Unplugged ft. Seema Anand | Myths vs Reality: Unlearning Social Taboos | Pleasure | Kamasutra |

What's the difference between sex and pleasure?

Anyone can have sex. But it's very difficult to keep pleasure. I learnt about what I was going to do in bed the night before I got married. My friend told me so much nonsense, you have to remember, it must have hurt a lot. And she was a doctor.

Did sex education exist in the ancient times?

It was taught, but it was written in 7 sections. The third section is how to look for the ideal wife.

Kids are interesting, tell us.

It wasn't like parents went and found a girl, and then the marriage was fixed. Men were sent to learn how to please women. As ancient India believed that if you please your wife fully, your business will do better.

The temple of Khujrao?

If you look at those statues, there are about 5% of them are about group sex. The rest of them are actually more erotic. You don't think they are.

Is the god of work Kamdev?

No, Saraswati ji.

Then she is Vidya's deity.

I know. This is supposed to be from Vidya.

Why do girls always get attracted to older girls? And which boy at your youngest age tried to approach you?

15 years old.

What's his age?

63.

When I read you or check your comment section, I get two types of perceptions. One, that either your marriage is broken or your husband is a very good shot.

Both are wrong. People go and tell him, Wow, you're married to Seema. You're so lucky. And he says to them, No, he only knows theory.

He doesn't know anything practical.

Why do people listen to you? Because you're beautiful? Because you keep things very well?

Maybe because I'm bringing out the little tiny stories. If your husband is telling this story, do you think people listen to it? I'll say this, I don't know.

Have you been trolled for this?

A lot of the men who come and troll women, this is their way of masturbating.

And after seeing your reels, have your own ever been uncomfortable?

A lot. I have lost friends. In the group of my best friends, I've been called a corporate call girl.

In a situation where one person is in high demand, if that person is expressing himself through his wife or his wife is expressing herself through her husband and that person refuses,

what is the right thing to do?

What we decided, there's got to be a halfway point. We started doing it. Everyday, for 15 minutes. minute. We have skin to skin time. We lie down naked. And we talk about our day.

Have you ever lost your mind?

Of course, I'm only human.

When I'm getting intimate with my partner, I'm thinking of my ex. Is this normal?

This is very normal. It does happen. You can get rid of it.

The weirdest question is the one that you forced me to think of.

So this woman said that her husband wants her to have a low level of excitement. He said that he wants her to have sex with someone and he wants to see it.

I'm in my 30s. I begin feeling intentionally aroused by trans women.

A lot of people are asking if it's a fantasy to be with trans people.

To what extent is it wrong to explore fantasies? What are the best and worst cases?

A lot of people think that French kiss is when you hold someone's hand, hug them, speak to them, kiss their throat.

Okay.

It's written in the Constitution that the best kiss is the one that is the least touchable.

Is it a good thing to talk bad about your partner? It's a very good thing. The country where the Kamsutra was written, the temples built like Khujrao, even today we are not comfortable about these things. We have made the most important things unimportant in the society. Today, the guests with me are those who keep things easy. The things that are difficult to argue about. Or the things that are a part of everyone's life, but perhaps everyone has made the biggest taboo about them. this Please take a seat. I have with me, Sree Manan ji. Welcome. Thank you so much. How are you?

I am absolutely fine. Thank you Shubhankar. I loved your introduction. I just want to say one thing. I have just reached India. I am tired and jet lagged. When I am tired, I break out in English.

So, please interrupt me if I talk too much in English. No problem. We will say it with love. Please remind me.

When was the last time someone said to you that you are very beautiful?

You are so sweet. Thank you. I say this to myself in the morning.

Okay.

Because that just helps me get the day on.

I have read your book and I have seen many of your reels. And after seeing your reels, the subject was a part of every person's life. But the things that people should have been comfortable with, are the people around you, I am not talking about social media, I am talking about your family, your own people. I am sure you live in England, but you are from Roots to India.

Have you ever had any difficulties?

A lot.

Have you ever been asked by your loved ones, what are you doing?

Not just what are you doing, I have lost friends, my have been called corporate call girl. I have been called by my best friends. People whom I considered as my friends, I have heard it from everywhere.

Okay.

And the thing is that at some point I discovered that I have to do this subject. And it started with that I... So, I have always worked with stories. I work with stories, mythologies, narratives. Because I believe that they are so powerful. Because the way we tell stories, I particularly work with women's narratives,

our identity is established through those stories for women. So, if you tell a story that a man comes home drunk and beats his wife, but she is very nice, she is so nice that she never says anything to him, she never insults him outside. She is like a Goddess.

Now you've created the identity that the woman who stays quiet is a good woman. The one who opens her mouth, that's not a good woman. So now you've created an identity. So I've always worked with identities. 27 years ago, I had a daughter. She's my third child.

And I was sitting up one night and breastfeeding her and I thought that we tell stories of all kinds but we never tell stories where a woman has the permission to call her body her own. That is someone's property. A woman's body, her pleasure depends on someone else's permission. And I suddenly thought, I don't want this world for my daughter. I want to make a change. Which would have talked about a woman's right to her own body. Where are they? We wrote the Kamsutra. So I thought let me go and look

for them. So I started my studies in this 25 years ago 25 years later I'm still studying it. Kyonki it is a fabulous subject and particularly Jo India ke Kaamshastra hai. They are amazing. Unlike, Kyonki you've got the old erotic texts sari duniya se. Persia, Japan, China etc. But those are very male orientated. India's texts, weirdly, they are written from the point of view of a woman's pleasure. They are dependent on a woman's pleasure. Because ancient India believed that if a woman has pleasure fully, then university is in its balance. That the famines, floods etc. come, it's because the earth has forgotten her pleasure.

So 2000 years ago, in Kamsutra, the Kama Utsav mentioned ki gaye hain. They are not like Valentine's Day. They are not for couples. These were done. Yeh ladies celebrate karti thi. Rituals ladies ke haath mein thi.

And they were for the earth to bring her to her pleasure. So all that erotic vocabulary usko transfer kiya ja was transferred through rituals to the earth. So this is where we actually come from. They say that when Kamdev is killed, when Shiv Ji destroys Kamdev, so Rati, his wife, she wants to kill herself. She says I don't want to live. So all the otherities say no you can't because the world can't exist without love, desire, love, affection. How will the world exist without it?

So you carry on his work and eventually we will bring back Kamdev. So most of the texts are written by her. So they're written from a female's point of view.

Nice.

Now, I have a question in my mind while listening to you. What is your analysis? Why do people listen to you? Because you are beautiful? Because you keep things very decently? Or because a woman, the subject you have kept,

is associated with people even though she is a woman. So I think, ek toh kyunki main hamare purane shastron ke baare baat kar rahi hoon, which is always exciting, logon ko accha lagta hai. But also, kyunki jo kaam sutra ke baare normally humne seekha also, even when I started studying it, what did we think? Yeh ek positions par kitab hai. That's it, right? Maybe because, which most people still think which we are trying to change. But maybe because I'm actually bringing out the Sringhar Ras that it was written with

and the little tiny stories because they're truly beautiful. I don't know. I hope that that's the reason. I don't know.

If your husband was narrating this story, do you think people would listen to it?

No, because he's not a storyteller. He doesn't know how to tell a story. He's a very typical man. I'll tell you this. When I say this, he is much older than me. He is 73.

How much gap between you both?

10 years, 11 years almost. He likes to pontificate. I have noticed that when women want to say something, they talk a little bit fast because they need to get that out before somebody interrupts them. People talk very calmly because they know that people will listen to them. He would like to pontificate.

I personally think that if a person was talking about this, he would be heard a lot more.

Why is that?

Because he is a man. He would have the authority that people would listen to. There are so many men, even in our country, who have very little knowledge, but how confidently they say things and people listen.

I asked this question because when I go on a flight, I often see air hostesses as women. I go to a hotel, there are men, but more women are kept. They are kept at the reception of the office. Even in the world of TV, if there are 10 anchors in every channel, then 6 or 7 of them are women.

2 or 3 are men. Men are usually the ones who are very experienced. And I tried to understand this many times, from different perspectives. So, they said that one are easygoing and attractive. That's why they are kept. Now, I'm asking the same question again. Is this true, what I said?

Fair enough. I think definitely, like in front-facing jobs, ladies are kept more. You're right.

Why? What difference does it make? I should be concerned about how my room is, how the services are. What difference will that two-minute smile make to me?

Maybe it puts you in a good mood. I don't know. I don't know. All I know is is maybe this is just the thinking that's carried forward I mean you think how many years this patriarchy has been going on that has made the rules for this it'll take time to change when I was young I finished college I wanted to do hotel management I went to Oberoi's to apply. I was told that there is a birthmark on your cheek because of which we cannot give you a front-facing job because we don't want that any of our clients see someone who has a scar on their face. That was their

exact line to me. What does it mean? That it obviously distracts from how you look maybe and That's why they are presenting you as an object.

Absolutely.

But I have a counter question on this. Women also come to the hotel. Why didn't we respect their views? Women also watch TV. Women also travel by flight.

But now it's changing slowly. It's going to take time. It won't change so soon.

Indigo belongs to all women.

Exactly.

Now they...

And most of the flights are made by Indigo.

Really? Okay, wow. Now we will have to ask the Indigo people. We will have to ask them.

You...

Because you talk a lot on this subject. So, I will bring two common perceptions for you.

Okay, let me just answer this without feeling that I am going to offend anybody. Okay. I personally think women are more efficient.

Okay, that's your point of view. I respect it.

So, I just think that there is an efficiency, there is an ability to think laterally, which just works better. Like in my team, we are mostly women. We are all ladies. I just find it so easy to work with them.

Is it difficult to work with men?

I think it is more difficult to explain things to them.

How?

I don't know. If I give even the smallest instruction, it is always more difficult. You have to repeat it.

Are you more easy going with women?

Maybe.

It could be anything. I am just telling you that on a personal experience, how easy it is for me.

Many years ago, a friend of mine told me that 70-80% of women are bisexual. They don't know that. That's why they are more natural than women. Can I put this thought here?

You can definitely present this thought. But the thing is, what does bisexual mean for you?

I am natural in both. Are you talking only about sex? No, more than that.

I think that women are taught more about emotional availability. Maybe we just understand how to talk to each other using more emotions. Maybe we are more welcoming. I don't know. But definitely, my friendships, not just friendships, but even if I have a day free, who will I choose to spend that day with? A man or a woman? I will pick a woman whether I am bisexual whether I just find it easier to talk to them there are a few men in my life who are really good friends

with whom I can talk like this which is great but at some point they will say something to really irritate you sorry Sorry, I don't know. I cannot explain it. And yes, maybe your audience are going to hate me for this.

But no, no.

