Trump Thinks We're as Dumb as He Is, Gaslights Us on Oil Prices & Hegseth’s a Sensitive Snowflake

Jimmy, I am the host of the show. Thank you for watching. Thank you for joining us here at our office, our home here in Los Angeles in Hollywood, where the Oscars are happening on Sunday. Did you see all the stuff right across the street?

It's going to be hot on Sunday. Guillermo, you will be on the red carpet on Sunday?

I will be there, Jimmy, with water and a lot of tequila.

Good, good. Yes. Good, good. We, yes. We need to protect you from the heat. You know, they're saying it could get up to 200 degrees on Sunday.

Wow, that's terrible.

That's right.

Remember that butler did he used to have, the guy that held the umbrella over his head? We need to get you one of those.

Yeah.

Well, you know, hey, you know, we have a big mystery to solve right now here in this city. $250,000 worth of male sex toys that were loaded onto a train headed from LA to Dallas have vanished. They are nowhere to be found. They loaded them on a freight train, and when the train got to Dallas, it was empty.

The company says the thief made off with 330 Handy Massage 2 pleasure devices and 289 Handy Massage Pro model pleasure device. Police are on the suspect, are looking for a suspect with 619 penises. So please, that is a lot of sex toys.

Can you imagine planning that heist? Guys, we're going to get the gang back together for one last job. And it's going to be hot, you'll see. I'd not heard of the Handy Massage 2 Pro, so I googled it. And it seems to be some kind of mini robot Lauren Boebert.

It's a, the Handy 2 is engineered with next-gen technology and built with our community feedback at its core, enabling new levels of interactive pleasure for penis owners. Brother Solo with a partner. Penis owner. Penis owner.

Penis owners. Do we even own our penises? I mean, I feel like my penis owns me in a lot of ways. Anyway, I hope they find the thieves, and I hope those items are returned to their rightful penis owners.

You hate to see people have to go back to doing that by hand, you know? This is why we need to get the Homeland Security Department back to work. You know, the DHS has been partially shut down for almost a month now.

And this has been a real problem at the airport. Roughly 50,000 TSA employees are currently working without pay. More than 300 TSA agents have quit since the shutdown started. And the number of agents calling out sick have skyrocketed, which, of course, has resulted in massive delays.

It often takes hours to get through airport security now. The staff shortages have gotten so bad, I don't know if you guys flew, but officers at some airports are being instructed to only do searches on travelers they find attractive, which is weird. And now you can't even just drive.

Gas prices have gone up every day for the past 11 days. But our president, Excon Mobile, says there is nothing to worry about. He wrote, the United States is the largest oil producer in the world by far. So when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money.

But of far greater interest and importance to me as president is stoping an evil empire, Iran, from having nuclear weapons. That's right. He's stoping the evil empire. He really is the stupidest president of all time. And this idea.

And this idea.

And this idea.

And this idea. He says, when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money. Maybe you and your buddies do, but we don't make a lot of money. We just pay more for gas when oil prices go up. He must think we're as dumb as he is. The man who campaigned on the promise he would get gas prices under $2 a gallon is now trying to convince us that higher prices are better.

You know, you hear the term gaslighting a lot, but rarely when it comes to actual gas. This is a gem, and it couldn't have come at a worse time. According to a new survey, a third of Americans say they are skipping meals or cutting back on utilities, like heat, to pay the rising cost of their health care

premiums, which makes me wonder what happened to that health care plan Trump announced two months ago. Remember the great health care plan he announced? That disappeared right along with our invasion of Greenland. They just went away. And with all this going on, with all these problems,

all this instability, war, inflation, Epstein, you name it, you can see that for Trump. Worrying about this is starting to take a toll.

♪♪

Let's go.

You know, I was wondering if they'd ever reboot Jake and the Fat Man, and they did.

That's...

Yesterday... Our current president and the next one right there in a room together. Our FIFA Peace Prize winning POTUS said yesterday that even though we are still bombing Iran, their soccer team is welcome to come to the United States for the World Cup this summer. And then when Iran's Minister of Sports suggested they might not be keen to do that, he tweaked the invitation. He wrote, the Iran national soccer team

is welcome to the World Cup, but I really don't believe it is appropriate that they be there for their own life and safety. Thank you for your attention to this matter, President Donald J. Trump. Well, I'm glad he's looking out for them.

That's nice. You know, Trump said we could take out Iran in an hour if we, which he couldn't even take off all his makeup in an hour. I think he might be running out of people to fight because he's even going after members of his own party. Now, Thomas Massie is a libertarian-leaning Republican

from Kentucky, and Trump hates him because he's the co-sponsor of that bill that forced the release of the Trump Epstein file. So yesterday, Trump flew to Kentucky for a rally and to pick up some of that delicious fried chicken they have. And then he did this big rally to support the guy running

against Thomas Massie, a Trump sycophant named Ed Galrine, who jumped on stage to give the event a little extra dose of crazy.

Mr. President, I hope the fake news gets this. Tom Massey stands with the ladies of The View. Tom Massey stands with the ladies of The View.

Mr. President, we stand with you.

Fight, fight, fight! USA! USA! USA! Thank you.

Thank you. USA! USA! USA!

I'm telling you, that is the greatest candidate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He seems pretty great. I don't think I've ever seen a man in his 60s go through puberty on stage before. It's like the world's most hyperactive funeral director. Trump put on quite a show in Kentucky. And for those who didn't have two hours

to sit through that show, we boiled it down for an all new edition of Real Moments in Presidementia.

["POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE"]

You know what an excursion is? We had to take a little trip.

Kentucky. Kentucky. Kentucky. I love Kentucky. I love Kentucky.

Paducah.

Paducah.

Give me somebody with a warm body. I got somebody with a warm body.

