontman, Freedom Williams, had an interesting, I would say somewhat philosophical take on the issue of the intersection of performance and politics.

Y 'all gonna make this pretty 60 -year -old a leash on you motherfuckers.I'm sitting on the toilet taking a shit.

This is not a good time.We can certainly come back and discuss this later, but look, you know, let's not, let's not focus on where he's making the video or his Katniss and Peeta fanfic shirt or the Cottagecore wallpaper.Let's focus on the message.

The day I let you motherfuckers tell me what to do with this shit,

You love this country, critics be damned.Love was too strong a word.Why, Freedom, would you do the show celebrating 250 years of motherfucking capitalism and death?

I'll do the motherf***** show in North Korea, pissing on a f***** American flag, smoking a Cuban cigar, drinking Venezuelan wine, playing golf with motherf***** Kim Il -Jung with an Iranian b***** on my lap, while Trump's standing there with his b***** in his hand.

Kim Il -Jung?Is that like the Mexican Kim Jong -un?He might be my favorite person in the world.If you thought Freedom Williams ranting about our murderous nation and our president with his b***** in his hand, is the weirdest thing about how this concert is coming together.

According to CNN, quote,

Universal Attractions is in charge of, forgive me, recruiting talent for a Donald Trump part?That's what you're telling me?In planning our country's 250th birthday, somebody had to go into Donald Trump's office and say, How bad do you feel for that?After years of being not that Epstein, he finally gets all of his acts booked.

It's all coming up Epstein.

And then the acts collapse.He finally thought he was going to get his happy, uh, his, um...Once again, they leave him hanging.Uh, they...A Jeffrey Epstein joke?How could you?

Has grabbed a couple of wins from the weekend that can soften the blow of the canceled concert.Looks like we're gonna fully put an end to this U .S.-Iran kerfuffle.Breaking news, Axios now reporting that the U .S.

and Iran have reached a peace deal.

The president announcing the framework of an agreement to end the war and reopen the Strait of Hormuz.Trump says he's, quote, meeting now in the Situation Room to make a final determination.

Yes!Now, you could be forgiven for being skeptical.If you remember, I believe we've been here before.We were very close to a deal a couple of weeks ago.They are getting very close to making a deal.And, of course, getting close a few days before that.

I think we're getting close to maybe doing a deal.

Because I think the week before that, you remember, it was very...

We've had very good talks over the last 24 hours, and it's very possible that we'll make a deal.

It reminded me of the two weeks before that, when it was not just possible, but really already agreed to.Many of these things have been negotiated and agreed to.Which was based on the optimism we'd had from the one day before that.We're very close to making a deal.which was all based on the fruits of the efforts of the position that we were in three weeks prior.

I think there's a very good chance we're going to end up in a deal.

If I were a betting man, I'd bet for it.For me, hello, Cal -She -Market.A little birdie told me to put it all on peace.

Breaking news.State TV says Iran is suspending fragile peace talks with the US.

You keep telling us we are on the cusp of a deal.What is holding it up?What is hampering the completion of the terms?Is it the mullahs?Is it Israel?Is it the Revolutionary Guard?

What is holding this up?Trump claimed in a social media post that too many voices from Republicans and those he called Democrats are slowing him down, writing, What?

You're blaming this shit on us?You can't make peace unless everybody's quiet?Is making peace like putting or peeing?Is that what this is?Oh, the peace won't come out unless everybody shuts up.If you stare at me, I can't make peace.

Really?You're blaming us?You know, I think maybe we were all under the mistaken notion that you were some kind of dealmaker -in -chief, some kind of master negotiator.Where did we get that from?I mean, this is a high -stakes negotiation.

We've got the best negotiator in the world leading it.

He's doing what he does best, which is being a master negotiator.

He's known as the dealmaker -in -chief.This is what he's really good at.This is art of the deal.This is like scrambling the head game with Iran.I know deals, I think, better than anybody knows deals.

Of course you do.You're the dealmaker -in -chief.Our country is blessed with the world's greatest authority on negotiating and dealmaking.So how did the Iranians manage to blunt our advantage?

They're very smart, actually, in a certain way.They're very good negotiators.They're crafty.

Like, I'm the best negotiator in the world.I'm the master.Unless, yeah, you...They're not crafty, are they?Has anyone thought my negotiations are like a superpower?God forbid.

They happen to be crafty.Does anyone know?Are they crafty?Is that like a dampener?I didn't know I was going to be fighting other adults.Who set the expectations for your greatness?

I'm so busy with the Iranians calling, trying to make a good deal.They want very much to make a deal.

They're begging to make a deal, because they're begging to make a deal.

I mean, Iran is dying to make a deal.

And who set the acceptable terms of this deal that they are dying to make?It's got to be perfect.One of the things that will happen is the street will open immediately.

We want to see no nuclear bomb, no nuclear weapon, not even close to it.The nuclear dust, we're going to want that.The president declaring there will be no deal with Iran except unconditional surrender.They should wave the white flag, the white flag of surrender.In hockey, they say uncle, right?When are they going to cry uncle?