This podcast is not for every viewer. This is for those who have not come with a clear understanding. I don't think that's even possible.

Everyone brings a clear understanding. I think in my last few years, I have not been able to do this. I have not been that's even possible. I believe that if I can understand, then others can too. I certainly hope so.

You say it, so it's very good. Yeah, so okay, for most people, if they say bisexual, it is to do with your sexual inclinations. That's for most people. That you are sexually attracted towards both or more than one gender. I do believe that your sexuality is not only based on your sexual desires.

It's also who you feel safe with, who you feel comfortable with. Because relationships are made with all of those factors also.

So the line that someone told me, 70-80% of the time, because you read more about this topic than me, you understand more, you talk more, you meet people.

Can I tell you something?

Yes.

I think most men are also bisexual. Okay, interesting point of view. Recently, I interviewed two young male sex workers. And they told me that 70-80% of their clients are straight married men. Straight married men. I have just released a book and there is actually a couple of questions that we have answered in it. That's the one. One man wrote that his wife has just died and he said that I find that I am completely straight

but I have started going to male sex workers just for my pleasure. I don't need emotional support from them but I find pleasure better over there. Another person wrote that he is a much younger man saying that I wanted to experiment. I've been now to somebody and it was so pleasurable that I am now starting to worry. Because we give labels like this, they are hard and fast labels. So I also want people to understand that bisexuality is not a scary thing. You can actually be, everybody is on that spectrum. There are no hard and fast rules.

Okay.

I would like to get more feedback from people and would like to understand more.

And he says that, you know, because for men it is a lot more, I mean, the fact, they are scared even to talk about it because they feel that someone will say something about their masculinity.

So, there are guys who are visible, who you meet and realize. The guys you are talking about are normal guys, who you cannot understand by looking at them. Like, you talk to some of them, hug them, hug them, or have tea with them, you realize that

maybe they are on the spectrum. But there are many people who believe that they're fully straight. But I think, and maybe they are, I'm not even going to say that they're not straight.

They must have experimented a lot in life.

I'm not even going to say that they're bisexual. If they say that we are only straight, I am happy to go with that. All I'm saying is that the desires that come, you cannot actually contain them in a box.

When I read about you or check your comment section, I get two types of perceptions. One, that either your marriage is broken.

You're a single woman. Yeah.

Who is exploring life.

Absolutely.

Talking to people. Such a perspective, such a perception is formed.

Absolutely.

And one,

Either you or your husband is doing very well. Because if you are so smart and explaining the world, then your husband must have become perfect. And he must be having a great time with you.

Easy, peaceful life.

Yeah. Neither of those are correct Dono galat hai So, bohot log sochte hain ki mera divorce ho chuk hai as a matter of fact main ek event kiya tha dilli mein couple of years ago and at the end ek bohot young aadmi very young I think he was 25, he got married recently and this was actually quite scary. He came up to me at the end of it and he said, because I was talking about pleasure, not about sex, there is a big difference, we are going to talk about

that, pleasure is very different to sex. So he comes up to me and he says are you married I said yes he said no, are you still married I said yes he said do you have kids? I said yes then he went quiet I said what happened he said no the way you were talking I thought you are divorced and now you are exploring pleasure

So people also feel that with their wife or husband

Pleasure cannot be explored I didn't ask a question

What was that?

Are you happily married?

But ok, we will come to that in a minute These happily married people have asked me a lot When somebody comes to flirt they will say are you married? Yes because if I say no to somebody they are not ready to listen to me

they have to feel that I am somebody else's property I am sorry I am married then they will say sorry sorry another man owns you they won't hit on you well not as much

if you say I am not married but I don't want you, they will keep trying to convince you. So that's one thing. But I just feel that people feel and I felt really bad because this guy is very young. You think how young he is. He has got married so many times and he is already thinking that nai nai shadi uski hui hai and he's already thinking ke agar truly pleasure explore karna hai, wo bidi ke saath nahi ho sakta hai because we have this right, we have

this conditioning ke yeh girlfriend material hai, yeh wife material hai uske saath isi tarah se salukh ho sakta hai. You have that perception unfortunately. You think ke yeh aage jaa kar how soon will he get into an affair? It is likely to happen far sooner, right? Kyuki aap soch rahe ho ke jo mujhe karna hai, jo meri desires hai, jo meri fantasies hai, main beevi ko nahi keh sakta hai because I am only supposed to respect her. This is a very interesting question actually that we will talk about, jo book mein bhi hai.

Your second question that, then you're both okay. We are two very normal human beings. We fight and argue. He's now 73. Do you know that at 73, men become so rude. And the more open-minded he was when he was younger, it changes. He's become so annoying.

Has he become possessive at this age?

No, not possessive. I think that as people get older, he's now retired. I'm not. He needs a project. I'm his project. I'm the only thing that occupies his mind. It's crazy. You want to explore your life. I am doing stuff. I'm busy. I actually have things to do. He just has my accounts to do. I mean that's his entire life. It's very very difficult.

So what is the weirdest thing your husband has said to you? In this loneliness. Oh! One weird thing, no come on.

He is a Punjabi man of 73. Life has been weird only till now. It is not like that he is one thing. No but honestly, okay. The weirdest thing that he ever said was because people go and tell him

Wow! You are married to Seema. You are so lucky. And he says to them that no, he only knows theory. He doesn't know anything practical. He's just jealous because I know theory and practical

Did you get trolled about him?

About husband?

About these conversations? Did you get trolled about your husband?

All the time because I never put his photo on the... I don't put my family on my social media.

Why?

I think something should be private. My family life is private. As a matter of fact, when I go to work, like if I have work events, I don't take my family. I never take my husband along to that. First of all, he has some very weird political opinions. Let's speak in Hindi. Sorry, sorry, sorry. His politics are off the charts.

He must be a fan of Modi ji. He is more right wing. I am completely left wing. See, it's not that hard to guess. I think that happens to most men as they get older. Why? Why is it so?

Okay, you tell me this. What happens to men when they get older?

This will be another point of this.

Okay, fine.

We will do it another time. But yeah, one thing is, and and then and I don't answer questions ke wo because log ye bhi kahenge if I talk about ke for instance I will say ke dekhiye zindagi mein aap chahe you might be in love with somebody par aapko aur logon se attraction zarur hogi.

It is normal. Sabko hoti hai you have to learn to manage it. Wo aapki zimawari hai. What you do with it. Yeh le kar troll hote hain. Either it is ke theek hai pehle usse bata mean, trolling chaltiye kyunki in logon ko, I personally think, ki a lot of the men jo auraton ko aakar troll karte hain, this is their way of masturbating. Yeh inka jerk off hai. Kyunki a lot of these men, in no woman will talk to them or there is no

woman in their life whom they can talk to. So, they will put comments on social media because they know that this is an actual real woman. Then they realize that if they abuse them, a lot of the women will answer back to tell them off. They'll come and fight. This becomes their excitement. So that's why those abuses become worse and worse because there is more interaction.

Before I move on to the common questions, one last question about your husband.

Oh, okay.

I hope Rahul don't listen to this podcast.

What is the weirdest complaint he has made to you? Because I am sure that he must have received complaints and tic-tac.

Yes, yes, he gets complaints every day. But...

What is the most annoying thing he has said to you? Because there are two sides to every coin.

What has he said to me the most?

What is the most complaint? What is the biggest complaint or what did I say to stop you? Because even after understanding, sometimes a person says something. What has been the most repetitive. At least do this for me. Rest is fine. And you have to be honest.

I can, I will be. But I'm just saying, how easy is it for you? If I say something and then you say that all my audience ran away.

No problem, I don't do everything for numbers.

Second most thing that he has said is that I don't cook. I don't like cooking at all. So I don't cook. He would want better food.

Okay. This is in men's fantasies.

And the most amount of complaining is that you do self-pleasure, that's why you don't want to have sex as much as I want. Okay. She doesn't want to have sex as many times as I want. So, just to give you a distance, now that you have asked, I will tell you. Because I was embarrassed, so I left home. He has decided to keep a...

Yeah, and this is... Like I always... people say that how often is the right amount? There is no such thing. There is no such thing that if someone wants it once a week, someone wants it five times a week, someone wants it once a month, it depends on two people together.

Is it because you have less need or because you have less attraction and interest in your husband?

No, no, it's not that. I just find, like I said, he's retired. He now feels that I have retired. I don't have anything else to do. This is something I can do every day. Honestly, that is the way a lot of men think at a certain age.

They feel that they should do this three times a day because I don't have nothing else to do. I am not busy with anything else.

So, there are two questions on this. We are taking common questions. A married person, you have a right view that he is retired or that person. Now, there are two points of view on this. One is that a person is talking to his wife. He is expressing himself in front of his wife.

And you have asked me this on a public forum. Now what am I going to do?

No, this is done.

You know how much trolling is going to come in my part because of this.

No, but your point of view is that you are marital. There are issues in marital. This is a very serious topic. Because of which marital rapes are a common topic. Rapes were not even accepted. Many women are facing this. This is not a topic of trolling.

It is a serious topic. That is why I took it further and asked a question. On right and wrong. The question is, in such a condition, where one person has more demand

and one person has less need, if that person is expressing it to his wife or wife is expressing it to her husband, and that person refuses, what is the right thing? To kill your mind, to go out and live it somewhere else, or the third case for which we hear about marital rape cases.

So, what we have decided, there's got to be a halfway point. A lot of men say that actually, this decision is always a woman's. Why is it? That a man says, I want. And actually, mostly. Because it can also happen that the demand of a woman is more and the man doesn't want it. That can also happen that the demand of a woman is more and the man doesn't want it. That can also equally happen.

So, the one who is asking for more and the person who wants it less, the decision is theirs, the person who is asking for less, because eventually, if you fight and have sex, that's the worst thing you can do. I mean, what is the point? Right? So we have actually come to an understanding that every time... First of all, we have made this definition that sex is about penetration, which is not. So this is what I am trying to actually say. I am trying to tell everyone to change their definitions so that you can do other things that can fit in with the idea of intimacy.

Okay.

Okay. And one of the things that I recommend, which we started doing in our life, is that every day.

Hindi.

Hindi.