You know it's a little rainy today.

Round and round it goes.

Kills a lot of birds.

Want to play a song?

Ave Maria.

Right now, a Maria of a Maria Papa Roddy, dr. Odd. Okay, do you mind if I get off the teleprompter? No mail in balance? I don't do interviews. He should have done it. I want to watch myself. I want to watch myself attack. It's my favorite words

That's it. Absolutely. Holy

Wow, what what the hell is happening? That's it. Absolutely. Holy matador. Ay, ay, ay. Wow. What?

What the hell is happening?

I don't know. I don't know.

But whatever it is, it is not good. Trump hosted an event at the White House today to honor Women's History Month. And they dragged the first lady out of her shoe closet or whatever to introduce him. And this is interesting.

You know how some couples, as they get older, start to sound alike? They kind of morph into the same person? Well, Melania, while introducing her husband, had an awful lot of nice things to say about herself.

As a visionary, I know success is not born overnight, but rather takes shape after a long and sometimes challenging process. Often alone at the top, I follow my passion, listen to my instinct, and always maintain a laser focus. In solitude, my creative mind dances.

The principle resonates across all my roles as a mother, humanitarian, philanthropist, and entrepreneur.

In solitude, her creative mind dances. You know, as a humanitarian and entrepreneur. They could probably put any words in front of her and she'd just keep reading them, right? Possible side effects include headache, muscle fatigue, and diarrhea.

And by the way, look at him trying to keep it together while she talks.

As well as with my new film, where I shaped its creative direction.

That's right. All the B-best documentaries let the subject shape the creative direction. What creative direction? I watch that documentary. Nothing happens.

Waze has more creative direction than the Melania documentary. And then, and then they really put a cherry on top of women's month. You're not gonna believe this. An Olympic gold medalist showed up

to present the president with yet another award he didn't win.

Olympic medals are never achieved alone. So I am here today, and I'm so honored to present this, my Order of Ecos medal, to you, Donald Trump.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Look at how happy he is. Oh!

You got a medal for me? I thought he was all about keeping men out of women's sports. Now he's taking the medal. Suddenly he's a ladies bobsledding champion. There is no shame in this administration. There's vanity.

There's plenty of vanity, but there's no shame in this administration. There's vanity. There's plenty of vanity, but there's no shame. You know, our Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth, is doubling down on his crusade against a free press. The Pentagon has reportedly banned some photographers from press briefings about the war because they released photos that either Hegseth or his staff did not like. They released unflattering photos of him, and so they're not allowed back.

Who would have ever guessed the guy who spent thousands of taxpayer dollars on a makeup studio might be a little bit self-absorbed? Turns out our phony tough guy, our Secretary of War, is a sensitive little snowflake making a safe space for his beautiful face.

I like that he thinks it's the photos that are making him look bad. Like, I mean, who could possibly take an unflattering photograph of this, you know? It's give him two horns and a steering wheel, he's Bowser in Mario Kart.

The truth is, Pete Hexeth is actually a handsome guy. He's on the outside. On the inside, he looks like the old lady from Weapons. But on the outside, but enough about Pretty Pete. You know, all eyes this weekend are on the Oscars, which, as I mentioned,

are taking place right across the street at the Dolby Theater, which is located right next to the historic Dave and Buster's on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which was recently named by a travel website that I will not dignify with a mention as the world's worst tourist attraction.

That's right, our neighborhood was rated the worst tourist spot in the world. Coming in second was the Dead Sea.

For real.

And I take offense to that. Our show is part of the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And so to rebut this vicious characterization, I sent our announcer, Lou Wilson, out to the boulevard to show you and everyone the real Hollywood, the Hollywood we love.

I'm here at the world famous Hollywood Walk of Fame. Now, people say this is the world's worst tourist attraction, but I'm gonna show you why they're wrong. You can't beat the action on Hollywood Boulevard. The glitz and the glam, the hustle and the bustle.

Okay, be honest. Is this the best place you've ever been to?

Hollywood Boulevard?

Yes.

No.

For people who aren't here with us right now, can you describe the smell?

It kind of smells like stale pea and cinnamon nuts.

Look at that. And then look at this. I'm nestled between smoke shops right now. They sell luggage, as if anyone would ever want to leave this place. One of my favorite things about Hollywood Boulevard is all the mouth-watering cuisine. Sir, I know you have an important phone call, but what do you guys sell?

I'm being paid.

Oh, sorry.

But for my money, there's no better meal

than a bacon-wrapped hot dog from a stranger on the sidewalk.

Mmm.

They say the grill kills the bacteria.

♪♪

Is there any better place in the whole wide world? ♪♪ Does anyone remember the 2009 film Twilight? This souvenir store does, and it's only $35.99. You know, a lot of people call this the River of Dreams. Ooh, it's warm. I don't know why it's warm, but goddamn, it's warm.

The walk is teeming with talented newcomers.

When I arrived in 1965, I was a homeless guy.

Are you guys a group?

Yes, Full Brothers called Ozzy Bros Squad.

Ozzy Bros Squad. Do you guys do music?

♪ Lights on, teeth moved, face hit, knife grew ♪

♪ One step left, two steps right.

I brought the boogie back.

Only in Hollywood.

And the award for the world's greatest tourist attraction goes to Hollywood Boulevard.

Screw you, Dead Sea.

That's right.

That's right.

That's right.

That's right. Sadly, Lou was never seen again, but may his memory be a blessing. Thank you. No, Lou's right there. Thank you, Lou. Lou Wilson, everybody. We have a good show tonight.

Funny XO is here.

We have music from Nora Jones and Joshua Homme, We have music from Nora Jones and Joshua Homme,

and we'll be right back with Will Forte. -♪♪