Weekend Update: U.S. and Iran Peace Talks, Melania Trump Denies Ties to Epstein - SNL

-♪ ♪

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪

Thank you.

-♪ ♪

Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

-♪ ♪

Mm. -♪ Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Mm.

Today, the United States held peace negotiations with Iran, but then just an hour ago, President Trump posted, if Iran doesn't agree to peace, the greatest military of all time, ours, will F. Iran write up their Strait of Hormuz? As-salamu alaykum, you crazy bastards. Now, I completely made that up.

But isn't it kind of disturbing that you all totally believe... that he had posted that? President Trump did genuinely issue a post threatening to destroy Iran's entire civilization and then ended with the phrase, praise be to Allah. And I know that almost sounds, makes Trump sound like he is a radical terrorist, but

remember, Trump has already been to a paradise with 72 virgins. There is growing confusion over whether Israel being allowed to continue bombing Lebanon and the U.S. and Iran have ended negotiations without a deal after talking for 21 hours straight. And, guys, I think they're done for real, based on how his mascara's running.

-♪♪

Before the talks fell apart, President Trump warned Iran about making any more demands, saying, the Iranians don't seem to realize they have no cards. They're literally holding a straight. -$1,000.

$1,000. $1,000.

$1,000. J.D. Vance was asked about Iran's right to enrich uranium, and he made kind of a weird analogy. Watch.

My wife has the right to skydive, but she doesn't jump out of an airplane because she and I have an agreement that she's not gonna do that

because I don't want my wife jumping out of an airplane.

-♪

What the hell are you talking about? The only thing that makes sense in that entire analogy is that we can all understand J.D. Vance's wife having the urge to jump.

-♪♪ -♪♪

First Lady Melania Trump made a rare public statement to deny reports that Jeffrey Epstein introduced her to Donald Trump, because they actually met when Trump cracked open her shipping container.

-♪♪ -♪♪ cracked open her shipping container. A crew of Artemis II sent back pictures of the rarely seen dark side of the moon, revealing that the moon has a rat tail.

-♪ ♪

-Ugh.

-♪ ♪

He wanted more out of that.

The Justice...

The Justice Department has formed a task force intended to eradicate anti-Christian bias, which hopefully works better than the church's strategy of molesting it out of you.

Ha! -♪♪ -♪♪

California police have arrested a man who allegedly threw a Molotov cocktail at the home of Chat GPT founder Sam Altman after Chat GPT told him, -"That's a great idea."

-♪♪ Yesterday Yesterday Kamala Harris said she is thinking about running for president again. And I like her chances as long as she finally grows

that penis.

I tried to keep a straight face as long as I could.

Health secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Health secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that he is launching a new podcast.