Daily. Sorry, I said I am tired. No problem. I can see tired of seeing you, my eyes are closing, I am sleepy

I will try to make the conversation more interesting

This is jet lag, sorry it's not you, you got me on my toes thinking oh my god what all I am saying on this camera and what all is going to happen now. Anyway, everyday for 15 minutes we have what we call skin to skin time. We lie down naked with each other and we talk about our day. It's not sexual talk. It is about today I made this reel, today I had this meeting, he'll tell me that I am new in politics, what did he hear, whatever. But the things that happen in the day, we do that, but we have thought that we are skin to skin. Because that's the first thing, when we say that when we lose attraction, attention, interest, when you lose it, you forget what it feels like to just touch somebody else's skin. The warmth of holding someone, that thing of

just holding somebody because when you're just cuddling or hugging at any other time it's not the same. The intimacy without pressure it is absolutely fantastic and it keeps your relationship connected because you're still together and as you enjoy that time I mean I love the feel of his skin under my hat it's warm it feels nice you're cuddling pressure bilkul nahi hai you extend that time mujhe lagta hai

ke okay pandhra minute pehle pehle you know because I'd be achha nahi mujhe utke phir yeh karna hai mujhe wo karna hai. Main timer laga ke yeh karti thi. Now I don't I don't put a timer we let it go on to whatever time we want. So this is how humne ye hurdle overcome kiya hai because I also travel a lot. Main jab wapas jaati hoon mere aur meetings hai, kaam hai, ye hai, wo hai. There is this thing in your head ki oh my god now I have to stop and I have to do this. Hota hai. We all have that thing in our head, oh my god now I have to stop and I have to do this. It happens, we all have that thing in our head.

The fights had started, there is also a certain age. We have been married for 40 years now, on the 1st of December it will be 40 years. There is a certain pattern that you fall into, it happens. You have to figure out how to fix this. You have to, and going out and cheating is not the way.

Do you think anyone has ever cheated? Because they have more needs?

I hope not, but I don't know. I really don't know because, and I'll tell you something. If it has ever happened, because I travel a lot and I feel that if we have to maintain this trust, I have to do my part in it. So I have to believe in what he says. And I have to make sure that I maintain the boundaries at all times.

I asked this question because there was a show by Tajol Twinkle Khanna, and this part was discussed a lot. Two parts were discussed. One part, in which Twinkle said, emotional cheating damages more than physical cheating.

After a certain age, it is realized. She said, this is Janhvi Kapoor. When you are of our age, then you will realize that physical cheating happens, it happens. Sometimes it is wrong. Emotional cheating damages more.

Yeah, I don't agree with that. I think yeh bahut problem rahi hai again and I'll tell you why I think it's a damaging thing to say. Kyuki yeh jo stereotype hai yeh ban gaya hai. So jab young couples mere paas aatein especially if they're going out together or newly married or whatever. So aadmi kahega ke bhai mere to hookups the, it doesn't mean anything. But your relationship where you were in love, that means it's much worse. So, a woman is manipulated by saying this. In fact, not just any sex, even if you say it meant nothing,

emotions are always involved, even if you label those emotions. And just because men are not taught that emotions should be acknowledged, emotions are there and actually it's worse for the men because then they can't acknowledge it and then those emotions come out differently. But no, you cannot rank cheating. You cannot say this is a little bit of cheating, this ye achi wali cheating hai, ye buri wali cheating hai, ye aise nahi ho sakta.

Aapke bachche ne kabhi kaha ki aapki baatein unhe ashaash karte hai?

Actually mere bachche have been…

Kyuki wo toh nahi generation ke hai, unka nazariye kya hai?

Mere bachche have been amazing, they have been my biggest support. Because in the beginning, when I started this work, my husband came and said a lot to me. That you can't do this, we are being humiliated, people will call you a slut, etc.

You are spoiling the culture of the country. This is not a part of our culture.

And my kids told him that if someone comes and calls mom a slut, then your job is to shut them up. Not to say, that mom, why are you doing this?

Did she think you were a Punjabi?

Or did she agree with you?

That whatever she is doing, I don't care. I don't want to think about it.

Now he is very proud of it. Now of course, he is thrilled. But in the beginning, there were a lot of problems. We faced that. But my kids are amazing. They have always supported me.

Let's start with the first question. What is the difference between sex and pleasure? Because common perception is what gives pleasure.

That gives pleasure, but how does it build up? You had said something earlier about Shakti so in ancient India they believed that pleasure is Shakti pleasure is a Shakti, it's not just sexual so when this Shakti awakens in us, what happens? It wakes you up. All your nerve endings come alive. Your brain starts to buzz. Everything about you becomes different. You are suddenly alive. Pleasure's opposite is numb.

When you feel dead, you doesn't matter and so on. So we believe that if you raise pleasure, you know when we talk tantra or all of these rituals, that the rituals of raising pleasure, withath you reach a higher consciousness. It's not about sexual pleasure. It is literally ke aap apni shakti raise kar rahe hain apne aap mein. So you reach that higher consciousness because aista aista kar ke you become more and more and more aware. You get your pleasure to a certain point. You suddenly realize that now I can feel this much.

To the next point. I don't know how to explain this because it's about building self-awareness. In Tantra it is said that you raise your pleasure, you raise your Shakti so much that you eventually become so aware that you can see the molecules with your naked eye. This should be the awareness. I don't know about you, but most of the time we are so drowned in many other things that your brain becomes numb. You are not listening to or seeing half of the things. They are passing you by various other things so pleasure is actually where you

feel every little bit inside you the experience is different the next time I want you to try that hold back jab ke aap sochhein sex ke baare to instead of saying achha theek hai four places shuru kiya kising se shuru kiya ab is point par you think about sex. So instead of saying, okay, I started with four-plays, I started with kissing, now I have come to this point, now I have penetration. Slow down. Actually feel that everything that you are doing, every touch,

what is its sensation?

You wrote a book, Art of Seduction. Today we are talking about the second book. The topic in that book, Art of Seduction, if you could explain it to us in simple words.

So I always say that seduction is not what you do to anyone else. You are not out to seduce anyone. Seduction is a state of mind. How do you feel? How alive is your mind? When you step out there, are you, who are you basically? Are you this person who has this in his mind that okay I have to wear this clothes, I have to go and impress her or have you impressed yourself?

And it just becomes your persona.

It becomes your personality.

You know, I'll tell you a story.

So when I started working on this Kama Sutra,

Kama Sutra is like any of the other Shastras.

Even if you know Sanskrit, you won't understand it because every word is written in a metaphor. When we write things, like if you go to read Bhagavad Gita, just because you can read Sanskrit, you won't understand it because every word has a meaning, a back meaning. So it's the same with this. I was trying to read it slowly. Till I finally got to a point where I learnt that how in those days women were taught that how to position for the right kind of pleasure because you can do the same position

jisme aapko kuch pleasure nahi milne wala it is basically mechanical ya thoda baut milega but right way me karne se how pleasurable it is aur yeh sikhaya jaata tha gehne pehne ke so different gehnas jis tarah se wo gehna aapke sharir pe move karta hai So different gehnas, the way that jewellery moves on your body, that was taught you position. So if during lovemaking, if the woman is up, which by the way in the ancient world, in other places this was forbidden because this was position of power. So the woman was not permitted. Kamsutra says it was permitted. But to do this,

you wore a mekhla on the waist with a lot of ghoomroos. Now, if you see this in porn, just to explain, because nowadays that's where you learn from, right? That's what most people will do. Who teaches you how to position? Either it's hit and what most people will do. Kaun sikhata hai aake position kaise karni hai? Either it's hit and miss. Yaar log jaake porn pe dekhenge.

Hala ki mere aaye ek sexologist aayi thi, Dr. Q. Trish, she said ki, Rohit Shetty ki filmon se action aur porn filmon se sex mat seekhe.

Bilkul na seekhe. That's where they will watch it. Film is film. Camera needs action. So what do they show? They will show that the woman is on top. And then she is bouncing. Now this bouncing does not give any pleasure to the woman. So Kamsutra says that she wore a mikhla with her anklets.

And the idea was that the sound of the anklets should not be heard.

Okay.

Now you have to figure out how you move. Now you automatically know that you cannot bounce. So you are now trying to figure out, back and forth, slightly round and round. So you know that you have to lean forward.

How far forward?

For this you have to wear long thorns. You lean forward how far forward you lean forward it falls here okay you're leaning forward it had that I just be a swing Karna Shukri when it's an unbroken swing you have your pace right now not only is that the right position, jisme jitne aapke sensitive points hai as a woman wo stimulate honge but forget all that yeh soch kar the pleasure that it gives you the excitement of just thinking ke its such a thing of beauty. You are learning this by wearing some jewellery.

It's just mind blowing.

That's the difference.

I have two questions in my mind.

First question.

So, is it that people lose interest in intimacy with their partners. In today's world. For example, I had a friend. He was flirting with someone. I asked him, your child has just been born. Why are you doing this?

Don't you love your wife? I love her a lot. But after two years of marriage, it happens that if your wife changes her clothes, you turn your face. You had it enough, more than enough. And what I am doing here, flirt or whatever, it makes my life easy.

I don't get mentally frustrated. I go home. I am working hard for my child, family. I love them very much. But this has erased my mental frustration disappear. Is this way of not learning or just doing it for sake of doing it, is that the reason why people are losing interest in their partners?

No, I think that…

I mean, this is a very common point of view. This is the maximum marriage in today's time.

This is not only in today's time. This has always been the case. Earlier, there was no social media. We did not know this. This used to happen earlier as well. You know, keeping intimacy alive, this is what I am saying, this thing of pleasure, anyone can have sex. Keeping pleasure to that point where you feel it between you

that is a very difficult thing and people do it differently but whatever it is in whichever way you do it, it takes effort. You tell me that have you ever been taught about relationships?

No.

Has anyone ever told you about relationships? I'll tell you what I was told when I got married. If you have a fight, don't sleep on the fight. Okay. Don't go to sleep on a fight. How? How? How do you make it up? Did anybody tell me? No.

So, no one teaches you about relationships. If someone does teach you about relationships, it's things like, don't fight, go out, you know.

Girls still fight with their mothers.

No, no, no.

Girls are not taught either. I learnt about what I was going to do in bed the night before I got married. I was 23. And even though I have this reputation, yeah, I was a virgin.

And my friend told me the night before and she told me so much nonsense she said, you have to remember, it will be very painful I mean so much crap and she was a doctor so, I am sorry, nobody is told and nobody says that when this boredom sets in, because it does, everything, whether you go running because you love running, you go weightlifting, everything is set in by boredom. How do you cross that wall? It's got to be done, right? Whether you're taught the technique or not, one thing that is never said is that it takes

effort. It's not going to happen like that. Vatsyayan has written in Kamsutra's introduction. He says that, because Kamsutra by the way, it is about pleasure. In this, positions are mentioned but there is no act of sex. So they talk about kissing, oral sex, love bites, everything.

So it's all about pleasure. It's not about the act of penetration. And it says that a woman takes a lot of time to get to the right place. And he says, now we are telling men that you should spend that long bringing a woman to pleasure like this. So why should men listen? Because for centuries they have been able to just get their pleasure very quickly, ejaculate.

Why should they take so much time?

So he says, you have to make it aspirational.