I think even the crafty Iranians understand you don't cry uncle in hockey.And by the way, no nuclear unconditional surrender opened the strait.Even that wasn't enough to satisfy Trump.But Iran didn't cry uncle.They weren't begging to make the deal.And here comes the Donald Trump special, the excuses.

We don't know who their leader is.They play games.They might be crazy.They're afraid to make a deal.They make a deal and the next day, like we waited five days for a letter that should have been there one hour.I said, where's the letter?

You didn't make a deal because you're waiting for a letter?What are you, inside a Ken Burns documentary?I was gonna get a letter.I didn't get the letter, so I guess no deal.I don't know what happened to the letter.And by the way, I'm not sure if you heard, there have been some delivery issues in the Strait of Hormuz.

You know, maybe the problem isn't us, who didn't want this f***ing war in the first place.Maybe the problem is a president who talks out of both sides of his mouth, lies like most of us breathe, and whose pronouncements cannot be trusted.because they will inevitably be undercut by the very same person pronouncing them, like this gem from The Weeknd.

Their Navy is totally gone, 100%.Their Air Force is totally gone, 100%.We've taken different forms of leadership out.We've actually left their military alone.People would be surprised to hear that.

We would be surprised to hear, to hear that.Do you know why we're surprised to hear that?Because two minutes earlier, in that same interview, you said...

We've defeated their military, essentially defeated their military.

But we've been hip to the holes in your negotiating game for quite some time now.Remember how you were gonna solve Ukraine and Russia on the first day?What happened with that?

We'll have a deal with Russia, Russia's set, and President Zelensky will not do it.And then?Well, now President Zelensky wants to make a deal, and Putin doesn't want to make the deal.It's a very, uh, difficult balance.When Russia's ready, Ukraine's not.When Ukraine's ready, Russia's not.

You're the greatest negotiator in the world, and you're saying that it's difficult to bring together two differing sides with competing interests?If only there was a word for closing that gap.Someone who could help close it.I don't know.A gap -a -closenator.But that's...

That's the dirty little secret in all of this, isn't it?Donald Trump isn't actually a master Gapicosinator.Negotiation is about bringing parties of disparate interests into an agreement that understands each other's positions and resolves those differences with compromises that advance shared goals.Whereas Donald Trump's gift is in not doing that.Trump's singular gift is in manufacturing the animus and division that actually makes negotiated settlements so difficult, yet so necessary in this world.That's his happy place.

But the Democrats voted against all of that, but we call them Democrats.

Not that peace deal you were talking about, but as a 1 a .m.slop tweet, Magnifico!In God's name, does the world's most powerful man come up with gold like that?

And it works out well, because I take the word dumb, take the B off, because most people don't know that, you know, dumb ends with a B, but most people don't know.And all I do is I switch the E with a U, and you have a Democrat.

I really hope we do not ever become numb to this.But I think even Donald Trump recognizes that his superpowers may be waning.

I don't know that it's gonna be as good as Pocahontas or fake news or so many of the others that we've come up with.

How sad is it?Donald Trump knows he's past his peak.But, hey, man, you gotta keep trying.You gotta keep putting out new stuff.Otherwise, you could end up alone on the toilet.Remember is that you, my friend, are represented by Jeff Epstein.

Oh, my God, Olivia Munn, what are you doing here?

Jonathan, tonight is about you.I am here to honor you on one of your biggest final special send -off shows.What?Yeah.Just like Colbert had big production, huge stars, everyone loved it.I'm here for you for that.

Wait, this isn't our final...This isn't our final show.This is a normal Monday show.

See?See, that's what I'm talking about.I love the optimism.No, that's not...You are so dumb.That's how fragile this industry is.

No, no, I realize.We're not...It's not like a show.I wrote a song.Hey!What?

No, it's...Okay, um...You don't...Look, uh, this is really the only way I know how to tell you how I feel, and, um, I'm gonna try not to cry, although no promises.Okay.And, uh, one and two, here we go.

Nobody can fill your chair.You're the one and only...

I think you need to tune the guitar.

Tune a guitar?You're thinking of a piano.

No, that's...

Your glasses and your dark brown hair.You host The Late Show with Jon Stewart.

Okay, Stewart doesn't rhyme with hair or chair, so it's not...Guitar solo!Wasn't even written for me.That was written for Stephen Colbert.

No one cares if you leave.Okay, that's not necessary.That's not necessary.That's not necessary.But sadly, Jon, I'm saying goodbye to Steven.There was a scheduling conflict.

I was available.They gave a hard pass.They went with Paul McCartney?The guy from Wings?I mean, dig him up.

Look, Olivia, it's not my last show, but you were obviously always welcome here.I love you.You know that.It's...

Really?

Yeah.

My God, thank you so much.Of course.Because there's really not a lot of options left.It's basically just you or the Hot Ones guy.Okay.If you know this, I don't like wings, the food or the band.

Okay.

Well, come back anytime.And you don't have to pretend you can play guitar.

What?I -I can play guitar.I mean, how do you think I got booked from the Freedom 250 concert, huh?