So he writes that if you

fully pleasure your wife,

your business will do better. Your profit margins will go up.

Now that's that is very motivational.

Indirectly, he is right. Absolutely.

Life will be easy.

Absolutely. He says that. He says you'll become a better warrior. If you can do this. Because your body, your body is limited. You can do only one thing.

Whatever fantasies you have in your mind, you can do that with your body. So when you are with each other and you can do the same thing, you can do a small addition which can bring a surprise, which can make it different. That is the best skill that you can bring to the battlefield and to the corporate field. I say, try it. Bring your wife to pleasure then look at your profit statements after six months and come back to me.

Repeat it in Hindi.

Again? Okay.

This line. Okay. The people who understand, understand.

Okay. You should fully pleasure your wife. Fully pleasure her. And after six months, send me your profit statements.

Now, in this, a person will say that there are two things. One is perception, the other is reality.

Okay.

Your husband is Siddharthji. He is very simple about men. You could not teach him in 40 years. You have been reading books for 25 years. Siddharthji hai. Aur mardon ke baare mein vade simple hote. Chalay saal mein aap sikha paye hoon hai?

25 saal sir kitabe pura jo.

Thoda baut sikha paye hain.

Ache businessmen banne ho?

Businessmen the hi nahi. But it's okay. Yeah. There has been profit margins.

Remember theory mujhe pata. I know that. But whether you become a good teacher or not is another thing. You also talked about kisses. I saw a reel earlier. You were defining kiss.

Okay.

Okay. Let's do this.

When you are learning, you learn everything.

Yes, when you are learning, you learn everything.

Speak easy.

So, how is the best kiss? And what are the kisses?

Okay. So again, it is written in Kamsutra that the best kiss kaise hoti hai? And kya ki kisses hoti hai? Okay, so again, Kamsutra mein likha hai that the best kiss actually is jo sabse least touch ho. Ab bahut logon ko lagta hai ki French kiss. Seeda kisi ko pakda, jakda, apni zabaan, unke throat ke bheer. It's just horrible. No, that is not what you want. Okay. It says, If you start kissing, rub your lower lip with your partner's lower lip. No touch. If you are sitting with her, wrap your finger around one bit of hair. She is sitting with you. That's it. No touch. Just lower lip to lower lip. Do you know that with this anticipation you can feel each other's breath.

It's hot when that breath touches you. Okay? It's a warm breath on you. And when they breathe in, it feels cold. That temperature play is unbelievable.

Okay.

This is the best one?

Well, it's the first one. At least do this much first. I mean, if I tell you all of them, won't there be confusion? Nice. Well, it's the first one. Do this much first. I mean, if I tell you everything, then I mean, like, there won't be any confusion.

Nice. What was the weirdest comment that you received? According to you. The one that bothered you a little. One is that you ignore it.

One is that you forget to think.

Okay.

So actually, what bothers me most is that our sex education is so low, I actually still get comments regularly from people saying that you can't get pregnant with oral sex. Regularly.

It's literally everything. Okay. In modern day education, things are still not taught. Dr. Cutrus told me that his biology teacher told him to read this chapter from home. He is a doctor. He also gets the opposite comments. But did sex education used to be there in ancient times?

Certainly, itikhaya toh jaata tha because even, achha dekhi aap Kamsutra mein for instance, Kamsutra saath sections mein likhi hai. The third section is how to look for the ideal wife. Main bata rahi hoon.

It's an interesting one.

Bata rahi hoon. Just to like give you an example of what I mean. Fourth section was how do you marry her? Matlab how do you make her fall in love with you so that she wants to marry you? So that means ke ye nahi tha ki acha ji humne maabap ne jaa ke ladki dhund liya bas rishta aagaya ab isi ke saath shaadi karni etc. It wasn't like that. There was there's a whole section j they say how to send messages,

what kind of messages should be sent. In the Sam Sutra? Yes, it's the fourth section.

There were no messages at that time?

Yes, different types. There's no text messages. But there were less letters because women were not taught to read and write at that time. So, it was mostly different ways of sending messages. Chaahe, acha, jaise different types of paan, har paan ke apna message tha, different shape of paan. Different things jaise aapke masala hai, ab haldi ki potli ka yeh matlab aur garam masala ki potli ka yeh matlab hota tha. So there were different messages. Lekin, kis tarah se is aurat ko you make her fall in love with you?

Aap kisko chunenge ki aap apne naukar ko bhej rahe hain usko ye message dene ke liye? But do you trust him ki wo aur kisi se paise le ke ye na keh de ke bhai wo message usse aaya. message this is all written over there so the point is that you had to be really careful make her fall in love with you. You are win over her and the reason I bring this up is that you said that what was taught in the olden days, I think that ladies were taught. Men were sent to courtesans. At least men of a certain social status. I mean ordinary people maybe not. But they were sent to learn how to please women.

How to become a good lover. Auraton ko bhi sikhaya jaata tha.

Okay, nice. Yeh Suhaag Raat aur Doodh concept kya hai? Yeh filmon jo dikhate hai.

Sorry. I mean obviously kahin na kahin, kuch na kuch, there is some miscommunication. So, beevi ke saath toh there would have been suhaag raat only, you know, I mean, jo courtesans thi, they were different. But, ab doodh would have been, ki acha energy ke liye zyada, I guess.

Wo hi main soch sakti hoon, I can't think of anything else. in ancient India, were people as shy, hesitant or so much into it as they are today?

I am sure that at some point, there must have been such a society. Because there were always people who believed in one side and others who believed in the other. So, there is always people like that. Khajuraho temples were built about a thousand years ago, 1100 years approximately. Agar aap un moortiyon ko dekho, they are about 5% shayad jo actually group sex ke baare hain. The rest of them don't look it.

Lekin those ones actually wo zyada erotic than you think. Because, as I said, for instance, when I was talking about the girdle, in our Jain literature, very often you will read in the stories, then the ladies came with their jingling girdles. If you don't know what it means, you don't know what it means. Right? Similarly, a lot of the murtis over there, you don't understand what it means,

but the idea is that all these things represent your erotic pleasure. All these mur, somehow. And that erotic pleasure was very important. Because the normal houses were not there. I mean, it's mostly temples survived from thousand years ago. The houses of normal people, they have been destroyed now. But everybody would have had

a couple of these sculptures outside their house. It was supposed to show Barkat. Lovemaking showed that it is for growth and prosperity. So outside all these houses, there would have been a couple of these statues.

So they were more liberal than us.

They believed differently. It's not about liberal. It's about the fact that they believed that this is a good thing or this is necessary.

Like group sex is a bad thing for a common person.

Now, group sex is also like how it is done, how it is shown. I mean there is all sorts of stuff. Like Kamsutra is actually, it's just an accountancy ledger. It just defines things. It's a treatise. It's not like you have to show emotions or anything. It just says what people do, what is good, what are the consequences and what are the feelings. That is how it's described.

Let me give you an example. Like outside Khhajuraho, there is one of the murti of a woman playing with a ball. She was holding the ball like this. This was called Kandukrida. It was supposed to be very sexy. It was taught. Now, this Kandukrida is only shown in Mohini Atta.

That too, between Krishna and Balram. They are playing with a game. in the film, that too between Krishna and Balram. At that point, on the 13th day of the month, in the honour of Devi, a woman, a princess normally would perform this. So the way you throw the ball up, you hold it, you know, you are sweating, you are getting a little pink, whatever. It made you very, very sexy and in our literature, it always shows that where this dance ends,

then there's always a romantic scene after that. So, that was supposed to show one aspect of love or arousal. So is tarah se there is a whole lot. They believe that a lot of people also say ke agar ye murtiyaan bahar lagi hui hain, ke idhar aap ye soch ke dekh kar phir andar jayiye taan ki apne aap ko saaf kar ke apne ye sari ichhain bahar chod ke.

That's not it. It was actually ke aap apne ichhain raise karke jayiye. You raise your shakti kyunki Bhagwan tak pahunchne ke liye wo dead ho ke aap nahin ja sakte. Your mind has to be buzzing. So this was about raising your shakti. It's just a different way of thinking.

Is Kamsutra's deity Kamdev?

No, Saraswati ji.

She is Vidya's deity.

This is supposed to be from Vidya.

I hope she is not a troll.

It is written there. She is the patron deity. Okay.

Why don't people know about this?

Because who knows about Kamsutra? You tell me, who doesn't know about Kamsutra? Only positions know about it.

Should they know?

Absolutely. Why? It says that, first of all, Kamsutra was written for men. 300 something AD when it is written, at that time ladies were not taught to read and write. This is written for men. Women were not really that important in society even then.

Yes, means fight, loot money, loot girls.

More or less. So, this was written for men and the first section is that how to make your home, how many hours a man should get a massage, how many hours

a man should talk to his parrot. What are the 64 arts? And those 64 arts are not just for the women. They were for the men also. Kyuki it says ki, now I'm going to say it in English, phir aap translate karke batayee

hai, ki main kya kah rahi hoon. It says that a man who is well versed in arts and culture is the most desirable man of all. Okay. Okay. I'm trying to figure out how to say this in Hindi. People will understand. Okay. So, for this, Saraswati is the goddess for this. So, it's about arts and culture. You don't become a great lover because you can jump into bed. Your size is too big big, you can last for a long time. That's not what makes you desirable. Why do I want to hang out with somebody?

It's because he's exciting. If there's a very good-looking man, after 15 minutes I will make him a pickle. Like if I am spending a lifetime with someone, you've got to be able to talk. You have to be able to have interests in common. And if you develop your personality, which include things like zoology, mineralogy, botany, everything, singing, dancing, music, So, you're developing your personality. The more your personality develops,

the more desirable you become. Right?

Yes.

Okay.

Why is it so easy for people in India? I mean, I… It is often said that we are the country where it is written on the walls, that a hopeless person met a doctor. And after that, they take abuse in the comment section.

So if this is such an important part of life, which has an impact on everything in your life, and as it is written in Kama Sutra, Shastra, that you do good in life, you do good in life. If your personal life is good, this is also a big part of it. Then why is it so untouchable?

You tell me. You tell me. I really don't know. I am fed up of this fight. One thing, okay, I understand that the British came, Victorian morality, prudery, whatever, but now they have also gone, it's been many years.

We have now got time to reclaim it, right? No one is ready to listen. When we talk about it, it's not that people say, okay, this is very good, we will try this. On the contrary, they come and fight, abuse. I don't know, maybe they have become so comfortable in this that it just makes it easier.

I don't know. But they have adopted this Victorian morality on themselves.

You said something in the beginning that it is written in the Kama Sutra that who should you marry? Who should you marry? There is no need to impress. There are people who like you.

How do you decide? In Kamsutra, the idea is given that what kind of woman you should find is kind of weird. Because I mean, it's a weird thing. It says that if a woman's name ends with a word like ra or la, then don't marry her.

Don't ask why. It just says that.

It says that if her name is which is the name of a river or a mountain or a tree, then don't marry it. So, it has its own ideas. I mean, there is a lot in it that I have not understood yet. Because every single metaphor takes 3-4 thousand years to research. It is happening very slowly.

Like I was talking about Kam Utsav. These Kam Utsav are not translated now because these Brahmins did not do it. The Pandits did not do it. Where they are getting a lot of money. So they did not translate it.

Because this was done by women. We don't have the books now. Toh main iski research kar rahi hu by reading Kalidas, Bhanu Dutta, Dandeen yeh jitne bhi 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th century ke Sanskrit plays hain unko pad ke because they are all romances. Unmein jo jo passages kisi utsav pe hain how it's being done ud I am taking research from there. So, it's just difficult.

There are four purusharthas- dharma, artha, kaam, moksha. But, never has a spiritual person told that moksha is important. For moksha, everything has to be given up. And in giving up, first of all you have to give up this life in which we talk about kaam.

Why?

Because, you have seen one thing. Let me tell you historically. In 325 AD, the first Ecumenical Council of the Catholic Church was set up. Okay. From the beginning, they started saying, this is a sinful act, this is a sin, this is a sex sin.

From the beginning.

By 342 AD, they passed the first written law that oral and anal sex is forbidden. Because that is just for pleasure. There is no procreation with it. Same time, at the time when this is being written, the kings are sitting there by the river bank, writing the Kaamsutra, saying that oral sex is a very good thing.

It is important. Pleasure is very important. Your body is very important. So, these two things grew at the same time. The good and the bad. We are stuck in a twilight zone because we've got it on both sides. But there is a common perception that this process means bringing the next generation, reproduction. It's become that.

So this is what I was saying, if you think, the more taboos and restrictions you put, it's easier to control people. So this was about control. You control people better.

So why did you control them?

It's been the way of governments and leaders for years.

Why?

You also get an answer. Why did you want to control them? When you are talking about the whole world.

Everywhere in the world, don't you find that control is just easier so that you get everybody to do what you want. And these small people who come in between and keep saying that this is a sin, this is a bad thing. They also need control. How do they...

If... I think Osho probably is the one person. He said what he wanted to say and he had his...

He stayed in that. He will keep saying that I have said a lot more. Don't make me say this much.

But that's what he got into then eventually. Because that's what made him his money. But everyone else, they do it the other way. They control you the same way they controlled you for their own benefit. And like we were saying earlier, it's become a numbers game. Whatever is happening on social media, how much you are making profit, how much your profit margin, everything is based now on your social media numbers, right? So, how will your numbers increase? If you ever go on Meta, if I say really nice things, no views.

No one is interested. If I say something nice, as soon as I abuse someone, as soon as I say something problematic, millions. It's just, we're weird're that's how we're wired

What is the difference between girls and boys in terms of these things?

You tell me, how do you think about it? I want to hear from you

I want to understand from you every day. Will you understand?

So, I think it is literally that whatever is being taught,

you think that whatever is being taught to boys, is being taught to society. It's not that boys are being taught this, girls are being taught differently.

Boys are not being taught anything.

Whatever, whatever the narrative is that gets passed down, it's the same. So, we are hearing the same story that yes, boys can do this. Yes, if a boy goes out with someone. Yes, if a boy goes out with 10 girls, then it's okay. Girl is gone.

She is like this, she is like that. Now we can't marry her. This can't happen with her. This nonsense just needs to stop. Ab jaise kisi ne mujhe likha and this is a regular email. He said that he was in a relationship.

Acha, parents said bilkul nahi. He was very much in love. Finally he says, main tanga aake, maine ka tha, theek hai tum dhund do. Jisko bhi dhund na hai. So parents ne dh. Then he says that I was so fed up with her that I didn't even see her. I said, okay, get her married. So he meets her the first day, he lives abroad, he comes to the wedding. Now he is very sad because he says that she is so religious,

he doesn't understand anything, she is so educated but he doesn't know anything about sex, I am fed up, I will cheat. sex As a boy, as a man, you don't want a woman like this. Stand up for yourself. So I personally think that what was taught earlier, that's different. Now what is being taught, girls are being taught stand up for yourself. Make a decision. Boys are sitting here learning that we don't need to do anything. Mom and dad will arrange marriage, we will get a girl. And if we don't like her do anything. Mom and dad will arrange the marriage. We will get a girl.

And if we don't like her, then we will do something else. We will have an affair.

But girls also have the option. The ones who are having an affair are the girls.

But these are the girls who are choosing to do it. They are the ones who are saying that I will not marry her.

I know so many girls who find married men very attractive. I guess so. Especially in today's generation. I know a lot of people like that.

Okay.

I totally agree.

And I believe that the people I have heard, seen, understood, or came across in my research or other personal experiences, girls like big men. And I have a lot of married friends who have affairs. They are all unmarried girls.

Okay.

Whether they are in office, colleges, outside, teachers. Whereas girls know that they are married. Many are getting kick in it.

I also feel, Okay, now this is my view on this thing, and it's the other way also. A lot of guys like older married women, anti-fetish, anti-fantasy. No commitment issue. Maybe it's a no commitment issue. It's just the fact that she might be more understanding, more experienced.

I am saying that in understanding.

Okay, fine.

Fine, you use your vocabulary. But I also think that out of the two, the one who is married, the one who already has a relationship, the onus should be on them right? Responsibility unki hai. Jo single hai it is not their responsibility chahe wo mard ho ya chahe wo arad ho. Jiski

relationship hai they are the ones who have to worry and I'm not saying ki married people don't feel attracted. Attraction ja as I said earlier, everyone will have attraction with someone. We have to accept that. That is about controlling yourself. You have to learn to control yourself.

Let me ask you a question. You just gave an example of a guy who got married. Arranged marriage. Without knowing the girl. That girl was good.

I am removing the gender. It can be a boy or good girl. I am removing gender from this.

It can be a boy or a girl. Husband and wife, one person's sexual appeal is equal to none. And one person is highly sexually dispirited, active or whatever you call it, he feels. The second person's partner is not interested.

Now what should he do?

Okay. So so forget that.

And he has fought all the fights. He tried to talk to his partner many times, but he couldn't figure it out.

Someone had asked me in an interview that if there is no sex in the relationship, then is it permissible to break that relationship or not? And I personally think that if this is important for you, you have to make that call. You have to make that call. See, there are so many intersections in our relationships. There are so many other circumstances which feed into it. There can be a problem of money, you can't leave each other, there can be a problem of

children, you can't leave each other. There can be any number of reasons, right? But if someone says, whether it's a man or a woman, that I can't live without this. I have tried everything. She or he is not willing to adjust. We are at this thing.

In today's world, you have two options. Either some people say, if you don't want it, we can open our marriage ethically, so that I have the permission. Because if you are doing it with consent, then it remains ethical.

And there are a lot of people who are doing it ethically. If you are doing it without consent, then it becomes cheating.

In India, there are so many things. Yes, it canically. If you are doing it without consent, then it becomes cheating. There are not so many things in India.

There are, there can be. There are. Maybe not that much, but there are. So either that, but if that is not possible, and they say, I need to break this marriage.

But if your partner, your husband or wife is taking care of you, he is loving you, taking care of you when you wake up, is respectful to you. There are many things that matter other than that one thing. He is dropping you, picking you, taking care of every little thing. He is also expressing himself to you.

Is he respecting your parents? Your family, social life has become good. He is giving you freedom. Will you really want, that's what I said. There are many people who are having great sex life, but they don't have respect. So how to balance that?

I think it's a personal thing. It's not about balance.

It's like if someone comes to a therapist, and then yes, they will go through the therapy.

They will go through the therapy. this thing. It's not about balance. It's like if someone comes to a therapist and then yes, they will go through the therapy. They will get solutions to try. But to say in this way, that you should try this or that. Circumstances are so different.

I will make it easier. What is the most important thing in a relationship? And I will ask this from two points of view. Respect. That's why I was stopping you. What is the most important thing in a relationship? You have to give two points.

One from the point of view of your Punjabi husband. And one from your point of view. What is the most important thing in a relationship?

I think for both of us. I think for anybody. Actually not just for us, respect. More than love, more than sex, more than anything. If you can respect each other, if you can give respect to each other of what is needed. I think that is where every conversation begins and ends.

Great. One respect. Next? What after respect?

That again is personal. Okay. So, for me I have to think about it. What is the next thing that Okay. You know. Okay. I know that you are laughing at this.

But you know. No. Because I am talking about two different people's views. Respect means that without respect you cannot survive. You cannot stay together. But that is where it comes down to. Respect is that without respect you cannot survive.

But that is where it comes down to. What does respect mean? That is also there. If I can feel safe, that I didn't like this, I am angry with you, I feel like this,

I should be so safe that I can come and tell you. And you would listen to me that is part of the respect

got it

okay so respect and safety

that's it

for me that is the most important everything else follows

what do you think according to your husband? what would be his priority?

I think for Rahul

maybe sex would be one of the priorities Okay

Different people have different views That's what I was questioning

That's one of his priorities for sure

That it would be something that matters to him

Yeah but that can only come if the rest of the things are in place. If we are fighting so much, if there is a lot of abuse between us, you think he's even going to be thinking about it?

But I saw a reel of Neena Gupta. Neena Gupta is a single mother and she had a dialogue in a film that whether you get 36 qualities in marriage or not, you should have sex every day. Things are sorted.

Like I said, you change the definition of sex. By all means, it can be. There should be intimacy. Isn't that what we are saying? There should be intimacy. It should feel like

you can be together physically. Penetration is not the final word on it.

Hmm. Okay. I was listening to a story yesterday. I was doing a podcast. It was a story about Napoleon. So, the story was that in that era, when groups or multiple people were not allowed to be physically involved, the Pope forbade it. people, the Pope refused.

The Pope went to teach them that this is wrong, this is a sin.

So they fed the Pope the same food for four to five days.

The Pope got frustrated. They said, this is what you are telling me.

But multiple partners,

many people have this view, because this topic doesn't talk about this.

But what they talk about,

and in metros, every third person is cheating.

Every third person is cheating.

There is a big reason behind that cheating. With one person or with one partner, they are tired. I saw a reel just now, a man, a male went somewhere and he asked, your wife is very pretty. She is more beautiful than me. Then why did you come to me?

And he said, I can't do the things with her that I can do with you.

I respect her.

And he made it a sigma reel and make it viral on Instagram.

But this is exactly what I said earlier. That this is what happens.

So, multiple partner, is this completely wrong? What people are doing and how will you correct their mindset?

No, I can't correct their mindset. It's not my job to correct someone's mindset.

Or is it wrong?

So, I think again do it. It's not my job. It's not right for anyone's mindset. Is it wrong? So, I think again, it depends if you are doing this by consensually discussing with your partner. And you understand what are the repercussions of it. Because there's also that. Now, polyamory is very popular right now. Someone has written, we have answered a question in this as well. My husband wants to be polyamorous. I don't want to be. What should I do? How should I

sort out this? And if I say no, will he do it anyway? And if he does it because he has told me, will it still count as cheating? So the whole question is written by her. You know it's not that straightforward that husband has decided that I will go and have sex with many people randomly. That then becomes cheating. You cannot do that to your partner if you don't want your partner to do the same thing.

That's what it comes down to respect. If you are following polyamory, understand what it's about. So I've written in there that first of all, you discuss how it will be set up. If your husband says that I want two more partners, how will these partners be set up? Will you know them? That you will not know them.

How will the divide? Two days with you, two days with him, two days with her.

How?

How will your finances divide? If he has decided that these are my two regular partners, then what is the budget of your house being spent there? These are all things to think about.

Unfortunately, in today's world, we are serious with one person and enjoy multiple places.

No, no, but multiple places, take finances. Even if you are enjoying multiple places, you need some finances for that. What budget are they coming from? If you are going to other places,

who is checking the STIs? There are all these things. So, I have found that like here, in India right now, let's say in the US, this has been going on

for many years. People have settled a little, started understanding a little. Here, it's a new excitement, new passion. Even the dating apps over here, I find that people really want to go on the dating app for a hook up. I'll tell you something, my son and daughter-in-law, they met on a dating app.

My nieces, four of them have just recently got married, all of them met on dating apps. My daughter has met her boyfriend who she's going to marry is on a dating app. I find that everywhere else now they've both settled their mind where and it's a fact I mean go back 15 years it was like that over there everybody realized that a dating app is there, it can be hooked up, come on, come on, go here. Now it's happening here.

I'm just waiting for it to settle. This is that first you know when you're very hungry and you get food, people eat it with a lot of gusto and then you just think okay now I, okay, my hunger has settled, it will be okay. I am waiting for that, that at some point people will settle. But this thing of saying that I will go and find excitement or I will find it. People do it by all means, but you have to then be ready for the consequences because

everybody I've also had questions where people have said that I am not interested in sex. My wife wants more. My boss is very good looking and is it okay if I introduce them. She will be happy and I will be happy.

Someone has written it.

So, it's coming from... It's a story of a famous politician.

Really?

Okay.

But there's a lot of... You know the...

It's a story of a Prime Minister.

Oh!

Isa?

A long time ago.

Okay.

If we go ahead, it will be a mess.

Okay.

Let's stop here. There are so many permutations and combinations. There is no straight path. Everyone has a different relationship.

That's what they say, a man has to be a fool. Why are these boys always attracted to older girls? And which boy of the youngest age tried to hit on you?

15 years old.

Don't tell me. How old is this?

Last year.

What's age? 63.

A boy 4 times younger than you tried to hit on you.

And in the filthiest language

Okay

And they always say, like when I was younger I was a bit more polite, ab to kher main polite nahi rahi Menopause ke baad you don't remain polite That's another thing that goes, you're like haan jo man mein aaya ab keh sakte hu main But there was a time when, a younger ladka aake kehata tha, and you'd say, sorry, I don't like younger men.

I mean, I'm not into younger men. And they all believed, itna confidence hai, arey try to kar, nahi karna try, get lost. But haan, there's a lot of belief that I know everything. No you don't. Life is such that you learn along the way and you have no idea what excites me. So no you like I said if I ever try and say no just because I'm saying no, nobody wants to listen.

Then they're like, it's like when you say, have a drink. I don't drink. So I say I don't drink. Oh no, try this one. You like this one a lot. I'm 63.

I don't like drink. I know. I've never had a drink. Like, I don't like the taste of alcohol. I like a bit of champagne, but not very much. You like this, you... I've learnt when I come here, have a drink nahi, aaj mera fast hai. Nobody tells you to have a drink. Sometimes you just have to find the right way of dealing with it.

Kabhi aapka maan bhatka? Of course I'm only human. Of course Bhatka. There are so many people who you meet like you said, Jo tumhara partner hai, at some point that relationship goes into a plateau. Wo boredom set in ho jati hai. You find somebody else who's giving you attention. They're listening to you. Like I'm giving, whatever I'm discussing, if someone else is sitting and listening with such enthusiasm, that is such an aphrodisiac. I'm very stra straight in my head.

Toh jab aapka apne partner se mann bhatak rahe ho, ya kahin aur attract ho rahe ho, kaise mann ko rukhna chahiye phir?

In my case, like I said, I am very straight in my head. Ki mujhe malum hai that what I have to lose over here is far more than what I will get over there. It's that simple. And what is this? My family, my security, my my sense of belonging, whatever you call it. I mean, just whatever it is, fights, fights, whatever it is, with my half Punjabi, half Sindhi husband for 40 years.

But we resolve them, right? We are still together because we want to be. So I may get very fed up with him, but yeah, at the end of the day, I want to be with him.

So why aren't marriages happening these days? You have been together for 40 years. These days, people can't live together for even 4 years. And there is a large population who are afraid to get married. There are many people sitting in this room.

Because if I had known a lot of things then, I may also not have been married.

You wouldn't have been married either.

Maybe.

Absolutely.

Because we weren't taught. You have to remember that in my time, the way a woman was put in her... Like, you know, you were told that if a man gives you attention or if he hits on you, you're supposed to take it as a compliment. It's supposed to be flattering. Nobody ever said stand up and tell him. Kitni problems, I mean like the amount of trouble I've got into by yelling and shouting

and throwing things because somebody tried to act inappropriate. But women were told that this is your place. This is you have to, I told you, you're not good enough to be put in front of. Also, I have to tell you growing up, my mother is very beautiful. I was, I grew up in a Punjabi household where I was told constantly, your mother is so beautiful, what happened to you?, I grew up in a Punjabi household where I was told constantly, Teri maa toh inni soni hai, tenu kyu ho gaya?

So I grew up believing I was really ugly. So I thought, achha theek hai, uska toh main kuch kar nahi sakti shakal ka, main padhaay kar leti hoon. I want to be the best at my studies. I want to be intelligent. I want to be successful. a lot on that. You learn. So, are educated people attractive?

Educated people are very attractive. Or are educated women more attractive?

That depends on the man. It depends on how the man will look at you. For me, a man is very attractive if he is educated.

Then why do girls who read books from Faiz and Faraz look attractive?

Because intelligent men find them attractive. That's what it is. I mean, we have grown up reading Faiz and Faraz and I love it absolutely. We have a group in London, where nine of us, once a month we meet and we learn.

In the group of girls?

Yes.

To learn, you need to be in a group of girls. Then we see who we can impress.

Ok.

I have a question on this. We were talking off the record. These girls who read books by Faiz and Faraz, they look attractive. But a big part of men believe that that women who attract you from a distance, it is very difficult to live with them.

It is not so easy to live with empowered women.

Not at all.

Really?

Not at all. I know, you know, so when I was younger, there were various men in our friends group, you know, would say, what are you doing with my husband? Be with me. And I used to always say, you won't be able to live with me for two days. I am so opinionated.

You are so complicated.

No, complicated, I am opinionated. I believe in myself. I believe that I have to do this and that. I am sorry but I am not here for your ego. Hence I would also make a terrible partner in an affair. Nobody would want to have an affair with me because I don't know how to make you feel special in that way. I think that, that's another thing. I think that Rahul has, sorry, my husband has been very, very strong in the fact that he has lived with me for 40 years. I have to give him credit for that.

I'm not easy. Not because of any other reason.

Look, okay.

Think about it. I am making a generalized statement. You must be knowing the women of Sashakt. Does this happen with them as well?

Of course. I mean I have a very good friend. She is very strong minded, very articulate, very everything. So, she got divorced many years ago. And then there was this very nice guy who got this later and then finally that broke up because she said that actually unfortunately he was impotent so like they couldn't have sex. So that broke up. Then later on we discovered that he was with somebody else

and he could but the pressure of being with her, he was not able to do it. So, you know, I think that it can be quite frightening sometimes. You have to be a real, I don't know, a strong enough man without ego to be with a strong woman.

Are friends strong? Of course, they can be. Do you know of such people who are both very strong? Both are very open-minded. There is a difference between… I am sure your husband does not question your political views. No, no, we fight.

I see Akshay Kumar and Twinkle and Twinkle taunts him a lot.

Akshay is a calm woman.

No, no, my husband is not calm.

He keeps saying a lot. I see Akshay Kumar and Twinkle, Twinkle taunts a lot, Akshay is calm. No, no, my husband is not calm, he keeps saying a lot. What I am saying is, no, he says a lot. I am saying that if two people have different opinions, so if you are that empowered, you should be able to... You should be able to feel comfortable in your empowerment and know that this is my opinion and not how I feel about you.

I have girlfriends with whom I disagree fully. We don't stop being friends. We fight, quarrel, scream. I have eight of us in my college group. Where did you study? LSR. Okay. So, now we met in 1980.

Okay.

Eight of us, we were best friends then. We still are. We fight so much. And we have very different opinions. In our group, there are far right, far left, neutral, everything.

We fight and we are still best friends. Still, we are common best friends. We can handle the left and right. Far right, far left, neutral, everything.

We fight and we're still best friends. Still, a common perception. Lefties can tolerate righties. Righties still listen to them.

Oh, leave it. Oh, leave it. Let's fight on this next time.

I'll leave this for your husband. He'll handle it here. Okay, your book, Speak Easy. I have raised some for your husband. He will handle it here. Okay, your book, Speakeasy. I have raised some questions with this. And I have raised this last with a conflict,

which is your part 6.

So,

there are a lot of issues in this. My husband was sharing a nude with a woman.

Yeah.

This was actually a very interesting question. This woman wrote that she discovered that her husband was sharing a nude picture with a woman on Snapchat. So when she confronted him, he said, the thing is that you have become religious. So she said, I have started to chant, I keep it fast.

And he said, now that I have started to chant, I will keep it fast. And he said, now I have started to respect you and I was not getting excited from you. So she went and cheated, exchanged nudes. He says, now my excitement has come back. So see, it worked. And I was going to delete this, but you it before me. Now this poor girl was sad that is it my fault was it because of me did he fix it? She has done such a gaslighting that she has cheated

because it was her fault she had become more religious so it was her fault. She has cheated and fixed everything. Now we can see the gaslighting but this question took me so long to answer because I wanted to give the other side You see what is our cultural conditioning that if someone becomes religious you have to respect him

you cannot see him sexually We talked about that earlier that spirituality and sexuality cannot be the same. If you want to reach God, you have to give up your feelings, etc. So, this is negative vibes.

So, this is a negative energy.

So, we teach people that. We teach men. We say to them that if your feelings are low, then don't talk to them. Has anyone ever taught you that if you have a problem in a relationship, go and talk about it? No one has taught you. You are told that if you see someone else, suddenly you have arousal, that means chemistry is here, it's here. We were not taught communication. And that is why you have the same thing that this is wife material, this is girlfriend material, there should be excitement for this. All the women that guys like to flirt with.

But this is also for girls.

But I'm just saying that I didn't just want to put him down. 90% of the girls I meet say that they see me as a husband material. You see me as a husband material? Be very, very happy.

So, this is a perception of both sides. Like, boys have a view of girls, girls have a view of boys.

But there is a difference.

They want to explore with red flags and want to get settled down with green flags.

Actually, I think green flags are very important

for...

You can see all the big actresses

No, no

You can see all the rumored boyfriends and husbands

Okay, let me tell you one thing I think it's very important for a woman to get to know a toxic man first so that her mind gets clear that she doesn't want to be with such a man So you can mind is right that he should not be with such a person. So you can appreciate the right kind of guy. The problem is that when boys say wife material, girlfriend material,

they are not looking at what they really like. They are looking at this whole thing that someone is religious, someone is like that, who is completely, you know, who has less

complications.

No, but complications are more. In wife material, their overall perception is that the person should live a peaceful life.

But it doesn't work.

The one who settles in the family, and we settle down, that's all they mean.

But it's just for that moment. See, girls think a little far. They say, okay, I can live with such a person. The boys are thinking that for the next 5 years, my parents will take care of me. After that, they are wandering around.

My family will be fully disciplined. So, logically, they are my parents. I have to listen to them too. I will become a sandwich in both places.

If you two start fighting in the morning, how will I go to office? But how do you know that a girl like John C. who you have married a so-called straight girl, she will not come and fight with you? It's very likely that she will.

Salman fights with Khan, but marriage is done with Vicky Kaushal.

Absolutely.

Why?

Because you have to understand that why I don't...

Because Salman can have more love

No, see I will tell you something

Salman's record says that when Sangeeta Bijlani was caught with Somia Ali Then someone else was caught Vicky, the maximum successful women I read stories about They married less successful people than them

They fell in love.

From Nargis? Yes.

Is it love? Seriously?

Some level. How do you define love?

Or it was that we tried everything. Now we need stability.

Maybe.

So, my view of strong women or choosing girls for marriage. They explored enough, they had it enough and now a stable life. So get a guy.

Can I just tell you? Dekhiye jab main younger thi, we all have this thing about the bad boy. I want to be out with the bad boy. Do din bad boy ke saath jao, dimaag sahi se ho jata hai. But that's because Bollywood or popular media have told you what a bad boy is. This impossible, exciting man who is so tough, he will go and fight with you, but he is so soft and sweet with you.

All that crap. There's a load of crap that's fed to you. So you like the idea that he's adventurous.

If you get too straight, you'll look like a loser.

No, the loserhusat is what you see.

Okay.

I got you.

The khusat.

See, after 40 years, he has the right to become khusat. No, earlier he wasn't like this.

But I'm just saying that…

Maybe you explored it a bit or you raised it a bit.

Yeah, it was just that he made the effort for me.

Right.

This is also possible. We will also be a little special.

True. Of course.

Thank you. I was just saying that we have all fallen in love with bad boys because we think it's nice. And after a while, when you realise what actually makes somebody a bad boy,

that disrespect, that ego, that self-obsession, you quickly realize that you are not meant to be with such a person.

What I figured out is a little different. First, maybe the form attracts you.

Different things.

Different things. Because everyone is talking about that form.

But after a while, you realize that other things matter more. Like in the beginning, love, excitement, love, sex, this matters. After a while, respect matters. But it takes a little time to understand respect.

I'll tell you. Yes, it takes time. But I'll tell you something else. Now I have that. In spite of the fact that we fight over things. What are those things about which I can talk to my husband,

which I can't talk to anyone else? Whether they are mundane things about my children, about the house, about my health, I also know that whatever I do, I react to him. If I am sick in the future,

he will look after me fully. Like, unhesitatingly.

Men are simple.

Men are not simple. Very painful. There is nothing simple about men. There is a wonderful story from our mythology where Brahma creates men. And then he says, okay, I will make a woman. So, there was no material left, so Brahma picked up a lot of things and made a woman.

Then he gave it to the man. The man was very happy at first, but after two days he returned the woman. He said, sorry, she talks a lot, she has made me crazy, I don't have two minutes of peace, take her back. Brahma said, okay, give it back. Then after two days he came back and said, I can't live without it. Please give it back.

She used to laugh with me. She used to keep me happy. So he goes back and forth three to four times. Finally he goes back yet again. He says, no, no, take it back. Brahma says, get out of here. Niklo idhar se and go and live with her and figure it out. We have to figure it out. I say that men who are in love look beautiful.

What's that in love?

That looks different. Anyway, your question. I found the question very interesting. In which it was that when I am getting intimate with my partner or I am, my ex is coming to my mind. Is this normal?

This is very normal because if you think...

And is this right?

So what happens is that if you... See, our brain during sex, it thinks of a lot of things. You can't control it and say ke main isi ke saath yeh sochungi yeh nahi sochungi. Jo aapka experience hai when you actually start to get aroused when you do certain things you will tap into I don't think it was intimate ho de semaye I think it was masturbation. Sex and masturbation both were written.

Okay. So basically it was that if your entire, what is the word I am looking for, if your stock images in your head are with one person, if that's your only experience, then you borrow from that experience, that will be over there. It stays in your head for a while. It does happen. You can remove it. It can be removed gradually. But initially, especially during masturbation, because you know we all need a story

masturbation is slightly different to real sex because in masturbation you have to start a story which is why people watch porn because that story is given to you and then you can just do the physical part of it if you are not watching porn then you have to create that story so what you have done in real life that is what you're going to end up using for

your self-pleasure times. Do you not do that? But someone has a perception that imagining ex gives you more kick. You are not cheating but your ex is getting a kick-kick star.

Is that right? Is this normal? It is normal.

People do feel differently about it. So fair enough. Some people don't like it. Some people say it. For many people, they understand. I was going to ask you, do you not do that? Do you not imagine an ex?

I don't. don't you only imagine the person that you're with? Why will I imagine my ex? I have so many bad memories with her. No we're talking about not even if you don't like the ex even if it was a bad breakup if the intimacy was good I deleted him completely. Wow, I don't believe you but I will listen to you. I do not believe him. I don't believe him. But I actually think that certain experiences like whatever the body enjoyed, you tend to remember that incident for that moment.

It doesn't mean that you have to go back to X. But yes, this does happen a lot.

Okay.

The weirdest question, the biggest question that you forced us to think about, what was it in this book?

Okay.

One was this one, which you just said, the one who has exchanged nudes. It took a lot of time to do. The one which came before this, and was the first one I tackled. So, this woman said that her husband wants her to have a low excitement level. And he wanted her to sleep with another man so he could watch. So this is called cuckolding. He said that I want you to have sex with someone and I would like to see.

And she said that I didn't like the idea but my husband said so many times that I finally agreed. So they went to another country and they hired somebody and she said that they are called bulls the the man that you hire for this so she said I slept with him it was I didn't like what I was doing but it was very pleasurable because he knew how to deal with the body and then she said now the problem is she said it's brought

us very close now my husband and I can discuss anything but I am afraid that now he wants to go adventuring more and I am guilty because I enjoyed that experience so how can I say no to him. So can you see the layers over here? So the first thing was to explain to her that you did it because you felt so pressured. And this is not a one-off. I get this all the time. I just wanted to make him happy. But the fact that we feel so guilty about our pleasure. I mean that man is, it's profession is to make you feel pleasure. You felt the pleasure.

But that pleasure is making you feel so guilty. Even though it's physical. Like we just said this thing about that if you are thinking about your ex. It's not because you are deliberately choosing to do that. It's happening. Your body feels pleasure sometimes

you experience this without sometimes even with somebody horrible if that touch is there in a way your body will react in that way like if you picked an apple, there is a worm inside the apple. You don't know this. You took a bite, your mouth watered. Now it's not that there was a worm inside the apple, so my mouth shouldn't have watered. Right. That reaction will be of the body. So that was a very difficult one to write.

To explain to her that actually you are saying that this brought you closer, actually it hasn't brought you closer. What I can hear is that you are more scared after this. But don't let, this should not be the guilt of that she felt pleasure in you and henceari right nahi rahi to object to it. So that was a particularly difficult one and it was the first one I answered.

Okay, aapki shaadi 23 saal pe ho gayi the. Aaj ke time aap dekh rahe ho, bahut saale logon ke due to their sexual life. That bonding with a partner is different. Now, the new people who want to get married, should they be intimate before marriage? Just to know how it's going. But at the same time, the country we live in, according to its culture, it's very bad, it's dirty.

It will start a very wrong tradition. In which there will be a lot of social backlash about it. If you even mention it. But at the same time, the stories that are going on in every third house after that, what about them?

If they were quiet there. Often people are getting married on people get married on their parents' insistence. Or those two people who are getting married, like I always say, whose hearts have been broken by two other people. They are getting married to each other. One person is asexual, he got married on his parents' insistence.

So, before marriage, should we talk about physical intimacy or explore it?

It's a very important question and I refuse to answer.

Literally, you'll get me killed.

But no, on a...

like, totally objective basis. If this question, I will remove everyone. You have three children.

If your children had asked this question, your children have the right.

All my children, they have been intimate before their death. All of them.

You were okay?

Absolutely.

But you, why? How? Because you had married your husband directly. So? Did you tell them? Or they told you on their own?

No, I mean, I knew that they would. As soon as they started, they found their partners. They all confided in me. They all told me. It's not a big deal.

But in relationships, there is a-6 years of break-up. I know many friends who started looking for a groom for marriage. And then they found out that there were 4 people in that process. With whom they were mentally, physically, emotionally involved. So, again, this question is very tricky. If I remove the social aspect,

like you said, you found a partner for your children. I am not sure if it was the first partner you got married to.

It wasn't the first partner.

So, suppose, if they had asked you this question, if a child had asked you this question.

In my personal life, for my children, I personally think that if you are in a relationship, you want to be physically intimate with them. It makes perfect sense to me. And if for any reason that relationship doesn't progress, it's okay. And the thing is, for instance, my son and daughter-in-law, they both had partners before.

They both know it. We all know it. No big deal. I mean, for me, it's not a big deal.

That wasn't my question. My question was, you have a son-in-law and a daughter-in-law. You want to get married. Both are in love. You gave them time to discuss the marriage. They are mentally ready. They like each other. Family wise everything is okay. Should they go through this process to know this part or should the family go through it? And if they go through this process and a person doesn't understand, then should this reason be enough to break the marriage? And if it is, then where will this tradition go?

So, I don't know about thet because I will not respond to that but for my children I am saying that they met their partner, fell in love, dated, eventually this is a normal process, they will have sex, they will be intimate As a matter of fact, my daughter and her boyfriend have just moved in together last weekend.

Okay.

I like her boyfriend a lot. I think he's a lovely boy. I hope they get married. He had relationships before, my daughter had relationships before. They all know about it. It's okay. It happens because at that time it is the next part of your relationship.

For my children, it is fine because they felt that this is what they want to do. They have not hidden it from their partner, nor from their parents. chhupaya hai, na apne partner se chhupaya hai, na apne maabab se chhupaya hai. It's also they're adults. I mean we forget yeh adult hai. My sons are in their 30s, my daughter is 27. They are independent, they don't live with me any of them they work they earn they pay their own bills they are living their own life I am not going to say that you can't do this I don't think that that is

but if they don't want to do it if they said mom we are not going to till we are married that is their decision. I would respect it. Now I don't tell them that you have to do it. And I don't tell them that you can't do it.

This is not my decision.

Got it. But as a sex educator, what advice would you give them? If they asked you directly?

If they asked me if I should do it or not. Literally this, because everybody comes to their sexuality at a different age. And you come to it by yourself. You cannot say that if someone at the age of 15 is ready or at the age of 18 is ready, and somebody at the age of 30 is still not ready. You can't say that this is wrong. You can't. I would not tell them that. Like there is an Indian influencer, because she is open, Roshni is her name.

She was in a film. She mentioned in an interview that she tells her mom about her boyfriend and intimacy. And her mom said to use precautions. For this, she was abused by the whole country.

Now, I will remember this.

You are talking about sex education.

When I curse, you will be top of the list. I am telling you. I just thought you should know. You are on the list of curses.

I thought I would be on top but never mind.

My power is increasing, you just watch.

No problem, I will share my power with you. So, she got a lot of abuses and a lot of discussions. You talk about Sikh education, you are writing a book, maybe you read less for that.

No, no, nothing like that. I am not so lucky that I have read less.

But was it right what he said? Was there anything wrong in it or was it wrong? That you are ruining the whole culture. This is common. Every country has a culture.

According to Indian culture. First of all, we don't live in this country. You live in England. So you should be careful. It's not like that. Culture is not getting worse because of the rape that happens every day. It's not getting worse because of the abuses that happen.

It's not getting worse because of the assaults that happen on women. It's not getting worse because of the filth that is going on. But if a girl comes and tells her mother that I want to be intimate with my boyfriend, with my relationship, with whom I am going. Teach me how to be safe so that I don't make bad decisions. And bad decisions are when you don't have the knowledge, when you make harmful decisions without knowledge. Take a decision with knowledge. This is something that ruins the culture.

It ruins it tremendously. I don't understand why we get so set on this one thing. I mean, at the end of the day, an adult person, 27, 30, 35, they're all adults. An adult comes to me and says, I want to be with my partner. Is it my job to say, no, you can't?

I'm so stupid that if I say, no, you can't, will they listen to me? Do you know that in all these homes where this culture is so well maintained that they can't do it, that you saw a girl on a job for a culture it not some hard to recover catholic it may cut the you think you're going to but you know you can remember I get these messages I know okay cow or a disco joke or not a look at me permission kiss on your permission to be not when I was younger when I was in college I had permission to go out I had permission to go out. I had permission to date. My mother had a role that whoever you are taking on a date, you have to come home and pick them up.

You have to sit with us for 15 minutes and then you can go. Half the boys would say no. They didn't want to date me because they didn't want to sit with their mom. And mom always said that if they know that you know if they think that you left without informing anyone, no matter how they behave with you they know that you can't go to anyone and complain. They think that you went with mummy, they're going to be very careful. Okay. I always had the permission, like I said,

half the boys didn't want to date me because they didn't want to come home. All my friends who were not allowed to date, all of them were dating. One of my friends, one of my best friends, who is still my best friend,

she had a boyfriend after another. Her father was so strict. Every time he found out that a boy was roaming around her, he would put my name on it. In all my youth, all the hurdles I have faced for this girl, she was dating, I was getting yelled at. I was always the one being blamed. Always. And we still laugh about this. You know, jitna usne jaake, whatever she did,

I got yelled at because they thought I was a bad influence. I was the good influence. But anyway, the thing is, ke kyunki kisi ne na keh diya, it doesn't mean ke aapke bachche suddenly aapka sunke, wohi karenge.

Maini sawal Dr. Cutress and I ask you this question. Is it a good thing to talk bad about your partner?

It is a very good thing. It depends, why do we say bad things? Why can't we say that it is a good thing to talk about pleasure? It is a very good thing to talk about pleasure.

There is nothing wrong in it.

It is a very good thing. I mean, you won't talk about pleasure with your partner. Who will you go and talk to? To my girlfriends? I know you said we're all bisexual, but still. You should talk to your actual married partner first.

But like your husband, let's say he feels like talking too much, he wants to talk bad for half the time, should he also have a time regulation or should he keep talking as much as they want?

No, look, there should be a little bit of sensibleness. Now, when you're eating Rajma Chawal and someone is talking about it, then no, not particularly. Thank you very much. I don't want to listen.

Everything should be done on time.

Okay. A good question has come from a trans woman. I'm in my 30s. I begin feeling

intentionally aroused by trans women. So, I have noticed that a lot of people are actually very, they have this fantasy to be with trans people. And I have have with Dr. Anvita Madan Behl who is a relational therapist who has overseen this whole book with me. She says that maybe this was always there but maybe now there is more talk on it or men feel that there is less judgment if you're with a trans person that whatever things they might want to do in fantasy, try to do

if they say to a woman, they might be judged for it but with a trans person they won't be

To what level is it not wrong to explore fantasies?

When it harms somebody

No other rules?

Fantasy is what happens in the head, right? So you imagine and then you try to live it. Fetishes that you do physically, fantasies that are here.

So you think of executing what you have thought of?

Not necessarily. Many things live in fantasy. I have many fantasies which I would never want to put into practice. Not even want to. But for a fantasy, they are fabulous.

Maybe you are mentally strong and many are not.

No, no. Many people have this. Fantasies are okay so long as you are, if you're saying that we are physically translating them, if you are not harming the other person or harming yourself, and if you can find somebody who is consensually ready to try this with you, then as a general rule, you know, this can't be specifically said of anyone, but as a general rule, you know, specifically, I can't say for anyone, but as a general rule, if it is safe and consensual and not harming anybody.

Okay. Two questions that I got from this in a way. One was that we have been ending this for two years.

I am jet lagged. I am getting old.

Now you should ask that 15 year old girl.

No, I am just saying that it me two more years in this interview. I don't know, I will die of old age.

Hardly five minutes.

So, one question was that we were good for the first two years, but now I have lost interest. And the second question was that we were happy before, then we shifted to a house together. Now that person is not interested in me.

And this is very common. I know many people like this. So I think the problem is that we...

And this was also a question in this. The spark in our sex life has faded.

You know, I find it's interesting that... Exactly what you were saying earlier, that when you get married, then you explore sex with your partner. You should last that sex for the rest of your life. After 40 years of marriage, that is what you should be doing.

It should mean something.

In our opinion, you should do Adhyatma after 50 years. You should do Puja and Paat.

You should do Puja and Paat.

You are at the right age. Although, again Dr. Scutrist told me, old people do a lot of sex.

Thank you. You are saying that a grey haired woman has more sex than old people.

She told me that this is a misconception. Old people have a lot of sex. People who do it, it is our belief. We have been taught this. But because she is a sex doctor and deals with them daily, so I trust her words.

We will also trust his words. But anyway, I think that when you're dating, sex is very carefree.

Okay.

When you're going out, it's like fun because there's no pressure. You're ready, you've gone, you've done the make-up, you've had a great meal, you anything you got ready, you went, you put on make up you have a great meal you've giggled, you've laughed it's the great way to end an evening as soon as you make it a long term relationship

the pressure that comes on it because that sex takes on a different meaning identity changes to sex now it has to be something that bonds you, that bonds you for life, that grows with you, that becomes better, that makes you that couple that everybody... I mean look at the pressure. It should fall down first. It's

actually really difficult and I think it's because of the pressure. Because again we are not taught how to talk about relationships.

Speak easy.

Speak easy. Speak easy. So that is actually why we wrote this. At some point, you know how many people write the same thing. Actually, I wanted to write this book to show that you are not alone in your question. If you have sent this question, 5000 more people have sent identical questions. Because people don't know where to go and find the answer. And they get so lonely. You know how lonely it is to think that I am a

fool, I am crazy, something is wrong with me. And I can't even take advice from anyone about it. It's it was to give people a safe space and to tell you, tell them that you're not alone.

Nice.

Before you go, because you are sex aware, there are three or four things that people should know.

They should be careful. Okay. First is that when we talk about sex, sex is not just penetration. Sex is many things. Intimacy, touch, desire, pleasure. It can be experienced in many different ways. Secondly, if you have any problem, talk about it first. That two-minute conversation, most of us, we get so scared that how will I talk about this, how will I talk about that,

I can't tell this to my partner. That is going to, two-minute conversation about this is going to save you years of heartache. Talk to her, communicate and finally we are taught, particularly for women, boundaries are a bad thing because boundary is like you are not telling someone. Or if a woman particularly sets a boundary or

actually even if a man sets a boundary, partner feels that it is a punishment. You know, that he said that this cannot happen. Boundaries are not a punishment. Boundaries are your way of feeling safe and keeping your relationship healthy. I can say this in Hindi as well. I can try. The words will remain the same. In the same way, you can keep your relationship safe and healthy.

These boundaries are very, very important. But you can learn these boundaries only when you explore yourself, explore your pleasure. You will know what you like and what you don't like. It's very important.

At what age do people have sex with everyone?

Sorry?

At what age do people have sex with everyone?

At what age?

In age group.

I don't know. I actually don't know. I think these days they are saying that the Gen Z kids are doing the least. Which is probably right because they have more information.

Okay.

They are more sorted in their head. I will research this and tell you.

Those who have been on the podcast so far, can tell us in the comment section.

According to their experience.

Thank you so much, ma'am. Lovely talking to you.

Thank you.

I really thought that this podcast will continue till next year. I mean, we have come to the end of November, so next year is not far.

But thank you.

Sam.

I hope that was okay. I hope that was okay.

Yeah, it was great.